


Room 47

by Minairin



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: 2YEON - Freeform, AU, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 160,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29264691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minairin/pseuds/Minairin
Summary: Im Nayeon is engaged to her high school sweetheart Jackson Wang. With her wedding 3 months away, Nayeon begins to get stressed, pressuring her relationship and is also stuck in a dead-end job. Her friend Jihyo advises her to seek counsel from sex therapist and relationship counselor Yoo Jeongyeon.
Relationships: Im Nayeon/Yoo Jeongyeon
Comments: 84
Kudos: 154





	1. Something Spontaneous

**Author's Note:**

> This work isn't mine, it's an adaption of another fanfic, a glee fanfic. Here you have the original.
> 
> https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8708340/1/

This is the most boring job in the entire world of that you are certain. Sure, you dreamed of being an idol, doing concerts and performing in kdramas in Seoul, but then your mother told you to get a life so you got one. Some life. Im Nayeon, young, gorgeous (so you’ve been told), a little too mouthy for your own good, yet here you are in the big city working in a technical support department mostly taking calls from old ladies who still in this day and age have no idea how to turn on a freaking computer, much less create their own home network or, god forbid, know how to run a simple anti-virus check. If everyone weren’t so stupid, you’d be out of a job, then again you aren’t all that sad about that possibility either.

You’re getting married in 3 months. The parents are even paying for the wedding. They’re glad you are marrying the guy you dated in high school and the love of your life. The only love of your life. Jackson’s cute, cheesy, a dork — very much the antithesis of you, yet somehow the two of you have managed to work. He makes you laugh and is a really sweet guy, and according to your friends (not that you have many) they are a rare breed, so when he got down on one knee, albeit outside of the sushi restaurant’s, you said yes.

Yet, you aren’t even excited, not even a little.

Actually, you’re sort of depressed. Maybe it’s the job, the monotonous day-to-day same routine, maybe it’s Jackson, you have no idea but you’ve never felt so old, even though you’re only 25, you feel like you’re turning 50. Your time in college was probably the most interesting your life is ever going to get. You got drunk on occasion, learned new things, hell you even made out with a girl once. Now you’re settling down, or at least you think you are, yet you can’t shift this feeling of emptiness from your heart and head. You aren’t quite satisfied with how your life has turned out or as much as the thought scares you, where it’s going.

Life is moving too fast.

It’s lunch and like every other workday at lunch time, you are in the busy setting of Starbucks, because you literally cannot stand to be in your office much less your work building, and because you also meet your best friend Jihyo here. The brunette woman was smart, articulate and worked in law, and surprisingly had a lot more work-related horror stories to share than you did so you are both on the same boat. Kind of. She’s a single mother raising a small child of her own and, even though you don’t say it often enough, or ever to be honest, you kind of admire her.

She’s looking at you across the table; hot steam bellowing up from her cappuccino, studying you like she knows there’s something wrong. She knows you better than you know yourself, then again, these days your beginning to question whether you really know yourself at all.

You put your own coffee down with a soft thud and shoot her an impatient look. “I know you’re itching to say something Jihyo, so spill already, I hate when you’re weird and quiet like this, makes me think you’re a killer or something” you say quickly, feeling uncomfortable in this long silence.

“I was just thinking,” she smiles a little, taking a sip of her hot beverage. “On what to get you and Jackson for a wedding gift.”

“Oh,” you sigh, unable to mask your disappointment. You really don’t care. If anything, you don’t want to talk about it. What’s the big deal about weddings anyway? You just want the day to come quickly so it’s over and done with and people don’t hassle you about it anymore.

“Also, I was thinking what’s wrong with you” she adds.

“What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on Nayeon,” she sighs at you like the game is up. “You’re getting married yet I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so miserable.”

You sigh as your shoulders slump. You kind of feel like crying but no way, Im Nayeon does not do crying, especially in front of Jihyo, she’d never let it go.

“I think I’m depressed,” you admit quietly, slightly shocked that you even said it.

Park Jihyo ’cool as a cucumber’ simply inclines her head and takes another sip of coffee. “Go see your doctor then” she shrugs, like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

You roll your eyes at her. “Sure Hyo, I don’t need pills or a god damn shrink… I’ll… be fine… I’m just in a funk, maybe it’s this crappy job” it comes out more like a question than a statement.

“Maybe,” Jihyo says in tone that suggests she doesn’t agree with you at all, and it kind of pisses you off. “But you should make an appointment nonetheless.”

A groan of frustration escapes your lips as you chug more coffee down your throat.

“I actually know someone,” Jihyo says airily, like she’s testing the waters for your reaction.

“Know someone what?” you frown.

“A counselor” Jihyo says simply. “She’s one of the most recognized in the profession—”

“I don’t need counselling” you interject. “Besides, how do you even know a…” you trial as realization seeps in. You both look at each other sadly.

Daniel. Kang Daniel, the father of Beth (Jihyo’s daughter) had died in a motorcycle accident soon after the baby was born. You always thought the guy was a loser, but you had seen how upset Jihyo was, the accident left her without anyone and her daughter without a father.

“She’s really great you know,” Jihyo says firmly, perhaps not wanting to linger on the thought of Daniel for too long.

“Who?”

“Jeongyeon” she smiles.

“Whose Jeongyeon?” you ask, annoyed. Jihyo was acting very weird today. You just want to drink your damn coffee in peace and have her moan to you about the constant sexism she’s objected to at work. It makes your own situation seem bearable.

“The counselor. Yoo Jeongyeon is her name,” Jihyo informs you. “She works in the building across from your work actually.”

“What building?” you ask trying to think if you ever saw shrinks be advertised. “The office block across the way?”

“Yep” Jihyo nods. “She’s the best counselor there is apparently, I can certainly vouch for her,” she smiles faintly like she’s remembering something. “I’ve heard she isn’t conventional but she was good with me… she’s not even a bereavement counselor and yet… she helped me understand things… and move on to seeing new people. It may sound silly but she reminded me who I was.”

You stare at Jihyo. You’re not going to lie and say you didn’t notice a change about a year ago in the other woman. Jihyo was so hung up on Daniel even after his death, but then suddenly last year she started casually dating again. You always did wonder what exactly got into her. You and Jihyo usually tell each other most things, but you’re both not the close emotional type so you understand why she’d keep this from you.

“She’s a shrink like most others but specifically she’s a relationship counselor and sex therapist” Jihyo says casually.

You choke on your coffee a little. “A what?” you splutter out. “A sex therapist? What the hell is that?”

Jihyo shrugs.

“And what the hell Park? What makes you think I need relationship guidance or… sex therapy or whatever the hell it is,” you snap at her.

“Oh, so you dreading your own nuptials is completely normal then? And how are things in the bedroom department between you and Jackson anyway?” she asks like she already knows the answer.

You open your mouth to retort with something but nothing comes to mind.

“Look,” she begins softly, straightening up her thick black coat over her office wear. “I hate seeing you like this, and I know that things between you and Jackson aren’t perfect. I think you’re depressed because you’re not really all that happy with—”

“Shut up,” you cut her off. “What the hell would you know anyway? I am happy with Jackson” you insist, for some reason feeling really defensive of your relationship.

“I wasn’t even going to say unhappy with Jackson, but whatever, you won’t mind going to see this counselor then,” Jihyo says like she’s already decided for you. “I have her number, I can text her and ask if you can go over during your lunch break tomorrow.”

“But we normally come here for lunch.”

“Exactly and tomorrow I’ll just be nagging you all over again to go” Jihyo says. “Please Nayeon, for me?”

You roll your eyes at the look she’s giving you.

“Look you only have to meet her once, if you decide it’s not for you then fine you don’t have to see her any more, but the introductory session is free so…”

“Even if I did see this shrink on occasion, I can’t really afford it Jihyo” you argue, feeling proud you finally have a fair point.

“She’s a friend of mine, I’ll get a discount, you can afford it, your parents are paying for most of the wedding anyway,” she says as she brings her mobile out of her pocket.

“I haven’t agreed to anything yet Jihyo,” you warn her, eyeing her thumb as it taps furiously over her phone.

“You’re going Nayeon,” she says with finality. “You’ve got nothing to lose, besides, it’s about time you did something spontaneous.”

You sink back in your chair and cross your arms. Do you have any say in your life at all?

The walk back to your work in the chilly air of Seoul is one of the few things you actually enjoy.

“Something spontaneous” you grumble to yourself a little while later slumping down on your sofa after work.

You get up and start pacing for no reason, finding your way to the mirror in the hallway. You’re wearing your usual work clothes, white shirt and black pencil skirt, you look up and a sad soft toned face looks back at you. Brown eyes duller than usual, a constant crease in your brow it’s like you can’t get rid of it and a hairline that refuses to stay in shape. You’re still hot though, you know that, in fact it’s all people tell you usually. You guess other people would be flattered by such attention, but there’s only so many times a guy can tell you you’re hot before it starts to lose all meaning. You’re not interested in any other guys anyway. Jackson is all you need.

You and Jackson live in this crappy little apartment. It’s sort of cozy but it’s just temporary, or so you’ve both been telling yourselves for the past two years. Jackson’s a graphics artist and designs video games and such, the both of you have been saving up to move somewhere a bit nicer after the wedding, although realistically even with both of your salaries combined, you don’t think you can buy somewhere decent in Seoul with today’s economy and rising house prices. Living in the city ain’t cheap. For some reason you are relieved, part of you doesn’t want to leave this crummy little apartment. It would mean the end of your youth, your current life and the beginning of your new one with Jackson. Something you should be happy about, and are it’s just…

“I need a smoke,” you grumble as you make your way back into the empty living room, sometimes you really wish you had a cat or something to talk to when Jackson isn’t here. Christ, you’re wishing for a cat to talk to instead of another friend, that thought alone proves how much of a bitch you really are.

You don’t have many friends, as Jihyo so often reminds you it’s because you can be antisocial and have a tendency to mock people. You don’t mean to be it’s just who you are, and people in general annoy you. In fact, most of your friends are really just Jackson’s friends, and all male, Jihyo is practically the only female friend you have, and even then, the basis of your friendship is based on common hatred and bitterness of the world around you.

After opening all the windows in the room, you slide off your work shoes, kick your feet up on the coffee table and light up a cigar.

You make a sound that’s somewhere between a sigh and a hum as you exhale, the thick smoke protruding from your mouth and making shapes in the air above you. You have no idea why you are keeping this a secret from Sam, you’re pretty sure he wouldn’t break up with you or call off the wedding if he found out you liked the occasional cigar but for some reason this is just your thing… only yours…

By the time Jackson gets home from work you’ve already sprayed the place with perfume and brushed your teeth.

“Hey baby” he smiles that dopey grin as he comes in and plants a kiss on your forehead.

Still slumped on the sofa you merely smile back up at him. “I was going to make us dinner but there’s nothing there, you want to just order in?”

Jackson unzips his hoody and clears his throat, and you just know one of his many dorky impressions is coming.

“Women have the right to work wherever they want, as long as they have the dinner ready when you get home,” Jackson says in an exaggerated accent, pointing both fingers at you like cowboy guns.

“John Wayne” you say needlessly, rolling your eyes. “Very funny,” you sigh “I would have had the freakin’ dinner ready if there was anything actually there that could be digested by a human being.”

“It’s OK” Jackson says, his lips forming a grin and his floppy brown hair falling about his forehead as he walks toward and slumps down beside you on the sofa. “We’ll just order.”

Spicey food is a favorite of yours, even if you have to drink your own weight in water to suppress the spice.

After dinner Jackson is lying across the sofa, his feet on your lap as you both watch television in the otherwise dark room.

“How was work?” he asks with a yawn.

“Same as usual” you shrug. “Get this though, I was having lunch with Jihyo today and she reckons I should see a shrink friend of hers tomorrow, can you believe that?”

“Why? Are you feeling OK? Is something wrong? Did I do something?” Jackson asks hurriedly, his brown eyebrows shot up in worry.

You chuckle a little and pat hit feet. “No, it’s not you” you shake your head. “I guess it’s just… me?” you say uncertainly. “I don’t know maybe it’s this job, I’ve just been feeling really down lately and haven’t been having much sleep.”

“Yeah,” Jackson mumbles in thought. “If that’s the case you should totally go.”

“Huh?” you scoff at him indignantly. “You cannot be serious.”

“Huh? There’s nothing wrong with seeing a shrink Nayeon, besides what harm can it do?”

“I… well it could burn a hole in my purse for a start.”

Jackson simply scratches his nose and shrugs indifferently. “You have been kinda distant lately babe and if seeing a shrink makes you feel better then I don’t see the problem.”

Finding no real argument to that you simply shrug and focus your attention back to the television.

Once again you get little sleep that night, sometimes Jackson snores and you tell yourself it’s because of that, but you really know deep down it’s because you’re restless.

The next day you tell yourself at lunchtime you’ll just go meet Jihyo in Starbucks as usual and just find a way to tune out the tone of her nagging voice. You don’t need a shrink. You’re fine. It’s totally normal to lose sleep now and then, and be worried about a wedding; I mean you’re supposed to get nervous right? You throw on your jacket over your cream shirt and pencil skirt. You look fine. Anybody walking down the street would be envious of you. You have a loving family, a great fiancé; a relatively OK paying job and you’re hot as hell. Seriously, this is the life; you just need to stop being such an ungrateful, moody bitch.

For some reason though, you find yourself walking across the street, in the opposite direction from Starbucks and to the building adjacent from your own. You’re muttering thoughts out loud to yourself, having absolutely no idea why you’re even doing this.

You enter the building, it’s white everywhere and eerily empty. Your shoes click clock against the marble floor as you make your way to the only other person in this large room, a handsome guy sitting behind a desk.

“Uh,” you hesitate, and for some reason you feel nervous. “I’m not sure where to go, I’m supposed to meet a Jeongyeon here?”

“Oh, those services are on the seventh floor, take the lift behind me” he says with disinterest not even bothering to look away from his computer screen.

You look around as you nod and walk toward the elevator. This place is weird. It’s empty and what did that man mean by “those services”? Seriously, just looking at this place, it’s so blank and monotonous it could literally be a building for anything; there’s no posters on the wall or signs or directions anywhere. It could be a hospital, a bank or a movie set for all you know.

You take the elevator to the seventh floor and the doors part with a soft binging noise. It’s a little less scary up here. You walk down a narrow hallway and you see that the place is just as empty up here, but at least there’s a nice cream carpet and pictures of plants on the wall. You walk forward and you notice the receptionist up here is a woman. She’s dressed in a rather camp style, a brown blazer with a plastic looking rhino face attached to it and you are oh so close to instantly insulting her. You really want to say something but you still your tongue when she sees you.

“Good afternoon, my name’s Son Chaeyoung, how may I help you today?” she smiles politely, her voice soft and calm.

You’re kind of glad you didn’t insult her now because her smile and presence almost instantly calms your nerves.

“Yeah uh hi… I have an appointment with Yoo Jeongyeon?”

“Oh,” she says looking surprised for a second. “Very good, just go down the corridor, she’s in room 47” she says motioning with her hand.

You nod again and make your way there, for some reason stopping half way down the hall. You have a strong urge to just turn around and forget all about this. You find yourself turning your head and Chaeyoung’s watching you from her desk, she gives you a small smile and a little wave. It’s encouraging and you wonder if she knows you’re nervous. You do your best to smile back and press on.

Room 45… room 46…

Room 47. It’s a white door with a golden number plate and handle and is not even remotely significant, yet you find yourself just staring at it. The way Jihyo was going on about this woman like she was freakin’ Jesus Christ and could turn water into wine and fix all your problems. Whatever. You wonder if you should knock but Chaeyoung said she was in here so she’s probably expecting you, right?

You grab the handle and open the door. Normally you’d scan the room, you’d take notice of the nice desk and great window view, the coffee table in the middle of the room, the long leather mocha colored sofa that has an adjacent leather chair opposite and the whole set up is very much cliché. But your brain only processes so much of this, because the woman sitting on the lone leather chair, across from the long one, has all of your attention.

“Uh… hi?” you say shakily and feel the nerves run through your veins all over again.

You’re kind of stunned. She wasn’t what you were expecting, like at all. You were expecting some blandly dressed middle-aged woman and instead you’re met with a young woman, perhaps about the same age as you, dressed fashionably. The woman is slouching on the chair; feet hung over the armrest, her short blonde hair looks like gold. She’s wearing blue tight jeans, a shirt and black pumps. She flashes a smile at you and pops out a bright pink bubble from her mouth. She’s sitting chewing gum and slouching like a damn teenager.

“Sup” her smile widens as she inclines her head for you to enter the room more.

Apparently talks like one too.

“Uh,” you stumble for words as you close the door behind you. You expected someone more professional, wasn’t this woman supposed to have a good reputation in her job? Maybe this woman isn’t even Jeongyeon; maybe it’s her daughter or something.

She stops chewing, takes out her gum and shoots it across the room, the piece landing perfectly in the trashcan by the door.

“Annyeooong,” she says cheerily, standing up from the chair and coming toward you. “I’m Jeongyeon, pleased to meet you.”

OK, so this is Jeongyeon.

You’re staring at her and for all the words you know you’re struggling to find any of them.

She smiles and giggles at your silence and you feel your stomach flutter and a smile twitch your lips. Her eyes are bright brown, almost hazel, and beaming positivity, they are catlike and looking right into yours with curiosity. OK, so if this woman’s job is to make people feel better? You can already tell she’s good at it because her personality is already infectious. Normally you hate bubbly people like this but for some reason she isn’t already annoying you.

She doesn’t hold out a hand, but she gestures for you to sit down on the couch opposite her chair.

You slump down not knowing what to say and still not knowing why you’re even here. This whole thing is stupid.

“Wow, you’re gorgeous” Jeongyeon breathes as she sits down and looks at you in awe, like she’s just seen an idol or something.

“Oh… uhm… thanks” you stutter and everything is weird right now, because that’s something you’ve heard a million times, albeit you don’t get it often from other woman but still it’s different coming from her and you find your cheeks are getting warm. It seemed so sincere and you’re flattered. You don’t know if she’s just doing her job or something though.

“My name’s Nayeon, I take it Jihyo told you about me?”

“Oh no,” Jeongyeon says shaking her hand away in a dismissive manner. “I don’t like to know anything about my clients beforehand, all I know about you is that your name’s Im Nayeon and, well, Jihyo may have said something about you being unsociable or stubborn but I didn’t take much notice because it’s was coming from Jihyo of all people.”

You snort feeling your nerves seep away into this incredibly comfy sofa.

Her smile widens once she sees she made you laugh and again your stomach flutters and you clench it to make it stop. You have no idea why you’re feeling all weird. Maybe you are still nervous. You need to be straight with her.

“Look, I’ve got to be honest, I really shouldn’t be here. I don’t even know why I am here, this was Jihyo’s idea, not mine,” you say as frankly as possible.

Jeongyeon’s face is unreadable as she crosses her legs, leans back and clasps her hands together in front of her mouth, it’s like she’s studying you and you already feel uncomfortable under her gaze.

“It was Jihyo’s suggestion,” she corrects you. “You however came here of your own freewill which implies that you feel the need to be here, right?” she says like it’s the simplest logic in the world.

You swallow as she pretty much just called out how dumb you sound. You don’t think you’ve ever felt this out of your depth in all your life.

“I guess,” you say, your voice suddenly smaller. “But I don’t know the reason why”

“Mhmm,” Jeongyeon hums and tilts her head to the side in a way that seems like she pities you. “It’s not nice when you feel unfulfilled and unhappy with your life, it’s even worse when you don’t really know the reason for it or why you’re feeling that way” she says softly.

Fuck. Those words hit home as she just says exactly how you’ve been feeling recently and you clench your stomach more because you can’t cry, she’ll think you’re a weirdo. You really have nothing to cry about anyway.

The natural, confrontational part of you seems to kick in, “What makes you think I’m unhappy?” you ask, frowning.

The blonde shrugs and looks at you. “You wouldn’t be here otherwise, right? Would you like some coffee, tea?”

“Uh,” you hesitate, a little thrown by her change in direction of conversation. “No, no thank you.”

“Mmrph” Jeongyeon chuckles a little and you raise an eyebrow at her. “Jihyo gave me the impression you were totally rude but you’ve been lovely so far.”

She’s still looking at you like that and it makes you happy, nervous and uncomfortable all at the same time. You wish she’d stop.

“Yeah well,” you roll your eyes “I figure I shouldn’t piss off my counselor, right?”

She laughs softly and again a smile tugs your lips. “Believe me Nayeon, I’ll be the one pissing you off in no time. Most people find counseling hard, especially at first, so the fact that you’re here is a good sign, that’s one of the hardest parts.”

“I gotta admit, this looks like one of those offices you see in the movies, you know where the patient lies down on the sofa and I guess you sit behind them and ask them a bunch of shitty questions”

“You can lie down if you want” Jeongyeon says, apparently missing the point entirely.

“Uh no, it’s fine” you say but are distracted by a picture hanging on the wall behind Jeongyeon’s desk on the other side of the room. “I-Is… is… is that you and Robert freakin’ De Niro?” you ask, stunned at the picture of the old actor and Jeongyeon smiling side by side.

Jeongyeon looks over to where your eyes are but quickly turns back to you. “Yeah,” she smiles softly. “He was a client of mine once, nice guy,” she says nonchalantly.

“A client? He’s rich and famous! What the hell would he be unhappy for?” you scoff.

You instantly regret it, as Jeongyeon’s face turns a little more serious.

“I don’t discus other client’s business,” she says resolutely and you absolutely believe every single word.

“Oh, I know, I wasn’t asking you too I just…” you trail off and you can’t believe this. You’re a bad ass, you are good at confrontation, and yet here this woman is just sitting there, sweet as Mary fucking Poppins and you’re intimidated as hell. This is Jihyo’s fault. She hyped this woman up so much your reaction is just physiological or something. That’s it.

“Why do you think you’re here Nayeon?” Jeongyeon suddenly asks, laying her hands down on her lap.

You open your mouth to say something but you don’t know the answer to that question. A long silence settles in and she’s still looking at you patiently for an answer.

You don’t have an answer for her.

Seriously.

This is one big long ass silence.

Jeongyeon doesn’t move, doesn’t even blink and just looks at you calmly.

“I… I don’t know” you mumble, embarrassed. “Maybe I should just leave now?”

Jeongyeon giggles again, it’s soft and childlike and yet again your stomach flutters a little. God. What is wrong? You feel like you’re going to throw up and a part of you just wants to get the hell out of here.

“No, you shouldn’t leave Nayeon,” she sighs in amusement. “I’d miss you”

Your eyes are darting all over the room as you give a nervous laugh. “Believe me you won’t, you don’t even know me.”

Jeongyeon leans forward and again clasps her fingers together in front of her thin pursed lips, almost like she’s staring right into you and taking mental notes, then reading some sort of book no one else is privy too.

You realize that’s a lot to judge a look on, but it’s how you feel.

“What do you do for a living, Nayeon?” she asks, her eyes narrowing almost like she’s trying to guess anyway.

“I uh…” you stutter yet again and you can’t seem to form fucking sentences in this room. You clear your throat and try again, “I actually work across the street”

She nods like she already knew. Jihyo must’ve told her.

“I work in a technical support department, I take phone calls, maintain servers, sort through the payroll, trust me it’s all very boring” you say rolling your eyes playfully.

“So, what is it you’d rather be doing?”

You blink at her because you never said anything about not liking your job, sure you said it was boring but most people find their work boring to some extent, right?

“Actually, since I was little, I’ve always wanted to sing,” you say before you can stop yourself. You feel a blush on your cheeks and pinch the bridge of your nose. “Sorry, that probably sounds really lame” you laugh out nervously.

“It’s not lame, it’s admirable” Jeongyeon says simply and she’s smiling at you again.

You swallow thickly and just nod. Again, you feel a little teary because no one has ever told you that. Jihyo, Jackson and all your friends and family think it’s an unrealistic pipe-dream, but you’ve always thought it was possible. Deep, deep down you really have.

“Anything’s possible” Jeongyeon adds wistfully.

Your heart stops because this crazy woman is starting to freak you out, it’s like she’s reading your mind.

“What do you hope to get out of your time here, Nayeon?” Jeongyeon asks before you can crumble into tears for unknown reasons.

What’s with all the vague questions?

“I… I don’t know” you shrug honestly. Your voice is so feeble and you feel so out of your comfort zone in this room.

“Welllll,” Jeongyeon drawls out another smile plying her lips but there’s something else mixed in with her tone, “How long would you like us to see each other then?”

You stare at her and realize her smile is in fact a smirk, and you really need to get out of here, this woman is scaring you in the subtlest way and you don’t even know why.

“Well, I’m uh… getting married in 3 months” you say.

“Ah,” Jeongyeon says like something has just clicked in her brain. “I see, so your relationship is attributing to how you’re feeling lately?”

“I… I never said that” you argue.

“You didn’t have to” she says right back. “I asked how long would you like us to see each other and you answered with a completely unrelated answer, except that it is related, because you think your problems, whatever they might be has to be fixed within 3 months. Before your wedding I assume? I bet it feels like a timer ticking down and you’re just sitting watching it, dreading what happens when the last grain of sand falls.”

You’re gaping at her as the back of your throat has gone completely dry.

“Don’t worry Nayeon” she adds serenely and stands up from her chair. “I’m a counselor but I’m also a relationship counselor and sex therapist so if you’re having trouble with your relationship—”

“It’s not like that” you say loudly cutting her off and standing up too. “OK you’re right,” you admit exhaling. “But it’s not just my relationship, it’s my job and… other things… OK? Jackson’s a great guy, really the problem lies with me, not him.”

“I think we’ve made good progress for an introductory session, don’t you?” she smiles like you didn’t just yell at her.

You don’t know what to say to that so you just stare at her and hope she doesn’t think you’re crazy or rude or both. You sense the meeting coming to an end.

“This meeting was free but if you want to organize further appointments talk to Chaeyoung, my secretary outside.”

You’re curious. “What would further appointments mean?” you ask still feeling embarrassed. “I mean, what would we do?”

She cocks her head to the side like she thinks your naive. You frown back at her.

“Wellll,” she drawls out slowly and motions for you to follow her to the door. You both start walking and stop at the door. “We’d focus on different areas of your life, your thought process, how you see yourself and how to change the things and situations in your life that is making you feel negatively,” she says like it’s the simplest thing to do in the world.

“Oh,” you breathe and she steps closer to you.

She’s very close and you feel uncomfortable. You see the cerulean brown of her eyes and the faint smell of cinnamon from her body, there’s also another smell, something like freshly baked bread or something. You internally scold yourself, who gives a fuck what this crazy woman smells like?

“C-can I touch you?” Jeongyeon asks quietly and she’s looking down like she wants to touch your hand for some reason. Her breath ghosts over your skin briefly and you smell the cherry bubblegum she was popping earlier.

“I…” you breathe back and don’t know what to say.

Your whole body is acting weird, you feel like your lungs aren’t working. Here’s the thing, you aren’t a touchy-feely person, not even with Jackson. You’re not a hugger or a holding hands type person, you like your personal space.

This woman is invading that space though and instead of telling her to fuck off you’re nodding your head meekly.

She grabs your right hand, but then quickly drops it. “No,” she smiles shaking her head bashfully. “That isn’t quite right is it?”

You have no fucking idea what she’s talking about, you’re just rooted there to the spot as she takes your left hand. She brings it up to her face and you want to jerk your hand away and ask her what the fuck she’s doing but you’re just standing here staring dumbly at her. She brings your fingers below her nose and she inhales, her lips ever so slightly tickle your fingers and you have no idea what’s happening. You feel like running out the room but your legs don’t seem to want to move.

Why the fuck is this woman smelling your fingers?

“Mhmm,” Jeongyeon hums and all too quickly she’s brought your hand down and let go. “You know Nayeon,” she says conspiratorially and her bright brown eyes are sparkling at you “you really shouldn’t smoke cigars, it’s most unbefitting of you.”

You just nod again.

“OK,” she giggles a little “Well If you want to make our meetings regular, we could meet up every Tuesday and Thursday lunchtime, however if you feel this isn’t for you then just say so. Whatever your decision is, tell my secretary, Chaeyoung, outside. Thank you for coming” she smiles politely.

Before you know it, you’re standing back out in the hall and the white door of room 47 is shut behind you. You would consider the quick dismissal rude if you actually thought Jeongyeon was capable of being rude. You don’t think she is.

You smell your fingers and hands and can’t smell anything in particular. You frown back at the door. So, she got that you smoked and were left-handed by what, just looking at you?

You didn’t believe in magic but if anyone were going to be magical it would be that bubbly blonde woman, even if she did make you feel uncomfortable and weird.

You walk forward toward Chaeyoung’s desk in a trance, not really knowing how you feel or what the hell just happened. How long were you even in there?

“So, will you be requesting Jeongyeon’s services for longer?” Chaeyoung asks.

You just nod silently again. You feel like all you’ve been doing is nodding.

“How long for?”

You clear your throat just to make sure it’s still there and functional. “3 months I guess”

“OK, that’s fine. You know its 150000 ₩ per hour, right?”

That brings you right back down to earth.

“What?” you snarl. “My friend Jihyo told me she’d get a discount!”

“Miss, that is the discount,” Chaeyoung says looking at you pointedly. “Jeongyeon’s usual rate is between 350000 and 400000 ₩ an hour.”

You stare at her in disbelief.

“It’s a pretty good offer if you ask me, she’s one of the best” Chaeyoung adds with a smile and you feel like its genuine advice and she’s not just pimping her boss.

“Fine” you mumble and get out your credit card.

You are crazy.

You came here hoping you’d realize you’re sane, but instead you leave feeling rather insane. With a lot less money in the bank too, you think grimly.

Fuck. This is all Jihyo’s fault and you’re going to tell her as much tomorrow.

“Something spontaneous” you grumble again as you push rudely by the citizens of Seoul crossing the street back to your work. As pissed off and confused as you are, your heart doesn’t feel nearly as heavy though.

Oh well, if this doesn’t work at least this woman would entertain you if nothing else for a lunchtime and that’s a lot more than Jihyo does.


	2. Lucy

“Sooooo, what did you think?” Jihyo asks you with a smirk the following day over your usual Starbucks lunchtime meeting.

“She’s…” you begin but really can’t find a word to describe Jeongyeon at all.

“Quirky?” Jihyo offers.

“I guess,” you sigh. “She wasn’t what I expected at all”

“But you’re still going to keep seeing her, right?” Jihyo asks like she would be disappointed if you didn’t.

“Yeah,” you say slowly. “I suppose”

You sip on coffee, as Jihyo seems more interested in the newspaper in front of her. You actually haven’t been able to stop thinking about Jeongyeon since meeting her yesterday. She confused and scared the hell out of you but at the same time she made you feel kind of giddy and strangely optimistic, you guess that’s her job but… the way she was looking at you sometimes…

You just really like how she makes you feel.

You’re sort of bummed you don’t see her till tomorrow again.

Later on, in your apartment, you’ve made Jackson his favorite meal, tteokbokki, the recipe originally coming from your mother. You like it too but it isn’t your favorite meal. It’s strange you live in one of the most vibrant cities in the world and you and Jackson have never gone out to a fancy restaurant and tried something new.

“Hey, did I tell you about my folks good news?” Jackson asks over the small dining table.

You shake your head as you take a sip of wine.

“They found a buyer for the ranch” he grins.

“That’s great. I wasn’t really expecting anyone to buy that place though” you say surprised.

The Wang family owns a ranch in Pyeongchang, you and Jackson sometimes go there at the weekend. You’re very much a city girl but you like going there because it always seems to be sunny and you’re always treated well there by the rest of the family.

“The new owner even said they were gonna come down every few weeks and help out with labor.”

You narrow your eyes. “That seems too good to be true, first of all this person buys the ranch for what, half a million won? Then allows your family to stay there as long as they pay rent AND wants to help maintain the crops and animals?”

“Crazy right?”

You make an uncertain noise. “I don’t want your family to get ripped off. Just tell them to double check the paperwork.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Jackson grumbles.

Jackson isn’t the smartest of men, neither are his brothers or parents who live and work on that ranch. You love them though; you don’t want them to get ripped off, or worse, be left homeless all because they didn’t understand the basic terms and conditions.

You remember the time when you first met his parents. They looked at you like you were some sort of alien, that ranch is out in the middle of nowhere, they were probably not used to see people who wasn’t from Pyeongchang. At first, they seemed to think you were one of those snobbish city people, but in time they grew accustomed to your standoffishness and sarky sense of humor. You’re now one of the family and really, they feel more like family than your own parents do.

“Uh, maybe we should go there this weekend?” Jackson asks in a way that seems he doesn’t want to bother you.

You smile at his thoughtfulness. “No, that’s fine, I could go there and take a breath of fresh air” you smile at him.

“How’s your counselling going? I mean I know you’ve only went once but…”

“Fine” you say quickly, for some reason not really wanting to discuss it with him, or anyone in fact. “I mean I had a pretty decent sleep last night so, progress?” you joke.

“Yeah I guess but it won’t work overnight or anything though Nayeon”

“I know” you say in understanding.

Come Thursday you are practically bouncing in your office chair and looking constantly at the clock for lunchtime to come. For some reason you’re nervous again but you’re also a little… excited?

You don’t know why but your stomach is doing flips as you cross the street again, your strides are longer and faster, you just want to get there. You just want to see her again. Just to confirm that your first meeting wasn’t some strange dream you had.

The elevator stops at the seventh floor yet again and opens with the same binging noise. You walk forward and come to Chaeyoung’s desk.

“Hello miss Im” Chaeyoung greets you again. Today’s she’s wearing a strange cream jumper that cuts half way off from the bottom and a red paper boy cap. You try really hard not to laugh.

“Please, call me Nayeon” you smirk at her holding your hand up in insistence.

“Only if you call me Chaeyoung” she winks back at you.

“Can… can I just go through?” you ask, pointing your thumb over your shoulder toward where you know room 47 is.

“Actually, if you don’t mind, Jeongyeon’s running a little late, just take a seat, she should be here any moment” she says apologetically.

“OK,” you say as your eyebrows rise. How did someone so unprofessional manage to get a job like this?

You wait and wait and it’s not until 15 minutes later the elevator door opens and a flustered looking Jeongyeon comes out and toward Chaeyoung’s desk. You don’t think she’s seen you yet.

You stare because you didn’t think the woman could be any more bizarrely dressed. She has socks and flip-flops on, short denim shorts and a snuggly looking cream woolen sweater that has a large picture of a duck on it. It looks like one of those homemade sweaters that grandmother’s stitch for their grandchildren as a gift for Christmas. You press a finger to your lips to stop from laughing once again. Was it a requirement to dress wacky here?

Her short hair was slightly wavy today. She really was pretty in the most natural way. You kind of envy her and yet at the same time you just like how pretty she is.

“Sorry Chaeyoung,” Jeongyeon says looking slightly out of breath, flinging her bag onto the desk. “I got distracted again, I was twiddling some knobs and got all greasy and before I knew it… well… you know how I am with time. I haven’t even taken Lucy out today” she says and gives a cute pout.

Chaeyoung laughs softly at her. You wonder how she became so special to just light up a room and everyone in it just by walking in.

“Not to worry, I can go get Lucy and bring her here after work, if you want” Chaeyoung says. “You’ve only got Hyujin and Nayeon left today, after that you can get back to your grease monkey work”

Brown eyes seem to suddenly widen when her eyes flicker to the side and she sees you. Shock quickly turns to friendliness.

“Hey there gorgeous, sorry I’m late” she smirks at you, fumbling around her bag for something.

You open your mouth to say something but all you feel is your stomach dropping lower than where it should be and the blood rushing to your cheeks. You don’t know how she does that or what this even is what you’re feeling, but you can’t help but eventually grin back.

“It’s fine”

It’s actually not fine because you’re paying for these sessions and you’ll probably be late back for work but it’s Jeongyeon, and when she’s looking at you like that, who cares?

“Here they are,” Jeongyeon says bringing out keys. “OK Chaeyoung, if anyone phones tell them I’ll call them back tomorrow morning” she says pointing at Chaeyoung as she begging to walk down the corridor.

“Will do” Chaeyoung says turning back to her computer.

“C’mon you” Jeongyeon says lowly as she walks by you.

Your body just seems to follow even though your legs suddenly don’t feel as confident as they did crossing the street.

Jeongyeon unlocks the room door and you just stand idly behind her. Your eyes trail down the back of her legs and she looks really toned, you wonder what exercises she does, if any.

“I don’t go the gym if that’s what you’re wondering” Jeongyeon suddenly says as she opens the door and turns back at you with a smirk.

“I… I... what?” you try to play dumb and yet again the blood creeps up to your face and she’s scaring the hell out of you.

“Most people stare at my legs when they’re on display,” the blonde shrugs, and somehow it doesn’t seem smug or arrogant, more like just a statement of fact. “I’m assuming you were just looking at my legs… or ass…” she says like it was obvious even though you’re pretty fucking sure she had her head facing forward the whole time and there’s no way she could have seen the split second your eyes fell.

“N-n-no… I… uh wasn’t looking” you splutter out, just standing at the doorway like an idiot.

“Oh,” Jeongyeon breathes and seems to buy it. She seems a little disappointed. “Oh well, come in” she says, her polite smile quickly returning to her face.

You nod as you walk in and bypass her. She smells like sugary cakes and metal. You wonder what on earth this woman does outside of work. You also wonder why you keep taking mental notes of what she smells like. You sit down on the leather sofa yet again and she sits opposite you, crossing her legs on the chair and blowing out a puff of air that makes a lock of her blonde hair blow up and away from her face. She really is all kinds of adorable. You don’t know why you keep thinking all these great things about her, she’s nice but you don’t even know her.

Maybe you want to know her though.

“What did you mean before, something about knobs?” you smile in amusement. You really want to know something about her. Anything.

“Oh,” she smiles and for the first time she glances away looking bashful and you actually feel smug that the tables have briefly turned.

You really like how she makes you feel. You wonder how you make her feel. Maybe she wants to be your friend? You instantly curse yourself because you’re already reading way too much into everything, she’s supposed to be friendly. It’s her job to pull you out of your rut.

“That was nothing, it’s just I do motocross races and through that I’ve learned a lot about mechanics so in my free time I like to fix stuff, mostly cars”

Your eyebrows shoot up as a laugh escapes your lips.

“What?” Jeongyeon asks, her head tilting and her smile widening.

Your heart is beating a little faster beneath your skin and you don’t know why. It’s every time she smiles or laughs… or looks at you…

“It’s just, you’re never quite what I expect,” you say honestly, trying to sound as light-hearted as possible.

She doesn’t say anything to that and instead goes straight to business. “Tell me Nayeon, what is it you do in your free time?” she smiles at you.

You shrug. “Nothing really, I mean Jackson likes to go to ice hockey games and—”

“I asked what you liked to do, not Jackson” Jeongyeon says, her smile loosening and her voice sounding a fraction more impatient. Her change in demeanor is so slight that you feel you really need to concentrate to pick up on it.

“Well that’s what I’m saying, we usually go see ice hockey games together, apart from that nothing really, I like shopping and watching TV and movies, you know, the usual” you shrug. You feel like every word you say is a puzzle piece for her to use to build a picture about you. It’s intimating.

“Maybe it’s time you found a new hobby,” Jeongyeon says and yet again it doesn’t sound rude, it just sounds like a suggestion.

“Why?” you ask.

“Doing a hobby that interests us is the best way of improving one’s mood, that and exercise. Maybe getting a hobby would open new doors for you”

Open new doors?

She must’ve sensed your confusion because she elaborates. “For example, you want to sing right?”

“Yeah but it’s not actually something—”

“Then you should maybe go to a jazz bar and just watch someone else sing” she interrupts you.

“I dunno” you say uncertainly looking down at your hands. “I don’t think Jackson would be into that”

“Then take a friend or go by yourself,” Jeongyeon says.

You can’t help but smile. “You make everything sound so simple, you know that?”

She laughs a little then looks you right in the eye. “The world is simple, it’s us human beings that complicate things”

You actually sigh at her and just smile faintly. She makes you think anything is possible. Maybe you could go to a bar and watch other people who sing for a living? Maybe one day you’d even have the balls to sing yourself.

“Then one thing could lead to another and you could maybe give it a try yourself, but you don’t have to, it’s just something for you to do that you’re actually interested in, because let me be blunt but you don’t strike me as the biggest ice hockey fan” she says smirking.

You blink at her and laugh a little nervously. She’s in your damn head again.

“I don’t have a lot of friends,” you admit quietly.

She tilts her head and you swear you see some emotion flash before her eyes.

“Add that to the mounting reasons of why you should take up this new hobby then” she smiles calmly.

“Yeah” you sigh and you actually can’t believe you’re thinking about it.

Maybe you could?

“I’m sorry our meetings going to have to be short today Nayeon, it’s my fault I was running late, you don’t have to pay for this session”

“Oh,” you breathe and you don’t even bother hiding your disappointment. You just got here. You’re not going to see her again till Tuesday and that’s like 5 days away. The pit of your stomach feels heavy.

She seems to sense your disappointment. “But tell me something Nayeon, in the meantime I want to ask you this — if there’s one thing in your life right now that’s troubling you, more than most, what would you say it is?”

You swallow and think about it.

You look up at her and she’s sitting there serenely on the chair, legs crossed and a small smile on her face. Her eyes are so brown and calming. You feel you could tell her anything and she wouldn’t think any less of you, or think you’re being stupid. That thick sweater she’s wearing looks so snug against her, you kind of want to hug her and see how it would feel, how she would feel.

You swallow again because you’re having all these feelings for a complete stranger, feelings that you’ve never felt as strongly before even with Jackson and at the same time completely new feelings all together. She’s your counselor and a woman. Have you become obsessed with her or something? Was that what this is? Was this what counselling was supposed to do to people?

You try not to think about your feelings or any implication they might have. You just really like Jeongyeon and feel like bearing a little of your soul simply because she deserves it.

“I guess lately I’ve been feeling like life is moving too fast you know?”

Jeongyeon nods and allows you to continue.

“I mean, I’m 25, and I’m already getting married, I’ve pretty much reached the top of my career ladder since, realistically, I can’t see myself going higher being a woman. Fucking bureaucracy and sexism in the office work place is a pain in the ass”

Jeongyeon giggles a little and it makes your stomach flutter just like it did on Tuesday.

“I feel like I’m always disappointing my parents, the only thing they seem to be proud about with me is that fact that I’m marrying Jackson. I just feel trapped, you know? There’s nothing good going on in my life apart from Jackson, but even then, I feel like I’m living his life not mine. We share friends and his family is my family. I just don’t know who I am anymore. This isn’t how I imagined things panning out or anything, I feel like I should be happy but…”

“You just aren’t” Jeongyeon says softly, finishing for you.

You clench your stomach muscles and blink away tears that are stinging the back of your eyes.

“Well,” the blonde begins, tucking some hair behind her ear and looking at you, not with pity, but something else you can’t place. You’re trying really hard not to cry in front of her. “I want you to think about that in our time apart Nayeon. I mean really think about it. Think about what is making you unhappy and think about things you could possibly do to make your situation better. I mean really think outside the box, nothing is off limits, OK?”

You nod feeling a little better. She’s definitely given you food for thought.

“Can I leave now?” you ask pathetically. “It’s just I’m probably late for work”

“Sure, you can” she smiles as she stands up to see you out the door. “Thanks for coming”

You sigh, still trying to fight away the tears, your eyes probably look glossy. You wonder if she knows you’re close to crying, then again, she’s a counselor, she probably does. You both reach the threshold and you turn around to leave.

“One more thing Nayeon” Jeongyeon says softly and leans forward grabbing your forearm.

You turn back around a little and blink down at her touching you. Again, that weird feeling takes over you, her hand is so soft and warm and for some reason you feel like running the hell away but your legs don’t appear to be listening to your brain.

“I get the feeling you feel that life is passing you by?”

You nod. She’s right yet again. You wonder if you’ll ever witness her being wrong.

“We’ll touch more on that on Tuesday, but for now, I just want you to know — It’s never too late to be who you are”

Fuck.

You really don’t want to cry and now she’s stroking her thumb along your arm and it’s making you feel light-headed. You need to get out of here.

“Goodbye Nayeon” Jeongyeon says softly.

The door to room 47 is shut behind you once more and your arm is feeling kind of tingly where she was touching it.

You make your way back to work, the tears you had been holding in finally falling from your eyes. You’ll need to fix your make-up. This is all Jihyo’s fault you think grimly. You don’t know why you’re feeling this way; you were excited to see her but when you got there you just wanted to get the hell away. Something tells you you’ll be going through this all over again on Tuesday.

Several hours later you’re leaving your work office building, the evening sky setting over the city. You don’t live that far from here so you usually get the sub home, it turned out to be less expensive than driving a car in the city, plus you get a five-minute walk. When you’re about to turn and walk away though something catches your eye across the street.

Jeongyeon.

It is definitely Jeongyeon because it was that building, she left and nobody else would leave the house wearing what she was. She’s leaving the office building and walking away from you down the opposite street. You stand rooted to the spot wondering what to do. Should you even do anything? You kind of want to say hi though. Maybe you should follow her.

Yep. You are definitely a fucking stalker you think as you start walking toward her and away from your usual route home. It’s not until you get closer you realize Jeongyeon is in the company of another blonde, one that reaches Jeongyeon’s knees. A golden retriever dog is prodding along happily beside the blonde; it’s tail wagging and hitting the back of her legs.

You find yourself smiling.

You’re not stalking her for more than 5 minutes before you come to the local park. Of course, she’s just taking her dog to the park. You half expected something wonderful to happen when watching her, like she was secretly magic and would open a portal to her secret, wonderful world.

You’re really starting to become fucking stupid.

So stupid in fact that you follow her into the park. What the fuck is wrong with you? Just go up and say hi. What’s the worst that could happen? Well. The dog could fucking attack you for starters.

You stand by a tree and watch her for a while. Jeongyeon managed to talk to a complete stranger and ask for bread to throw in the pond for the ducks. You just stare at her in awe. She’s one of those people who can strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. Fuck it. You need to talk to her.

You walk briskly, your heels digging into the stone pathway until you’re just behind her. The elderly man she was talking to was now sitting on a bench a bit further away.

“Hi!” you say a little too eagerly.

Jeongyeon jumps a little and turns around, her dog following suit.

She looks surprised but happy to see you.

“Nayeon? Hi, what’re you doing here?” she asks, bringing her woolly sweater up to her red cheeks and rubbing them.

She’s so damn cute.

“I uh,” you swallow and now you realize you didn’t have enough time to come up with a lie. Fuck it. You don’t think you want to ever lie to her anyway. “I saw you come out the building and I uh…”

“Followed me all the way here?” Jeongyeon finishes, giggling.

“Yeah,” you say awkwardly rubbing the back of your neck.

“Where are your manners Lucy? Say hello to Nayeon!” the blonde says in mock anger to the dog beside her.

The golden retriever wags its tail and holds up its paw at you.

She’s so damn cute, just like her owner. Smart too.

You chuckle as you take its fluffy paw and shake it. It’s almost as special as touching Jeongyeon. Almost.

“She’s very cute” you chuckle more as the dog drops its paw and looks up at Jeongyeon. You can tell it obeys and respects its master.

“So cute” Jeongyeon sighs and gives you a pointed look.

Your insides squirm a little.

“Lucy, go get Nayeon a present, go fetch” she says patting the dog’s head.

The dog is off running toward the far distance where there is a group of trees; it goes around one and is out of sight.

“A present?” you smirk, amused.

Jeongyeon nods bouncing on her feet a little.

It’s kind of odd to see her out of room 47. It makes her seem more real. Which is fucking stupid because of course she’s real. You look bashfully at one another as a brief silence consumes you. You’re not good at making conversation because most of the time you don’t want to. But you want to with her.

“I like your sweater” you say.

“Thanks,” Jeongyeon beams, her eyes falling to your lips briefly then back up to your eyes. “I made it myself.”

You chuckle because of course.

“You want me to make you one?” Jeongyeon asks excitedly.

You laugh again because she’s so innocent and childlike yet has the grace of a woman.

“I wouldn’t be caught fucking dead in one of those things,” you say.

You watch her face fall, as her eyes look a duller shade of brown.

You know from that moment on that you never want to disappoint her again. “Well,” you smirk “that’s what I’d usually say, but for you? I think I could manage wearing one”

You hope she gets your sense of humor.

The light returns to her eyes and her lips spread out in a smile. “OK, I’ll make you one, I need your favorite animal so I know what to put on it though”

“Mhmm,” you look up in thought. “A lizard I guess?”

Jeongyeon snorts. “A lizard? Really Nayeon?”

“Yeah really” you smirk. “What’s wrong with lizards?”

The blonde rolls her eyes and shakes her head, some blonde hair falling in front of her face. “Fine” she concedes.

You really don’t want this conversation to end so you keep talking. “Got any exciting plans for the weekend?”

Jeongyeon runs her tongue along her lower lip and lets out a popping noise with her lips. “Kinda” she says nodding. “I bought property out of state in Pyeongchang so I need to go and arrange a few things”

You feel the blood leave your face and she must notice because she gives you a puzzled look. It can’t be, can it?

“Y-you? You bought the Wang Ranch?” you ask in disbelief.

“Wow, how do you know that?” she asks in awe, her brown eyes wide with surprise.

“Wang… my fiancé is Jackson, Jackson Wang, his family own that place, and I’ve been going there for years,” you say.

You cannot fucking believe this.

“Me and Jackson are actually going this weekend too, although our main reason for going was to make sure the new buyer was legit,” you say laughing because you don’t even need to worry about that any more.

Jeongyeon wouldn’t hurt a fly never mind a person.

Jeongyeon giggles a little then sighs. “I guess I’m meeting your future mother in law then?” she asks quietly. The sparkle is gone from her eyes and yet again you get the feeling you disappointed her. You never want to disappoint her and you already hate that look.

“Yeah,” you sigh and both of you are plunged into an awkward silence.

You both look out at the little pond and listen to duck’s quack and flutter against the water. You wonder how she got the money to buy that place, or why she’s even buying it in the first place. Is she moving away? You really hope not. You go to ask but you close your mouth. She’s the one that’s supposed to ask you the questions, not the other way around.

Lucy comes running back after a while and nudges Jeongyeon’s hand. She’s brought back a stick. She gives a single bark and Jeongyeon claps around her floppy ears.

You’re kind of jealous and again you don’t know why, or at least, you don’t want to think about why.

“Here,” Jeongyeon says smiling giving you the stick. Jeongyeon puts a hand up to her mouth so she’s talking away from Lucy. She leans closer to you so she’s practically whispering in your ear, “please don’t throw away the stick until you’re out of the park, Lucy might take it personally if you don’t like her stick.”

You feel a giggle come up because you don’t think she’s being serious but then she leans back away from you and looking at you, the brightness back in her eyes a little. You think she’s being serious, or at least you think that she thinks there’s some truth to that statement. You don’t even have the heart to mock her; you just chuckle and nod your head.

She’s so fucking cute.

“Oh well, we should be getting home” Jeongyeon sighs and begins to walk away, Lucy following obediently along at her side. “I guess we’ll be seeing each other sooner than we thought, huh?” she smirks back at you.

With a whip of her head, she turns back away from you and walks toward the exit.

You just watch her leave and try to ignore the flutter in your stomach. You also try to ignore that your eyes fell to her legs and yeah, this time her ass.

You don’t want to feel like this, yet you do because it’s such a good feeling, you think you’re already hooked to how she makes you feel. You went to her in hope that you’d feel saner but again you leave her company feeling insane.

Well, you must be fucking crazy because you carried that damn stick all the way home.


	3. The Wang Ranch

You don’t really believe in fate, yet you can’t help but think you were destined to meet Jeongyeon. If Jihyo hadn’t told you about her you would have met her at the Wang’s Ranch eventually anyway. The world really does work in mysterious ways; you’re suspicious because normally it’s just out to get you. Jackson’s driving his shabby pick-up truck and you’ve got your things thrown at the back, a weekend away from the city and sitting in the sun while Jackson goofed off with his immature brothers seemed like the perfect getaway. Now Jeongyeon was going to be there and it somehow feels more perfect. You’re always mocked for dressing up too much at the ranch but you like to look your best, but you’ve learned from past experience that clothes always somehow get dirty or lost at that place do you’ve opted to wear boots, tight jeans and a hoodie.

Jackson’s driving along the middle of nowhere and it’s getting dark. You yawn and wonder how much further you are away. You’ve been to the ranch many times but you can never quite calculate how long it takes you to get there since the grainy road is usually empty and there’s literally nothing much along the way to use as landmarks.

“How much further?”

“20 minutes I think” Jackson yawns back. “Is this gonna be weird for you? Like your counselor being there?”

You told Jackson that his family didn’t need to worry about the new buyer for the ranch since it was Jeongyeon. He seemed convinced by your judgment alone and you like that about Jackson, he never second-guesses you.

“No,” you sigh. “Well, I don’t think so, she’s nice enough…”

Nice enough. Understatement much? She’s the most perfect person you think you’ve ever met.

You look to your side at Jackson. He yawns as he scratches his stubble and tries to keep his eyes on the road. You love him really but do you think he’s perfect? You roll your eyes at your own thoughts — nobody is perfect.

Except Jeongyeon.

Maybe.

“Good, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable” Jackson says.

You give a small smile and put your hand on his knee and squeeze it. He’s always looking out for you, he’s not just your fiancé he’s kind of your best friend too. For some reason you feel guilty though.

The truck suddenly rumbles and Jackson’s hitting the breaks but the engines already seemingly died. The truck rolls off road slightly before coming to a halt. You both lunge forward with the momentum into the dashboard.

Jackson turns the keys and hits the pedal to the floor to try get it starting again but it’s no use.

“What the actual fuck? We better not be stuck out here, I’m not walking that far in the dark” you complain.

“Please Nayeon, like you’re brave enough to walk in the dark” Jackson grins at you.

You roll your eyes because you’re not in the mood for his taunting, you just want to get to the ranch and go straight to bed, you’re exhausted, you both set out soon after you came home from work and you haven’t even had anything to eat.

“This is not how I want to spend a Friday night.”

“Hold on, I’ll go take a look,” Jackson says opening the door and slamming it shut.

You roll down the window at your side and scowl at him, “you don’t know the first thing about cars or fixing shit.”

Your heart and brain seem to give a simultaneous jolt to your body and consciousness. You know a certain blonde who likes to fix cars. Maybe she likes to fix people too.

Jackson spends about 5 minutes out there with the hood open, before he slams it shut and comes back into the truck.

“Yeah uh… I have no idea.”

“Shocking,” you say sarcastically. “Uh, this may sound weird, I don’t know if she’d come but… I mean if she’s already at the ranch… I suppose…”

God you’re nervous.

“What?”

You shift around on your seat so you’re facing Jackson, “Jeongyeon… my counselor? She knows how to fix cars.”

“She does?” Jackson screws up his face unconvinced.

“Yeah,” you nod firmly. “If she can’t fix it then she can always give us a ride there and we’ll come out and get the truck later or something.”

“OK,” Jackson nods, getting out his mobile “I’ll call my brother and see if she’s there.”

Your stomach is suddenly doing summersaults, you were kind of hoping to avoid Jeongyeon till at least tomorrow, and now she may be coming to you right now. You and Jackson. You feel sick. You don’t want her to see you and Jackson together, the thought makes you nervous.

“Hey Teddy” Jackson grins down his mobile.

Teddy. Teddy is Jackson’s older brother, that’s what people call him, really his name is Theodore but it’s just Ted or Teddy for short. They look similar except Ted is scrawny, lanky and tall with long black hair normally tied back. He still has the same eyes and large lips as Jackson.

You listen intently to Jackson’s conversation on the phone, wishing desperately you could hear the other end.

“She is? Uh huh… yeah… Jeongyeon… OK… she has it with her? OK. Yeah. She doesn’t mind? Uh huh. Cool. Ha, we’ll see. OK then. You sure she doesn’t mind? OK tell her thanks, bye.”

Jackson hangs up and you stare at him.

“Well?”

Jackson sighs and flicks his brown hair away from his face. “She says she don’t have a car to come and get us since she came here on a motorbike, BUT she’s pretty sure she can fix the truck so she’s on her way with a repair kit or something.”

You sigh in relief. “OK, good.”

You both exit the car and stand in the darkness outside, it’s weirdly eerie and quiet and it’s not quite warm or cold, everything’s just still. The air is quite humid though and it’s annoying you. You and Jackson play a ridiculous game of I spy for a while.

It’s not until 10 minutes later you see a white dot in the distance and you know it’s the front of a vehicle. A motorbike.

Your stomach is back to summersaulting and your heart is beating, Jeongyeon’s coming. When the vehicle comes closer you realize it’s a shiny red motorbike and the person on it is wearing leather and a black protective biker helmet. Maybe it’s not her?

You can’t believe how fast they are driving.

Soon the bike expertly swerves into a parking position right in front of the truck and the figure perched upon the bike breaks and lifts off their helmet and short golden hair comes gracefully falling out.

Either Teddy got real pretty or it’s Jeongyeon.

You can’t believe the sight you’re witnessing, and you wonder if there will ever be a time when Jeongyeon does not awe you. You watch as she steps off her motorbike and shakes her head, her blonde hair whipping almost in slow motion in the hot air.

She’s every bit the biker as she swaggers toward you and Jackson, donning tight leather black pants and a red flannel shirt that’s tied up in the middle, displaying probably the most perfect abs you have ever seen, and that’s saying something because you’re marrying the gym freak that is Jackson Wang. You don’t know where to look, you’re shaking on the spot, and you’re kind of jealous how hot she is yet mostly you’re just something else. You really don’t want to think about that something else.

“Hey, I’m here to rescue you guys” she smirks right at you and your heart goes crazy. The blonde has a bag on and she set’s it down, she takes out a red tool box and lays it on the ground, you assume it’s the tools for fixing the truck.

“You must be Jeongyeon,” Jackson grins and holds out his hand and Jeongyeon gives it a firm shake.

You really like her hands. You just like the look of them and you wonder what they feel like. You liked it when she touched your hand and arm but you kind of want her to touch you more, you’re just not sure where.

“Don’t worry I can fix whatever’s wrong with your truck” she smiles politely at Jackson but he isn’t paying attention, he’s too busy staring at the shiny red motorbike that belongs to Jeongyeon.

“Woah,” Jackson breathes in awe. “What make is it?” he asks eagerly to Jeongyeon.

The two of them interacting is weird and uncomfortable for you and you kind of want one of them to leave but you don’t know which. For now, it seems like the three of you are stuck out here though.

“Ducati Monster 696” Jeongyeon says folding her arms smugly. “She’s a babe, right?” she says to Jackson but her eyes flicker to you and they’re shining with mischief.

You chew your lip and look down, hoping your insides don’t squirm and somehow wriggle their way out of your body. You don’t know if she’s been flirting with you because you don’t know how other woman flirt, not really. Jeongyeon’s so special you think she’s just like this with everyone.

“Hell yeah, I think I already like you Jeongyeon.” Jackson grins “Can I take her for a spin?”

“Jackson please,” you say, your voice suddenly managing to work. “She doesn’t want your filthy paws all over her shiny toy, ok?”

“Mhmm,” Jeongyeon hums and her bright brown eyes are twinkling in the night and you’re sort of lost in them. “I don’t usually let people ride my girlfriend.”

Jackson snorts.

You on the other hand just about collapse because she’s talking to Jackson but looking straight at you with a smirk.

“Have you given her a name?” Jackson asks laughing.

“Not yet, I want a dynamic name for her,” Jeongyeon says walking by the truck. “Nayeon’s quite a dynamic name, isn’t it?” she says lowly and you stare at her as your heart misses a beat. She’s got her head bowed and is leaning against the truck door, trailing a slender finger around the ridge of the side mirror, her eyes look up and sparkle at you and you gulp looking away.

“I think I could get used to riding a Nayeon” she adds and giggles softly and you’re sure her eyes are on you but you can’t bring yourself to look, your cheeks are burning so much that you might just melt into a puddle right here.

Jackson just continues to laugh and you’re mad at him for being stupid.

“Tell you what,” Jeongyeon says throwing the keys at Jackson and he catches them. “You drive back a mile, turn around, come back and I’ll have your truck fixed by then.”

She says it like it’s a certainty. A bet.

You’re panicking because you really want to go with Jackson, you can’t be alone with her; you’ll die or something.

“You’ve got a deal lady” Jackson says dopily, already fixing the helmet on his head.

He hops on and revs the engine and he looks like a giant kid in a toy store. The engine roars and he’s done a u-turn and is driving off on the empty road the way you both came.

Jeongyeon bends over and grabs the toolbox. You watch the leather material stretch around the shape of her ass. Damn. You gulp. You really should have gone with Jackson.

She walks by you without saying anything and flips open the hood of the pickup truck. She whips her hair around and she has the most delightful look on her face.

“Your fiancé is hot” she says airily, like some bypassing comment.

You can’t quite believe what you’re hearing. You weren’t expecting that. Your stomach feels like a giant block of ice as it sinks further down your body. You feel disappointed as your entire body slumps. You’re not sure why you’re disappointed but it unsettles you nonetheless.

“Yeah…” you sigh and sink to the ground crossing your legs. Maybe you should just let her fix the truck and ignore her for the rest of the weekend, although you’re not sure you can do that.

As if sensing your disappointment, the blonde turns around and eyes you sitting on the ground. Her eyes go a shade darker as her lids fall just an inch and you gape up at her in awe once again. You think your mouth is open but you’re not entirely sure.

Her eyes roam yours, “You’re hotter though,” she adds, not before chewing her lip, sucking it in and then turning around as if she had to force herself from looking at you.

You gulp and your stomach somehow found its way back up and now a warm tingly feeling is pooling at the pit of it, like somehow the ice melted.

You think you now know how women flirt with other women.

OK so maybe you are attracted to her because your mouth is practically watering as you watch her bend over the hood and inspect the engine. You’re confused as hell because you haven’t really liked a woman before, well, you’ve only ever been with Jackson and you kissed that girl in college once and liked it, but then you got with Jackson and you’ve never really had to think about your sexuality. You haven’t ever given it a second thought.

Now there’s this blonde in your life and you can do nothing but think about it.

“Hey gorgeous?” Jeongyeon calls out like she wants your attention.

You grumble as you stand up, you really wish she’d stop calling you that, then again not really.

“Need help?” you ask as you approach and stand beside her. You can feel the heat emitting from the engine.

“Mhmm,” Jeongyeon licks her lips looking down and you can hardly see in this dark. “Can you hold the flashlight?”

You look down and see the unraveled tool pack by the tire; you bend down and grab the flashlight, switch it on and hold it over so she can see what she’s doing.

“Much better,” she says and you just watch her as she puts on a giant pair of yellow gloves and leans over inspecting the engine.

Your breathing is rapid as hell for some reason and you feel nervous just standing next to her. You hate silence. Jeongyeon’s humming a tune to herself completely unaware of how much she’s stressing you out.

“Ah,” Jeongyeon says, “found your problem” she utters and cups her hand under a large looking tube thing. You have no idea about engines or cars, you just assume she knows what the hell she’s talking about. “I need you to do a few things for me.”

“Anything.”

Her eyes shift from the engine and up to you and for some reason she smiles at your response. “Your radiator hose is blown, can you hand me the self-fusing silicone tape?”

“Uh… I take it this is it?” you say as you grab red tape from the kit, it’s the only thing that looks like tape so you figure you can’t be wrong.

“Yeah, thanks” she takes it and stretches out some, wrapping it around the broken hose and attaching it to another part you’re not quite sure off.

What you are sure of is how impressed you are.

“Do you have bottled water?”

“Why? You thirsty after all that 30 seconds of hard work?” you smirk, mocking her.

“Uhm,” she sighs and looks up with a smile, like she’s trying to figure out the best way to word whatever’s coming next. “It’s to cool the radiator with.”

The blood drains from your face as you stare and laugh nervously. “Oh, uh yeah sure, wait here.”

Idiot.

Wait here? Of course, she’s fucking going to wait there she can’t go anywhere else. You walk toward the passenger side, open the door and take out some bottled water you have stashed there. You come back and hand her the water. She pours it over a certain area and then takes a cloth, smoothing over the pipe she fixed. Or you think she fixed. She throws the cloth down, takes off her gloves and rubs some sweat away from her forehead.

“OK,” she sighs, “that’s it fixed, but it’s just a temporary repair, you should really get the piping replaced, maybe a new battery while you’re at it once back in the city.”

You turn and smile at her and she cowers away, you’ve just realized you’ve shone the torchlight in her face.

“Sorry,” you mumble as you switch it off.

Jeongyeon looks at you with amusement and runs a hand through her hair. “I hope you don’t mind me fingering under your hood” she smirks at you.

Your jaw drops, as does the torch in your hand and it falls to the ground with a clatter. “Shit,” you hiss and bend down to pick it up, “Sorry I’m not usually this clumsy.”

The delightful sound of Jeongyeon’s giggle floats to your ears and your stomach does that fluttery thing again.

“We should let the radiator and engine cool for a while, but it should be good to go.”

“Thanks, Jeongyeon,” you breathe and it comes out more as a rattle when she’s standing smiling at you like this is the most interesting event that’s ever happened in her life. You’re quite sure it’s not.

You watch in silence as she packs away her tools into her bag then sling it back over her shoulder.

You can’t be alone with her. You might do something stupid.

“You, OK?” Jeongyeon asks as she falls down and crosses her legs so she’s sitting opposite you.

“So, you’ve met the Wang family already?” you ask ignoring her question, desperately wanting to change the subject from whatever Jeongyeon might bring up, or make you bring up.

“Oh yeah,” she smiles, “they’re awesome and super friendly, the house itself is huge, I’ve got my own room and everything.”

“Yeah,” you sigh. You really don’t know what else to say, you want to say something that will rid your body of this buzzing feeling whenever she’s around but you don’t know what to say. “Where did you learn to fix engines? I mean I know it’s not your job so…”

Jeongyeon’s smile fades a little and she shrugs. “I like to fix things. It’s just a hobby.”

You notice how her eyes downturn and she looks away, there’s probably more to it than that.

“You know,” you say quietly, “If I were the counselor and you were the client, I’d totally just call you out on that bullshit you just deflected from.”

She blinks at you then slowly a shy smile spreads across her face. “I like you Nayeon,” Jeongyeon sighs quietly, her bright brown eyes darting over your features.

You blush and squirm and smile bashfully back. Crap. You want to stop feeling so scared and vulnerable around her, she scares the hell out of you but a large part of you enjoys how it feels. You love how she makes you feel. You must be some sort of fucking masochist or something.

“You think complimenting me will distract me from the bullshit you just told? Nuh uh” you smirk at her.

You’d like to think she could tell you anything like you can tell her anything. Then part of you remembers you’ve only known her barely a week and she’s your counselor, not your friend.

She just sits and grins and you and your stomach is yet again back to doing summersaults. You don’t get long to relish in her beautiful smile till it’s fading, Jeongyeon’s looking over your shoulder.

“Your fiancé is coming back.”

“Oh,”

You didn’t mean to sound disappointed but Jeongyeon’s eyes look at you differently and you gulp realizing she’s probably taken a mental note of that for later. It’s then you realize nothing much will get by her.

You’re still scared shitless.

Both of you stand as Jackson comes whizzing back on the bike toward you, bringing it slowly to a standstill by the truck.

“Woo!” he yells, his voice echoing around the night. “That was awesome, she’s so fast!”

Jeongyeon laughs a little but it’s a different type of laugh than the one she has around you. Your heart beats in pride for some reason.

“It’s fixed temporarily but you need new piping and probably a new radiator and battery too” Jeongyeon says as Jackson hands her the helmet and keys to her bike.

“Hey, thanks a lot, I’ll pay you—” Jackson begins.

“No,” Jeongyeon says cutting him off suddenly and holds up a hand. “Free of charge, I insist, please.”

You’re kind of just standing here smiling dopily at her. You need to find out something bad about her, you kind of want to make her angry just to prove to yourself that she isn’t this damn perfect all the time.

“Well,” Jeongyeon sighs placing the helmet on her head and positioning herself on the bike.

  1. She is so damn hot. You admit it.



“If you want Nayeon, I can give you a ride back? There’s enough for two on this thing.”

Your stomach flips and you clench it to stop because you need to think.

“Hey! No fair, why not me?” Jackson laughs as he gets into the truck and rolls down the window. He starts the engine back up and it works perfectly, the headlights flickering on.

“You’ve already had a shot, Nayeon here hasn’t” she smirks from Jackson and then her eyes land on you. “Besides, it’s a 20-minute drive, on this baby? Just 10.”

Even though the helmet mostly hides her face and it’s dark you can still see how bright her eyes are. You somehow manage to put one foot in front of the other and walk up to the bike; you shift yourself so your back is to Jackson who’s watching you out the window.

“Come with me,” Jeongyeon says, her voice muffled by the helmet.

“I… I can’t…” you say shakily and suddenly you’re looking at each other and it feels like you’re both talking about something much more than a bike ride.

“Why?” she asks softly, her eyes bearing into your own and again you feel like she’s reading your mind. She still scares you.

“I’m scared,” you whisper. It’s amazing but scary how quickly she can extract the truth from you.

“There’s nothing to be scared of,” she says back just as quietly, her eyes softening. “You can hold on tight to my waist, I’ll even let you wear the helmet?”

You sigh as your body naturally leans in toward the bike and closer to her. “I’d like to but I can’t, I need to go with Jackson.”

Jeongyeon sighs back and her eyes look disappointed again and you hate that look so much that you flinch and turn away from her.

“I’ll see you there” you call out over your shoulder and walk back quickly toward the truck before she can say anything.

By the time you’ve shut the truck door at your side she’s already zoomed off at such a fast speed in front of you both. If you were your normal self you would have gone with her, if she were anyone else you would have gone with her, you’re desperate to get to bed and that bike gets you there faster but you stick with what you know — the slow option, the Jackson option, the safe option.

“Why didn’t you go? It’s fun.” Jackson asks after you manage to get back on the road.

You shrug a little and lean against the window looking out into darkness. “I was scared of falling.”

“Falling off the bike? Ha” Jackson laughs a little but says nothing more.

You sigh miserably. That wasn’t quite the falling you were thinking of.

You eventually both arrive there and drive straight up by the fields to the house. You sigh in relief just wanting to get to bed, even though you’re hungry. Jackson takes your hand as you both walk up and enter the large farmhouse. It’s very much a stereotypical country house, its exterior is wooden and inside there are large wooden beams on the ceiling and stone floors. It’s large but cozy and you always think of this place as your home away from home.

Mrs. Wang is in the kitchen stirring soup in a large pot. “Hey y’all, come on in” she calls over her shoulder.

Jackson lets go of you and goes over to her kissing her on the cheek. “Hey ma, smells good.”

He comes back to you stretching, “Hey I’ll go get the suitcases and take them to our room.”

“Thanks” you say gratefully and give him a peck on the cheek.

You sit down at the large wooden dining table in the kitchen.

“You hungry?” Mrs. Wang asks.

“Starved” you give a hollow laugh.

“Good, my homemade vegetable soup will be ready in a tick” she says, her accent coming through.

“Thanks,” you sigh in relief, maybe you do have time to eat something before hitting the hay. “Where is everyone?” you ask looking around, the clock in the hallway catches your eye and it’s 10:45pm.

“My husband and good for nothing son are slacking off in town, probably in the bar, Robert has moved away, he’s applied for a scholarship in Ohio.”

Robert was Jackson’s younger brother. “Wow, that’s great Jackson never told me.”

“And Jeongyeon is—”

“Here” comes a friendly voice from the hallway and in walks Jeongyeon to the kitchen. She’s got on a tank top and aqua brown short pajamas with ducks on them. What was it with the ducks?

The biggest grin is on your face as you eye her. She’s so damn adorable yet you think she’s sexy too. You gulp and look up to meet brown eyes that seem to always twinkle at you.

She’s also smirking at you as if you said those thoughts out loud.

“Ah, there’s my life saver” Mrs. Wang says as she lays out two large bowls and dishes the soup out into them.

Jeongyeon laughs softly.

“You sure you want to invest in this place?” Mrs. Wang asks like she still can’t believe her luck.

You can sympathize; Jeongyeon somehow gives you that feeling too.

“For the millionth time yes,” Jeongyeon laughs a little and sits down opposite you. “But before I sign the dotted line, I need to spend tomorrow looking about the house and the search the acres of land. Just need to make sure that there’s no issues with the crop or any safety issues.”

“Sure honey, you take all the time you need” Mrs. Wang says laying out bowls of soup in front of you and Jeongyeon and placing slices of bread in the middle between you. “Well goodnight darlings, tell Jackson goodnight too Nayeon, I’ll see you folks in the morning” Mrs. Wang says as she trots through to the hall and upstairs.

“Good night” you and Jeongyeon say in unison.

Jackson comes in a moment later with both your suitcases.

“Hey, your mom made soup, you want some?”

“No,” he grumbles lifting the suitcases and dragging them across to the hallway. “I’m too tired after all that driving, I’m going to bed, see you in the morning babe” he winks at you. “It was nice to meet you Jeongyeon,” he adds smiling before heading upstairs.

It’s just you and Jeongyeon and there’s a strange silence as you both eat your soup, the spoons clanking against the bowls. She puts down her spoon and smiles at you, and you have to say something to distract yourself from doing something stupid. Like maybe throwing yourself across the table and just hugging her or telling her how pretty you think she is or how much you love her laugh.

Just on cue Jeongyeon giggles that same giggle she has exclusively for you and you jump a little shocked because yet again her timing with your thoughts is impeccable. Your stomach flutters yet again and you kind of wish she’d stop laughing like that, she tickles your insides like nobody has managed to before.

“What?” you smile at her and you feel your face warming up that has nothing to do with the soup.

“Mhmm nothing,” she smiles coyly and bows her head then chews on her bottom lip a little, still looking up at you with that twinkle in her eye.

Your heart’s beating like crazy and you really need to get away from her.

“So… uh… t-tomorrow you said you’re going to look around? How do you know what to look for? I mean, do you know what you’re doing?” you stutter out hoping to distract her with idle conversation.

She tilts her head to the side as if she’s considering telling you something truthful or not, “I grew up on a farm, I know what’s what,” she says with a shrug.

Your eyebrows shoot up. Yet again she somehow manages to surprise you.

“But you’re right, I don’t know my way around, I could use a tour guide” she says and she’s looking at you expectantly.

“Well Jackson knows his way around best, he grew up here—”

“I’d rather you show me around” Jeongyeon interjects quietly and innocently starts eating her soup again.

Your heart is thudding so hard you feel like it might burst right out of your skin and flop its way disgustingly into your bowl of soup. You really hope she can’t hear it.

“Uh… yeah… well… maybe… it would be best if me and Jackson show you around.”

“OK, whatever” Jeongyeon shrugs and it’s possibly the first time you’ve ever seen her look cold. It’s very subtle and slight, but you can tell she’s shrugging you off. “If having Jackson around makes you feel more comfortable,” she says casually.

You frown, “Hold up, what the hell is that supposed to mean?” you ask annoyed.

She doesn’t seem the least bit surprised by your reaction, she just shrugs calmly again, “I thought maybe you’d be uncomfortable, seeing as I’m…” she trails and her eyes glaze over your own.

She leaves her sentence unfinished in the air and your heart it still thudding and you’re mad at her because you think she’s making you feel this way on purpose. Like she loves to watch you suffer and squirm.

There’s still a silence and she’s just sitting looking at you.

You almost want to do something crazy just to get rid of the anticipation or break the tension.

“You’re…?” you manage to breathe out quietly.

Her eyes fall to the side like she’s pondering her next words. “Your counselor” she says eventually, and smiles a small smile that is nothing more than a polite one.

You know that’s not what she was originally going to say.

“Bullshit” you mumble yet again and you don’t dare to look up at her for her response, you shove a few more spoonful of soup down your throat and get up quickly. “I’m going to bed, good night Jeongyeon.”

You make a break for it and you almost run all the way upstairs just to get away from her and how she makes you feel. You slip into your pajamas carefully because Jackson is sleeping and he’s snoring.

Your sleep hasn’t been great lately but you lie there with nothing but Jeongyeon in your thoughts. She scares you and excites you and you love but hate the way she makes you feel. You long to be around her then when you are, you long to get away again just to recuperate. She’s frankly exhausting you. You eventually fall asleep thinking how perfect and pretty she always is and you want to know what it was like for her growing up in a farm, you want to know her favorite color, you want to know why she likes ducks so much and you want to know why she fixes stuff.

Mrs. Wang the following morning has made you a fry, complete with black pudding, eggs and bacon. It’s not the healthiest of meals but fuck it, coming here always feels like a mini holiday so you’ll eat whatever the hell you want.

“Where’s Jackson?” you ask sitting down at the table you were at last night.

You woke up this morning and he wasn’t there.

“He’s away to collect my husband and Teddy,” she snarls disapprovingly. “They got drunk and stayed at that bar all night.”

You try hard not to laugh.

“Can you do me a favor?” Mrs. Wang comes closer to you and looks around like she doesn’t want to be overheard.

“Yeah, sure.” you say with curiosity.

“I’ve been trying to keep an eye on that Jeongyeon woman” she whispers to you, “can you go check on her and see what she’s doing? Last time I looked she was out by the chicken coup” she says and pats your shoulder.

You don’t know what it is exactly she wants you to do, spy on her? You’re not complaining though, you get to see Jeongyeon. You put sunglasses on as it’s sunny outside and you still feel half fucking asleep. You step out onto the porch and bask for a minute in the glorious sunshine. You walk around to the side of the house and toward the chicken coup.

It’s then you see her.

You even take off your sunglasses to get a better look.

Jeongyeon’s standing by the coup, axe in hand, and chopping pieces of wood over the chopping log. You can see the concentration in her face, but it’s only for a second as the rest of her distracts you completely. She’s wearing dark blue overalls that are far too big for her so there are big gaps running down the sides and you just stop and stare at her from behind. You can see the side of her perfect abs again and you see the beads of sweat running down her ribcage, you follow them till small perky breasts distract you. You can see a flash of the pink flesh of her nipple and you make a sound although you’re not sure what. It’s something between a moan and a sigh. She’s not wearing a bra. You watch as she somehow, gracefully brings down the axe and chops the piece of wood perfectly in two. Your stomach grows warm and your hands twitch at the sight of her sweating and panting in the glaring sun, her muscles retracting and her biceps enlarging then receding as the axe goes down. She has the most beautiful figure you’ve ever seen. You think your mouth has gone dry.

“Uh… Jeongyeon?” your voice comes out small and husky. Your face is burning as you feel a funny tingly feeling trickle down your insides and burning low in your stomach.

She is so sexy.

“Yeah?” she calls out and turns around. She raises one hand to shield her eyes from the sun and leans the axe casually on her shoulder with the other. You watch her skin glisten in the sun and it draws you in closer, your body seems to move of its own accord as you walk close to her. You kind of just want to run your hand along her collarbone and feel her biceps and for those hands just to touch you.

You shake your head hardly believing your own thoughts right now. Shit.

“Uh…” you stutter and you feel yourself burning up more now that you’re closer.

Those brown eyes are looking at you curiously.

“I can see your uhm… at the side… ok there’s side boob going on” you say laughing nervously and pointing at the side of her overalls.

She looks down to where you’re pointing. “Oh,” she says like it isn’t a big deal and she actually shrugs. She goes back to grabbing another piece of wood and placing it on the log, and again your eyes flicker down to look at her body from the opening.

“That looks hard” you say absent-mindedly, just standing here like an idiot gawking at her.

She giggles and your stomach flutters again.

“You wanna try?” she smirks at you, swirling the axe in one hand.

Sometimes she’s so fucking cocky you want to slap her. You look at her sweating face and her panting parted mouth and you then think maybe you don’t want to slap her but kiss her instead.

“I can show you what to do,” she says lowly and her eyes are piercing right through you, they somehow look darker.

“It can’t be that hard” you say folding your arms, smirking at her.

You think you’re flirting with her but you’re not sure.

She says nothing but smirks back at you and hands out the axe like a challenge. You take it as Jeongyeon stands back out of the way.

“You have to cut it perfectly down the middle in two, otherwise it’s useless” she says from behind you.

“Fine,” you say and you grab the axe, bring it up just above your head and bring it down with your eyes shut.

Whack.

You grumble as you open your eyes and realize it didn’t cut in the middle but it was skewed off to the side, furthermore it didn’t cut all the way down and now the axe was wedged in the piece of wood.

You hear Jeongyeon’s giggle float by you as she strolls by and takes the axe out of the piece of wood. You stare at her because that looked pretty stuck in there and you’re fascinated by her physical strength. She grabs another piece from the side and puts it on the log.

“Here, I’ll show you” she says quietly.

Before you know it, she’s behind you and bringing her arms around your front. You stiffen as the heat and moisture from her body travels to your own. She smells like lemon, sweat and freshly cut grass and its sort of intoxicating. She presses further into you from behind and you feel her breasts up against your back and her hair is tickling your shoulder and her mouth is by your ear.

“Take the axe,” she whispers into your ear, her breath ghosting your skin it sends goosebumps down your side.

Fuck.

You close your eyes as you grab the end of the axe with both hands and you’re practically swooning. She’s invading all your senses and your body is just buzzing, you want to run away but your body doesn’t want to. It’s leaning back into Jeongyeon like it needs the contact.

Jeongyeon with her arms around you clasps her strong, clammy hands over your own and secures the grip you have on the axe.

“Yeah, just like that, nice and tight” she breathes into your ear.

“Ugh…” you let out a shaky sigh as the words seep into your ears and delightfully slide down into your stomach, exciting it, then dropping further down to burn between your legs.

“Now, bring it up” she says she guides both your hands up.

You just do what she says because your mind is blank and your body is thrumming next to hers and you blink profusely because you can’t think, it’s too hot. She’s too hot.

Your heart is beating wildly against your ribcage and it’s echoing between your legs. You have no idea what’s going on.

“Bend your knees a little and don’t shut your eyes,” she says in your ear and you both bring the axe down, somehow more precisely than before.

You’re going to fucking melt. She’s actually going to kill you.

Whack.

You look down and the piece of wood is perfectly in two.

Your body is still shaking like a leaf leaning into hers and you suddenly let go of the axe and stumble away from her.

She looks at you shocked and confused.

“I…” you say and you’re breathing heavy, the beating in your heart and between your thighs are exceeding and you feel like you need to go jump in a river.

“Did I do something wrong?” Jeongyeon asks quietly. There is worry in her eyes and you swear she’s pouting. She just switched from sexiest woman ever to cute and adorable and you can’t fucking take this.

You can’t deal with her.

“I… I need to go.” you stutter and you trip over some stray stones.

“Are you OK?” she calls after you.

“Need to go.” you say back at her and you run back toward the house.

You burst into the kitchen and go whizzing by Mrs. Wang.

“Nayeon? What’s wrong? Where are you going?”

You feel tears sting the back of your eyes as your entire body feels like jelly.

“In for a very cold shower.” you shout back running upstairs as fast as you can and locking yourself in the toilet.

You’re still panting.

You may like it, but you can’t deal with how she makes you feel.

You need to get away from her.


	4. Hide and Seek

You feel renewed after getting a shower and into clean clothes. Your heart has stopped pounding the blood throughout your body at an unusually fast rate and your mind is clear of Jeongyeon, well, about as clear of Jeongyeon as you can get. You can’t stay in here forever though. You’ve put on a simple t-shirt and jean shorts; you guess you’ll be safe if you sunbathe a little out on the porch. Nothing will happen then right?

You walk back out and the sun is further up in the sky, it’s kind of at a perfect angle bearing down onto the chair just outside the kitchen window. You take a chance and peek around the edge of the house toward the chopping block. It’s empty, only the axe is left wedged on the stump. You sigh in relief and sit down on the chair. Jeongyeon was probably away checking the rest of the land, and this place is huge so you think you’re safe. For now.

You’ve been sunbathing for about 15 minutes when Jackson drives up in his truck. You sit up and watch as his grey-haired, small father come out along with Ted.

“You both look like shit” you smirk at them as they all walk up onto the porch.

“Stop yelling!” Mr. Wang grumbles at you.

You just laugh because he’s usually a grumpy old man anyway but he seems even more so now.

“They have hangovers” Jackson says and gives you a faux sympathetic look.

“Would have never have guessed.” you say rolling your eyes. You don’t know how Mrs. Wang copes with a family full of immature boys, and that’s including the elderly Mr. Wang. Were you looking into your future here? Were you and Jackson maybe going to have kids one day and you’ll be stuck in the kitchen doing all the work as they goof off?

You shift in your seat uncomfortably.

Mr. Wang hobbles inside.

“Woah… who is that?” Ted asks as he nods out toward the distance.

You stand up and see Jeongyeon walking over the fields toward the house. She’s wearing what she was before and your stomach clenches for several reasons. Here’s the thing about the Wang family boys, they don’t hide their attractions, at all.

“Jeongyeon, Nayeon’s counselor, she’s also the buyer of this place.” Jackson says.

Ted frowns and gives you a weird look.

He’s a good for nothing farm boy and you’re a successful woman in the city, yet, you’re the one who’s feeling embarrassed right now.

“Damn, she is so fucking hot, I think it’s about time she said hello to the Teddy” he smirks and is running off before you can stop him.

Fuck.

You feel kind of sick. You don’t want him meeting her or talking to her or touching her. If you noticed Jeongyeon’s lack of bra and her sweaty body and…

He certainly will.

“Tell him to back off, Jackson,” you say warningly.

Jackson just chuckles, “That’s Teddy for you,” he shrugs.

“No, I mean it,” you snap at him, “she’s my counselor OK? And it’s just freaking weird, I don’t want her mixed up in family matters OK?”

Jackson looks at you and can tell you’re serious. “OK Nayeon, relax, I’ll make sure nothing happens between them, I’ll tell him when he comes back to keep it in his pants.”

You feel even sicker at that thought. “OK,” you say as your breathing settles down a little in relief. “Thank you.” you say and lean up and kiss his cheek lightly.

You don’t know why but you were hoping Jeongyeon had seen.

The spinning feeling of nausea quickly comes back though as Ted and Jeongyeon are nearer and you hear her giggle. Your stomach plummets to new depths and you feel stupid and kind of feeling like crying. Then you feel stupid for feeling like crying. You thought that giggle was only for you, it’s the one that normally causes your stomach to flutter but now you think it’s just killed it. You hate feeling like this. What is wrong with you?

Ted and Jeongyeon both reach the porch and stop.

“Well it is sure lovely to see a pretty face up here for a change.” Ted smirks at Jeongyeon and she giggles that fucking giggle again.

“Oh, I don’t know about that” Jeongyeon says softly and bows her head. “Nayeon’s here right?”

Your head shoots up and she’s smiling at you. Your face burns red and you hope you can blame it on sunburn or something. You instinctively clutch Jackson’s arm.

“Ah, but she’s taken by my very own bro, unless… don’t tell me your pretty face is taken too?” Teddy asks and touches her arm and it makes you angry.

Your anger disperses though when your heart stops and you watch her. You’ve been wondering that yourself. She’s looking right at you and your grip on Jackson’s arm tightens, you almost want to cower away from her behind him.

“No, I’m not taken” Jeongyeon smiles politely.

“Uh, Ted?” Jackson interrupts, “Can I talk to you for a sec?” he asks, pointing a thumb over his shoulder toward the house.

Ted looks confused but then flashes a grin at Jeongyeon “I’ll see you later then.”

Jackson shoots you a look before entering the house with Ted and you trust him to convince him to back off.

Crap.

It’s only now you realize by asking Jackson to talk to Ted, it’s left you out here alone with Jeongyeon.

“Are you OK?”

You look up and Jeongyeon’s stepped up the first step onto the porch closer to you. Her skin is still shining and her hair looks windswept, you want to run your hands through it. You don’t know if it’s because of the sun but you suddenly notice the little freckles on her face and she looks beautiful. She kind of takes your breath away.

“Uh… yeah… I’m OK now,” you say uncertainly.

Are you though?

“Are you mad at me?” Jeongyeon asks and you look at her face as she adorably scrunches up her nose and looks at you like a fucking puppy.

Yes. You are mad at her. You think she’s being unprofessional and you want her to stop, no you need her to stop.

“N-no” you lie anyway, now’s not really the time to call her out on it.

“Uh huh,” she says slowly and gives you a look that tells you she doesn’t believe you. “Oh well, I’m away to run a bath and get changed.”

“Yeah? Planning on going somewhere?” you ask, trying to remain civil at least.

“Oh no, I still need to scour the rest of the place. I was just checking the animals; they all seem relatively healthy and good for produce. I need to check the crop and the rest of the land then take notes.”

“OK” you nod and rub your hands up and down your thighs.

She always makes you so damn nervous.

“So, if you need company, I’ll be around,” she says as she brushes by you and goes into the house.

You let out a breath and try and get your brain and body to function again.

Later on, in the evening you’re on Jackson’s lap in the living room, him and Ted are chatting and you’re just sitting staring at the fireplace glowing amber and crackling pieces of wood.

Jeongyeon walks in and you kind of suppress a laugh.

She’s changed from one pair of overalls to another, they are the exact same as the last except a lighter shade of blue. Jeongyeon seems to ignore the free seats, and you’re happy to notice the one next to Ted, and settles in front of the fire instead. Your eyes flicker to the gap at the side again and this time she has on a white bra. You wonder if she put one on for your sake. Again, almost as if by magic her eyes shift to the side and she’s smirks a little at you. You find yourself blushing and the edges of your lips twitching back in response. Jackson and Ted are talking about football or something and you’re just sitting here, on your future husband’s lap thinking about how beautiful are Jeongyeon’s eyes. You see the warm red glow reflection of the fire and it mixes with brown creating the most wonderful oxymoron you’ve ever seen.

“Are you laughing at me?” Jeongyeon asks in a playful tone.

It’s only now you realize her hands are busy at work tying her bootlaces together. You wonder where she’s going.

Her eyes are still at the side looking at you.

You smirk back, “A little,” you shrug a shoulder bashfully. “I thought you were changing.”

Jeongyeon looks down at her clothes and shifts around on the floor to face you. “I did,” she says simply.

You laugh a little, “Not much different from before.”

She smiles back and her eyes are shining at you. “They’re my farming clothes, not much point wearing regular clothes around here.”

You snort because you’ve seen Jeongyeon’s “regular” clothes and they are anything but.

She cocks her head to the side, “You’re laughing at me again, aren’t you?”

“Only in a good way” you sigh and the both of you just smile at each other.

Ted ruins your little moment as you just notice him and Jackson have stopped talking, you don’t remember anything else that happened since Jeongyeon came in the room.

“They’re a bit big for you are they not, you need to wear something much tighter” Ted says wiggling his eyebrows at the blonde.

Jeongyeon’s smile fades and she frowns a little. “They’re my dad’s.”

Your stomach flips because you’re so happy she’s being short with Ted, yet on the other hand you’re kind of intrigued. You want to ask her so much more.

“Well, I think they’re cool” Jackson says and lifts a thumb up at Jeongyeon.

“Thanks, aren’t they awesome?” she smiles and looks down at herself, tugging the straps of her overalls.

You giggle because nobody should be allowed to be that cute.

“I think the four of us should do something fun, don’t you folks?” Ted says, but he’s smirking at Jeongyeon and you really hope Jackson made it clear earlier.

You know exactly what fun he wants to have and you don’t like it.

It’s because she’s your counselor, right? Yeah. That’s it, there’s really no other reason, OK you find her attractive but it’s just a phase or something, it will pass and you’ll just laugh about this later on. You love Jackson after all.

“Yeah,” Jeongyeon’s eyes widen and she thumps her feet on the floor, “we should totally play hide and seek, right?”

You slide off Jackson’s lap and laugh. Jackson and Ted also laugh and Jeongyeon just looks confused. You hope they’re not laughing at her, you’re just laughing because she literally can’t be any cuter. Jeongyeon’s like a young child trapped in a wise young woman’s body and you really haven’t met anyone like her before.

“What’s so funny?” Jeongyeon asks with a shy smile. “I mean you have a big house and this huge land, and you’ve never played hide and seek?”

“I’m up for it.” Ted smirks.

You roll your eyes because he’s only going along with it in to get into her pants.

“Although,” Jeongyeon adds and raises her hand like she’s in class.

She needs to stop being so fucking cute.

“I can’t be it because I don’t know this place well enough and I’ll be really easy to find.”

“I’ll go it,” Jackson says sighing and standing up. “We need to make rules or something though, right?”

“Yeah,” you say nodding and you have the excitement of a child tickling your stomach. This was actually a pretty cool idea.

“For example, no hiding in the woods annnnddd,” Jeongyeon says standing up and swirling on the spot a little, “Only within the perimeter of the land.”

“Easy,” Jackson shrugs, “I grew up in this place, I know it like the back of my hand, I’ll find you all in like five minutes.”

“You’re on bro,” Ted says standing up and he goes to Jeongyeon and takes her hand.

“C’mon we better get a head start.” he smiles at her and she giggles back.

Fuck everything. Jackson clearly wasn’t clear enough when he said back off.

“You should probably count to 247” Jeongyeon says to Jackson.

You snort.

“Why that specific number?” Jackson asks chortling.

“Cause it’s as good a number as any.” Jeongyeon says like it should be obvious.

Seriously. You kind of want to do things to her to show her how cute you think she is. Like maybe hug her or something. Or just hold a mirror up to her.

Jackson turns around toward the wall, leans his arm against it and buries his face down.

“1… 2… 3…”

Jeongyeon and Ted are already running away and you hear the front door slam shut.

Fuck.

“Are we seriously, as adults, playing hide and seek?” you ask crossing your arms suddenly not in the mood to play.

“8… yes… 9….10”

You roll your eyes and walk out, fuck it you aren’t running anywhere. You step out onto the porch and are instantly cold, there’s a chilly wind and the sky is almost dark blue, you can see the moon in the distance. Ok so this is kind of creepy, playing hide and seek at night. You were considering breaking Jeongyeon’s rule and going into the woods because now that you’re thinking about it there aren’t that many places to hide. None that is obvious to you anyway. You walk forward by the fields and look into the oak tree farm. There’s no way you’re going in there now, it looks creepy as fuck and besides it’s against the rules.

You don’t really have the heart to break Jeongyeon’s rules.

You wonder where her and Ted went because you’re looking around and you can’t even see them in the distance. You suppose they’ve gone around the back of the house and down to the cornfields below, but you reckon that’s a pretty obvious place to hide. You suddenly worry that Jeongyeon will get lost because that cornfield goes on forever, besides Ted would probably do something stupid and sneak up on her.

Your heart sinks.

You don’t want to think about what Ted would try to do to Jeongyeon in the dark, and she’ll probably just giggle back.

Fuck her, she can have him.

Feeling like you need to clear your head you walk on until you come to one of the barns, you know this one is empty and it’s just where the Wang family keep the hay supply stacks. You sigh thinking it’s as good a place as any. Besides you’re freezing your tits out here.

You walk in and see the hay on the bottom floor is stacked neatly up in square bundles. There is a wooden ladder that leads to the loft area above and from here you can see there’s nothing but hay up there so you climb it carefully. Once you reach the top there’s nothing but strewn piles of straw and hay everywhere, you can hardly see the floor. You smile thinking it’s pretty perfect actually. You gather some up from the floor and walk carefully to the far corner. The floor is made of wood and you tread lightly because you get the feeling it can hardly hold your body weight. You shove the pile in front of you and you just lie down on the hay behind it, your body obscured from view. You actually have a decent view of the door from here too.

You sigh and close your eyes. Hay is unusually comfy. You figure if you lie on your back, you’ll fall asleep though so you make a little pillow of hay and shift so you’re on your side and watch the door.

You shut your eyes again.

Your eyes shoot open though when you think you hear some footsteps along the gravel path outside, but it could have been the wind.

Suddenly you hear a pile of hay shift from behind you and you jump out of your skin.

“What the fuck—”

Your mouth is clasped shut by a hand covering your own and a figure comes shuffling against your back. The person’s other hand wraps around your waist and presses you further into them.

Your hearts already beating wildly in your chest because you know exactly who it is. Only she can make your skin burn and your blood course through your veins like this.

The small breast once again against your back just confirms it.

“Shh,” Jeongyeon coos into your ear and her breath glides down your neck.

Her whole body is flush against yours and you suddenly can’t really feel your legs and your mouth is on fire with her soft hand covering it firmly.

“You’ll give away our hiding place” she whispers then giggles a little in your ear.

You have goosebumps all down one side of your body.

You wonder where the fuck she came from or what makes her think she can do this to you yet again but you suddenly realize that she’s right because Jackson comes walking in. You knew you heard someone outside.

Your hearts beating so loud you swear you can feel it reverberate against Jeongyeon’s warm body behind you.

You’re conflicted.

The scariest thought right now is that Jackson will catch you, not because you don’t want to lose the game, but because you suddenly realize you really like Jeongyeon being this close to you.

You actually really like how your lips feel mashed up against her palm.

There’s a familiar tingle between your legs when her warm breath hits the back of your neck and you think you’re going to pass out. You let out a whimper against her palm, and you swear you hear and feel the most miniscule of laughs from behind you.

You hear Jackson walking downstairs, you can tell he’s trying to sneak but you know he’s too clumsy to sneak.

You hear thudding and for a moment you genuinely think it’s your heart, but then you realize it’s Jackson coming up the ladders. You try to remain rigid and still and you see him out the corner of your eye. He seems to have stopped at the top of the ladder and is now scanning around.

About a minute passes in utter silence but you feel like it’s been hours.

Your body stiffens and then shudders when you feel the tip of Jeongyeon’s nose graze along your earlobe.

As if sensing your reaction Jeongyeon presses her hand more harshly against your mouth and your eyes roll to the back of your head.

Fuck. You need to admit it. You don’t know what it means but you need to admit it. She turns you on so easily in a way that Jackson never has, or you feel ever could.

The feeling will pass though, right?

Jackson seems convinced nobody is here and climbs down the ladder again. You see him walk out the barn and hear his footsteps move further away. You feel your body relax into Jeongyeon’s and you feel so bad for wanting to stay like this.

Then reality hits you.

You’re getting married to Jackson and she’s a woman, your counselor of all people. None of this is right.

You wrap your hand around her wrist and force her hand away once you’re certain Jackson’s no longer in earshot.

You gasp for breath as you crawl on all fours and shuffle the hell away from her. You turn around still panting.

Jeongyeon’s sitting smiling serenely at you, and you wonder how the hell she can be so calm about everything.

“Y-y-y-ou’re being unprofessional,” you stutter out suddenly.

Her light-brown eyebrows shoot up and she looks confused.

“You keep saying things to me and looking at me and touching me and I can’t take it OK? I think you’re overstepping boundaries and besides I’m not… I’m not…”

You suddenly can’t finish a sentence.

“Nayeon? What’s wrong?” Jeongyeon has a concerned burrowed frown on her face and she shifts closer to you and she’s reaching out a hand to place on your knee.

That’s the last fucking thing you need right now.

You do the first thing that comes instinctively and swat her arm away harshly.

“J-just don’t touch me!”

She stares at you in shock and you’re kind of in shock as well because you practically pushed her with the weight of your resistance.

“Did you just hit me?” Jeongyeon asks and her voice is small and uncertain, but she looks pissed off.

“I didn’t mean to I—”

You’re cut off when her boot kicks your shoe with a harsh thud.

Your mouth drops open. She just kicked you.

“Did you just fucking kick me?” you frown, feeling your temperature rise for a completely different reason.

“Yeah well,” she shrugs, “you hit me first.”

Before you can process anything, your body seems to work in autopilot and you scoot forward and slap the side of her arm.

She opens her mouth in shock and she kicks your other shoe.

“Are you fucking kidding?” You spit in rage. “This is ridiculous, I could have your fucking license you unprofessional fool. I’ll sue your ass or something.”

Jeongyeon then laughs. Actually, laughs at you. She places a hand over her heart and throws her head back and laughs some more. “Oh yeah? What would the basis of that be?”

“You, you’re unprofessional, you touch me and… and… look at me”

You suddenly can’t put into words what exactly she’s done that’s been unprofessional, and then panic seeps in as you think maybe this has all been in your head. You didn’t make all this up, right?

“OK, so you’re suing me for touching you, talking to you and looking at you” she repeats and you suddenly realize how stupid you sound. “Yeah, good luck with that” she adds dryly and to add insult to injury she reaches forward and pats you on the shoulder mockingly.

You suddenly see red and without thinking about anything you lunge at her.

Your body has gone full force into hers that she flies backwards and her back hits the floor of hay. You grab her by the straps of her overalls and try flinging her to the side but she grabs you and takes you with her.

You’re both suddenly rolling about on top of one another and hitting each other randomly in the hay. You feel hay cling all over you as colors and limbs are whizzing by your vision and you finally manage to trip her and catch her. It’s not until you stop to catch your breath that you realize you’re sitting on top of Jeongyeon and have her wrists pinned down with both your hands.

You suddenly lose your breath again when you look down and Jeongyeon’s darker than usual and hooded brown eyes are looking wantonly back up at you. You gulp and look down and her chest is rising and falling really fast and you feel your own do the same.

“What are we doing?” you gasp, completely confused and out of breath.

Her eyes fall from your eyes and roam somewhere below your neck, “I have no idea” she says and her voice sounds strangled and husky.

You realize you’re perched on top of her thighs and the tingly sensation is back. You swear you feel friction between your clothed sex and her hips even though you’re both not moving, just breathing heavily at one another. You look down at her and, unbelievably a smile twitches your lips.

Forgetting the confusion and everything else, you kind of feel like laughing at how stupid you both are.

She seems to sense your shift in mood and also smirks up at you, her eyes lightening, “Well,” she says as she puffs a stray bit of hay and hair away from her face, “that escalated quickly.”

You let go of her wrist and collapse down on top of her and you both suddenly burst out laughing. She’s genuinely laughing like she can’t stop and so are you, you clutch at your stomach and roll off her onto your back beside her. Your stomach is beginning to ache from laughing so much.

Jeongyeon’s laughter is the first to die down and yours eventually follows. You both lay there in silence, broken only by Jeongyeon’s occasional giggles.

You both lie there for longer and you’re oddly comfortable out here, sitting in the silence. Normally you hate silence but it feels OK around her.

You clear your throat eventually; “Well” you sigh as you try pick all the pieces of hay that’s trapped in your hair “I haven’t been in a fight since high school” you smile at the ceiling.

Jeongyeon giggles and your stomach is back to fluttering.

“I haven’t been in a fight… ever,” she says.

“Ever?” you ask surprised.

“Ever,” she repeats and you can hear the smile in her voice. “You broke my fight virginity.”

You feel your cheeks burn and laugh a little.

You love the way she makes you feel.

“Can I make something clear Nayeon?” she asks and there’s a little uncertainty in her voice.

You gulp then nod but realize she can’t see you, “yes,” you croak out dreading what’s coming even though you have no idea but your stomach is flipping around inside your body anyway.

“I’m your counselor inside room 47, outside that room? I’m just your friend.”

“Y-you want to be my friend?” you ask taken aback. You weren’t expecting that. You don’t have many friends, and you don’t think you’ve ever actually been asked or assumed to be a friend.

“Yes,” Jeongyeon says quietly. “But we have a lot to talk about.”

You smirk thinking that’s an understatement. “Inside room 47 or outside?”

She’s silent for a moment before she answers “Both, but I think it’s important we concentrate on your counseling, so you should remember to do your homework for Tuesday, we have a lot to work through.”

You gulp not knowing whether you are looking forward to it or dreading it.

You know one thing though — you have a new friend.

And you love how that friend makes you feel.


	5. You're like a Lizard

You hate Mondays. No amount of coffee or positive thinking changes how you feel on Mondays. You hate your job, but especially on Mondays. Only half the day has crawled by but to you it feels like it’s already the end of the day. You fucking wish. All morning you’ve been randomly smiling to yourself thinking about the weekend though. It was fun, it was hard being around Jeongyeon because frankly you don’t know how you feel about her, or you do you just don’t want to vocalize or think about it, like ever. You’re in Starbucks with Jihyo at lunchtime as per usual. You look across to her and wonder why you’re constantly comparing your relationship with Jeongyeon to your one with Jackson. Why not Jihyo? Comparing Jeongyeon to Jihyo would be far more appropriate, since they’re now both your friends.

Jeongyeon doesn’t feel like just a friend though.

You’re also pretty sure that you’ve never wanted to touch Jihyo, or talk to her for hours on end about herself or maybe even kiss her.

You sigh miserably; you don’t even see Jeongyeon today to cheer you up. Well technically she would scare the crap out of you, make you laugh, make you want to cry then after it you’d still feel a little happier. Whatever.

“What is wrong with you, you’re so grumpy… I mean… more than usual,” Jihyo says to you with a shrug and folds up her newspaper.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” Jihyo asks seriously.

“No,” you snort.

“Oh, that’s right, you and Jackson don’t have much sex these days, do you?” Jihyo says sassily and drinks her tea nonchalantly.

“What the actual fuck Park” you frown at her, “that’s none of your god damn business, I’m just tired and feeling down lately, remember?”

“Daww,” Jihyo coos mockingly. “So, what’s up?”

That’s the thing about Jihyo, you feel like pouring your soul out to her then slapping her. Sometimes you do both.

“Was Jeongyeon ever,” you pause and ponder how to put it, “inappropriate with you?”

Jihyo laughs softly. “Depends on what you mean,” she says and leans forward, clasping both hands in front of her on the table. “Her methods for making me forget about Daniel’s death were… strange… but they worked so I was thankful.”

“What did she do?” you ask quickly. You can’t imagine Jeongyeon being the way she is with you with Jihyo too. You hate to admit it but you want to be the only one Jeongyeon looks at like the way she does, you want to be the only one she touches, it makes you feel special. Like you’ve been singled out to be worthy of such attention.

“I can’t tell you that,” Jihyo says lowering her voice. “Plus, you’d just laugh so” she says and looks away.

“Aw, c’mon tell me” you smirk and plead to her. “I promise I won’t laugh, well I can’t actually promise that but c’mon Jihyo please?”

You try pouting at her.

She rolls your eyes at your effort but clears her throat.

“One time she asked me to bring in some of Daniel’s old clothes, like a full outfit?”

You nod listening eagerly.

“Well,” Jihyo continues and laughs a little, “Little did I know that she wanted them because she dressed up as Daniel, even had a wig and everything.”

You clasp your hand to your mouth and laugh. “You’re fucking kidding me, right? Why on earth would she do that? I mean I know she’s crazy but—”

“She spoke to me as Daniel… well… kind of. Part of the reason I felt guilty over Daniel is that we argued before he left that day and I never got the chance to say sorry, I never even got the chance to say goodbye. So, she sat, as Daniel, and told me to say out loud everything I ever wanted to say to Daniel. As bizarre as it was, it was incredibly therapeutic, still to this day I’ve never felt such relief in all my life.”

You stare at Jihyo open-mouthed.

“So… it made you feel better?” you ask, not quite believing that the woman in front of you, who was all serious business, would fall for such a basic ploy.

“Oh yes,” she nods with certainty and goes back to drinking her tea. “So, what is it she’s doing that’s apparently inappropriate with you?”

You purse your lips and debate whether to tell her everything or not.

But if you can hardly admit to yourself how you feel about Jeongyeon, how could you possibly tell someone else?

“N-n-nothing, it’s just she seems a bit wacky so I wanted to be prepared, thankfully I don’t think she’ll dress up for me” you smile and try deflect from the topic.

“I can’t believe she bought the Wang Ranch, I mean she’s a top earner but there’s no way she has that amount of money to buy all that land, and as a second property too.” Jihyo narrows her eyes suspiciously.

“Can’t you like, I dunno, get some scoop on her?” you ask, trying not to appear desperate.

You need to know everything about Jeongyeon.

“I’m a lawyer Nayeon, not a private investigator.” Jihyo looks at you and rolls her eyes at your ignorance.

“Yeah but you can hire one as a lawyer, right?” you ask eagerly.

She gives a short laugh. “Why on earth would I want to do that? Jeongyeon’s sweet, I’m not really interested in her to go snooping about her business, I was merely curious as to how she acquired the money for that place, because it’s clearly not from her salary.”

“Yeah,” you sigh and feel the blood run down the walls of your body awkwardly. You just realized what you asked and now you feel like a fucking freak. You’re obsessing over a woman you barely know, and the first act of your friendship is to invade her privacy?

You feel like you’re going insane.

“Sorry I shouldn’t have asked, she just intrigues me, that’s all” you mumble and stand up to go order a muffin.

You panic a little internally when you feel Jihyo’s suspicious eyes on your back as you do so.

The following day it’s lunchtime again and that means one thing. Jeongyeon. Before leaving your workplace, you headed into the toilets and adjusted your shirt, and reapplied your makeup. You even put on new earrings and brushed your hair. You walk across the street having absolutely no idea why you care what you look like in front of Jeongyeon.

As the elevator doors part and you walk down the corridor you start to feel nervous all over again. You wish you’d just be able to come here and feel indifferent about it.

But you’re always nervous.

“Hey there,” Chaeyoung smiles at you from behind the desk.

She’s actually wearing a nice grey suit today and you feel the need to tell her, which is strange because you’re not one for complimenting people.

“Sharp suit” you smirk at him.

“Why thank you,” she says and smiles at you, “it was pretty expensive, but just don’t tell the girlriend” she says holding up a hand as if to conceal her words.

You laugh because he just makes you forget things, even if just for a second.

“Jeongyeon’s in room 47, just go ahead” she says and begins to type down on her keyboard.

“OK,” you exhale and try calming your nerves.

You walk along and open the door to room 47. You smile as you close the door behind you, Jeongyeon’s sitting in her usual chair and smiling back at you. Today she’s wearing jeans, a white shirt with a teal colored cardigan on, you’re not sure but from here you think it has a small picture of a squirrel at the side.

She just gestures for you to sit down opposite her.

For some reason you can’t wipe the grin from your face, you’re just so happy to see her again. You hope you aren’t weird after your little fight in the barn at the weekend. You sit down and cross your legs, smoothing out the creases on your skirt.

Jeongyeon twists to the side a little and lifts her legs up over the armrest. “So,” she sighs and she’s leaning back looking at the ceiling. “How are you Nayeon?”

“Fine, I think” you say and you’re still smiling at her even though she isn’t watching you at all. “Aren’t I supposed to be the one lying down?” you laugh a little.

“You can join me if you want.”

You swallow.

“On your couch of course” the blonde adds, a smirk plying the side of her lips.

Fuck it. You might take her up on that. You lean over and slip off your shoes then carefully lie on your back and rest your head against the armrest.

“Comfy?” Jeongyeon’s voice floats to you.

“Very… actually” you admit.

“I meant to ask last time Nayeon, forgive me for not but are you on any medication? Specifically, antidepressants?”

You shift a little and put your hands on your stomach. “Uh… no”

“You should really be on medication.”

“I-I don’t want to,” you say and focus your attention on the white grainy texture of the room ceiling. “I mean, I don’t want to walk around doped up like a crazy person.”

Jeongyeon’s giggle bounces around the room and your stomach flutters no matter how much you were prepared for it and how hard you pressed your hands down onto your stomach.

“You’re not crazy Nayeon, antidepressants are mood stabilizers, you’re not going to walk around high as a kite, it just helps with your lows. Your lows won’t be so low and it will help with your sleep pattern.”

“I dunno,” you mumble uncertainly. This sofa is so damn comfy.

You hear movement and Jeongyeon walking, you move to sit up but a hand has pressed down over yours and is forcing you to lie back down.

“Scoot over” Jeongyeon smiles.

Your heart is pounding and your body shifts almost as soon as she asks. Jeongyeon sits down at your way side and you can feel the heat from her body, and you can smell her perfume. You look up at her and feel your cheeks grow warm; she looks a little tanner from the weekend and those damn brown eyes are smiling down at you. She is so beautiful.

“Nayeon, I strongly advise you see your doctor and get proscribed antidepressants, OK? For me?” she asks and she’s pouting down at you.

Fucking adorable.

You smile the biggest smile and your cheeks are burning, your eyes shift away unable to contain yourself. “Fine,” you say rolling your eyes.

You wonder how many things you would do for her if she asked you to.

“So,” Jeongyeon sighs and clasps her hands together in front of her and looks down at you. You wonder how she manages to maintain such strong eye contact, you bat your eyelashes and look away, she’s too close and too much for you to handle. “Last week I asked you to think about what you’re unhappy with in your life and what you can do to change your situation or your mood, have you given it much thought?”

You clear your throat a little, “Uh yeah but I’m still not sure.”

“What are you not sure about?” Jeongyeon asks the tone of her voice always seems laced with genuine interest and curiosity. You wonder if she’s like this with all her clients.

“Well I thought about it and one of the things that’s bothering me right now is my work so, I mean, there’s nothing I can do about that though, right?” you shrug.

“Isn’t there?” she asks.

“Is there?” you counter and turn your head to look up at her.

Her mouth skews to the side as she looks up in thought. “You could always look for another job and quit the one you’re in.” she shrugs.

You give a hollow laugh, “Yeah sure, in my dreams maybe.” you scoff.

“Why only in your dreams and not your reality?” she asks sagely.

You open your mouth but she’s looking down at you seriously, like she literally cannot grasp the concept of you sticking with a job you hate, and the more you’re now thinking about it, you’re beginning to wonder yourself.

“I… I don’t know… I mean it’s all I’ve ever done, it’s what I have qualification for, I mean, I couldn’t find another job that pays the same” you explain and the thought of leaving your job kind of scares you.

“Is your financial status more important than your happiness?” Jeongyeon asks simply.

Well shit.

“Well no but—”

“Then the answer is easy, huh?” she smiles down at you.

You feel kind of pissed. “No, it’s not easy though,” you argue, “I can’t just up and leave a job I’ve been doing for years!”

“Why not?”

“Because!” you say back, actually finding no argument to make whatsoever.

Jeongyeon giggles and you clench your stomach again. She briefly looks down as if she somehow noticed the movement and her eyes travel up your body back to your face.

“It’s OK Nayeon I think I understand,” she sighs.

“You do?” you ask surprised.

“You’re scared of change.”

You scoff again and roll your eyes. “Puh-lease, that’s such a cliché, therapist thing to say, that’s not an actual fucking reason for anything.”

“Is that so?” she smirks down at you and she actually seems amused at your resilience. It makes you slightly ticked off again, the same way she laughed at you in the barn, yet it also makes you like her even more. “You are scared of change though, can I ask you something?”

You nod.

“How long have you and Jackson been together?”

You blink at her completely thrown by her question. “Uh… since high school, on/off at first but eventually we settled down” you say defensively. You have no idea why but you suddenly feel defensive and uncomfortable.

Her smirk turns into a smile, “Do you wanna know what I think? I think you are scared of change. I think you’ve spent the beginning of your adult life trying to please your parents, sticking with the same guy because you feel the safety and familiarity with him, he’s your rock and has been there through every crappy thing that may have ever happened to you since. It’s the same with your career, you found something you were good at and decided to stick with it because it was familiar, you went to college studying that which is familiar, living with what is familiar, listening and feeling whatever that was familiar. You studied something you’re good at but have zero passion for because the outcome is a known entity — a secure job, you ignore what you’re passionate about because the outcome is an unknown entity and you don’t like that uncertainty. You’re rushing into a marriage you aren’t prepared for but to you it feels like the right thing to do because you know the outcome, it’s a known entity — a safe, secure and familiar relationship, but I wonder if, like your job, you’re settling for what is practical above what or whom you are passionate about. The truth is Nayeon you are rigid in life because you’re scared to divert from this very narrow path you’re on, but you’re determined to stay on it even if it makes you miserable, partly because you’re so damn stubborn but also because you’re scared and unsure about many things. You wanna know what I think? I don’t think you’ve ever let loose in your entire life, and if you continue on this non-existent way of living your life then you’re never going to reach your full potential or be truly happy.”

You feel like she’s just got a giant icy hammer and battered all of your insides. You feel a chill down your spine and you kind of feel like crying or throwing up. One of the two. You feel the blood drain from your face and you’re stunned into silence.

“Y-y-y-you… you have no idea what you’re talking about” you argue feebly and you’ve scrambled to sit up and press away from her as much as possible. She’s kind of blocking your exit to run away though.

“Oh, but I do,” she smiles a little and tilts her head. “It’s just my opinion but I suspect it has truths in it. But I want to tell you something that I don’t think you know.”

“W-what’s that?” you swallow thickly.

“I bet you feel like you have no control or say in your life at all, don’t you?” she asks knowingly.

Fuck.

You nod your head a little.

“I need you to know that you do,” she says simply and she’s looking right at you to reinforce to you that what she’s saying is an absolute truth. “I often see people who are miserable because they are waiting on something or someone to change their circumstances, like some giant external cause of happiness is going to come along one day and fix things. The truth is that rarely happens, if ever. You are in control of your own life and happiness, your own destiny. You can go out and get a new job, you can take up a hobby, you can go talk to new people, do something new for a change — even though the thought of all this scares you, you can still easily do it and all these things add up to changes, changes for the better. You have so much control over your own life, isn’t that empowering to know?”

You let out a shaky breath and your heart feels a little lighter.

“Your life has been confined to this narrow, bleak state, and if you are happy with your life then good for you but I know you’re not and I need you to know that you, and you alone, are in control of your life and how it pans out. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy situation, you can remove yourself from situations, the outcome is an unknown entity but please don’t let that put you off from making decisions in your life. Chances are the decisions you make will not make you any unhappier than you already are; the only way is up from here Nayeon. You have so much control, humans are so powerful and we seldom realize it. Remember that.”

Your heart is pounding as you stare at her. The last statement rings so true because you don’t think she realizes the power she has over you. You breathe out and smile a little though.

You suddenly feel like anything’s possible.

“I know you can do these things and divert from your path and negative thinking because you did it the day you came and seen me for the first time. You can do it Nayeon, you can do anything you want in this life” she smiles at you and her eyes are shining.

You laugh a little and breathe out again, “Wow.”

You can’t think of anything else to say.

“So,” Jeongyeon says with a more upbeat tone, “You’re going to talk to Chaeyoung on the way out and she’s going to give you the address of a jazz bar she visits often and you’re going to go one night, hopefully she’ll be there and you’re going to enjoy something you have passion for, OK?”

“OK,” you nod grinning.

Wow, you actually feel quite high right now. Maybe there are things you can do differently. In the back of your mind you know this feeling will fade in a few hours but right now you’re grinning at this beautiful woman and she’s made you feel indestructible. The best part is she didn’t even tell you anything new, just pointed out what should be obvious. You wonder why you don’t think the way she thinks.

“And remember, medication, OK?” she says pointing at you.

You nod again and it’s all you can do.

She gets up from the sofa and stretches a little, “Oh,” she breathes and kneels down on the floor.

It’s only when you sit up you realize what she’s doing.

She has your shoe and is holding it out for you. You stare at her and feel your heart thumping low in your chest. You give a shaky laugh and shake your head at her.

She looks up at you and smirks. You just stare dumbly into her eyes and count the freckles on her face and you notice how her blonde hair seems to get even blonder at the ends. Your stomach flips and you’re back to grinning like an idiot. You slip your foot in each shoe she holds out then you both stand up.

She’s such a gentleman. Or woman. Whatever.

You’re both very close and she looks down at your lips and you can’t help but look at hers. You give a nervous laugh and tuck your hair behind your ears and look away.

“Uh,” Jeongyeon breathes and you feel her breath at your side.

Your whole body stiffens as you suddenly find it hard to swallow.

Why is she so damn close?

Jeongyeon leans in with a smirk on her face, “Can I come out of work mode now?” she asks looking around as if some non-existent work superior would catch her.

A giggle escapes your lips and your heart flutters like it’s sprouted wings.

You nod, thinking she can’t get any cuter.

“I really enjoyed our time at the weekend,” she says and you swear you see her cheeks tinge red. She looks down at the small space between you and starts to twirl a little before looking back up, “I really liked our fight, I had fun,” she says a little coyly.

You laugh again and think maybe she can get cuter. She’s talking like you both went out to see a movie and had a great time doing something normal.

“I never knew physical assault could be so fun,” you jibe and smirk at her.

“Most physical things are fun,” she says quietly and gives a small shrug.

You suck in a breath and chew your lip. Again, the feeling of wanting to run away creeps up your spine but the sheer joy and pleasure of being so close to her and talking to her is making you stay. You think she’s flirting with you again. You’re not going to bother pointing out how unprofessional it is because you think you’re actually OK with it. Well, at least you think you could get used to it.

“I bet,” escapes your lips as you smirk.

Your eyes go wide with shock as does hers a little. You can’t fucking believe you just said that.

Are you flirting back?

With a woman?

Jeongyeon giggles and sighs like she doesn’t want to change the direction of the conversation but somehow knows she has to. “Remind me to rent a car or something next time, I want to take Lucy with me, she’d love running around the fields up there.”

You just smile at her and think how her simply talking manages to affect your insides so much. “No, don’t rent, we’ll give you a ride up, the dog can sit out the back of a pickup truck, right?” you smirk.

You could barely survive one weekend but you’re already looking forward to potentially another.

Jeongyeon pouts at you and her eyes flicker back down to your lips briefly before meeting back up with your eyes. “I couldn’t do that to poor Lucy, but thanks for the offer anyway” she smiles.

You always know what she says is genuine.

You wonder if she’s even capable of being false.

“Oh,” Jeongyeon suddenly says like she remembered something and she’s walking away toward her desk.

You sigh already missing her closeness, you head for and wait by the door. You really hate saying goodbye to her.

“I… yesterday… I made you one, just like you asked” Jeongyeon says and walks to you with a plastic bag in hand.

You frown and wonder what the hell she’s talking about.

She then looks shy as she takes out a cream woolen sweater and she holds it up to her chest and swings from side to side as if she’s displaying it for you.

You literally laugh and place a hand on your heart. “Jeong,” you sigh looking down at the sweater that looks as snugly as the one she had on except this one didn’t have a duck but a green lizard sticking its red tongue out.

She’s so cute you literally can’t stand it.

“D-did you just call me Jeong?” she breathes and looks at you like you just said the most fascinating thing in the world.

“Oh… uh… I guess I did” you mumble embarrassed. You have no idea why you called her that.

Jeongyeon giggles and smiles at you, her cat like eyes going further up at the sides into genuine creases of happiness.

She still sort of takes your breath away.

“No, it’s OK, I like it” she says quietly and chews her lip like she’s stopping herself from saying any more.

You so want her to say whatever she wants to in front of you.

“You… you don’t really like it, do you? I mean, you’re not going to wear it or anything,” Jeongyeon mumbles looking dejected and scrunches up her nose.

You don’t even want to see that impending look of disappointment in her eyes. You never want to see it. It hits you like a ton weight and you no longer feel like anything’s possible. You just want her to always be smiling.

“N-no!” you say quickly, grabbing the jumper out of her hands. You eagerly throw it over your head and shimmy it down your front and put your arms through the sleeves. “Look, I’ll wear it, I love it” you say quickly, slightly out of breath. You’re pretty sure it doesn’t go with what you’re wearing, or anything you own, but you’ll wear it for her. Besides, it’s snug as hell.

Jeongyeon’s face however is pretty blank and she’s just looking at you.

“W-what?” you ask, slightly panicked, “did I rip it?” you look down and inspect it.

Jeongyeon giggles more softly this time and you look up to see she’s smiling again. “No,” she says and pauses, “It’s just… you look lovely” she says quietly.

Fuck. Your hearts back to beating you can practically feel it in your damn throat.

“Thanks” you mumble and stare at the ground.

“I don’t really like slimy animals or any animal that is green but I think your lizard is cute too.”

“You made it” you smirk back.

“You’re like a lizard too Nayeon,” Jeongyeon adds like she’s just said the most normal sentence in the world.

You stare at her and await a fucking explanation whilst trying not to laugh.

She needs to stop being so Jeongyeon.

“The thing about lizards,” Jeongyeon says softly and takes a step closer to you “is that they are adaptable. They are found on every continent in the world except Antarctica, did you know that?”

You shake your head and just stare in wonder at this woman.

“You’re adaptable too Nayeon” she smiles.

You really need to get away from her now before you do something stupid. Like hug her, or something much worse…

“It was nice seeing you again Nayeon, I’ll see you on Thursday?”

You nod and turn around and open the door, Jeongyeon’s following behind you.

“Remember to speak to Chaeyoung and your doctor” she says and closes the door to room 47 on you.

You just stare at the door, “Will do” you mumble.

You walk to Chaeyoung’s desk feeling rather numb and overwhelmed yet again.

“I uh… was told to talk to you?” you ask feeling rather unfocused.

“Oh yes!” Chaeyoung says clapping her hands together. “This Saturday, I’m going to see my friend sing in this jazz club, it’s sort of a low-key thing but she’s up and wants to warm her vocal cords so you should come along, I’ll be there!” she says to you and hands you a small piece of paper.

You look down; on it is the address of a bar named ‘Hell in Heaven’.

“It’ll be fun” she adds and smiles at you encouragingly.

“I’ll think about…” you trail off and stop in your tracks. Fuck it. You’re not going to do what you normally do. “No, I’ll be there, definitely” you say nodding to Chaeyoung determinedly.

“Great!” she beams back.

You want to ask if Jeongyeon will be there but you decide that it isn’t important, you need to do this for you.

Jeongyeon’s right, anything is possible and you have so much control over what is. You’re going to do this. Things are going to change.

In the elevator on the way back down you look at yourself in the mirror. You look fucking stupid with this woolen sweater on over your work clothes. You don’t give a shit though, it’s comfortable as hell and it smells like Jeongyeon.

You’ll wear it all damn day and maybe again when it’s cold.

You laugh out loud to yourself on the way down, “like a lizard” you snort.

You love how she makes you feel and you love that she can say the oddest of things and make them seem like the sweetest of things. “This woman is driving me crazy.”

Well, if this was you going crazy then you don’t think you even want to be sane any more.


	6. Wonderwall

You’ve practically been wearing this damn sweater ever since she gave it you, but so what? It’s cold outside. This is Seoul. You’ve been wearing it to work too and you’ve been getting weird stares, you’ll gladly take those over the pervy ones anyway.

“What are you thinking about?” a calm voice calls to you, reeling you out of your thoughts.

You look across to deep brown eyes and smile, “Nothing,” you mumble.

You’re in room 47 and Jeongyeon’s been doing a lot of talking today. She’s actually reinforced your positivity and you wonder how the hell she does it. You felt down again yesterday after coming down from the high, indestructible feeling she gave you on Tuesday but now you’re back and you can feel it simmering back up again.

“Glad to see you’re wearing my sweater, I think you look cute in it” Jeongyeon says quietly then looks away like she shouldn’t have said that at all.

“Thanks,” you breathe quietly and feeling a little braver you add, “I thought you looked cuter in yours.”

Brown eyes meet yours again and you see a flattered smile spread across her beautiful face. She makes your heart and stomach spin in ways nobody else does.

“I want to talk about your relationship with Jackson today also” she says, almost as if she’s forcing herself back into being professional.

Your smile fades as you shift in your seat uncomfortably. “I… there’s not much to talk about” you try shrugging casually.

“How often do you two have sex?” she asks boldly.

“I… that’s… that’s none of your business” you frown and fold your arms in front of yourself.

What the actual fuck?

Jeongyeon laughs softly but see’s you’re genuinely offended and her smile fades. She leans forward a little and speaks more frankly to you. “Look Nayeon, there’s nothing you can say that I haven’t heard by other people before, I specialize in sex and relationship counseling, and frankly I think your relationship needs to be addressed—”

“Why?” you ask annoyed. “There’s nothing wrong with my relationship.”

“Then you won’t mind talking about it” she shrugs simply and leans back.

You kind of hate her, except not really.

You sulk and roll your eyes before shrugging at her, “Whatever, I think it’s been about 3 months, we’re going through a dry spell I guess, but it’s no big deal, it’s my fault, my mood and lack of sleep doesn’t quite get me going, if you know what I mean?”

“What does get you going?” Jeongyeon asks back and her voice sounds softer and her eyes look more eager.

You swallow thickly, unsure about what she’s even asking, “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Does he make you wet?” she asks and bites her lower lip.

Your mouth drops open a little and you stare at her.

“I… uh… yeah of course, he’s my fiancé.”

“But how and when does he make you wet? Does the thought of him make you wet? Does he arouse you? Do you look at him and find yourself aching so badly for him that you feel the need to jump on him and make love to him?”

There’s a slight tone of desperation to her voice and it’s making you feel hot.

“Well… n-n-no… I mean… we aren’t 16 anymore” you stutter and fiddle with your hands.

Your heart’s beating and you practically squirm every time she says wet. You think it’s actually making you wet because you can feel your lower stomach pool with heat and your face is flushing and you want to fucking run away out of this room right now.

“Then I don’t understand how he makes you wet” Jeongyeon says and scratches her chin like she’s genuinely confused “When exactly do you get wet in the process of love making?”

Fuck.

“I… well… when he touches me duh.”

“Touches you where?” Jeongyeon asks quickly.

“I don’t know,” you shrug beginning to feel uncomfortable, “when he rubs me… down there… I guess? Isn’t that normal?”

“Jackson has to stimulate your clitoris in order for you to get wet?” she asks, completely unashamedly.

“I-it’s not like that, it’s just… I don’t know…”

She’s making this into a way bigger deal than it is.

“Interesting,” she says and hums in thought, she looks away over to the wall and taps her chin in thought. “So, the thought of Jackson, or the thought of having sex with Jackson doesn’t necessarily turn you on, but more the act itself?”

Wow.

You kind of realize she’s right, “I guess,” you shrug, “But people lose their sex drive when they’re in long term relationships, right? I mean it happens all the time, it’s not like Jackson disgusts me, I have no idea what point you’re trying to make” you say defensively.

She tilts her head and looks at you like you have no idea what you’re talking about. You probably don’t.

“And you’ve never been sexually active with any other men?”

You don’t like the emphasis she put on the word men. Not one bit.

“No, I had a one-night stand with a guy in college but I don’t count that since I was drunk as hell so yeah Jackson’s my only one. I mean we fell in love in high school, I was just lucky to meet the one early in life” you say warily.

You feel so uncomfortable, you don’t know why. You’re thinking about things that you’ve never actively thought about before, and you don’t see the point.

“I guess my point is,” Jeongyeon sighs and crosses her legs. “That it’s sad you’re in a relationship where the mere thought of your other half doesn’t excite you.”

“That’s not what I said!” you argue.

“More or less,” Jeongyeon shrugs nonchalantly. “You’re young and getting married, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period of the relationship, right? Jackson makes you wet by touching you, but the truth is the clitoris is one of the most sensitive pieces of flesh on a woman’s body, stimulating it is bound to make anyone wet. It’s interesting, have you never been so turned on by someone that they move you in a way? The mere thought of them makes you wet?”

Her voice is low and there’s a slight tremble at the end.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

You heart pounds and your eyes widen because you briefly think back to your weekend at the Wang’s Ranch and Jeongyeon made you feel that way twice.

“N-n-no, never” you lie anyway.

Fuck. What’s happening?

“Mhmm, curious” Jeongyeon narrows her eyes like she doesn’t believe you. Fuck her. You can’t deal with this. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that you need to differentiate between being turned on and someone simply switching you on.”

“I’m not a fucking vacuum” you scoff and roll your eyes.

She giggles and you can’t help but smile a little and laugh along with her.

“Have you ever had an orgasm before?” she asks, clasping her hands together and looking at you with great interest.

You look up in thought, hasn’t everyone who’s had sex had one? “Of course,” you say after a while.

“Never faked it?” Jeongyeon asks and she’s smirking at you.

Fuck all of this; she’s just making fun of you now.

“I… well… sometimes Jackson finishes early and I haven’t quite… you know… arrived there… fuck this” you scoff and roll your eyes at her. You shake your head and she just giggles and your stomach flutters.

You’re mad at her. You hold up a hand to silence her.

“Look honestly? OK maybe not all the time,” you say frankly “but I have in the past and yeah OK so nowadays it feels more like a chore but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m marrying him and it doesn’t change the fact that I love him, OK?” you snap.

Her face looks crestfallen and you both sit in silence.

Fuck this is awkward.

“I have no doubt you love Jackson” Jeongyeon says quietly. “But are you in love with him? Because if you were in love with him then I can’t help but feel all of the mental, emotional and physical elements to your relationship would come a lot easier.”

You snort. Come a lot easier?

“Pun not intended,” she adds smiling.

“Is there a difference?”

“Being in love and loving someone? Yes, absolutely” she says and nods for emphasis. “Please be honest with yourself Nayeon, nothing you say in here leaves this room, nobody should have to lie to me in this room, especially you.”

Your heart starts banging against your ribcage and you feel giddy and nervous at the same time.

Especially you.

What did that even mean? Were you different from her other patients? Were you special to her? You hope so. You really do.

You shake your head to rid it of such ridiculous thoughts, “I do love Jackson, he’s funny, he’s always been there for me, and he’s just awesome and—”

“Stop deflecting Nayeon,” Jeongyeon interjects, “are you in love with him?”

You swallow and feel the pressure compress against your brain. You’re trying to find an answer but you don’t know what it is.

“I think I was… once….” You mumble in thought, almost unaware you said it out loud. “I think so but… I’m not sure… I do love him though” you add just to make it clear.

Jeongyeon looks down at the watch on her wrist and stretches out her arm. “Well, we’ve been chatting for almost two hours.”

Shit. Time sure does fly.

“It’s OK, I told my boss I had a headache and was going home at lunch, I do kind of have a headache anyway, so it wasn’t necessarily a lie” you smirk.

“I would have offered a head massage but that would be inappropriate touching and I know how sensitive you are” she smirks back at you.

She’s fucking making fun of you. You grin back like you love it anyway.

You kind of do.

“Well I think next week we should work though the specifics of your sex life and ways to improve it, but first I think it’s important your sleep is back to normal, did you speak to your doctor?”

“I have an appointment next week,” you inform her.

She wants to talk about specifics of sex? You thought you just fucking did.

“OK good, so once you’re on medication, in about 3 to 4 weeks your sleep will improve and hopefully your mood too” she smiles at you. “Well I think we should leave it at that for today, I’ve been yapping enough.”

Ugh. She’s so cute.

Once you’re both at the threshold of room 47 you smile at her and you don’t want to say goodbye, but you know you’re being fucking stupid. You need to ask her what’s been bugging you since Tuesday.

“Saturday… Chaeyoung… invited me to ‘Hell in Heaven’ to see her friend sing or something, are… are you coming?” you ask hopefully.

Wow. You didn’t even bother to hide your desperation; she must think you’re pathetic.

Jeongyeon laughs a little and looks down at the floor, her fingertips tapping the door handle.

“I might come in, I don’t know, unless you don’t want me to be there?” she asks and you can tell she’s putting your needs first before her own. You know she wants to come but she’s allowing you the choice because this is something for you.

“I would love you to be there,” you breathe out like it’s the most obvious thing.

“Oh, OK” Jeongyeon nods and she looks a little more comfortable with your answer, “I guess I’ll try and see Sana’s performance.”

“S-Sana?” you ask.

You’re curious. You want to know everything about her, you’re envious of people who get to spend time with her and you don’t even know them.

“A friend of mine and Chaeyoung’s” she smiles politely but doesn’t elaborate.

You guess you haven’t earned the right to know about such things yet. You hope one day you’ll be the friend that other people are jealous of.

“Bye Nayeon,” she says and she shuts the door on you.

You laugh a little and wonder why such a nice person like her has a habit of shutting the door on people’s faces. Or maybe just yours.

You give a small, feeble wave at the door anyway.

“Bye Jeong.”

On Saturday night you consider lying to Jackson about where you’re going because you feel guilty for some reason. Then you realize you’re being dumb and you have nothing to feel guilty over. Technically.

“So, you’re going to see this stranger woman singing?” Jackson asks confused.

“Yeah, I mean Jeongyeon thinks it will be good for me and well I think she’ll be there so don’t worry about me” you smile at him as you head into the hall and open your apartment door.

You check yourself once over in the mirror. You’ve opted for grey slacks, shiny black-heeled pumps and a simple blank tank top. You look smart but not too casual. You figure this place will be classy but if not, then at least you’ve hit a middle ground. Maybe you should have opted for a dress.

“OK I guess, I’ll invite the boys over for video game night” Jackson shrugs and grins.

“Just don’t leave Dorito bags all over the damn apartment this time” you smirk at him.

He wraps his arms around your waist and goes to kiss you but you blink and look away.

“What’s wrong?”

“I uh…” you hesitate. You have no fucking idea why you just flinched. Jackson’s kissed you a billion times before. “I have lipstick on, don’t want you to ruin it with your mouth, OK?” you smirk at him nervously and hope he doesn’t think you’re acting weird.

Because you are.

“Fine,” he grins and rolls his eyes, “Have fun” he says and slaps you playfully on the ass on the way out.

You laugh and give him a small wave as you head down and out the building.

You’re relieved but nervous all over again; you really want Jeongyeon to be there yet you don’t. Whatever the case, on the cab on the way over you can’t stop thinking about her. That’s all you’ve been doing recently and it’s beginning to affect everything in your life.

You walk into ‘Hell in Heaven’ and it’s kind of awesome, it isn’t as fancy as you imagined but it’s cozy and low key.

Chaeyoung comes running up to you from the bar and she’s holding the hand of another woman who’s been dragged along behind her.

“Hey Nayeon, glad you made it!” she smiles at you.

You breathe a little easier and you’re actually glad you bit the bullet and came. Chaeyoung grabs your arm and drags you to the bar, the lights are dim in here but you see the strobes bouncing from the neon lights above the bar and it’s really pretty.

“Nayeon this is Mina” Chaeyoung says and motions at the man beside her.

“Hi,” you wave awkwardly at her.

She’s dressed so elegant, she’s wearing a white dress that shows her shoulders and it accentuates her curves so perfectly. Her long light-brown hair falls neatly and you run your eyes through her face to count all the moles she has. She’s wearing a light make up and she does look so opposite to Chaeyoung.

You bite your tongue though, she’s really beautiful. But not as one blonde you expect to see tonight.

“What do you want to drink?” Chaeyoung asks.

“Oh no, it’s fine I’ll pay—”

“No, no” Chaeyoung says smiling and holding up a hand. “You made it to came so I’m willing to pay for your drink as a gentlewoman I am.”

You laugh a little and find yourself relax more. “Sure thing, I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

“You heard the lady” Chaeyoung says to the barman.

“I’ll go save us a table at the front for the best view for Sana’s performance, OK?” Mina says and Chaeyoung nods at her.

She’s off to the other side of the bar, drink in hand and shimmying by tables. You turn around to Chaeyoung and you want to know more about her because she’s been so friendly to you when she doesn’t even know you.

“So, how long have you two been at it?” you smirk.

“Ah,” Chaeyoung taps her nose “that would be telling.”

“She’s beautiful, you’re lucky” you compliment her.

You can’t actually think she could be more gorgeous that she already is and she’s stunningly beautiful comparing to Chaeyoung. She’s beautiful too but not as her girlfriend.

“Thank you, uh… look Nayeon, can I be frank with you?” Chaeyoung asks and slides your drink toward you along the counter.

You nod at her and wonder what she wants to talk about. You take a sip and feel it burn the back of your throat. You really need this.

“I’m just going to cut straight to the chase, OK? You seem like a nice person, really, but I’ve been working with Jeong for years and frankly I’m worried.”

“Why?” you ask suddenly, frowning.

“She’s never… OK look, say what you want about Jeongyeon, she may have unconventional methods but she’s never ever been unprofessional with a client, in all my years of knowing her.”

You choke a little on your drink and stare at her.

“But the way she’s been with you for the last two weeks? Technically she shouldn’t be seeing you outside of her work, I don’t know why, and like I said you seem like a nice person but clearly she’s taken a shine to you, and I don’t want Jeongyeon to get hurt, do you understand?”

Damn. For someone so small and softly spoken she can get right to the point. She kind of reminds you of yourself.

“I would never hurt Jeongyeon,” you say firmly, completely thrown by all of this, “I wouldn’t know how.”

Chaeyoung eyes you then smiles a little. “I believe you, but I’m just saying, if you want to be her friend, maybe you should seek another counselor, or if you want her to be your counselor, you should make another friend.”

Well fuck. You feel sad, can’t you have both? You’re not hurting anyone.

“Can’t she be both? I mean, she now has connections to my family anyway, we would have met regardless.”

Chaeyoung sucks in a breath and cringes, “I don’t know, it’s very inappropriate, in my professional opinion.”

Fuck. Coming here was a bad idea.

“Well, hey there gorgeous” a low voice comes moving from behind you and is now in front of you.

“I… uh… hi” you stutter.

Fuck. Jeongyeon is standing in front of you and she’s wearing a shimmery silver dress that only comes to her thighs and you’re staring at her legs. Her hair is wavy and her cheeks are rosy. She looks beautiful.

Your lungs suddenly don’t work.

“Jeong, we’ve talked about this” Chaeyoung says in a scolding manner and points to Jeongyeon’s arms.

You try hard and tear your eyes away from all of her beauty and realize she’s wearing grey leg warmers. On her arms. You chuckle and feel your cheeks flush.

Of course.

“What?” Jeongyeon scrunches up her nose and looks confused.

You wish she’d stop being adorable. All of your feelings would be much easier to deal with if she weren’t the definition of adorable.

And sexy.

Damn, those legs. You must be staring because Jeongyeon giggles as you look up at her and she bats her lashes at you.

Fuck. This is going to be a long night.

“Look Chaeyoung,” she smiles to her “It’s not my fault arms are discriminated against, OK? I walked here, but my arms are cold, why should legs get all the clothing items to keep it warm?”

“Jeongyeon,” Chaeyoung sighs impatiently “arms don’t get discriminated against, we have something called sleeves, remember?”

“Semantics” Jeongyeon shrugs and looks away to finalize the debate.

She’s so fucking cute you need to hug her or kiss her. Kiss her. Fuck.

Instead you just take another drink.

Jeongyeon orders a scotch on the rocks too and you wonder if it’s sign you’re meant to be her friend forever.

You roll your eyes at yourself and order another drink before all of you make your way to the front. There’s a tall table off to the side with stools at them and it’s got a perfect view of the small stage. Jeongyeon was right when she said this was low key. You look at the band on stage all set up and ready.

Violins, cellos, and bass players… you feel at home here…

You could easily see yourself working here. It would be your dream job.

Except you’ve never really sung in front of people before. You’re pathetic really. This really is just a pipe dream and not something you’re capable of. Chaeyoung sits next to Mina and Jeongyeon drags her stool up to near yours.

“So,” you say and take another sip, eager to make conversation. You need to forget all about what Chaeyoung said. You love bring with Jeongyeon too much, who the fuck cares what’s professional? “Your friend Sana?” you ask. You’re not sure what it is exactly you’re asking, but you are.

“Uh… huh?” Jeongyeon inflects her voice for elaboration and smirks slowly at you.

There’s a slyness swirling in her brown eyes and you wonder if this Sana woman was ever more than a friend. You don’t really know Jeongyeon’s sexuality but judging by her openness and comments you’re going to guess she’s bisexual.

You have nothing against gay people, or bisexual people, you’ve just never met a lot of them… and you’re not one of them…

I mean, you would know right? You’re a fucking grown-up.

Fuck it, you don’t want to know, you don’t want to think about Jeongyeon in that way with anyone. She’s too special to be tainted. You hope she’s single and lives happily with her dog. You don’t want anyone touching her. Especially Teddy.

“What song is she singing?” you ask mundanely instead.

“Oh,” Jeongyeon mouths and smiles excitedly. “She’s actually doing a version of an indie rock song? It’s called Wonderwall by a British band called Oasis, you ever heard of it?”

“I think so” you nod.

“She’s got a gig someplace else though after this so we won’t be able to go backstage and say hi unfortunately” and she pouts a little, “but it’s OK, I’ll introduce you next time.”

Next time? Was this going to become a thing?

You hope so.

“She likes taking songs and rearranging them.”

You nod again and take another drink. You really want her to stop talking about this Sana woman. “You look beautiful,” you admit quietly.

Well fuck, that’s one way to change the subject.

“Oh,” Jeongyeon sighs and wraps her fingers around her glass and begins turning it on the table, “thanks, so do you… but you normally do so…” she trails off and shrugs.

You feel the blood reach your cheeks and you laugh a little and look away shyly.

You think she’s doing the same.

You’re relieved when the lights dim further and a Japanese woman with brunette hair is walking on stage and everybody is clapping. You clap along with them. She’s pretty, like really pretty, gorgeous actually and she’s donning a long black dress and she smiles at the audience and she’s tiny and cute.

God, maybe this was going to be a disaster. She really doesn’t look like someone who should be on-stage.

The music kicks in and it sounds familiar but the tempo is all slowed down and it’s tranquil and exciting at the same time.

Sana then opens her mouth and all thoughts leave your brain.

“Today is gonna be the day That they’re gonna throw it back to you By now you should’ve somehow Realized what you gotta do I don’t believe that anybody Feels the way I do, about you now”

Fuck. It’s like she’s a different person when she’s singing, she’s so full of confidence and she makes eye contact with every individual in the room, or so it feels. You can tell she has a powerful voice and has a lot of control of it too.

“Back beat, the word was on the street That the fire in your heart is out I’m sure you’ve heard it all before But you never really had a doubt I don’t believe that anybody Feels the way I do about you now”

Your eyes flicker to the side and you gasp a little when Jeongyeon’s bright brown eyes are staring at you and in that moment, you feel your heart actually stop. You feel your heart rise with emotion as the lyrics play through your head and she’s looking right into your soul.

You have a lump in your throat and you try swallowing it down. She’s scaring you again and you love it. Like the songs says, you really don’t believe anyone feels the way you feel about her. Especially right now.

“And all the roads we have to walk are winding And all the lights that lead us there are blinding There are many things that I Would like to say to you but I don’t know how”

You bite you lip and your throat feels dry and you feel like you’re falling through the floor. You really don’t know how to say things to her, not the thing you truly want to say. You’re too scared. You see Jeongyeon’s thin lips form a comforting smile.

“Because maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me And after all, you’re my wonderwall”

After the song fades Sana takes a bow and everybody is on their feet clapping. You feel awed by everything. The emotion in her voice but also the emotion in those brown eyes of a certain blonde looking at you.

Sana says a few things but you’re not really listening, you gulp back another swig of your drink, forcing yourself not to look at Jeongyeon. What the fuck is happening to you? Why is your heart weighing so much?

Sana leaves the stage and the band begins playing a slow jazzy, melancholy number. The lights brighten a bit.

Jeongyeon shifts her stool so it’s hitting right against yours, “Sana was great, right?” she says to you over the music, leaning in and placing a hand over your shoulder.

It stiffens at her touch.

Your eyes dart to the side and you can smell her cinnamon shampoo and the sweet smell of the alcohol from her light breath. You turn your attention back to the band still playing an instrumental number.

“Yeah” you manage to say back. “She really was.”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself” Jeongyeon says and leans away from you, taking another sip of her drink.

You can only breathe a little easier since she’s still right next to you and you can feel the tension lingering between your bodies. It’s almost physical enough to feel it in the air.

Ten minutes into the performance Jeongyeon shifts positions. The angle provides you with a great view of the blonde’s leg; you stare down underneath the table at the perfectly shaped limb. You can feel Jeongyeon’s eyes on you but you don’t even know if you care anymore, your eyes just trail down her toned leg and to her silver heels. Maybe you’re being obvious. Snapping out of it you look back up onto the stage and try lose yourself in the music.

It works for a while as you listen to Mina and Chaeyoung talk about art, something you really know nothing about. You suddenly feel something touch the side of your leg. Thinking Jeongyeon had maybe just accidently bumped you under the table, you shift away allowing more legroom.

Your heart skips a beat when the touch follows.

You hear a faint giggle from Jeongyeon; it was so quiet you wonder if you just imagined it in your head.

You keep your eyes forward and don’t move a muscle, but you can’t, it’s too hard, you’re too distracted by the action below your knees. You lean back a little and let your eyes fall down beneath the table.

You watch stunned, your heart pounding as Jeongyeon’s foot slips out of her shoe and caresses your ankle.

Fuck.

You can almost feel Jeongyeon’s smirk burn the side of your face. A familiar throb begins to faintly annoy you between your thighs and you shift in your seat hoping it will go away.

Jeongyeon glides her stocking-clad toes around your ankle slowly then snakes it under the leg of your pants. Your breathing quickens as she runs her foot sensually up and down your calf, putting you into a slight rocking motion.

Fuck.

“Ugh…” a sigh escapes your lips and your cheeks burn with embarrassment. She’s hypnotizing you.

You risk another glance at the limb tormenting you and your stomach spins uncontrollably when you look down and the image of Jeongyeon’s foot disappearing then reappearing from under your pants is burned into your mind.

“Fuck,” you mumble to yourself and you try picking up your drink, but your hand is shaking and the ice cubes are rattling away inside the glass. You feel the alcohol hit the back of your throat and then slide down and burn in your lower stomach.

You think you’ve just added fuel to a fucking fire because the pounding between your legs just became more intense.

The tempo of the music is still the same and you pant a little as Jeongyeon blazes a trail up to your knee and back down again, her foot leaving a tingly burning sensation beneath your skin. You feel every low thrum of the cello on stage reverberate between your legs and in your heart.

You can feel your underwear grow warm and sticky as your arousal pools between your thighs. You can’t fucking believe how easy she’s done this. You look down to the swaying of Jeongyeon’s toned thigh and it makes you all the more aroused that Jeongyeon’s long leg is touching you, that she’s doing this for you. To fucking torture you maybe, but nonetheless for you. There’s no way you’ve been imagining everything between you now.

You swear you can’t breathe.

Jeongyeon leans into you and you feel her soft hair tickle your shoulder. “Do you want me to stop?” she breathes quietly into your ear.

Your mouth falls open but literally nothing comes out.

She’s still stroking your leg and you can feel her breathing almost as heavily as you.

You lick your lips as your throat has become dry and you try speaking again but literally nothing comes out of your mouth. Literally fuck all.

You’re so fucking embarrassed.

She giggles into your ear and it flutters around your lobe and your stomach flips again.

She’s laughing at you. Again.

She takes your silence as an answer and continues on rubbing her foot up and down your calf.

“I hope now you realize,” she says quietly into your ear.

You can’t believe she’s trying to have a conversation with you right now since you can’t really think about anything other than your leg that feels numb and the way your insides are squirming at her touch.

You actually think you’re about to combust.

“Realize what?” you breathe out. Shit. That came out way huskier than you intended. You take another drink to distract your hands. You might end up doing something stupid with them. Like touching her back.

Of course, now your voice fucking works.

“The difference between someone turning you on, and not simply switching you on” she says before her leg retracts and she suddenly stands up.

You blink a few times and you realize the lights aren’t so low and the band has stopped playing. You don’t know if you’re disappointed or relieved.

“Excuse me guys, I need to go to the bathroom” Jeongyeon says to the table and she’s walking away like nothing happened.

It’s not fair. She can’t keep doing this to you.

You stand up and your legs are all wobbly. Shit.

“You OK Nayeon?” Chaeyoung smiles at you with concern in her eyes.

“Uh… yeah,” you mumble, “I think the drinks went straight to my head,” you laugh it off nervously.

You don’t even say anything as you put one foot in front of the other and try walking in a straight line toward the restrooms. You let out long breaths; you really need to cool off. Following Jeongyeon was probably not a good idea then, but you need to talk to her.

You swing open the door to the women’s bathroom and look around. Jeongyeon’s standing there at the sink with her back to you, she’s washing her hands. You close the door carefully behind you and peek around the stalls to make sure you’re both alone.

You are.

“I need you to stop” you say shakily.

You feel stupid because you kind of feel like crying. You don’t know what you’re more upset about, the fact that she touched you like that or the fact that she’s no longer touching you like that.

Jeongyeon turns off the taps and dries her hand with a paper towel. “I know,” she sighs sadly and her shoulders slump.

Your eyes meet hers in the mirror.

You weren’t expecting that response for some reason.

“I’ve kind of been lying to you Nayeon, and myself if I’m honest” she says softly and turns to look at you.

The mixture of her bright brown eyes and her silver dress in this light is simply stunning.

You take a step forward closer to her and she leans back against the sink.

“I told you last weekend that outside of room 47 I was just your friend. But legally, ethically and morally that just isn’t true. You’re my patient and that comes first before everything else, or it should… I mean… I shouldn’t even be your friend… I’ve never done anything like this before” she divulges and her eyes drop down to the floor looking caught between shame and sadness.

Your heart thumps and feels heavy because you don’t want to see her sad, or worst of all, be the cause of it.

“I’m not playing games though,” she breathes and is still staring at the tiled floor. “I guess, it’s just because I like you so much…”

Crap.

“It’s weird because I’d get angry if I hear about other counselors doing this sort of thing yet here I am feeling the same. I’m not professional around you, you make me forget myself…”

Brown eyes flicker up and look across at you sadly. You’re lost in the enigmatic depth of them.

Fuck everything. You think you’re actually having feelings for this woman and you haven’t got a clue what to do about it. Should you even do anything about it? Will it pass if you just leave it?

Do you even want to leave it?

You don’t know what to do or say but you’re walking forward anyway, your heels hitting against the floor until you’re right in front of her.

You can’t believe she likes you.

Why would someone as perfect as her take any interest in a fucked-up person like you?

“Have you ever become friends with one of your clients?” you ask and she looks up at you again like she wasn’t expecting that question. She leans as far back away from you into the sink as she can and you consider taking one step closer to close the gap but your feet remain rooted. The pounding between your legs seems to have slowed down and now it’s just a slow thud like your heartbeat, deep within your body and soul as if it’s waiting on something. Someone.

Jeongyeon shakes her head silently.

“Have you ever had a relationship with any of your clients?”

She shakes her head again and you see guilt in her eyes.

You clear your throat because suddenly it feels smaller, “Have you ever flirted with your clients?”

Jeongyeon stares at you and her eyes fall to your lips in a way you’ve seen them do before. She shakes her head again, “Only you” she admits softly.

Jesus Christ.

Jeongyeon sighs and reaches a hand out to you, you watch as slender fingers wrap themselves around your wrist and she’s swaying your arm in her palm in-between your bodies. Her hand still feels warm and moist from the tap water and you want her to touch you everywhere with it.

Maybe not everywhere, then again you aren’t even sure about anything anymore.

“I’ll give you the contact details of a colleague of mine, if you want to transfer to another counselor, but I hope you don’t because I do feel like I can help you Nayeon, despite my feelings for you…”

“Jeongyeon I’m not… not… I can’t… Jackson…” you stutter out pathetically as you feel all your walls collapse at her admission of feelings for you. You don’t think you’ve ever felt so wonderfully sad in all your life.

“And just so you know,” she says, even quieter still that you have to lean in a little, her face not far from yours. “I won’t ever initiate anything between us, but not because of my job, because you’re in a relationship, a serious one at that.”

She lets go of your wrist and glides her hand by your arm and waist as she walks away toward the door.

You shudder and close your eyes.

You don’t know what to do.

“But honestly?” her voice floats to you from the door and you turn around to face her. Jeongyeon’s eyes look a shade darker. She bites her bottom lip and looks at you shyly, “If you were to initiate anything though, I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself.”

You nod dumbly at her as elation swirls in the pit of your stomach.

“Just saying” she shrugs and gives a simple smile.

“You know that I can at least have you investigated and you can possibly lose your job, right?” you ask and you feel a sad smile twitch your lips.

You have no intention of doing so but you kind of want to see her reaction.

She smiles a little more then, tilts her head looking pensive, “We both know you would never do that Nayeon.”

Before you can say anything, she’s gone.

Of course, she knew you were bluffing. She knows everything.

She’s left you alone in the bathroom and you lean back into the sink and grip the sides with your hands. You look up at the ceiling and let out a giant sigh. You try even out your breathing but you feel all over the place.

She’s left the ball in your court and it’s so fucking unfair.

You actually think she’s devilishly clever.

Probably the smartest person you know, which is saying something because you know Park Jihyo. Which reminds you, this is all her fucking fault and you need to tell her everything.

You spend the rest of the night at the bar talking to Chaeyoung and drinking more than you should. Jeongyeon talks mostly to Mina but seems oddly subdued. You wish things were different. There’s so much you want to tell her but don’t know how.

Jeongyeon comes over to you and lightly traces around your elbow with her fingertips. It tickles.

She looks a little drunk.

She giggles and you snort back and blink slowly at her.

“What’s so funny?” you ask.

“Dunno,” she shrugs and her hand retracts. “Hey, I don’t want you going home by yourself in the city at this time, you should come back to mine.”

Holy crap.

She sees your eyes bulge and looks away bashfully, “Oh uhm… don’t worry… it’s… Chaeyoung’s coming too, my apartment is only a few minutes from here.”

“I got a cab over, I could get one back?” you suggest.

“Maybe,” Jeongyeon shrugs a shoulder and looks a little disheartened. “I don’t want you to waste money when I’m literally a few minutes away.”

“Oh,” you say erratically and your breathing is all over the place. “I guess, OK”

You guess? OK? What are you thinking?

Her lips form a toothy grin and she giggles again. She seems really happy. That makes you happy.

“We ready to go then?” Chaeyoung comes up behind you at the bar and Mina leans over her shoulder and kisses her cheek sloppily.

“See you tomorrow Chaeyoung, it was nice meeting you Nayeon” she smiles a little lazily and stumbles toward the door.

Your heart kind of jolts because you feel something seeing the two of them together, but you’re not entirely sure what it is.

You look to the side and suck in a sharp breath when Jeongyeon’s looking right at you, she seems curious by everything you do and you feel like she’s reading your mind or trying to gauge what’s happening inside of you and you don’t like she can bypass your walls so damn easily.

You spent a lot of time building them up after all.

You smile a little nervously at her and she smirks back.

“Should I bring a knife with me?” Chaeyoung asks and you snap out of it.

Jeongyeon laughs a little carelessly, “what are you talking about Chaeyoungie?” she coos.

Oh damn, she’s being cute again. Drunk cute.

“You know,” Chaeyoung says sassily, her eyebrow quirks and her eyes dart between you both, “to cut the sexual tension with?”

Jeongyeon snorts and hits her on the arm, “C’mon you, you’re not funny right now” she says and grabs her arm and they are heading for exit too. You guess you should follow suit.

The three of you are walking along and it’s dark and cold and you’re glad you didn’t go home by yourself. You walk close behind Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung and you can’t wait to get to bed. You’re scared at how much you feel for Jeongyeon. You feel like your whole world is crumbling around you and you don’t know how to stop it. Maybe if you go to sleep, some of the pieces will still be left in the morning and you can rebuild form there.

Jeongyeon’s detaches herself from Chaeyoung’s arm and slows down so she’s walking beside you, “I really liked that song Sana sang,” she says to you quietly and leans a little into you.

“I… uh… yeah.”

She can’t honestly expect you to be able to hold a conversation when she’s this close to you, can she?

You had to agree though, you loved it. Songs are normally sappy to you and hold little meaning but you recall the way your heart almost exploded back at the bar and it felt so good it almost hurt.

Are you really marrying the wrong person? Did you move too fast with Jackson and not even be open to anybody else that you haven’t really experienced what true love is?

Was this what attraction felt like? Love even?

You can’t be in love though you love Jackson, right? Besides, love doesn’t come this quickly.

You do like her though, of that you’re sure. You like her a lot.

She’s so precious that songs remind you of her. No song reminds you of Jackson. Which is ridiculous because Jackson is everything, you’ve known him for years and her for barely 2 and a half weeks. Why are these feelings so many and so instant?

Has your whole life been a giant waste of time, a giant lie?

You do think your heart is trying to tell you something, and you’re mad at it because it’s been pretty fucking indifferent up until now. The way it swells and beats only for her.

You have no fucking idea what a Wonderwall even is.

But you’re pretty sure she’s yours.

Jeongyeon’s your Wonderwall.


	7. Confused

“Watch your step.”

You smile a little up at Jeongyeon as you start walking up the stairway in her apartment block. You’re glad to be out of the cold.

“I know how to walk upstairs,” you laugh nervously.

“Yeah but you’ve been drinking and I’m used to Chaeyoung falling up here,” Jeongyeon giggles.

“Hey!” Chaeyoung says in defense, slapping Jeongyeon on the arm.

“I’m not drunk trust me” you grimace, thinking momentarily back to embarrassing, hazy drunken memories, most of which involving tears or vomiting or often both.

You follow behind Chaeyoung and Jeongyeon till you reach the end of a hallway on the third floor and she opens the door to room 25. Jeongyeon flicks on the light as she walks through to the living room; Chaeyoung pushes by and collapses on the sofa on her front.

Shit. It’s really cold in here.

“Crap, my heating must have turned itself off again” Jeongyeon groans and opens the door to the kitchen. A familiar golden retriever comes scampering out and runs toward you, twirling around your legs.

“Hey there,” you smile down at Lucy and stroke over the smooth hair on her head. She wags her tail excitedly in response.

You look around and it’s a decent sized flat, the living room is pretty big and is decorated in cream and teal colors. There is cream sofa’s set up to face the TV on the wall, there’s a chair in the corner where you see colorful balls of thread and other knitting material. You smile imagining Jeongyeon knit all sorts of clothing there. There are a few dog bones and squeakers lying on the floor and a bookshelf with an assortment of weird ornaments. You note the lack of pictures though. There’s not any and it doesn’t make the place seem as homely as it could be. You think about your own place, it has lots of photos of you and your parents, you and Jackson on holiday, even one of you and Jihyo.

You hear a kettle come on from the kitchen. “Hey, you guys want hot chocolate?” Jeongyeon’s voice calls through.

“Yes,” you and Chaeyoung both say in unison. You laugh a little as Lucy runs through to the kitchen like she wants some too.

“Geez Jeong, polar bears could live in here” Chaeyoung calls through and you see her shivering. You decide to walk over past the coffee table and sit in the lone seat across from her.

“That was the plan,” Jeongyeon calls through and you hear her stirring the drinks, “but so far none have showed up at my door, weird right?”

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes and shakes her head; you on the other hand giggle and sigh feeling giddy. She’s so fucking cute; worst part is you don’t know what you love more, the fact that she might be kidding or the fact she might be serious. You can’t really tell. She’s cute and magical either way.

Jeongyeon comes in and puts Chaeyoung’s drink on the table, then hands you yours. You notice the way her lips twitch when her fingers slide along yours briefly as you take the cup from her.

You blink and smile bashfully back up at her, “thanks,” you mumble quietly.

She smiles at you then all too quickly she’s gone back through to the kitchen.

Fuck. You’re really glad Chaeyoung’s here. You don’t know what you might do otherwise.

You sit in the comfort of the living room and love the way the steam from your hot chocolate raises from your cup and heats your face. You glance at Chaeyoung, who’s all but collapsed on the sofa; she’s barely got one eye open.

“Jeong, we’re going to die in this cold” she mumbles, her words muffled as her face is mashed up against the surface of the sofa.

“Sorry girls,” Jeongyeon says coming in from the kitchen with her own hot chocolate and sits by Chaeyoung’s feet. “My heating has been weird recently, I’ve been meaning to get it fixed, but I’ve put it on now and it’s working OK, it may take a while to heat the place up though.”

Lucy comes in from the kitchen and yawns, prodding her way over to you. She sits at your feet and looks up at you with her big eyes and her ears cowered back. You can’t help but grin down at her; she’s such a damn cute dog.

“She likes you,” Jeongyeon says quietly and you look over at her. She smiles softly like there’s a double meaning behind there somewhere.

You take a sip of your hot drink and swallow carefully, thinking what to say back. “I like her too” you smile unsurely back.

Jeongyeon chews her lip and raises her cup up to her face as if she’s trying to hide a smile. She takes a drink and you mimic her. Fuck this is awkward.

“Welll,” Chaeyoung drawls out as she yawns and stretches her arms, her eyes still not fully open. “Clearly I’m sleeping on the sofa, because there is no way I’ll get any beauty sleep with all the weird tension floating between you two.”

“Shut up Chaeyoung” Jeongyeon rolls her eyes. “Uhm, you can have the bed if you want Nayeon, I’ll uh, well you and Chaeyoung can share and I’ll—”

“I’m not sharing a bed with her, she could kick me during her sleep” Chaeyoung interjects dramatically, “I told you I’ll take the sofa, you two take the bed, I want to actually sleep tonight and not get kicked in the face by someone’s limbs.”

“You think she flails around in bed?” Jeongyeon snorts.

“Well she does have a temper according to you so she probably does a lot of moving too, and I’ve slept next to you before Jeong, you’re clingy” she says and lifts her hands doing clinging motions.

You and Jeongyeon both laugh a little.

You wrap your hands around the warm cup in your hand tighter. “I’m fine with sharing the bed with you Jeongyeon,” you admit sheepishly and your cheeks are burning red. You don’t even look directly at her to see her reaction. You can’t believe the words that are coming out your fucking mouth right now. “I mean, I’ll need to borrow pajamas but it’s fine, you do have some I can borrow right?”

“Uhh…” Jeongyeon says hesitantly.

You look up at her and she’s rubbing her chin looking caught between thought and guilt.

“I might have, I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean you might have?” you frown confused and take another sip of your hot chocolate.

“Well,” Jeongyeon shrugs nonchalantly. “It’s just I don’t really use them, I usually sleep naked.”

Fuck. You heart stops. The hot liquid gets caught at the back of your throat and you choke and feel it hurling forward. Hot chocolate escapes your lips and dribbles down your chin onto your clothes.

You hear Jeongyeon giggle and it makes your stomach flutter again. You are so fucking embarrassed yet again. Lucy jumps up a little and begins licking at the wet patch on your pants and this sends Jeongyeon into more laugher. She puts down her own cup and clasps a hand over her chest.

“Sorry,” you mumble and finally manage to swallow the rest.

Jeongyeon kneels down on the floor and comes crawling over to you, she takes off one of her leg warmers around her arm and dabs the wet patch carefully on your thigh.

“Go away Lucy” she giggles and swats her hand at the dog.

Lucy whines and goes over toward Chaeyoung, who’s all but passed out.

“Sorry” you say again and you have no idea why you’re talking but she’s so fucking close to you again. You can see her slightly smudged eye makeup and her freckles. She’s so pretty.

Jeongyeon looks up and you kind of lose your breath at how brown her eyes are again. They seem to surprise you every time. She smiles a little and raises her hand, dabbing your chin dry. The touch burns in a way the hot drink never did.

She’s still dabbing even though you’re sure the spot is dry.

“Don’t worry,” she whispers. “I won’t sleep naked,” she adds with the smallest of smirks.

Your stomach is spinning.

She quirks an eyebrow at you and your face must have changed because she’s giving you a look. “Is that relief I see or… disappointment?” she whispers and you swear her face is closer.

You swallow thickly.

“Both.”

Fuck. You can’t believe you just said that.

She knows now, you’ve confirmed it. You’re at very least attracted to her and you just fucking admitted it out loud. You’re not gay or anything, you can’t be, you’d know by now. It’s only her you feel this way about, so it will pass. It has to.

“You’re thinking too much,” she says quietly and retracts away from you, kneeling down on the floor and placing a hand on your knee.

You gulp. Why does she always know?

She looks at you regretfully before standing up and walking to the other side of the room, she opens a closet and brings out a pillow and some bed covers. You just watch her as your heartbeat tries to settle, your eyes fall to her swaying hips and her legs, you think she has a sexy strut; it’s full of confidence and assurance. You only hope one day you can be half the person she is. You’re hot as hell on the outside; you know you were blessed with good genes but on the inside? You really don’t know who you are anymore, and if you don’t know who you are, you can’t love yourself; there for you can’t be confident in yourself. Everything sucks.

“Chaeyoung,” Jeongyeon says gently and places her hand over Chaeyoung’s shoulder. “Wakey, wakey,” she singsongs nudging her more. “I have some of your old clothes in my bedroom, you want me to bring them through?”

“Mhmm mhmm” she hums groggily.

“Well get up and make your bed if you’re so adamant about sleeping here then” she says and walks through to the hallway and out of sight.

Yes, you watch her ass as it leaves too.

You look back to Chaeyoung and jump a little when her eyes are wide open and she’s watching you, you feel like you’ve just been caught. She sits up and takes a sip of his hot chocolate, her eyes peering over the rim at you. Her eyebrow is raised and you get the feeling she’s judging you or something.

“What?” you shrug defensively and avert your gaze around the room.

“You better not hurt her,” she says softly but the warning is nevertheless there, loud and clear.

You roll your eyes, “I have no idea what you’re talking about” you say monotonously.

Her eyebrow rises further like she knows you’re talking bull and a silence falls in the room. Fuck it.

“OK, you know what shorty?” you say impatiently and place your cup down on the table. “If I want your advice, I’d ask for it, OK?”

“I wasn’t giving you advice,” she says shortly. “I was warning you.”

“Puh-lease, if anything she’s hurting me” you scoff.

“Really? The way I see it is that Jeongyeon’s taken a liken to you and you want to have your cake and eat it too. Really, don’t flirt back if you’re just going to go back to your husband every night, because from where I’m sitting you’re probably just an attention-seeking straight woman with a very vanilla sex life and marriage that wants to play along with the flirting because it’s the only remotely interesting thing in your life, and it makes you feel a little cool and rock n’ roll, but when it comes down to it you have no real interest in Jeongyeon whatsoever.”

Fuck. Your mouth drops open and you don’t know what to say. She isn’t entirely right and you want to point that out but then that would mean you saying stuff out loud.

“I… It’s not like that… I… I’m confused” you stutter out.

Well fuck you Im Nayeon, now you can’t take it back. Great job. Just fucking great. What the fuck are you even talking about anyway? Chaeyoung’s eyes go a little wide and she looks surprised at your admitting words.

You feel the initial anger dispel inside you and now you just feel fucking miserable. You slump a little in your chair and look to the floor in shame.

“Oh,” Chaeyoung breathes. “Have you told her that?”

You look up and shake your head.

“Maybe you should.”

Jeongyeon comes walking back in and again your mouth drops open. She’s standing at the threshold wearing a baggy white shirt that only comes to her midriff, and all she’s got on at the bottom is purple lace panties. Fuck. You think the dress was less revealing.

“Uhm, I couldn’t really find anything to wear apart from this, I think this is Momo’s old top” Jeongyeon smiles at Chaeyoung, tugs the edges down with balled fists and spins on the spot.

Fuck she’s so cute and sexy and damn her legs.

“Oh Nayeon,” she smiles to you like she’s just remembered you’re here. “You can go through to my room and get changed, just go through my drawers, I’m sure you’ll find something to wear,” she giggles.

Your stomach flutters and you stand up and you need to get away from her for a while.

“It’s the last door on the right.”

“Okay,” you say and you realize you have to physically bypass her so you close your eyes and you scoot by her, and will yourself not to look at her or inhale or think about anything. You end up walking into the doorframe though.

Jeongyeon giggles and your stomach clenches as you cringe feeling embarrassment sweep down your spine.

“Oops, sorry” you mumble and scatter quickly out to the hall without looking back.

Did you just apologize to a fucking door?

You walk down and open the door to Jeongyeon’s room. It’s as sexy and cute as you could imagine. There’s a large bed and a bulky lava lamp, casting orange and red tinges lighting the room. There are some music posters on the wall and some cartoon pictures of animals. You walk to the bedside table and you spot the only picture in the house it seems, it’s a very old picture of what looks like a young Jeongyeon, she can’t be any older than ten. A brown-haired man and brunette woman with bright brown eyes are standing behind her smiling. You guess it’s her parents. You smile a little and look back down at Jeongyeon, even as a kid she looks mischievous yet good-natured.

You go across to a large chest of drawers and open the top one. You chew your lip a little as you see a colorful array of panties and bras. OK so you guess since she doesn’t have pajamas, she won’t really have a designated drawer for them. You laugh a little when toward the back you see a red scarf with ducks on them and you just know Jeongyeon made it herself. Ugh. You want know why she likes to make clothes, you want to maybe one day just sit down and watch her do it too. OK whatever. You move the scarf to see if there are any tops you can wear and a black box catches your eye. Glancing back to the door you let your curiosity win and bring it out a little and slide open the lid.

“Holy shit” you breathe out as your heart stops.

It’s a strap on. You put your hand around the black harness and lift it up out the box; the phallus is a deep purple color. You just stare at it in wonder. You really don’t understand these things, you imagine yourself in it and you just look fucking awkward, what’s the point in them anyway, how can they possibly be sexy? Your cheeks flush a little though when you picture Jeongyeon wearing it under that baggy shirt she has on and nothing else. Fuck. Whatever. You find everything Jeongyeon does sexy so this is no different. You’re just being weird. Put it the fuck back and don’t go through her shit again.

You close the lid and try putting it back exactly where it was. You don’t get it though, women who like being with other women would see them as pointless right? Whatever. You have no idea why you’re still thinking about it and you have no idea why you literally can’t get the mental image of Jeongyeon in one of them out your mind.

Whatever.

Just find something to wear.

Think about something else.

Eventually you take your clothes off, fold them into a neat pile and put them on top of the dresser. You’ve found a white tank top with grey baggy jogging pants, they’re a bit big for you but they’ll do. You hear a gentle knock on the door.

“Nayeon, can I come in?” Jeongyeon’s voice comes through quietly.

You glance quickly at the mirror to check yourself and you make sure that drawer is shut before you reply, “Uh yeah, come in.”

You’re so nervous.

She comes walking in chewing her lip bashfully and in the light the lava lamp is providing her eyes look pretty as ever.

“Chaeyoung’s sleeping, do you want to go to bed or…? I mean we could stay up and do something if you want—”

“No, no,” you interject and you’re so nervous your stomach is spinning. “I’m quite tired actually.”

“OK, me too” she smiles and walks over to the bed. “Any side you prefer?”

You shrug awkwardly, “Not really.”

She giggles then sighs “Oh well I’ll take this side”, she’s at the right-hand side of the bed and she climbs under the covers. You walk around to the other side and you realize the lava lamp is shining at this side. Fuck. If you’re going to sleep, you’re going to have to face inwards toward her. You wonder maybe if you should ask to turn it off but maybe she’s afraid of the dark or something. You smile a little. That would be cute if she were.

You climb in bed and turn to face her. She blinks slowly at you and gives you a tired smile. You can’t help but smile back. She’s so beautiful.

“You should spend your Sunday with me tomorrow” Jeongyeon says quietly, moving her head further up the pillow.

“I don’t know,” you sigh unsurely, “I usually just do nothing with Jackson” you laugh a little.

“Do nothing with me instead” she says and her smile is gone but her eyes are darting all over your face hopefully.

“OK” you agree. Fuck. You really can’t say no to her, can you?

She gives a contented smile, “Awesome, goodnight Nayeon.”

You yawn before mumbling “Goodnight Jeong.”

The following morning you wake up feeling like it was the best sleep you’d had in ages, which is saying something because your sleep has been broken and shitty most of the time recently. Jeongyeon makes you and Chaeyoung French toast and it’s so tasty, it’s the best thing you’ve had in ages. You panic a little when Chaeyoung says her goodbyes because she and Mina are going to see a movie. You almost want to go with Chaeyoung because you can’t be alone with her. She leaves though, and Jeongyeon goes through to change clothes.

A few minutes later she comes through with another pair of overalls on with a white tank top underneath. Fuck. These ones are different though; they have black stains all over them.

“What are you doing?” you can’t help but smile at her.

“Sorry, I totally forgot I said I’d help fix my neighbor’s car today.”

“Oh” you say disappointed, “Well I guess I should just go then.”

You’re kind of sad but kind of relieved.

“No, you don’t have to” she smiles at you and brings over her boots. She sits down across from you on the sofa and begins tying her laces. “How about you come down, keep me company, then we can come back up and do whatever.”

“Down where?” you ask.

“Oh, tenants of this building have their own garages in a private garage lot behind the apartment building, so just come down, no one will see us, I mean look what I’m wearing” she grins at you.

You laugh a little thinking she could wear a trash bag and still look good.

“C’mon,” she whines a little and pouts at you. “It’s not a big repair job or anything, it won’t take long.”

She needs to stop doing cute things like that.

“Fine,” you sigh and can’t help but laugh at how ecstatic she looks.

Everything seems to give her joy, even simple things, but especially you. You have no idea why a pessimistic, sarcastic bitch like yourself would cause her to smile but for some reason you do.

10 minutes later and Jeongyeon’s walked you out of the building, down the side path to a garage lot at the back. It’s a long alleyway with garage doors on both sides and at the far end. There’s only one garage door opened and one person here. An overweight man comes walking out from behind a car and over to you and Jeongyeon.

“Hey, I can take a look at your car now” Jeongyeon smiles.

She’s so fucking nice and polite. You’ll never be like her.

“Thanks a lot, Jeongyeon, I owe you a big one,” the man says in a broad Seoul accent “listen, any time you need one of my wife’s home-made food or anything at all, you just come calling OK?” he grins and shakes her hand.

“OK,” Jeongyeon giggles “but it’s really no problem.”

“I gotta go and open the shop, see you later Jeongyeon, and whoever you might be pretty lady” he says and nods at you.

You smile weakly back but as soon as he’s walking away you turn around to Jeongyeon and roll your eyes.

“Don’t,” she says, her eyes glinting at you mischievously “whatever you’re about to say don’t, it’ll be mean.”

You laugh a little and raise your hands like you’ve been caught. “You got me, but for you I’ll be nice, see? I don’t think you realize how much I do for you.”

“Really?” Jeongyeon smirks amused as she walks into the garage and brings out a skateboard, dumping it down next to the brown car you assume needs fixed. “I’d love to see how much I could test that.”

You swallow thickly and the way she’s looking at you makes you feel giddy and nervous. “Please,” you roll your eyes playfully “just because I’m nicer around you it doesn’t mean I’d do anything.”

“Oh, the things I’d make you do though Nayeon” she smirks at you devilishly and you’ve pretty much lost the ability to speak. She giggles and walks over to the white garage door next to the open one, takes out a key and unlocks it.

“What are you doing?” you ask curiously, needing to shift the topic to something less likely to make you go insane.

“This is my garage, just need to get a few things,” she says as her arms stretch above her raising the garage door right open.

You peak inside. The garage is full of old dog toys and shelves and shelves of tools. Right in the middle is a shiny red motorbike you recognize. She comes out with a flashlight and sits on the skateboard on the ground.

“So, you just fix shit for free?” you ask kneeling on the ground beside her.

She smiles and nods.

You narrow your eyes at her, “Why though? You’re not that perfect.”

She giggles and shyly run her hand through her hair. “I’m not perfect Nayeon, if someone I know has something wrong with their car or some other thing I can fix, I’ll do it for free, besides repair shops nowadays, especially in today’s economy, totally rip you off, especially women” she informs you.

Fuck, she’s so cute and considerate and smart and you’re really running out of nice things to think about her. Maybe you should try saying them instead.

“Well,” you say quietly and scoot a little closer to her, “If that’s the case then I think you’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met.”

She breathes in a little and you watch with delight as her cheeks go a little red and even the tip of her ear you can see. “Uhm, thanks” she bats her eyelashes are you and you’re both submerged into a brief silence. “I’m just going to look under the car.”

“OK” you breathe shakily at her, still mesmerized by how beautiful she looks when flattered.

You lean against the car and watch the lower half of her body twist a little, you’re kind of worried she’s under a heavy piece of metal right now; you wouldn’t want it to flatten her pretty face.

“Oh, it’s nothing” you hear her say, her voice muffled a little. “the splash guard just needs replacing.”

You have no idea what she’s talking about but you’re glad just to be in her company. She can talk about whatever she wanted and you’d still listen eagerly.

“Hey Jeongyeon?” you call to her, as your eyes fall on the red bike in the garage.

“Yeah?”

Chaeyoung thinks your life is vanilla huh? You’ll show her.

“Think you can teach me how to ride?” you smirk.

“Motorbike?” she asks surprised.

“Yeah,” you laugh a little. “I mean just the basics at first, I don’t think I’m ready to drive one yet.”

“Sure OK, oh this will be fun,” she squeals in excitement and you laugh watching her feet flail about. She rolls back out from under the car and grins up at you. Her arms a little dirty and she has a black spot on her forehead.

You smile down at her and before you can stop yourself you place the pad of your thumb across the stain and rub it gently away. Her skin is so smooth. You quickly jerk your hand away though.

Her face drops as she looks silently up at you, “thanks” she breathes and begins to form a smile.

You smile back down at her and just shrug.

“I’ll teach you the basics now if you like,” she says sitting up and rubbing her back.

You wonder if it’s sore, you think you’d happily rub it for her. Yeah. That’s not gay or anything you just want to touch her and help her and maybe hug her. That’s all.

“Then when you’re ready you can practice on the ranch, it’s kind of perfect for driving over there.”

“Good idea” you smile at her.

Fuck. You’re kind of scared now, you want to impress her but the thought of riding a fast vehicle scares the shit out of you.

You hear someone’s shoes against the ground and you look over to the entrance pathway, a woman wearing stylish black shorts and a black sweater is walking toward you both. You narrow your eyes and realize it’s that Sana woman you seen singing last night.

“Uh Jeong, I think you have a visitor.”

“Oh,” Jeongyeon beams and stands up and runs a little to the other woman.

You hear Sana’s laugh as Jeongyeon wraps her arms around her waist and spin her around. They are both laughing like idiots and you think Sana’s laugh is probably the most annoying you’ve ever fucking heard.

Suddenly this Sunday doesn’t seem so awesome.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Jeongyeon smirks at her as you walk over to them. “Oh, Nayeon this is my friend Sana, Minatozaki Sana— this is Nayeon.”

“Hi” she smiles politely at you but you can instantly tell she’s annoyed by your presence by the look in her eye. She’s a good actress; you’ll give her that.

“Hey” you smile back a little.

Minatozaki Sana? What the fuck kind of name is Minatozaki anyway?

“You’ve probably already heard of me,” she says obnoxiously to you, “I’m a star in the entertainment industry.”

You nod a little but say nothing. You already hate the Japanese’s guts.

“I just wanted to pop in and ask if you wanted to maybe get some cocktails sometime soon?” Sana turns to Jeongyeon and ignores you. The way she says cocktails makes it seem like it’s a code word for something else.

You see her eyes flutter downwards and her arm extends, tracing her fingers under Jeongyeon’s elbow and down her forearm.

Jeongyeon’s just standing there giggling like a schoolgirl.

Fuck this.

Your initial instinct was right, these two have definitely fucked and you feel sick. It’s worse than when you have seen Jeongyeon with Teddy because these two clearly have a history, but more than that she’s another woman, and for some reason you feel more threatened by that fact.

You cross your arms and look down, trying awkwardly to remain part of conversation. You don’t fucking like this one bit.

“OK, I’ll call you,” Jeongyeon smiles back. “You sure that’s all you wanted?” Jeongyeon giggles.

“Yes” Sana beams and her eyes flicker to you.

If looks could fucking kill.

You get the feeling she really doesn’t like you and she doesn’t even know you.

“I have a meeting to go to with my management but my driver was passing by this place anyway, so I thought I’d check if you were home, I really should go though, I think he’s parked illegally.”

They both laugh and you wish they’d shut the fuck up.

Sana leans up and kisses Jeongyeon on both cheeks like they’ve done it a million times before. “I’ll see you later sexy, OK?” she winks at Jeongyeon and skips off without even acknowledging you.

Fucking Minatozaki.

Jeongyeon watches her leave and turns around toward you, her smile falls a little and she runs the back of her hand across her brow. “Do I still have dirt on my face?” she asks, scrunching up her nose.

You smile as much as you are able to right now and shake your head.

“OK, good” she sighs relieved. “You can wait inside the garage and I’ll show you the basics on the bike, I’m just going to replace the splash guard, it’ll only take a minute.”

“OK” you turn quickly and head inside. You need to get away from her and you need to erase what the hell you just seen.

Everything sucks.

A few minutes later you watch mesmerized as Jeongyeon comes walking in, slightly dirty with oil and she’s cleaning the grease off her hands with a cloth. You chew your lip as you watch her toned arms move with each movement. You had no idea you were this good at spotting detail, but you seem to soak in every one of hers.

Her eyelids rise slowly and she’s looking right at you.

You let go of your bottom lip and try to appear nonchalant. “So, are you going to show me or what?” you ask, inclining your head to the red motorbike propped in the middle of the garage.

She smirks at you for a second and you feel like the silence is driving you mad.

“Get on” she says lowly.

Fuck.

She’s looking at you and her eyes are darker and her voice is lower and she looks so fucking sexy you can’t stand it.

“Get on” she says again, and it comes out more like a demand.

You clench your stomach and think you’d happily drink gasoline and set yourself on fire right now if she asked you like that again. You walk up to the motorcycle and place a hand on the leather seat.

“If I go on it, isn’t it going to tip over or something?” you ask, eyeing it nervously.

Jeongyeon gives a short laugh and you look across to her. Brown eyes are watching you with amusement but also with something else you can’t place. She’s making you nervous.

“You see that little thing popping out at the side?” she nods her head down by the right silver pedal. “That’s called the kickstand, it’s propping the bike up as we speak. The bike doesn’t magically defy gravity and sit up right, it doesn’t fly either, I already tried” she smirks.

Well fuck. She has a certain way of making you feel like an ignorant piece of shit sometimes. You’d normally bite her head off by now, but she’s Jeongyeon and for some reason you don’t have the ability to talk back. Or you do, you just don’t use it.

“Right,” you sigh nervously. “You’re sure it won’t topple over?”

Jeongyeon rolls her eyes and sighs. She throws away the cloth to the side and comes up to stand on the opposite side of the motorbike. “No, but I’ll catch you if for some weird reason it does.”

That thought really does nothing to settle your nerves.

“Nayeon, you’re not even going to be riding the bike, just practicing, stop being such a wuss.”

You frown at her, “am not” you mumble, your pride hurt a little.

“Are too” she smirks back.

“OK, so how do I like… get on?”

“You mount her silly” Jeongyeon giggles.

Your head snaps up at her and you feel your cheeks grow warm. You really don’t need to hear a sentence like that leave her pretty mouth after what you found in her top drawer last night.

She cocks her head to the side and her eyes narrow like she’s trying to figure out why you’ve suddenly gone quiet. Before she fucking reads your mind you take a deep breath, grab the handles and swing a leg over.

“See? It didn’t topple.”

“Yeah, yeah” you sigh. You shift a little and get used to the feeling of sitting on the bike. It seems larger somehow. There are breaks and levers and pedals and you haven’t a fucking clue what any of it does apart from the mirrors.

Jeongyeon lifts the material on her overalls leg up and jumps on behind you.

“W-what are you doing?” you freak out because she moved the bike a little, but mostly because the seat is sloped so her body has slid down and is now pressing against yours at the back. You feel her breasts against your back again and you shudder slightly at how familiar the feeling is.

“Relax,” she coos and she perches her chin on your shoulder as her arms come around and grab the handles.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Your hearts pounding in your ears, she’s so damn close and you feel the warmth of her body and the tickle of her hair over your shoulders.

She moves her right hand and turns the key in the ignition to ON. “Don’t worry, it’ll run in fast idle” she says before pressing the on button. You have no idea what the fuck she’s talking about, but her saying ’don’t worry’ just makes you worry more.

You instantly jump a little as the motor roars and the engine starts thrumming beneath you.

Jeongyeon giggles but it doesn’t stop your heart from bouncing all over the place.

“Now, riding a bike is different, you actually switch gears with your left foot” she says in your ear.

You’re quite sure that anything she says right now isn’t sinking in at all.

“That lever by your left foot, you move that up or down to change gears but I wouldn’t do that because you’ll take us out of neutral.”

You nod and decide to feign interest because the insides of your thighs are being tickled by the thrumming of the motor and the seat is vibrating a little. Having Jeongyeon’s body, once again, pressed up behind you — you realize you’re beginning to enjoy this a little too much.

“What’s that?” you ask instead pointing at a thing that looks like a clutch. You need a fucking distraction.

“The clutch” Jeongyeon laughs.

“Oh,” you breathe.

Jeongyeon wiggles her middle and forefinger to drag your attention to the handle. “This is the brake,” she says tapping the metallic bar in front of the handle. “Annnd this,” she says tapping the handle, “is the throttle handle that gasses the engine.”

You just nod dumbly, your whole body stiff. You think you’ve gone into a catatonic state or something.

“But I know you’re not really listening to a word I say, are you?” she sighs mischievously in your ear, and you feel the side of her face brush against your cheek.

Fuck.

“I… I am” you say shakily.

She laughs in your ear and her breath ghosts over your skin. “If you move forward a little, it’ll feel really good” she almost whispers into your ear.

“I… I….what?” you play dumb and your cheeks are burning red.

“Shift forward to the edge of the seat” she says, and before you can even do anything she rolls her hips forward into yours, scooting you forward.

“H-h-h-holy fuck… shit” you gasp and try find something to grasp onto.

The very front of the leather seat vibrates harder than the rest and your sex is pressed right up against it.

“Jeongyeon I… I… this is—”

“Sshh” she hushes you quiet and presses her hips into you again so you’re pressing even harder down onto the vibrations. “You’ll feel good, trust me.”

You want to get off and run the fuck away and you can’t believe she’s doing this yet you stay. You fucking stay as you feel your clit throb and burn and the back of your neck is clammy with sweat. She’s just there on your shoulder watching you torturously. You gasp again as Jeongyeon moves her left hand and palms against your stomach, almost as if she’s trying to keep you upright. Her touch sets your body alight.

“Fuck…” you gasp breathlessly.

You feel warmth and wetness pool in your underwear.

“See the throttle handle? If I twist it toward us, it’ll feel even better.”

You don’t have the opportunity to ask her to elaborate when you see her twist the handle and the engine revs again.

You let out a loud sound that could only be described as a cross between a squeal and a moan.

The seat is now pulsating faster and harder against you. You can almost hear your wetness smack against the seat with every thud.

Your lungs are struggling for air as you gasp and your eyes roll back. You feel shame and desire course through your veins. Eventually the vibrations slow down to what they were again. You watch in anticipation as you see her twist the handle again, this time however she just drags it slowly backward, her wrist applying little pressure, and it only makes the seat pulsate a little.

She giggles deliciously low in your ear.

The pit of your stomach is on fire when you realize she’s teasing you. She’s fucking teasing you.

“You want me to go faster?” she asks lowly.

You think you’re about to fucking faint because your head lulls back into her shoulder and she tightens the grip on your abs. You can’t even fucking hide it any more. She’s got you in her palm.

“Yes,” you hiss wantonly, your breath puffing against her hair as you try twist your neck toward her. You want to fucking kiss her right now.

“Please” you gasp with embarrassing desperation.

She twists the handle fast toward you and you see stars. You’re so wet that your panties and even the baggy pants you have on are sticking to you uncomfortably as the leather vibrates against your folds. You’re so close you start grinding down onto the seat desperately. Your hands are sweating and you can’t even feel your fucking legs. All you hear is her heavy breath in your ear and the pounding of your heart. It’s going almost as fast as the engine. Fuck.

You realize you’re rocking backwards into her but you don’t care, you just need this release.

“Oh my god… I’m gonna… gonna…” you gasp and your voice is uneven and vibrating around in your throat. You hear it echo around the walls.

“By the way” Jeongyeon husks in your ear. “I’ve seen the way you were looking at Sana, you are so hot when you’re jealous.”

“Jeongyeon” her name rattles out from the back of your throat.

She sees right through you.

You gasp as she revs the engine once more and the timing between each thud of the material against your wet sex is literally nanoseconds. Your breathing hitches as you gasp and go tumbling over the edge. Your legs shake and your body flails around in ecstasy. Strong arms somehow manage to keep you steady. Your stomach flips as you feel the blood rush to your head, you feel yourself coming and you almost feel like you’re about to burst a vein in your temple. It’s so hot you can’t breathe.

“Ugh…” you moan again and the engine is still vibrating against you. You’re so sensitive it’s too much to handle.

“Off… switch it off… before… before I fucking explode” you gasp, your arms trying to bend backwards to clutch at Jeongyeon desperately.

Jeongyeon quickly switches the button and turns the keys in the ignition.

The engine dies down and you’re plunged into silence. All you can hear is your heart pounding against your ribcage as you sit leaning back against Jeongyeon, panting frantically for air. Some of your hair is sticking to your scalp because you’ve been sweating so much.

You sit that way for at least a minute and you’re still panting. She isn’t saying anything to you and you feel so fucking embarrassed.

You slide off the bike and you collapse to the floor as your legs are like jelly.

“Careful” Jeongyeon speaks eventually and she’s hopping off the bike too.

“Don’t touch me” you say quickly and scramble backwards on the floor, eventually hitting the wall. You’re still panting; your sex and your ass feel numb. “You… you… had no right to do that.”

Jeongyeon crosses her arms and looks down at you curiously. “You weren’t exactly trying to escape,” she says.

She’s seriously the oddest person you’ve ever met.

“I… that’s not the point,” you bite back, “oh my god, I feel like I’ve had a fucking affair or something” you say quickly with panic as you feel guilt lurch around in your stomach.

“With a motorbike?” Jeongyeon snorts.

“This isn’t funny” you snap at her and place a hand over your heart, it’s still pounding away, you’re worried that it hasn’t at least slowed down by now. “Jeongyeon you said you’d never initiate anything.”

“I didn’t” she says and slumps down in front of you. “This was just glorified masturbation” she shrugs and smirks at you.

You’d laugh if you were in any other mood right now. You feel like kissing her or slapping her. You also feel like crying and getting the hell out this garage with what little dignity you have left.

“You can’t do anything like that ever again, you hear me?” you tell her seriously. “Promise me you won’t ever do that again.”

“OK, you’re right,” and you watch the life leave her eyes a little. She looks down. “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again,” she says and pouts a little at the floor, “I guess I was being a little selfish, I mean, I know I won’t ever get to be with you in that way or at all so that was like the closest I was ever going to get. Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” she divulges quietly.

Fuck.

She looks like a broken person and your heart suddenly stops beating erratically and decides to sink instead.

“Jeongyeon,” you say, your voice still shaking uncontrollably. “I do have… feelings… for you OK?”

Shit.

Her head snaps up and her eyes are shining again, she still looks sad though. Her mouth gapes open a little and she’s watching your lips move with intense concentration.

“I’m confused,” you say quietly.

Well, at least you took Chaeyoung’s advice.

“I… I have all these feelings for you that I haven’t had before, especially for another woman and I… I don’t know what to do about them OK? I’m not sure I’ll ever figure them out, and I’m too scared to admit them or act on them, I have Jackson, I’ve always had Jackson… he’s…” you trail off not really knowing what else to say.

“I know” she nods and she chews the inside of her cheek. “I wish things were different.”

You open your mouth to agree but then you realize what that would imply.

“This is just a phase, right?” you laugh nervously at her instead.

She looks at you sympathetically and sighs. “It seems we have a lot to talk about in our next session Nayeon, I think we should rearrange Tuesday’s appointment so it’s just after your work, if you’re OK with that?”

“Yeah, you work after five?” you ask, and you can’t actually believe you are both having a relatively normal conversation after what you just did.

“No, but I’ll stretch my hours for you” she smirks at you.

“You don’t have to do that” you find yourself smiling sheepishly back.

“I insist” she beams back.

Well fuck. You’re flattered.

“I should uh, go home, it’s probably for the best” you sigh as you stand up and your legs still feel weak. Your underwear is clinging awkwardly to you and you suddenly feel very dirty. An ice cold bath would do right about now.

She stands up after you and nods in agreement.

“I’ll just go get my stuff and leave.”

She nods again and points her thumb behind her. “I could give you a ride?” she smirks.

You roll your eyes and blush. You know she’s kidding but at the same time you’d know she’d gladly give you a ride home. “No,” you laugh a little and lick your lips, your throat is so damn dry, “I don’t think I’ll be able to ever look at that thing the same way again.”

She giggles and puts her hands in her pockets.

You sigh at her and your stomach is feeling all fuzzy again. What the hell is this? Will the feelings ever just stop? You need them to fucking stop, even if just to think for a damn minute.

“D-do you do that… often?” you ask awkwardly, looking toward the motorbike.

She giggles and shakes her head.

“Liar” you smirk at her and lean back against the wall.

“No really, I don’t” she says as she runs her tongue playfully along her front teeth. “I’ve been riding for years so I’m kinda used to it, I just get numbness really, I should be envious of you” she smirks.

You look down and try to conceal your blush; you also try not to mentally visualize Jeongyeon in the throes of climax on her bike. That would be gay and you’re not.

“I-I wasn’t jealous” you feel the need to tell her. Even though it’s a lie.

“Huh?” she tilts her head to the side like a confused puppy.

Ugh. You hate how cute she is.

“About Sana,” you elaborate and ignore the churning in your stomach, “I’m not jealous or anything, I’m not a lesbian either, I can’t be, I’d know.”

Jeongyeon purses her lips and you can’t tell if she’s about to sigh sadly or burst out laughing.

“OK” she says simply instead, her face blank.

“No, really, I’m not” you insist.

“Yup, OK” she nods.

You’re fucking annoyed now because you know, even though you can’t exactly tell by looking at her, that she doesn’t believe you.

“I have nothing against gay people or anything like that,” you say. Oh god, why the fuck are you still talking? “I’m just not…”

“So you’ve said,” Jeongyeon says with a grim smile.

She fucking doesn’t believe you.

“Don’t look at me like that,” you say to her feeling annoyed.

“Like what?”

“Like you don’t fucking believe me.”

She laughs a little and scuffs her boot along the floor, “that’s just your own paranoia Nayeon, I haven’t said anything to indicate I don’t believe you.”

“I… I can just tell OK?” you snap at her and fold your arms in a huff. “I’m leaving now.”

“Yup” she says again and makes a popping sound with her lips.

She’s so fucking cute and annoying and you want to slap her. You hate her. You can’t deal with her.

“Ok well whatever,” you roll your eyes and walk out the garage, you hear her follow behind you. You don’t need to convince her of anything, she’s fucking crazy. You’re not gay. You’re just confused and you were big enough to admit it right? You’re just confused, that’s all. It’s not as if you walk around and gape at other women, it’s just her, so really it’s her that’s confused you. None of this would have happened if you didn’t meet her.

You’re just confused.

“I wasn’t jealous either” you point at her and walk away toward the far end of the garage lot.

She just watches you leave.

“You totally were though” you hear her voice quietly from behind you.

You stop in your tracks and she giggles. She’s laughing at you again and you feel your stomach flutter with annoyance and wooziness. Whatever. Fuck her. You bite your tongue and walk away with your head held high. You’ll be mature for a change. Besides you aren’t jealous.

You really aren’t jealous.

Really.

Not at all.

You’re just confused.


	8. Something Stupid

“Jesus fucking Christ you moron.”

“I-I-I’m sorry ma’am, I’m new here” the coffee man looks at you in alarm over the counter. He looks foreign, and you’re pretty certain he sounds Italian. He scratches his brow and his bushy moustache practically quivers in fear.

You must have some pretty fucking awesome death stare.

You and Jihyo are both in the line at Starbucks and it’s Tuesday but you don’t see Jeongyeon till after your work so your mood is not going to be great anyway, but you’re especially pissed off right now, this moron has gotten your order wrong twice.

Jihyo grabs the side of your arm, “Relax Nayeon,” she says trying to calm you, “you’ll get your coffee.”

“I. Want. A. Peppermint. Mocha” you state slowly to him, pounding your hand on your palm with each syllable. “Not a Caramel Brulée or a Peppermint Frappuccino, which FYI is a totally different thing.”

A blonde woman comes over and gives you your order, “Sorry about the inconvenience, please have this on the house as our means of apology.”

“Thank you,” you say exasperated.

“You are a very mean woman,” the Italian man growls at you.

“Huh, is that right dumbass?” you give a short laugh. “You can suck my dick for all I care” you turn around and quickly walk away to one of the tables, making sure you flip him your middle finger over your shoulder as you go.

You’re especially crabby because for the last two nights you’ve lost sleep thinking about Jeongyeon. Most of your stray thoughts end up reliving the scene in her garage all over again and it saddens you. You’re not sure if you are aroused by it, OK you are, but mostly it just unsettles you. You need to get her out of your head.

“Nice sweater” Jihyo snorts at you as you walk toward your table.

“Fuck off,” you snarl at her. Yeah, you’re wearing the lizard sweater again but it’s cold out and you love it. Big fucking deal. It’s awesome.

“Lord, Nayeon what is up with you today? Are you on your period or something?” Jihyo asks as you both sit down. “Seriously, what is wrong, and don’t say it’s the coffee order I can tell it’s a lot more than that.”

Fuck.

You blink at her and again you are debating whether or not to tell her about everything, last time you held out because you hadn’t really admitted to yourself how you felt about Jeongyeon. Now though things are different, if only slightly, OK, you like Jeongyeon but you’re not gay, you can’t be and you’ve pretty much admitted out loud to Jeongyeon you like her too, although you’re pretty sure the blonde already knew anyway. Why not tell Jihyo? Truth is you’re quite scared really. She’s either going to think you’re a freak or laugh at you, but you feel yourself slowly going crazy so you need to tell someone.

You take a deep breath and look at her, “Jihyo, I need to tell you something and I need you to promise me that you won’t freak out, or judge me.”

Jihyo’s brown eyes go wide, “OK Nayeon spill it because you are really starting to scare me.”

You run your finger along your lip in thought, thinking of how to even put everything into words.

“I… I think I… OK I have feelings for someone who isn’t Jackson” you state and scrunch your face up awaiting the backlash.

You watch as Jihyo’s mouth drops slowly open and instead of drinking her coffee she puts it back down again and stares at you in disbelief.

“OK,” she says slowly, narrowing her eyes at you, “let’s just be rational here, I mean you’ve been with Jackson since high school, right? Having a crush is totally—”

“It’s not a crush,” you interrupt her, at least of that you are certain, “it’s a full-blown feelings thing, like completely drowning in feelings and can’t stop thinking about them and I feel fucking sick most of the time.”

“A-are you serious? Maybe that’s your depression or something.”

You scoff, “Ironically I’m only happy recently when I’m with…” you trail off because you’re almost scared to say ’her’ out loud.

“Who is he? Is it someone I know?” Jihyo asks nervously.

You cringe. Fuck.

“It’s not… I mean… It’s Jeongyeon” you say quickly and your hand clenches around your cup so damn tightly.

“Jeongyeon?” Jihyo repeats slowly as you watch her face contort with confusion. She looks at you then laughs a little. “No seriously Nayeon, tell me who it is.”

You shoot her a look that you hope conveys you are deadly serious and scared as fuck. Jihyo’s eye’s go wide when she realizes you are serious. “Oh,” she says silently, “so you’re…?”

“I don’t know, I’m confused, I mean… yeah… but it’s only Jeongyeon I feel this way with and I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure things out.”

“How long have you known? I mean how did this happen? When? Why?” she asks and she laughs a little like she’s dumbfounded. “What about Jackson? What are you going to do? Have you been having an affair or something?” she frowns at you.

“No,” you say waving your hand dismissively and you feel relief seep out your body, for some reason the other woman isn’t totally freaking out on you and you’re thankful. “I would never do that to Jackson, at least, I don’t think I would…”

She frowns at you more deeply, “I always thought you and Jackson were perfect for each other” she says like her whole view of you as a person has just changed.

“We are!” you insist but the words just don’t ring true leaving your mouth. “Maybe this is nothing, I don’t know.”

“Do you love her?” Jihyo asks.

Your heart stops.

“I-I… I… haven’t thought about that I mean, we’ve not known each other long…” you trail off and get lost in your thoughts. You feel cold all of a sudden. Are you in love with her?

“She’s your counselor though, isn’t that inappropriate? What am I saying? You are getting married in like 9 weeks, that makes it even more inappropriate!”

You suddenly feel like Jihyo’s your fucking mother and she is giving you a lecture over something you haven’t even done. Well, scratch that, there’s no way your mother would care half as much as Jihyo does.

“We haven’t done anything! Technically…”

Jihyo quirks an eyebrow at you and she finally feels comfortable enough with the conversation to start drinking her coffee.

“We haven’t even kissed but she said she likes me and, well, I like her” you say and you kind of choke on your own words. Hearing your own voice say it out loud makes it somehow all the more real. “I really, really like her” you add miserably.

“How much?”

“How much do I like Jeongyeon?” you repeat and she nods as confirmation. You can’t even help the big smile that you feel spreading across your lips. “Ugh, Jeong, she’s so…”

“Jeong now is it?” Jihyo gives a sarky laugh.

“I, whatever” you roll your eyes and feel embarrassed. “She’s just so awesome you know? Like in my counseling sessions she makes me think about things differently but then she’s kind of different when she’s not in her work mode and she’s just even more awesome. She’s so smart and funny and fucking magical and ugh she likes to fix things, and she has this cute dog, oh and did I say she was smart? Cause she’s smart, like totally, but then she says the strangest things and she just reminds me of an excited kid, and god when she looks at me with those eyes I—”

You stop talking when Jihyo’s laugh interrupts you.

“What?” you frown confused.

Jihyo shakes her head in resignation, “I just can’t believe this is happening,” she says laughing.

“What?” you repeat and begin to feel annoyed.

“You’ve got it bad, huh?” she smirks at you.

“N-n-no I don’t I’m just… she’s just my friend and I’m just confused I mean… no… it will pass” you stutter out.

You’re really starting to not believe this will pass though, you’ve been telling yourself for at least the last two weeks the feelings will pass yet they just seem to multiply every time you see her.

“This can’t end well Nayeon,” Jihyo sighs despondently at you, “she could lose her job, you could lose Jackson, not to mention she owns the ranch and there would be terrible implications all round if anybody ever found out.”

“Find out what?” you ask annoyed. “We haven’t done anything!”

“Yet” she says shortly.

You open your mouth to argue but the truth is you’ve found your resolve weaken and weaken every time you’re around Jeongyeon. You were going to kiss her in her garage on Sunday; it was just the angle preventing you, not your own conscience. Which makes you a fucking terrible soon-to-be-wife. You’ve never ever thought about kissing anyone else but Jackson before, never mind a woman.

“Jeongyeon says she would never initiate anything between us,” you say quietly.

“That’s all well and good Nayeon,” Jihyo says beginning to sound impatient, “but the question is, would you?”

“Would I what?”

“Initiate anything with Jeongyeon?”

You stare at her and your heart’s beating a little more annoyingly faster than usual. “N-no, of course not” you try and scoff but you don’t think Jihyo buys it. You don’t think you do either.

“I don’t know what to do” you sigh glumly, “I feel so trapped and out of control, I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’m going through a fucking mid life crisis in my twenties.”

“OK, calm down Nayeon and think” Jihyo says to you calmly and you can tell she’s trying to make you feel better. “Do you still want to be with Jackson?”

“Yeah, I think so” you chew your lip uncertainly. “It’s just, when I’m with her I feel so… she makes me feel so” you sigh fondly and you can’t even put into words how she makes you feel. “Everything is just so fucked up, when I’m with her I never want to leave and when I’m not with her I miss her so much. Like last night Jackson and I were lying hugging on the sofa watching TV like usual and I closed my eyes and I just imagined what if he were Jeongyeon? The thought alone just made me smile.”

“Wow,” Jihyo breathes. “You fell hard and fast didn’t you?”

You blink and look away, your stomach is churning with elation and guilt and you feel like crying but you can’t. You just need to hold out and wait till you’re alone then you can cry. That’s what you usually do. “I do want her to be in my life, I do” you say quietly, “I just can’t take so much of her, then again I can’t take not being around her either, what am I going to do?”

Jihyo gives you a look, a mixture between awkward and sympathy. “Honestly Nayeon? I have no idea, but I will say that considering how quickly you developed feelings for Jeongyeon, maybe they’ll go away just as quickly and you two can be friends? I mean, you’ve been with Jackson for years; he deserves you to at least give your relationship a shot. Maybe this Jeongyeon thing will pass.”

You nod a little, her words giving you a glimmer of hope. You both say your goodbyes, as you need to get back to work. Once you’re back at your desk you stare at your computer screen and Jihyo’s words are replaying over and over in you head. Maybe this Jeongyeon thing will pass.

What if it doesn’t though?

The rest of the day drags in slowly and it’s not until you head out your work place that you turn to go down your usual route home and you suddenly remember you’re going the wrong way. It’s not that you’ve forgotten Jeongyeon; it’s more like you’ve forgotten your routine because you’ve been thinking about Jeongyeon so much.

You’re already in the elevator on the way up to see Jeongyeon and your stomach is stirring nervously. You’re always so damn nervous when you go to see her. Your phone startles you when it starts to ring; you fetch it out your purse and see that it’s Jackson calling you.

“Hey” you smile into your phone and try breathe evenly so your nerves will disappear.

“Hey babe, I hope I’ve caught you just before your session.”

“Yeah, I’m on my way up now actually, but I have time to talk” you say as the elevator makes the familiar binging noise and opens. You walk out and stand by the window looking down onto the streets of Seoul.

“No, it’s nothing important,” comes Jackson’s voice. “I just wanted to tell you that Yugyeom needs help clearing stuff out his garage—”

Jackson continues to talk but as soon as you heard the word garage your mind goes blank. You’re hearing him speak to you but the words aren’t processing. You see Jeongyeon’s smirk in your mind and almost feel her giggle at your side. You feel your body tense.

“Sorry Jackson, what did you say? I kinda zoned out there.”

He laughs down the phone and you feel your stomach pang with guilt.

“Yugyeom needs me to help clear out his garage so I’ll just catch a burger with him, I just wanted to call you and say don’t bother making me dinner, I won’t be home till late.”

“Oh, OK” you sigh. You suppose this is a good thing, maybe you can go around to Jihyo’s and talk some more. There is so much you need to talk about after all.

“I gotta go, I’ll see you later babe, love you.”

You open your mouth but it’s like you’ve suddenly forgotten how to echo those words back. You just stutter and blink and kind of panic.

“Nayeon? You there?”

“I-I love you too, bye,” you stammer quickly and hang up.

Fuck. What the hell was that? You’ve said you love Jackson to him a million times before but now you suddenly feel uncomfortable saying it. You walk down the corridor and round the corner and you’re met with Chaeyoung’s mannerly smile. She’s standing at her desk and putting things into a bag.

“Hey Nayeon,” she smiles at you as she leans over and unplugs the computer.

“Hey, you finished work for today then?” you ask absent-mindedly, your mind still reeling at what just happened.

“Yep, going to go home and soak myself in a nice hot bath” Chaeyoung says smiling to you as she gathers the rest of her things and is heading toward the elevator.

“Sounds nice, good night” you smile at her.

She gives you a little wave in return.

You walk along to room 47 and open the door. Your nerves start multiplying even more but you give the usual smile to Jeongyeon. She’s sitting on the chair; she’s wearing sneakers, baggy pants and a tank top with a light brown hoodie over it. You see the light of the room bounce of the sweat on her brow and collarbone and she looks like she just got here from the gym or something. She looks very normal today, you don’t know if you like it or not.

“Thought you said you didn’t go to the gym” you smirk at her as you close the door and sit down on your usual spot on the sofa.

She smiles coyly back at you, “I wasn’t at the gym, I go jogging. My last appointment was at half three so I had time to kill, besides we have a lot to talk about and I doubt we’ll be able to cover all of it in this session, maybe not even a quarter of it.”

You skew your mouth, “I told you that you shouldn’t have bent your hours to suit me, we should have just spoken at lunch like usual.”

“I’m flexible” she smirks and her eyes dance around your face, momentarily stopping at your lips.

Fuck. You let out a low laugh and just shake your head; she’s really going to kill you one of these days.

She talks to you for a while about your childhood, which is weird because she’s never asked before and besides there’s not much to tell. She quickly moves onto the subject of Jackson and how you met in high school, again you rehash over details that you think are boring and are irrelevant, but she seems to listen intently enough.

“I’m just trying to build up an image in my head of your relationship” Jeongyeon says resting her arm on the armrest and her head on her hand. “I can’t help but feel there is just something fundamentally wrong with your dynamic.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” you frown and cross your arms.

“I don’t know,” Jeongyeon sighs and it takes you by surprise. “I feel like there’s something lacking in your relationship but it’s more of a general feeling than a specific thing. Anyway, I’m thinking out loud. I said last week that we would look into ways of improving your sex life with Jackson and I think for this week we should focus on that only, what do you think it is that’s caused it to decline recently?”

You chew your lip nervously and begin fidgeting with your hands. “Like I said I don’t know, people lose their sex drive all the time, my mood and sleep aren’t helping so” you shrug.

“Oh?” Jeongyeon says surprised. “That didn’t stop you from coming all over my motorbike seat.”

Your stomach leaps up to your damn throat as your heart stops. You blink at her and she just smiles at you politely. Her words echo awkwardly around the room.

“Uh…” you splutter but you honestly don’t know what to say to that. “Well, maybe you just switched me on, isn’t that what you say Jackson does with me?” you roll your eyes at her.

The fucking audacity of her sometimes. She thinks she knows everything.

She just shrugs indifferently and it pisses you off even more. “How do you and Jackson have sex?”

“What do you mean ’how do we have sex’, the usual way, duh” you snarl at her and cross your legs.

“When you orgasm, and I mean when you orgasm for real, not half the time when you fake it or over exaggerate it” she says to you and raises an eyebrow, “is it from penetrative sex?”

Fuck.

You look around and feel so fucking awkward talking about this stuff with her. You scratch the back of your neck and swallow. “Uh yeah I guess.”

“And before that, how long on average do you spend on foreplay?”

“I… I don’t know, it’s not like I fucking time it” you say impatiently. She looks at you like she’s disappointed and you think she knows that you hate that look and now she’s just using it against you. You roll your eyes again. “Ugh, I don’t know, not long, men aren’t all that good with foreplay, are they?”

“Some are” Jeongyeon says unconcernedly. “Do you pleasure each other often, for example, do you message each other? Kiss for long periods of time? Oral sex?”

Fuck.

Her eyes look alive and you just feel like your melting under her gaze. You’re so anxious and uncomfortable. “Not really,” you mumble. “I mean he never really gives me oral and I only sometimes give him, but you know we have good sex I think, what comes before doesn’t really matter does it?”

“I disagree,” Jeongyeon states. “Often the build up is better than the pay off itself, sometimes the build up makes the pay off more intense actually. You see orgasms are around 80% psychological in my opinion so if you just skip right to the action then you’re already lowering your odds of achieving a pleasurable outcome.”

You find your lips twitching into a smile at her, she has a way with words you’ll give her that.

“The next time you have sex with Jackson, I suggest you masturbate a little while beforehand, preferably while he’s kissing you. You can stroke him too. Try do it for at least 20 minutes, it will help.”

You just nod; you really don’t want to talk about this shit any more because it’s making you uncomfortable.

“Of course,” she adds and you look across to her, “you have to be stimulated when masturbating, and like I said sex is largely a mental connection as much as it is a physical. You should think about someone or a situation that turns you on.”

You swallow thickly and look at her. She has a small smirk on her face like she knows; she fucking knows you’ve been thinking about her.

“Jackson then” you say defiantly anyway.

“If that makes you more comfortable” she shrugs and smiles at you.

You fucking want to cry and yell at her for being so indifferent and at the same time being smug.

“But I assume you’ve just started your medication?”

You nod, “Yesterday.”

“Well you may want to wait a few weeks till the medication starts working, you’ll find your mood to be better by then.”

You nod a little again and look at her, she suddenly doesn’t look so smug but more dissatisfied. “What?” you direct at her and uncross your arms, “the thought of Jackson and I having sex just cross your mind?”

You meant it as a joke but it came out seriously and slightly bitter.

Her eyes snap to yours quickly and her pupils grow large like she can’t believe you acknowledged the thing between you, whatever you and her actually were. “Sorry,” you mumble and bow your head in shame, “I shouldn’t have said that, I don’t know why I did.”

“I’m sure the thought of me and someone else has crossed your mind too” she shrugs and looks at you sadly. “But no, that’s not what I was thinking of.”

You look away from Jeongyeon unable to even keep eye contact with her for long. You had hoped your feelings for her would dwindle or that her smart-ass attitude would annoy you or her unprofessionalism would turn you off or that you would realize you just really like her as a friend, maybe so much so because you don’t have many. No matter how many times you tell yourself though none of what you want or hope to happen is happening, and instead your feelings for her are getting more and more intense. You look down and fumble with your hands, your fingertip running along the silver band on your left hand. Jackson’s engagement ring to you, you were so happy when he proposed, or so you thought, lately though it feels tighter around your finger, almost like it’s choking you.

“It’s pretty.”

You snap out of your thoughts and look across to Jeongyeon. She’s smiling politely at you and inclining her head toward your ring.

You feel a lump form the back of your throat, “not as pretty as you” you choke out.

Fuck.

She sucks in her lips and looks at you but you see her face turn red and you just love it. You love that you can see the evidence of her feelings and you wonder if she can see yours.

“Why do you look so sad Nayeon?” Jeongyeon asks you softly.

You give a dry laugh and blink away tears you never even felt coming. “Is that a professional question or a personal one?”

“Both.”

You nod sadly and try to think. “I’m sad because… I have all these feelings for someone who isn’t my fiancée and I don’t know what to do, what would you do? Seriously, tell me, if you were in my position what would you do? Because what I have with Jackson is long standing and great and to throw that away like it’s something flimsy over something that might not last or be real or—”

“Honestly?” Jeongyeon interrupts you. “I tell my patients to listen to their head but follow their heart.”

“Patient,” you mumble and shake your head at her, “is that all you see? When you look at me?”

Her brown eyes glisten and flicker away unsurely but come quickly back to meet your gaze. “No, and that’s one of the problems isn’t it?”

You look at her; she looks so pale and lifeless today, like she hasn’t had much sleep. Her eyes are still bright as ever and her hair looks so soft, she’s still just so beautiful though.

“Which is why,” she continues as she looks at you warily, “I’m considering resigning.”

What the fuck?

Your heart and stomach simultaneously drop and you feel kind of sick. “Y-y-you can’t” you stutter out, baffled. “You can’t just leave me.”

She chews her thin pink lip and looks away from you, “it’s probably for the best,” she mumbles.

She can’t do this to you.

“I used to think I would never get involved with someone who was taken, or more than that, involve myself with one of my patients, they’ve always been morals of mine. Lately though, you make me question everything I ever thought I knew about myself.”

“You make me question everything I ever thought I knew about myself” you parrot her. “But you can’t just leave me, we’ve only just started, you can help me I know you can, I think differently when I’m around you.”

Jeongyeon rolls her eyes a little. “CBT”

“What?” you frown and shake your head petulantly.

“CBT,” she repeats, “cognitive behavioral therapy, that’s part of what I’ve been doing with you, it’s standard practice, anyone as qualified as me can do it, you don’t need me.”

“I do need you!” you practically yell at her.

She looks slightly shocked and the room falls silent.

“Besides, why quit? You’ve got other patients too; you can’t just abandon them all because of me, can you? You’re being selfish.”

You’re so mad at her. Mad that she could leave you so easily and appear to not be upset about it.

“Nayeon,” she sighs quietly and looks down at the back of her hand like she doesn’t want to make eye contact with you. “I’ve been unprofessional but more than that what scares me is how little I care. I’ve been putting you above everything else and I don’t think I can see myself as a good counselor anymore” she says and her bottom lip quivers and she sucks it in.

You want to run across and hug her, but instead your hands clench the edge of the sofa. “Stop punishing yourself over me, OK? You can’t quit, not over me, I’m not worth ruining your life or career over.”

She sighs and looks conflicted; her eyes shift like she’s weighing options up in her mind. “OK, look” she says slowly, “I said I feel like resigning, but you’re right I guess, I should be rational. Which is why, instead, I’m taking a vacation.”

You feel even more annoyed. “What good would that do?”

“Well it would totally clear my head for starters and make me re-evaluate certain things, but I would also have time to think, if I still feel the same in three weeks time then yeah, I’m resigning.”

“3 fucking weeks?” you exclaim. “What am I supposed to do without you?”

She smiles and tilts her head like she pities you. “You won’t stop your sessions Nayeon, I’ll just transfer you to a good co-worker of mine, Miss Hwang, you’ll like her, she’s very sweet and good at her job, I’ll make sure to give her your notes. I might just spend a few weeks at the Wang Ranch, take my mind off things.”

“Well great, just fucking great” you say dryly and stand up. “Some counselor you’ve been, you know none of this would have happened if you didn’t come into my life.”

She stands up too and looks at you curiously, “none of what?”

“I don’t know, e-e-everything, the way I’m feeling, my confusion.”

“Ah,” Jeongyeon says, “I think I’ll leave a note for Miss Bae Joohyun to first of all address your sexuality, because you’re clearly conflicted over it and it’s causing you stress. Besides, I think you may be more comfortable talking about it with a stranger than… well… me.”

You stare at her and you feel embarrassment and anger swirl in the pit of your stomach. “There’s nothing to tell, I’m not gay, it’s not like I want you or I want to call off my wedding so I can be with you, you’re just a fucking phase, a weird fetish if anything. So, fuck off,” you snap at her feeling all of your defenses rise up.

How dare she just assume things, she doesn’t fucking know you.

You spin on your heel as you move to storm out the room. Your hands on the handle ready to open the door to exit when you feel Jeongyeon behind you.

“Nayeon…” she sighs weakly.

You close your eyes and feel guilty about what you just said, you feel your body stiffen and for some reason your hand doesn’t move to open the handle.

“I think I need to hear that again, turn around” she commands you quietly.

Fuck.

You let go of the handle to find your hand is clammy and you turn around slowly. Jeongyeon’s right in front of you and you can see all the shades of brown in her eyes. You can see the sweat still gleam against her skin and you press yourself as much as you can into the door away from her. She boldly presses herself up against you and you just about swoon and pass out. You can smell the intoxicating aroma of her deodorant and it swirls around your head.

“Hear… what… again?” you ask shakily.

Her eyes are glued to your lips intently like she’s soaking in every word that leaves them, yet at the same time seems fascinated by them.

“You said you don’t want me,” she says lowly and her eyelids suddenly look heavy.

Fuck.

You swallow thickly and you suddenly can’t breathe.

“Which” she says slowly and tilts her head leaning into you. You feel the warmth of her body and a spark of electricity jolt around your veins when her breasts push ever so slightly into yours. Holy fuck.

Is she going to…?

You hold your breath and your heart hammers around in your chest. “I don’t believe you meant,” she breathes quietly and her breath hits the side of your face. She comes closer and her nose brushes against your cheek. You feel her smirk as she trails the tip of her nose slowly up the side of your face like a caress and it warms the blood under your skin. You feel your cheeks burn and your heart drum.

Her mouth reaches your ear and she breathes into it heavily. “Tell me you don’t want me.”

Fuck.

You swoon all over again as goosebumps erupt all down your side and the tiny hairs on the back of your neck stand on their ends. You feel a familiar tingle and throb grow between your legs. You fucking can’t deal with this.

“I…” you open your mouth say something but your mind is defunct.

You close your mouth quickly when she trails her nose down your face again and you can’t believe how good it feels, she comes to the corner of your mouth and her nose ever so slightly brushes gently against your upper lip. You gasp as your mouth gapes open subconsciously and you begin to pant. She opens her mouth too and your breaths are clashing against each other in the small space separating you both.

“I don’t… want…” you breathe against her, her darker than usual eyes are roaming your face and she renders you speechless.

Her hands seek out your wrists and she wraps her fingers around them, slowly dragging your arms up against the door till eventually they are above your head. She’s got you pinned up against the door.

“I don’t think you can tell me, can you?”

The back of your thighs and the palm of your hands are sweating and you just let her control your limbs so easily. She’s got your arms above your head and you feel nothing but weak, like your bones melt at her touch.

“Because you do want me, don’t you?”

You whimper and roll your head to the side to look away.

“Say it, tell me you want me” she husks against your cheek and your lips are so close to hers it takes everything you have not to pucker your lips and lean forward an inch just to see what her soft skin would feel like.

You close your eyes and try breathe, “I want you.”

She seems to fall silent at your words and you do too. For what feels like hours but is in fact seconds all you can hear is your own heart pound and you feel like you’re about to pass out.

She brings down your arms gently and you feel her body and heat move away from you. You don’t know if you crave it to come back or want it to stay away forever.

You open your eyes slowly as she lets go of your wrists and brown eyes are looking at you. The blonde looks conflicted, sad and awed all at the same time.

“Well,” she says quietly and suddenly seems to have none of the confidence she had a second ago. “I’m glad you admitted that, but you should leave now before you do something stupid.”

You blink at her and feel the blood return to a normal temperature. “Before I do something stupid?” you repeat perplexed.

What she did was just pretty fucking stupid.

“Yes,” she almost whispers and tucks her hands away behind her back. “You were thinking of kissing me there and I was thinking of kissing you there too but I know I wouldn’t have, and I don’t think you have the same level of restraint. So yes, leave before you do something you’ll regret.”

You feel your breath catch in your thought and you wonder how she does that. Whatever that was.

“I’ll see you in a few weeks Nayeon.”

Before you know it the door to room 47 is shut behind you once again and you almost crumble to your knees feeling completely overwhelmed and once again confused.

You’re certain about one thing though.

You won’t survive without her for 3 weeks and you don’t think you want to even try.

That would be something stupid.


	9. Almost

One week. One whole goddamn week. That’s how long you haven’t seen her, haven’t smelled her, or heard her voice or her cute laugh. You’re miserable now more than ever; it’s hard having someone as awesome as Jeongyeon enter your life just to leave it again. You’ve been very clingy to Jackson as a result, you feel like something is suddenly missing in your life so you’ve been hugging him a lot recently, which is odd because you’re not much of a hugger, but you’ve been doing it anyway. Something about leaning into him makes Jeongyeon’s absence seem less soul-destroying, but ultimately, you’re miserable without her and you think you’re pathetic because you’ve only known her a few weeks, you really shouldn’t be feeling this way. Your heart is heavy and you’re beginning to think your lungs aren’t taking in as much air as they used to, and it can’t be the cigars because amazingly you haven’t had one in weeks, since meeting Jeongyeon you think. Maybe you’ve been less stressed without realizing it.

You’re meeting your Jeongyeon-replacement today Miss Hwang. She left a voicemail saying she’d see you at the same time and in the same room so the transition would “be easier for you”. You roll your eyes at the mere thought, fucking easier? Everything would be easier if Jeongyeon just didn’t leave you high and dry like this. You’re the reason she left though, all of this would never have happened if you weren’t all weird and confused around her. She’s thinking about quitting her job and it is all your fault. You didn’t mean for any of this to happen. You need to see her, talk to her.

You’re taking calls from computer illiterate people again and it’s almost lunchtime but for once you’d rather just stay here. It’s not Jeongyeon you’re seeing so there’s no point. There’s no point in doing anything any more really.

You make your way over as usual anyway simply because you have nothing better to do and ever since you told Jihyo about Jeongyeon she’s did nothing but ask you questions. Questions you don’t even know the answer to.

You head up to the seventh floor and yet again you walk toward the reception area, this time feels different though, you aren’t remotely nervous and it’s a nice break but you also kind of miss feeling nervous. Chaeyoung smiles at you and you smile timidly back, it’s like you both know you’re not here to see Jeongyeon and he looks more sympathetic than usual.

You walk along the familiar corridor and open Room 47. You close the door behind you and offer a pathetic attempt at a smile. Ms. Bae Joohyun is a brunette woman; you guess she must be in her thirties, you’d think she’d actually be pretty if she just changed everything about her. She’s wearing a floral white blouse with a turquoise skirt and bright matching earrings, she looks like she got dressed a few decades early this morning. She has bright enigmatic eyes that have a kindness to them, but also naivety and innocence. She has transparent gloves on her hands and she smiles at you as she scrubs the leather chair Jeongyeon would normally be sitting on now, or slouching on to be more precise.

“Hey there, you must be Nayeon, Jeongyeon told me all about you. Sorry, I like things clean” she says and she puts the cloth in the trash can, snaps off her gloves and finally sits down. You sit down opposite her and just stare. You’re convinced everybody that works here is crazy.

“You can call me Irene”, she says and you just look down at your hands feeling awkward in the silence. “So,” she smiles at you and despite how fidgety and nervous she appears to be you think it’s actually calming you.

“So,” you shrug and try smiling back.

“I was reading through your notes—”

“Jeongyeon keeps notes on me?” you ask quickly.

“Pages,” Irene smiles civilly, “it’s normal to keep notes but I have to say yours are longer than most.”

You chew your lip to fight back a grin. Jeongyeon writes about you, more than she does her other clients. You’d give anything to read those notes, to see what she thinks of you. Then again, you’d be kind of scared to.

“She told me we were to address your sexuality, so I think we should jump right in, what do you say?” she says and does a little fist pump.

Her enthusiasm is endearing, you’ll give her that. You still don’t like her though; this isn’t right, she’s in room 47, which is Jeongyeon’s room. She’s not Jeongyeon.

“So, are you having doubts about your sexuality?” she asks.

“No” you say quickly.

“Huh,” she says seeming confused, “Jeongyeon very much alluded to the notion you were.”

“I… I’m not gay or anything, I’m just confused” you stutter out.

Fuck. You’re not comfortable talking about this but for some reason it does seem easier with a complete stranger.

“Ok, well,” Irene says in a slow but comforting manner, “let’s start from the beginning, shall we? I read that you have a partner, Jackson?”

You nod.

“So, is there someone else in your life that is making you begin to question your sexuality?”

You almost want to say no. Almost.

You decide maybe telling the truth for a change will do you some good, you realize you have to be careful, you don’t want Jeongyeon getting into trouble and you’d never tell a soul about you and her. Not that there was much of a you and her to begin with anyway.

“Sort of” you shrug. “But we haven’t did anything and nothing will ever come of it, her job and my relationship pretty much make it impossible.”

“You seem sad about that,” she notes.

“I… I guess I am” you say quietly and clench your stomach. You can’t cry, but you can feel your sadness simmer in the pit of your stomach.

“You say nothing will ever come of it but tell me, if Jackson weren’t in your life, would you want something to come of it?” Irene asks and tilts her head.

Wow. You’ve never even thought of that, it seems so out of the realms of possibility. “It’s hard to imagine life without Jackson, I’ve been with him since high school” you admit.

“But for a second imagine if you were single, would you want something to happen with this woman?”

You stare at her and before you know it the truth is spilling from your lips before you can stop it, “More than anything.”

“This woman who is making you doubt your sexuality, do you have romantic and/or sexual feelings toward her?”

You nod.

“Which?”

“Both” you say quietly. You can’t believe how the words are just tumbling from your mouth today.

Irene smiles at you, “Well golly, I don’t think you’re confused as you think you are.”

You stare at her, that wasn’t what you were expecting to hear. “What do you mean?” you ask feeling puzzled.

“You seem like a smart woman Nayeon” she says modestly, “and I think you just say you’re confused because you’re scared of labelling your feelings as anything else.”

Fuck. You want her to stop talking.

“Sexuality is fluid but we all fall into categories I think, homosexuals are people who are emotionally and/or physically attracted exclusively to people of the same sex, for bisexuality it’s both sexes and for heterosexuals it’s exclusive to the opposite sex. You’ve pretty much just admitted your feelings for another woman, so that rules out you being heterosexual, wouldn’t you agree? Wouldn’t you say that’s progress?” she asks cheerily.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about” you snap at her and fold your arms, “I am straight, can’t a person just, I dunno, be gay for one person?”

She laughs softly at your words and her enigmatic eyes blink at you sympathetically. “No Nayeon, I don’t think it quite works like that.”

“Why not?”

“In my experience with people, it often takes something or someone external to realize their sexuality, people don’t just wake up one day and realize they are gay, it’s a process. It may be a character from a television show, or movie or a famous person that they realize they are attracted to, or someone in their own lives. The point is if you’re attracted to someone of the same sex then it’s entirely possible and likely for you to be attracted to another person of the same sex too. If this woman hadn’t come into your life, it would have been another woman further down the line, somewhere, someone, eventually. Something or someone would have made you realize your sexuality and for some that doesn’t happen till late in life, some it happens early. For women to discover themselves at your age is not uncommon, you’re still very young and you shouldn’t feel bad about not realizing sooner.”

You stare at her open mouthed and you feel like you’re going to panic. “Y-you’re lying, I would never feel the same way about another woman the way I do with… this woman…” you stutter, trying not to say Jeongyeon’s name.

“I think that just goes to show the intensity of your feelings rather than the exceptional circumstance in which you feel, that is to say you must be so besotted by this woman that you’d never consider anyone else. That just further proves the point that this isn’t a phase or anything else you might have thought, like being ’confused’ as you called it. The truth is phases don’t really exist, not in this context, heterosexual woman can admire and appreciate the beauty of another woman but have no romantic or sexual feelings at all as can non-heterosexual women, but if the feelings are there for at least one woman then you are feeling emotions and sensations a straight woman would never experience. By definition this does not make you heterosexual. Teenagers experiment all the time; straight people would try something just for the social fun of it but realize it’s not them or realize it is in fact part of them. You seem to be experiencing things the opposite way around though and it’s not uncommon — you seem to have all the emotional and some of the objective attractions without the physicality of acting on them, but it doesn’t make those attractions any less valid, in fact I’d argue it makes them even more valid. You must really like this woman very much.”

You’re speechless. Fucking speechless. You’re either going to throw up, yell at her or burst out crying.

“Reading your notes and meeting you now Nayeon, I’d say your issue now is knowing yourself. You need to search deep within yourself and discover whether you are genuinely attracted to either genders or whether you’ve been masquerading by default as heterosexual when in fact all your natural inclinations are exclusively homosexual. Either way you should love yourself and be proud of this new part of yourself you’ve discovered.”

“Can I leave now? I want to leave” you say firmly but your voice is trembling.

You need to get out of here.

“Uh… yeah… sure, I’m only available to see you on Tuesdays so I guess I’ll see you next week.”

You nod and you want to stand up but your legs aren’t listening, you have so many thoughts going through your head right now.

“Nayeon?” Irene says to you with concern, “are you OK? Would you like some water?”

“No,” you say and shake your hand at her. You slowly stand up and you feel confused. “I need to go back to work, thanks.”

You think she calls after you but you don’t hear her, you’re already walking out the room and past Chaeyoung who you don’t even say goodbye to. You feel like a zombie, walking but not really thinking. Before you know it, you blink and you’re at your desk once again. You begin to feel angry. Who the fuck does she think she is? Isn’t she meant to ease you into these conversations? How dare she just assume things about you. You’re mad. You’re pretty sure she was being too full on and you think Jeongyeon would actually agree with you. You need to see her, you need to complain about her to Irene, she’ll be all regretful and mad and she’ll come back, right? Right?

Right.

Later on, that night you toss and turn in bed and you feel too annoyed; you turn your back on Jackson and lie facing the wall. You just need to sleep.

“Hey babe, you OK?” Jackson whispers to you and he presses up against your back.

You stiffen uncomfortably a little. “Uh… yeah”

He kisses you lightly on the back of your neck and then your shoulder “I can think of something that’ll tire you out” he smirks against your skin.

You suddenly can’t breathe and what feels like panic starts swirling around inside of you. What the fuck is wrong? You’ve never panicked before when Jackson’s touched you, why now?

You clear your throat awkwardly “Uh, I’m not really in the mood.”

You hear annoyance laced in his sigh and you cringe. “You’re never in the mood recently.”

“I… sorry… I… I just had a really intense session today, and I’m just stressed, OK?”

“Fine,” he says shortly and you feel him roll away from you. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.

“No… but I just don’t like this new woman I have. I need to see Jeongyeon” you try slip into the conversation casually. “You think maybe we can go over at the weekend to the ranch?”

“Can’t babe” you hear him yawn from behind you. “I’m working on Saturday, the release date of a major title is soon and we’re all working over time to fix bugs and polish the game off.”

“Oh” you breathe in disappointment.

“Hey, you don’t have to go with me, if you really need to see your therapist and your friend, just go, you know how to get there.”

“Really?” you ask surprised, you feel like you need his permission, his approval.

You’ve never been to the ranch without him.

“Yeah,” he laughs a little “just go, I’ll be working anyway.”

You roll over to him and smile with relief; you lean over and kiss him hard on the cheek. “Thanks” you whisper.

“I didn’t do anything” he smirks at the ceiling goofily.

“No but just thanks for being so… supportive… I promise things will get better, I’ll get better, we’ll both be really happy after we marry, I promise.”

He smiles at you and yawns some more, “I believe you, goodnight Nayeon.”

You can’t really sleep though so you just watch him fall asleep. Will things really get better after you marry? Will this uncertainty and insecurity vanish? It has to. For your own sanity you think, it simply has to.

On Friday you decide to lie to your boss as say you have a doctor’s appointment, when really you just want to start your long car journey so you’re at least over there by late afternoon instead of late night. You pack a few things to wear, throw on a loose-fitting purple sweater and skinny jeans and buy some candy to chew on the way there. You know the way but Jackson’s always been the one driving so you turn on the sat-nav just to make sure you don’t get lost.

You feel really nervous but excited. You’re going to see Jeongyeon, you only hope she isn’t mad at you. You need to tell her to come back, you need her now more than ever. You listen to the radio as you drive and you love that you can sing out loud along to the songs. You’ve never sung in front of anyone before, you only sing in the shower and when you’re alone. It’s kind of pathetic that you want to sing for a living yet your own boyfriend doesn’t really know what your singing voice sounds like. You start to feel tired by the time you hit traffic in Wonju but you stop and buy an energy drink and will yourself to stay awake.

A few hours later you’re driving along the empty grain road that Jeongyeon rescued you and Jackson from, you hope this piece of shit truck doesn’t break down again because if you need to phone her for help a second time, well, you don’t want to think about that. The universe has a way of screwing you over though so you don’t want to jinx it.

This is totally normal you think, driving for hours across cities to see a woman for all intents and purposes you still hardly know. Yep. Normal. What are you saying? She took a vacation because she needed to get away from you and you’re just going to show up unannounced? Fuck your life. Maybe you should just turn back, you’ve reached a whole new level of creepiness. You keep driving though, you now have sympathy for Jacksonhaving to drive here every few weeks, it’s really hard trying to keep your eyes open but you think about why you’re going and shudder as you yawn willing yourself to just stay awake a little longer.

Why is it exactly you’re going again?

To see Jeongyeon.

Right.

Miss Bae Joohyun’s words are still swirling around in your head and you need to complain about her to Jeongyeon. You need to tell her to stop being so selfish and just come back and counsel you like usual, you don’t like that other woman. Everything will be fine if you and Jeongyeon just stay at least 5 feet apart and she counsels you. That’s workable right?

You drive up the hill and park into the driveway once you’re there, the sky is burning amber and you’re exhausted. You suddenly feel really nervous, you’ve never been here without Jackson before, what do you say? You kind of feel like you’re trespassing or something. You feel like you really shouldn’t be here. You walk up onto the porch and open the door into the kitchen. Mrs. Wang comes through from the living room looking startled.

“Nayeon dear? What’re doing here?” she asks looking shocked but pleased to see you nevertheless.

“Uh hi,” you smile awkwardly back.

“Where’s Jackson?” she asks peering over your shoulder like she expects him to come in with your stuff any second.

“He’s back in the city, it’s just me” you smile, “I heard Jeongyeon was here so… I came down for the weekend just to hang out you know? Work’s been stressful and Jackson’s working tomorrow anyway so I thought why not come over?” you say trying to be as casual as you can.

It’s official. You, Im Nayeon, are a fucking stalker.

“Oh, well come on in, do you want something to eat? Of course, you do, we have some left over meatloaf from dinner, I’ll heat it up for you.”

“OK,” you nod and nervously rub your sweaty palms up and down your thighs. She isn’t totally freaking out or suspicious so everything is fine, you think. “Uh, do you know where Jeongyeon is?”

“That girl is down by the cornfields experimenting with the land she says,” Mrs. Wang chuckles fondly. “She’s using the water hose, just follow it down the hill and I’m sure it’ll lead you to her.”

You have no idea what she’s talking about but you can tell she really likes Jeongyeon already and you don’t blame her — it’s impossible not to like Jeongyeon. Mrs. Wang tells you dinner will be ready in 10 minutes and that you were to tell Jeongyeon to join you at the table too. You thank her as you step out onto the porch and try breathing a little. OK. You need to focus. You’re just here to see a friend, right? There’s nothing unusual about that, Mrs. Wang didn’t find it unusual. Everything’s fine.

You walk around the house and see the green hosepipe come from the back of the house and down the hill toward the cornfields. You follow it, slipping down the hill a little on the mud until you stumble on the ground below. You follow the pipe and look into the distance, you can see a figure against the sunset and you know its Jeongyeon, she’s at the very far edge of where the cornfields stop. You walk quickly, suddenly finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other till you get closer and closer toward her. Once you get close enough you see that she has her back to you and is sprinkling some water over a fresh patch of upturned land. She has her short blonde hair tied back in a mini ponytail, jean shorts on with sandals and white socks and short denim jacket on with a pink top underneath. You’re a little out of breath by the time you reach her.

“No overalls today then huh?” you try be charming but what escapes your lips sounds more like a nervous wreck.

Jeongyeon turns around quickly and switches the water flow off. She stares open mouthed at you for a fraction of a second and her wide brown eyes suddenly look a little warmer. She’s smiling a little now but still frowning at you.

“Nayeon?” she says and it comes out more like a question, she tilts her head to the side like she normally does when she’s confused. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh… well… I… uh… was in the neighborhood and,” you trail off and roll your eyes but you’re glad to see her smile widened at your feeble attempt at being funny. She seems really amused and you’re just nervous. “OK,” you say frankly and slump your shoulders, “My very wise therapist told me once that I should listen to my head but follow my heart and somehow it led me here. I just wanted to say hi.”

She stares at you like you’re from a different planet but also like she wants to know what that planet is and maybe come back to it with you. You don’t fucking know anymore how she makes you feel, all you know is that you like it and you need more of it.

“So, you came all the way out here to say hi to me? Nayeon, I don’t know if I should hug you or call the police.”

You’d gladly take the hug.

You laugh nervously and your stomach is churning, “Sorry I didn’t mean to be stalkerish, I now I realize I am so, I mean obviously, you came here to get away from me so—”

“Wait,” she interjects and her eyes are studying you. “You think I took a vacation to get away from you?” she says and she sounds surprised.

“Well yeah” you mumble and look at the ground.

She giggles and your eyes shoot back up to meet hers as a smile spreads across both your faces. God, you’ve missed that laugh.

“I didn’t take a vacation to necessarily get away from you silly, I told you I just needed time to think, not everything revolves around you,” she says softly.

You now feel fucking stupid.

“What are you doing out here anyway?” you ask curiously and you feel yourself giggle a little, you want to change the subject but you feel all fuzzy and tickly inside, you think her smile does that to you.

“Oh, well I found out Mrs. Wang and co. make a lot of money but most of it gets pumped back into maintaining this place and well, they don’t really have the money to splurge a little, I mean have you seen the size of their TV? It’s tiny, it’s like a TV for mice.”

You laugh and feel your heart flutter. Ugh. You’ve missed her cuteness. “I don’t think mice watch TV, Jeong” you grin at her.

“You don’t know that,” she says monotonously and swings the hose casually in her hand. “Anyways, they make a lot of produce here like corn, milk and wood and things like that so I’m just seeing if this land here can grow wheat. That way they can grow their own wheat and maybe even export their own bread, and if not well, I’ll just make super awesome yummy bread to eat.”

“Super awesome yummy bread?” you grin stupidly at her.

She nods “Super awesome yummy bread” she repeats. She looks uncertainly at you for a second and her smile fades a little, “Where’s Jackson?”

“Oh,” you sigh a little and shift on your feet awkwardly, “he’s not here, and he’s working tomorrow anyway” you shrug.

“I see,” Jeongyeon sighs and she almost seems sad, she looks down and twiddles with the water hose nozzle.

“Hey, sorry I just I really needed to talk to you about Irene and well, I can go home if you don’t want me here—”

“Don’t be silly Nayeon, you’re here now” she smiles at you. “What about Irene did you want to discuss? Is there a problem?”

“She has no fucking idea what she’s talking about, like seriously, how am I supposed to take advice from a 1950’s housewife who just looks like she arrived here from her damn time machine.”

“Nayeon,” Jeongyeon scolds you disapprovingly, putting her hands on her hips. “Irene doesn’t have a time machine, believe me, I’d know, besides I tried making my own and if I can’t make one there’s no way she can” she smirks at you.

You open your mouth to say something but you don’t know what, you just laugh woozily at her and swoon a little. You never know when to take her seriously and when not to, she’s always keeping you on your toes.

“What exactly did she say that upset you?” she asks more seriously.

You stare at her. You don’t remember telling Jeongyeon that something upset you but now that you’re thinking about it you guess she did. You tell her everything, word for word, the conversation you had with Irene on Tuesday afternoon. You decide not to include your mini-panic you had with Jackson, besides there’s no real need to mention it right?

“I don’t see anything wrong with what she said,” she shrugs, turns the water back on and sprays over the crops.

“What?” you ask annoyed, for some reason you were expecting Jeongyeon to agree with you.

“She explained sexuality rather well, and how she personally saw yours, I would have said exactly the same to be honest, give or take a few things.”

“W-w-well you’re both wrong cause I’m not—”

“Look Nayeon,” Jeongyeon sighs impatiently and turns the water flow back off. She turns to you with a sympathetic look in her eye, “other people can have opinions on your sexuality, but ultimately nobody knows your sexual orientation apart from you. Everybody works it out or realizes it in different ways, unfortunately its one of those things in life that you can receive help and support with but ultimately you have to do the hard part, the figuring out part, by yourself. For some people it’s easy, for others it isn’t. That’s just the way it is.”

You stare at her and your stomach feels really light, you sense a creeping sensation up your spine and you feel kind of sick. It’s like you’re just abruptly having your own epiphany and you’re looking at Jeongyeon but not really seeing her, suddenly random memories flash before your eyes and you remember old feelings like they were yesterday. Maybe the reason why you were never really interested that much in boys when you were younger like your friends were, was because of this, maybe this is why you always felt more comfortable around women, you always did prefer playing with them in the playground and sitting next to them in class. You always preferred your female teachers, employers, and celebrities. Suddenly everything is hitting you and you wonder why you never saw it before. This doesn’t necessarily mean anything, though right? You love Jackson, at least you think you do but is it the same way you would love a woman? A woman like Jeongyeon?

You blink and are met with brown eyes once more, reeling you out of your thoughts. Jeongyeon skews her mouth into a tilting smile and gazes at you with a knowing look. “Something just click in your mind Nayeon?”

You let out a tiny breath. “I… I don’t know, I don’t really want to talk about it” you mumble unsteadily. “I don’t know, you’re bisexual right? Maybe I’m like you,” you say quickly.

Fuck.

You’re shocked that you thought that, but even more shocked that you said it out loud as soon as you thought it.

Jeongyeon however doesn’t look phased at all by your words. “Maybe,” she just shrugs nonchalantly.

“You don’t agree?” you ask, taken aback.

“I think only you know and need to figure it out,” she smiles calmly at you, “but I think it’s progress that you’re thinking outside the box, you’re at least considering the possibility that you might not be heterosexual and that’s a good sign, it’s a sign that you’re thinking about your life and yourself differently. Yeah, seeing Irene was a good idea, I want you to stick with her for a while” she says like your words have reaffirmed her decision to leave you.

This isn’t going to plan, you came here to get her to come back and now she looks glad she left.

You swallow thickly and just nod at her. You came all the way here to get her opinion and it turns out it’s the same as Irene’s, you’re not going to lie, you trust Jeongyeon’s judgement implicitly. You don’t know now whether you agree or not, you’re sick of thinking about it though.

“I’m proud of you,” she adds, smiling softly, her eyes glowing with what you can only describe as pride.

You blink a little and look away. Your heart beats uncomfortably in your throat and you clear it a little. She makes you sweat under her gaze alone and you feel a little teary. She just makes you feel so much from such little and it still scares you.

“Thanks” you say back quietly.

“It’s a shame, if I knew you were coming, I would have brought the bike with me” Jeongyeon suddenly smirks, like she knows you’re upset so she’s trying to lighten the mood.

You hate but love the way she gets you.

“You never brought it?” you ask, a little disappointed.

“Nah, I rented a car so I could bring Lucy over, I was right, she loves this place,” Jeongyeon flashes a grin at you.

“Lucy’s here?” you manage to smile a little again, “Where is she?”

“Huh,” Jeongyeon says slowly, raises her hand above her head and looks around, “I dunno actually” she says as she scrunches up her nose, her brown eyes deep in thought.

She’s so adorable.

Jeongyeon puts her thumb and middle finger in her mouth a little and makes a loud whistling noise. You jump a little at how loud it is and you’re impressed, you’ve never been able to whistle like that. You both stand still and you don’t see or hear anything.

Suddenly you look to your left and see the top of the cornfields shimmer making a line getting closer and closer to you like something is moving past them fast and parting them. You hear a little jingle of a dog collar and before you know it a familiar golden blonde retriever comes pouncing out the edge of the cornfields and is now running toward you. You grin but you feel it fade as the dog is still bounding its way toward you. Like seriously, it’s coming right at you.

Oh shit.

Slam.

Lucy pounces right at you, her paws on each of your shoulders and you go staggering backwards, your ass hitting the grass. Curious paws are all over you and you feel a wet sloppy tongue run itself along your face.

“Argh,” you roll around on the grass and try bring your arms up to shield your face but that just makes the damn dog all the more determined to lick it.

“S-s-stop, ha… stop… haha” you try shout angrily at her but you end up giggling uncontrollably on the ground. Your whole body is rolling from side to side and you can’t stop laughing. She’s tickling you.

You hear a familiar giggle come closer to you, “Shoo Lucy, that’s enough.”

Lucy whines and cowers away behind Jeongyeon’s legs but still looks at you, her tail wagging happily.

You wipe your face with the arm of your sweater and look up to bright brown eyes that are shining down at you. You kind of forget to breathe for a second.

“Sorry, Lucy has a tendency to do things I want to do but that are socially unacceptable” Jeongyeon smirks down at you and holds out a hand.

You stare back up at her in awe and you want to laugh but her eyes are just mesmerizing you. You reach your hand up and she clasps hers firmly around yours, pulling you up to your feet with a strength you’ve come to expect from her.

You’re both standing close now and her face is looking all over yours inquisitively with an amused smirk. You look down and she’s still grasping your hand tightly. It’s warm and soft and is sending shooting tingly feelings up your arm. You kind of feel lightheaded.

“Uh… meatloaf” you blurt out, looking from her hand to her eyes.

Why are you always such a fucking idiot around her?

She smirks a little and you can tell she’s trying to hold back a laugh. “Care to elaborate gorgeous?”

“Uh…” you let out a shaky breath and you actually feel yourself swoon and fall backwards but Jeongyeon’s hand keeps you upright. Your hearts hammering and your stomach feels so elated you think it’s actually going to leap up and out your damn mouth just to say hi. “Mrs. Wang is cooking us meatloaf.”

“Oh, yum” she says quietly but she’s not really looking at you, she’s looking at your lips, that way she sometimes does like she physically wants to see how each word leaves them. You lick your lips aware of her staring and her eyes flicker back up to yours. She’s not even subtle and you don’t think you ever want her to be.

The tingly feeling that was engulfing your hand is gone as you realize Jeongyeon’s let go of your hand and she’s taken a few steps back. A smirk is dancing across her lips but it’s a different kind, it looks mischievous. You wonder what she’s thinking or what she’s up to but you soon find out as she slowly raises the water hose that she still has in her other hand and points it right at you.

Your cringe and scrunch your face up.

“You fucking wouldn’t, I swear Jeong I will actually kill you if you spray that in my face and trust me this place is huge enough, they’d never find your body.”

You hear her giggle but it’s laced this time with notions of power play. You will seriously kill her if she sprays that at you.

You open your eyes and she’s lowered it a little but she’s still glaring at you with an evil glint in her eye. Well, about as cutely evil as Jeongyeon can get.

“I could soak you right now if I wanted” she says lowly.

Fuck. You stutter out a few sounds but you don’t think they are actually words. “What do you want?” you ask her. “Cause seriously, I will mess up your pretty little face if you do this” you try say in a warning tone but it probably doesn’t come out all that serious when you’re grinning at her like an idiot.

“Tell me one thing truthfully and I won’t give you a shower,” she says with smirk and steps closer to you.

“Fine anything” you say quickly, shutting your eyes, still bracing yourself.

“Why did you come here?”

You open your eyes and she’s looking at you sincerely.

“I told you.”

“Except I don’t believe you,” she says, a smile tugging the corner of her lips. “You came all the way down here just to talk about Irene? You could have called me.”

“I don’t have your number,” you counter.

“Jihyo does, you could have just asked.”

You stutter and open your mouth to argue but nothing comes out.

“Tell me why it was so urgent for you to see me,” she says and points the hose at you playfully. You watch with anticipation as her finger slowly moves down onto the button to release the water and…

“OK, OK!” you hold your hands up in surrender. “I… I missed you OK? I came here because I missed you” you say quickly.

Your hands are still up over your face and they are trembling.

Fuck.

You hear and feel her come closer until she’s standing right in front of you. “Nayeon,” she sighs gently and it causes your arms to fall limp at your sides. “That’s creepy” she smirks.

You feel your cheeks flush and you look away in shame. She’s mocking you and she has every right.

“But mostly it’s just sweet” she adds smiling at you in wonder. “I missed you too.”

You open your mouth but instead of speaking you just gulp in air and nod dumbly at her. She giggles and pats your arm playfully, “C’mon we should go have dinner.”

You open your mouth to say “OK” but not even that comes out properly.

You wonder when she’s going to stop awing you.

Maybe never.

You think you’re fine with that.

Later on, that night you say your goodnights and climb into bed, it’s kind of weird without Jackson yet you have the entire bed to yourself for a change. Maybe you’ll sleep a little better. You actually fall asleep pretty quickly and you’re thankful because you’ve had nothing but broken sleep all week, and it’s been worse that usual since your meeting with Irene on Tuesday.

Splat.

You awake with a startle and your eyes shoot open when you feel something hit your head. You have no idea what time it is but it still looks dark. You grumble, broken sleep once again, you’re probably just imagining things.

Splat.

You sit up right. OK you didn’t imagine that and you felt it. You raise your hand to your head and it’s wet. You look up, your vision still blurry from sleep but you make out a droplet of water dripping from the ceiling and landing on your pillow.

Just fucking great.

Once your vision becomes more focused you switch on the lamp, climb out of bed and look at the ceiling. There isn’t a hole or anything but there’s a patch that looks damp and water keeps dropping from it. You climb back into bed and just lie on Jackson’s side instead; you don’t have the energy for this. You try fall back asleep but you hear the tapping of the water hitting the pillow and you’re so fucking annoyed, you were in a pretty decent sleep and now this. You sigh and sit up. There’s no way you’re sleeping in beside Teddy, and there’s only two other spare rooms. The one up above you in the loft, but it looks like that’s where the leak is coming from and it’s freezing up there.

Or you could always sleep in beside Jeongyeon.

Fuck.

You thought about it as soon as you realized but you didn’t want to admit it. You switch off the lamp and tiptoe out into the hall. It’s really cold and you just really need to sleep. You stand in the middle of the hall for about ten minutes, chewing your nails and staring at the door you know Jeongyeon’s sleeping behind. You’re so god damn nervous, maybe you should just go back and sleep on the floor. Fuck it.

You open the door and close it behind you silently, you see the back of Jeongyeon’s head, she’s all wrapped up in the covers and her golden hair is sprawled all across the pillow. You find yourself smiling. You creep toward the bed and clear your throat a little.

“Uh… Jeong?” you whisper into the darkness.

“Huh? What?” she turns around groggily.

The covers fall down from her shoulder as she turns around on her back and you see the small mounds of her breasts.

“Fuck” you gasp and cover your eyes, “you’re not wearing a bra Jeongyeon,” you hiss at her.

You hear her giggle a little and it sounds even cuter when her throat is thick with sleep. “I’m not wearing anything, I told you I sleep naked.”

You can hear the smirk in her voice, your hands still over your eyes. “Well look, I need to sleep in beside you cause there’s water leaking from my ceiling and I just need sleep OK? I won’t be able to sleep if you’re gonna be naked and all up on me so just put something on and let me come in beside you” you say quickly.

“Water leaking? Huh, that’s strange” she yawns and you hear her get up out of the bed. “I’ll look at it tomorrow. Uhm Nayeon?” she says slowly, her tone is playful but laced with guilt.

“What now?” you grumble, your hand pressing harder against your eyelids.

“I don’t have anything to wear, well I have panties obviously but I don’t have a bra with me, you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

You fucking hate her.

You don’t say anything but she must’ve seen your jaw clench because she giggles a little. “OK I’ve got underwear on and I’ll go under the covers so you won’t see anything.”

“Fine” you say shortly.

Eventually you climb into bed and just stare at the ceiling, you don’t want to accidently see anything so you don’t bother looking at her. “Thanks, goodnight Jeong.”

“Goodnight Nayeon.”

You eventually fall asleep not knowing what time it is. A little while later you feel your body buzz and your heart race and you think that this ceiling can’t possibly be leaking too can it? You open your eyes slowly and it’s still dark. Your whole body freezes though when you realize why you’ve woken up. Jeongyeon’s nuzzled right into your side, her face buried into the crook of your neck, her light breath traveling down the side of your throat and tickling your collarbone. You have shivers all down the right side of your body. You look down and realize the covers are half way off you both. She has her arm over your front just under your boobs and one of her thighs are raised and hanging over your leg lazily.

You cannot fucking breathe.

You chew your lips as hard as you can when you look down and see her perky pink and slightly hard nipple graze the side of your arm as she shuffles a little, she hums against your skin and you feel it vibrate in the blood beneath it.

Holy fuck you’re going to die.

You stare at her nipple and you wonder what the hell you done to deserve this. You swallow thickly and try not to think about anything. You just need to fall asleep again and maybe you’ll wake up and she’ll be in a different position. You do remember Chaeyoung saying she was clingy though.

You feel kind of panicky but also elated. As much as this is freaking you out and as much as you hate her for torturing you, even in her sleep it seems you’re kind of strangely relaxed. You feel the slow beat of your heart and feel it slightly in-between your legs.

You look down at her body in awe. She’s so beautiful. You look at the arm she has draped over your stomach and you want to touch her, you want to just feel her.

You feel her breath tickle your skin with each exhale and it makes your heart flutter every time. She seems in a deep sleep at least.

Feeling slightly brave you raise your left hand and it’s trembling in anticipation but you hover it over her forearm and you’re finding it harder and harder to breathe. She’s sending tingles all over your body and she’s not even conscious.

You give a sigh in relief almost as you trace your fingertips up the pale skin on her forearm; it’s so smooth and tingly. You reach her elbow and trace all the way up to her shoulder and back down again. You stroke her back and forth and you’re beginning to feel sleepy yourself at the motion.

You’re strangely happy and content.

You feel your eyelids get heavier and you pause your motions.

“Don’t stop” Jeongyeon mumbles against your neck, her lips tickling the skin there.

She reels you right out of your drowsiness and your eyes go wide and your heart is back to beating hard and fast.

“W-what?” you breathe silently out, choking on your words as you feel her breast push harder against the side of your arm.

“Don’t stop,” she repeats groggily, “you were touching my arm and it felt really good,” she whispers against you.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head and you can’t stand it.

“OK” you reply shakily.

“Goodnight Nayeon” she says once more as you begin tracing your fingertips carefully along her arm.

You don’t really have the energy or concentration to reply so you just continue stroking her arm till you feel your heart settle once again. It takes a long while and you’re sure Jeongyeon’s fallen back asleep because her breathing has changed again.

You keep stroking her though.

You really want to turn your head toward her and maybe kiss her on the forehead, but you decide against it. That would be cheating right?

You almost do it though, you think as you slip into slumber.

Almost.


	10. Hittin' the Hay

You shift a little in bed and feel faint sunlight hit the back of your eyelids. You smile, too content to even open your eyes, and despite everything, that was probably one of the best sleeps you’ve had in forever. You’re relieved a little when you don’t feel Jeongyeon’s body pressed up against yours and you think maybe she’s already up or she’s just rolled away from you. You don’t think you care, you’re far too relaxed right now, part of you just wants to go back to sleep.

You feel Jeongyeon shift next to you and feel her come closer until she’s beside your ear. Your stomach flips when she suddenly licks the ridge of your ear.

“Jeongyeon, we can’t” you breathe out unevenly, your hand clutching the bed covers.

“Can’t what?” you hear Jeongyeon ask but her voice is much further away. Your eyes shoot open and you look to your right. Lucy is lying on the bed next to you, her head tilted to the side and staring at you oddly.

Your stomach flips again when Jeongyeon giggles, she’s standing at the doorway.

You groan and shut your eyes, feeling your cheeks tinge with embarrassment.

A goddamn dog licking your ear just turned you on.

You put your hands over your face and you hear Jeongyeon walk closer until you feel her weight sit down on the bed next to you. She’s still giggling and you don’t have the guts to look at her right now, you’re always making a fool of yourself around her.

“Nayeon,” she singsongs and it makes your heart flutter, “C’mon it’s not that bad, just look at me.”

Unwillingly you drop your hands from your face and look at her, your eyes still a little blurry from sleep. She’s smiling down at you, you notice she’s wearing her overalls and boots and you wonder how long she’s been up and what she’s been doing.

“To be honest I’m kind of offended, there’s no way I’d be that sloppy with my tongue” Jeongyeon smirks at you. “And, that’s not exactly the first place I’d tongue you either” she says shyly.

You let out a breath you weren’t aware you were holding and smile at her nervously, your stomach doing cartwheels and between your legs doing god knows what. She’s only sitting next to you and there’s covers separating your bodies but you already feel like she’s too close and you can’t concentrate.

“You said you’d never initiate anything so I should have known” you say and give an awkward laugh.

You feel too vulnerable lying down with her looking over you so you sit up slowly, your hands clinging tightly to the top of the covers. You clap over Lucy’s head to give your hands something to do.

“I figured out what the water dripping was,” she says to you like she senses you’re uncomfortable.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, the en suite toilet upstairs, the shower pipe was blocked and water was over leaking and pooling in the space below. Basically, there was a puddle and it soaked through the ceiling a little, but it should be fine now” she says and smiles at you politely.

“OK,” you nod and you feel weirdly disappointed for some reason. “Thanks, Jeongyeon.”

“No problem, Mrs. Wang has made soup, you should come down and join us,” she says and stands up walking away to the door, flashes you a smile and leaves.

You let out a sigh in relief. God. Why did you come here again? You think she’s going to kill you. You get up brush your hair, wash your face and dress into denim shorts and a plain white t-shirt.

A little while later you go down into the kitchen and Mrs. Wang, Teddy and Jeongyeon are all sitting at the dining table eating soup and chatting.

“Good morning Nayeon, I left your bowl by the cooker” Mrs. Wang smiles at you.

“Thanks,” you mumble, your eyes immediately locking with brown but you quickly look away. It’s so weird having her here; you can feel her eyes constantly on you.

You pick up your bowl of soup and you sit next to Teddy, opposite Jeongyeon and Mrs. Wang.

“We were just talking about your Wedding” Mrs. Wang beams at you.

“W-w-were you?” you stutter out nervously and look at Jeongyeon but she looks down at her bowl silently.

“I was just saying Jeongyeon here should be your bridesmaid, how cool would that be, she’s practically part of the family now!”

You feel the blood drain from your face and you look at Jeongyeon and she just smiles sadly at you, looking embarrassed.

“Oh… I don’t know… Jihyo’s already my bridesmaid—”

“You can have more than one, silly woman!” Mrs. Wang chuckles at you. “Jeongyeon would love to be, wouldn’t you?”

Jeongyeon clears her throat and nods meekly. “Yeah… that’d be nice,” she says quietly.

Oh, my fucking god you can’t believe this is happening, you want the floor to swallow you up.

“We all know Nayeon isn’t gonna go through with the wedding” Teddy smirks and nudges your arm at the side.

You feel another jolt of panic travel through you and you stammer yet again, “W-what are you talking about?” you try and laugh nervously.

“We all know you totally want up on this instead” he smiles, gesturing to himself.

You breathe out in relief and you roll your eyes at him. You look across to Jeongyeon and she takes another spoonful of soup to her lips, not before the smallest of smirks appear.

Your heart thuds and you smile a little back at her, knowing she’ll see it from the corner of her eye.

After you’ve eaten Teddy needs to go out on the tractor and Jeongyeon says she has things to do today. She leaves through the front door and you get the feeling she’s avoiding you. You go after her and catch her on the porch.

“Hey, uhm Jeong?”

“Yeah?” she turns round like she expected you to follow.

“I-Is it OK, and it’s fine if it’s not, but would it be OK if I just… hang out… with you today? I don’t really feel like spending a day with Teddy and I won’t bother you or anything, I dunno… I’ll just watch you work or something…”

Holy fuck. Every time you think you can’t be more nervous you always end up proving yourself wrong.

She smiles a little and turns around and walks away from you.

You frown.

“C’mon then gorgeous” she calls over her shoulder toward you.

You beam and try your best not to skip happily after her.

The day passes rather slowly, you watch as Jeongyeon feeds the animals and you’re amazed because she even knows how to shear sheep. You just watch her and talk about idle things. You notice she’s a little unresponsive today, almost like she doesn’t want to talk, that’s fine by you though. You’d gladly just watch her.

A while later you both head out over to the barn with the hay supply. Jeongyeon is moving large square piles of hay from the loading truck to the building. You watch and chew your lip as you see her sweat a little. You’re so distracted by her face and her arms and her everything.

Fuck you can see her boobs again, why doesn’t she wear a bra like normal people?

“You need help?” you call after her because watching her is counter-productive.

“Sure.”

You both start moving blocks of hay strapped together over your backs and you’re surprised by how heavy they are. It takes you about half an hour to move them all and you’re sweating like mad, Jeongyeon isn’t sweating nearly half as much as you.

“Why aren’t you sweating as much as me?” you laugh nervously and watch as she goes over to the truck once you’ve both finished and lies down on the pile of hay stacked on the back.

You walk over to the back end, climb up carefully and slump down beside her. Again, it’s surprisingly comfortable. Jeongyeon shifts a little and her elbow grazes your arm and you gasp at the contact.

“Sorry,” she mumbles and moves away from you.

“It’s… nothing,” you say awkwardly, sad that she’s shifted away.

“I’m not sweating cause I’m not wearing anything under this” and you can hear the smirk in her voice.

“A-anything?” you stutter.

“Anything” she smiles and she kicks off her boots onto the ground. “Well, unless you count my socks.”

Great. Now you’re going to have a really hard time not looking at her general crotch area.

“Look, I’m sorry about Mrs. Wang earlier, she tends to get excited about stuff, you don’t have to be my bridesmaid.”

“It would be awkward,” she says honestly. “Especially at the whole ’does anybody know of any reasons these two shall not marry’ part.”

You sit bolt upright and look down at her frowning. She’s got a smug smirk on her face.

“Why, what would you do?” you ask seriously.

She closes her eyes like she’s falling asleep and just shrugs up at the sky. “Dunno.”

You chew the inside of your cheek and slump back down again. “Uhm… so… this is a pretty good place to get a tan really.”

“Yeah” she agrees.

“Hey since we’re friends now, you should totally give me your number” you say nervously and take your phone out of your pocket.

You hear her giggle a little and she snatches it out of your hand, you watch from the corner of your eye as she punches in her number and hands it back to you.

You both sunbathe for a while in silence.

“Jeongyeon?” you call out to her warily.

“Yeah?”

“Tell me something about yourself, anything… like… how did you get Lucy? Did you buy her? She’s very smart and cute.”

You hear her cough awkwardly and you roll your head to the side and notice she’s picking at her nails.

“She came to me” she says quietly and you immediately sense a shift in her mood.

“She came to you?” you ask.

“Yeah,” Jeongyeon sighs and you hear her shift a little. “My parents died when I was young so I grew up in an orphanage most of my teenage life.”

You immediately sit back up and look down at her. Is she opening up to you? Your head and heart start spinning. You really hope so. You nod a little for her to continue and you watch her talk to you but look at the sky.

“Well,” she sighs, “I was an angry kid really, I barely graduated high school, I didn’t have many friends, my parents were gone, I didn’t have any money or any idea what I wanted to do with my life. Then when I turned 18, I had to leave the orphanage, they gave me enough money to rent out a crummy little apartment for a while so I did, but I still had no job so I was going to lose it eventually any way. But when I turned 18, one day I got this letter telling me that I was legally my parent’s heir and that they left me all their money. I read that letter and re-read it for like an hour and I couldn’t believe it.”

“H-h-how much? Was it a lot I mean?” you ask, your throat dry completely enthralled by everything that’s coming out of her mouth right now.

“Enough to buy this place and more” she breaks eye contact with the sky for a second and smiles a little at you. “But at that time, I didn’t see it as a good thing, I was depressed. I felt guilty for suddenly coming into all this money, I felt like I was being rewarded for my parents dying. Not to mention I didn’t really know what to do with the money, I didn’t even know how to buy stuff for myself or never knew how to buy another house or even how to get a job. A few hours after I got the letter, I almost burned it but decided to leave it beside my suicide note.”

“Y-your… your suicide note?” you ask stunned, your heart plunging downwards. You automatically place your hand on her knee and you feel your palm tingling a little. She sits up eventually and looks between you and your hand.

She swallows and nods, “Yeah my suicide note, I went into the bathroom, got all the pills I could find, sat on the floor and just as I was unscrewing the caps, I hear this scratching noise.”

“What was it?” you ask eagerly and find yourself leaning in closer to her.

You think you just squeezed her leg too but you’re not sure.

“I didn’t know at first” she says quietly. “I wasn’t in a good state of mind but for some reason it was annoying me and I really needed to find out what this noise was so I got up and looked around. Eventually I opened my front door and there she was. Lucy. Scratching at front door. It had been raining so she was soaking and she was only just a pup really. She ran past my legs and went straight into the bathroom and lay down on the floor where I had been sitting. It’s like she knew what I was about to do and she was looking at me sadly,” Jeongyeon smiles a little fondly. “She was the most gorgeous dog I ever saw and just when I was in my darkest hour, she came to me and… distracted me… completely gave me a reason to live, even if just a little longer.”

You stare at her and you think you’re about to fucking cry or something. You want to hug her but you refrain.

“Strangest part of the story is… nobody knows where she came from.”

“What do you mean?” you ask with interest.

“The following weeks I looked around the local animal agencies and asked if anybody had lost her. I asked everybody in my apartment block, she had no ID chip or collar. Nobody knew her or where she came from, nobody within miles had even reported a missing dog. She was literally a nobody, with nowhere to go and nothing to say — just like me” Jeongyeon smiles sadly.

She laughs a little and it’s the first time you’ve seen her nervous.

“What?” you ask.

“You’re going to think I’m stupid but…”

“Out of all the things I think about you Jeongyeon, that’s not one of them” you say firmly and you feel your heart flutter.

Her eyes brighten and she smiles at you, then looks down, her cheeks a little red. “Well,” she says slowly. “legally they said after a certain amount of time she was mine if nobody claimed her. It sounds silly but at the time, I thought that maybe… just maybe… my parents had sent her here, to stop me from taking my own life and to look after me and she did and she has ever since. So, I choose a name with a bright meaning and named her Lucy because she was the light I needed it at that time.”

You stare at her and you feel your eyes glow a little and your throat close. You seriously can’t fucking cry but you want to and you’re not sure why. “Wow… just…. Wow” you breathe out. “I have no idea what to say to that.”

“So that’s how I got Lucy” Jeongyeon says, forcing herself into a smile. You want to tell her she can cry in front of you, that she doesn’t need to pretend in front of you. “She simply… came to me.”

“Wow…” you say, still stunned. “Do you tell that story often?”

She shakes her head, “You’re the first.”

Fuck.

You smile sheepishly. “I’m honored,” you say honestly.

You both sit in silence for a while, picking at some of the hay before she lies back down and closes her eyes. “Do you mind Nayeon? If I just go to sleep for a while?”

“Not at all” you say softly and smile at her, your heart swelling. “I think I’ll join you,” you say as you lie down and close your eyes against the burning sun.

You slip into slumber and have dreams of just holding Jeongyeon. You don’t really need an expert to tell you why that might be.

You eventually after a while stir a little, the hay rustling beneath you as you wake from your nap. You can tell you hadn’t been out long but you feel a little better for it. You feel really hot, you sit up expecting to see Jeongyeon next to you but she isn’t. You raise your hand to block the sun and you look around wondering where she went. You yawn, hop off the truck and stretch a little. You suddenly hear a screeching noise but it’s subtle, you walk toward its source. The nearer you approach the barn you begin to get memories of your game of hide and seek the last time you were here and you smile a little. It fades though as you realize the noise is Lucy and it sound likes she’s crying or whining. You walk quickly into the barn and Lucy is sitting restlessly at the bottom of the ladder, looking up like she wants to climb it but can’t.

You’re about to ask her what’s wrong but then you realize she’s a fucking dog and can’t exactly answer you back.

Sniff.

Your head shoots up to the top of the ladder and you can’t see the entire level from down here but you’re sure you heard a sniff. Like someone’s crying.

“Jeongyeon?” you call out softly and begin climbing the ladder.

You hear Lucy whine beneath you like she’s sad you are able to climb a ladder but she can’t.

You reach the top of the ladders and look into the corner; Jeongyeon’s lying on her side on a huge pile of hay, her shoulders shaking slightly, the occasional sniff coming from her direction. Your heart sinks, she must be crying.

You don’t trust standing on this level, so you crawl over on all fours toward her. “Jeongyeon? Are you OK?” you ask as you near her feet and simply sit at the end of her body. You can’t quite see her face from here because she’s turned away from you but you can tell she has been crying. “Jeong, look at me, please” you say quietly.

She sniffs once more and sits up on the hay; her bowed head moving slowly up and bright brown teary eyes are looking back at you. She sniffs again and runs the back of her hand under her nose, her face and around her eyes are a little red and you feel absolutely horrible. Seeing her cry is like seeing a puppy get kicked and you can’t stand it, you don’t want her to be sad, you don’t want to see her sad ever again.

“Oh Jeong,” you coo and you scoot closer and closer to her until you’re right beside her, the hay rustling beneath your movements. Without thinking about it you reach your hands out to her face and gently tuck away the stray bits of wispy blonde hair that had been sticking to her face. You continue stroking a hand through her hair.

She just sniffs again but looks at you with a little more awe.

You cup both her cheeks in your hands and you just stare at her, your heartbeat speeding up. You lean in closer to her and she watches you, her mouth agape a little.

“I…” you sigh and run the pad of your thumb under her eyes to sweep away a tear that just silently fell.

You feel light-headed and you think you’re about to do something stupid like kiss her so you drop your hands and lay them on your thigh. Your face is still close to hers and you just watch as more tears fall silently from her, only the occasional sniff breaking the silence.

She isn’t saying anything to you.

“Lucy’s down there, I think she’s worried about you” you offer a lame smile.

She doesn’t laugh or smile back.

Jeongyeon’s brown orbs consider you for a moment and you watch as they drop to your lips and back up, her eyes still a little red and inflamed. She opens her mouth and her words come out thick and quiet, “Lucy tends to know when I’m upset, I came up here so she couldn’t come after me, I just want to be alone.”

“Oh,” you sigh, feeling your heart swell in your chest.

She stares at you like you should leave.

“I’m not leaving,” you tell her, “I can’t stand to see you sad like this” you say as you shuffle even closer to her and your faces are oh so close, you feel like… you feel like… doing something stupid. You think your heart is actually breaking seeing her like this and you can’t help but feel a little guilty, maybe it was from your talk earlier?

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pried earlier” you say and again your hands are automatically reaching out to her, you rest your left hand on her thigh and you feel your skin burn at the contact, even through clothes.

Jeongyeon just sniffs again and shakes her head like it isn’t your fault.

Your hearts beginning to pound all over your body and this time you feel like you have little control over yourself. You just want to take away her sadness. Before you know what you’re doing or what you’re even thinking you lean into her until the tip of your nose hits hers. You begin panting against her lips, finding it harder and harder to take in air the closer you are to her. Her eyelids fall a little heaver and she blinks looking startled by your actions, she looks right into your eyes, you’re so close you can see every little freckle on her face and every shade of brown in her eyes.

“Nayeon, you don’t want to do this,” she whispers, her breath instantly hitting your lips.

You think you actually do.

You blink slowly at her already completely lost in everything that she is, you raise your left hand from her thigh and place it gently on her cheek, her smooth skin tingling beneath your touch. She sighs contently and leans into your palm like she can’t get enough of you. The way she’s leaned into your palm means her other cheek has tilted up toward you and you do the first thing that seems natural. You ghost your lips by hers, somehow willing yourself not to press yours onto hers and lick your lips then slowly press your lips against her cheek.

Your heart stops and for a second you feel nothing but bliss. Her cheek is so smooth against your lips and she tastes slightly sweet and salty from her tears. You lean away and quickly plant a kiss slightly above your last one and you whimper into her skin.

You hear her sigh into you and your whole body begins to shake. She smells like vanilla and you want to breathe her in more.

“Oh my god—” you pant and begin planting more and more forceful kisses onto her cheek, your lips and her skin getting damper and damper.

All you can hear is your own heart, both your heavy breathing and the smacking of your lips against her skin.

“You—” kiss. “Feel so—” kiss. “Good” you breathe against her and your kisses are getting more and more potent and heavy and you think you’ve pretty much kissed every inch of skin on this side of her face. You hope somehow, you’re soaking up all of her sadness.

“Oh Nayeon” she sighs into your ear and you feel tingles run down the walls inside your body.

“Jeongyeon…” you practically moan back and you kiss your way down her cheek till your back at her lips and you hover them slightly over hers without touching. You’re almost scared to feel her lips against yours.

You move your hands so you’re cupping her cheeks again and you realize you’re holding the most beautiful person you’ve ever met in the palm of your hand. You feel a little overwhelmed.

“I warned you Nayeon” Jeongyeon whispers and there’s a slight hint of playfulness about her tone. You look at her and her face seems a little brighter and she’s no longer sniffing or crying.

“Warned me about what?” you breathe back, a smirk tugging your lips.

You feel so elated and all over the place.

“That if you made the first move, I wouldn’t be able to help myself,” she says lowly, her eyelids so low that you think she’s almost shut them completely.

She grabs both your wrists and suddenly spins you over, lying you down on your back against the hay and pinning your hands above your head once again. She climbs over you, looking down at you, her eyes laced with lust and conflict. Jeongyeon slides her body up over yours so that she glides up over your stomach, then her breasts are pushing up against and sliding by yours.

Your gasp and you begin to pant again as her face comes up to meets yours. She’s lying on top of you and instead of pushing her away or feeling guilt you arch your back up into her needing the contact.

“Please…” you sigh shakily at her.

You need her to do something.

She does. She leans down and nudges your nose playfully with hers before her lips lean down and press gently against yours. You let out a whimper as you feel your body turn to mush under her weight. You feel her smirk against your lips and you whimper again, the feeling vibrating your lips against hers. She sinks her lips further and more forcefully down onto yours and your whole body is frozen and buzzing and you haven’t a fucking clue what to do. You’re breathing hard through your nose and your clammy hands grasp at the straws of hay at your side. You feel like you’re going to explode.

She does that little giggle you love and it trembles against your lips and you moan again and your heart flutters in response.

“Nayeon,” she breathes playfully against your lips. You open your eyes and she’s looking down at you mischievously. “Open up” she says her voice low and husky and she trails the tip of her nose along your lips.

“Oh my god I—”

You’re silenced when Jeongyeon presses even further down onto you and dips her tongue past your parted lips. You jolt in response as you feel her slippery tongue flutter itself under yours.

You feel your eyes roll to the back of your head and you whimper breathlessly into her mouth. Her tongue is snaking around and discovering all of you mouth and you’re lying here completely overwhelmed by all the sensations and you think you’re going fucking crazy, that, or you’re about to pass out. You feel a knot form in your lower stomach and it feels like it’s getting tighter and tighter.

Feeling a little brave, and spurred on by the throb now emerging between your legs, you clash your tongue with hers, slip past her lips and enter her mouth.

Holy fuck.

You’re panting and making small noises of approval into her mouth because it’s so fucking warm and wet and you feel her tongue dance with yours. You have goosebumps and you swear you could get off just by kissing her alone. You’ve never felt like this. You think you’re high. The knot in your stomach is now deliciously loosening and you feel slickness pool between your legs. You clutch and ball the material of her overalls and run your hands all over her back, just needing to touch her everywhere.

“Ugh…” you moan and suck on Jeongyeon’s tongue and she breathes back harder in approval.

You kiss her hard and deep, your heart beating in your throat, your ears and your chest.

She’s so…

A plaintive moan escapes Jeongyeon’s lips and she pulls back, your lips parting with a wet smack and she sucks your lower lip, lets it snap back to your face and she sits up moving away from you. You groan in frustration as her lips and body leave yours.

Your hearts about to burst out of your goddamn chest.

You sit up too and look at her. Her lips are swollen pink from kissing so much and her hair is a little disheveled, you grin stupidly at her, she looks so goddamn cute. Your heart is still racing and you know you’re supposed to feel guilty and bad but you don’t. You actually don’t think you’ve been happier.

“We can’t do this,” she says quietly, sounding a little breathless and she looks at you dejectedly.

“I know…” you sigh but you want to forget about everything, you just want to keep kissing her and feel what it feels like to not think about anything and instead feel like you’re floating up to a high place.

“This is wrong on so many levels” she says and looks away from you.

You kneel and shuffle over to her. You lean into her face again and you feel like you’ll die if you both stop what you’re doing. “So wrong” you husk against her and recapture her lips with your own.

How can something so wrong feel so good?

She closes her eyes and her eyebrows go up like she’s surprised by your actions and to be honest so are you.

You’re kissing another woman, you’re kissing someone who isn’t Jackson and you’re not freaking out. Maybe because it feels right.

“Mhmmm” she sighs against your lips and you run your tongue along her lower lip to let you in again but she pulls away once more and shakes her head. “No… no Nayeon we… I… sorry I can’t do this” she says quickly and she’s turned around and is heading toward the ladder.

“NO wait, Jeongyeon, OK we won’t do anything… wait!” you call out to her but she’s already at the bottom of the ladder and she’s running out of the barn, Lucy at her heels.

Crap.

You figure it’s pointless running after her so you take a minute to catch your breath. You can’t believe you kissed her. It felt amazing. You almost want to throw up at how good it felt. Kissing Jackson doesn’t come anywhere close to that, you don’t understand why though, is that how kissing is supposed to feel? You always did think kissing was overrated but now you’re not so sure.

Feeling like your limbs are weightless and your head abnormally derived of all thought, you walk slowly back over to the ranch house in a wonderful daze.

By the time you get back it’s dinnertime and Mrs. Wang forces you to sit and wait while she cooks a pasta dish. You ask her where Jeongyeon is and she tells you she’s in her room. You chew your lip nervously; did you make a huge mistake? Maybe she just wants to be alone.

Teddy comes in and sits at the table with you. “Will hot blonde be joining us?” he grins disgustingly at you.

“I don’t know, and her name is Jeongyeon” you say angrily.

“I’m also a hot blonde though” a voice floats from the hallway.

You lose your breath a little as Jeongyeon comes walking in and sits down opposite you next to Teddy.

Teddy laughs like she just said the funniest thing ever and you want to hit him over the head.

You just want to talk to her alone, but you’re forced to make small talk over dinner with the three of them. Jeongyeon doesn’t say much though. Teddy says he’s going into town to the bar so he heads off after dinner.

“I’m going to have an early night, goodnight dears,” Mrs. Wang informs you both.

“I’ll do the dishes Mrs. Wang” Jeongyeon says quickly and moves toward the sink.

“She’s a godsend, isn’t she?” Mrs. Wang smiles to you and departs.

You turn around and smile at Jeongyeon wistfully, “Yeah she is” you sigh at her.

“Nayeon,” she sighs as she begins washing the dishes and you just watch her hands with interest. “About what happened, it shouldn’t have happened OK? Nothing can happen between us. OK so we got out of our systems but I still think you should tell Jackson.”

“J-J-Jackson?” you stutter out. You feel sick because it’s the first time you’ve even thought of him all day.

“Yes, remember? Your husband to be?” Jeongyeon says passive-aggressively. “I think you’re in denial about your wedding because you don’t seem to be preparing for it at all.”

You open your mouth to argue but nothing comes out.

“What did you expect huh? That I’d just be your bit on the side to experiment with when you deal with your sexuality?”

You look around in a panic.

“Please Nayeon, nobody is here to overhear. Seriously, did you expect me just to play along, expect me just to make out with you while you go marry a guy?”

Her voice is getting more and more uneven and you don’t think you’ve ever seen her this emotional.

“No! It’s not like that” you say and you walk right up to her side, looking down into the sink as her hands angrily scrub plates. “It’s not like that,” you repeat quietly, “I don’t expect anything from you, I don’t even know what it is I’m doing to be honest” you sigh and slump your shoulders sadly.

You reach out your hand and it’s shaking but you place it on the small of her back and she stops her movements and sighs.

“All I know is that when I kissed you, it was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced” you whisper into her side and begin to rub your hand into her back. You exhale shakily, even touching her feels so good, you still can’t believe it. “When I touch Jackson it’s nice but like nothing more happens, and then I touch you and… I go crazy… touching you feels so good” you say and you feel yourself swoon into her.

“Don’t,” she breathes quietly.

“I want to kiss you again” you say quickly and lean your forehead onto her shoulder.

“You can’t,” she says regretfully and she shrugs off your touch. “I’m going to bed early too.”

“I’ll wait up,” you say back and you sit at the table and think about the mess that is your life right now.

“If you must know” she says and turns to you, a smirk back on her face and you sigh in relief, thinking maybe she isn’t totally mad with you. “Your lips are big and delicious and I want to kiss you again too,” she says coyly before turning around and doing the rest of the dishes.

You laugh a little and feel your face burn. She makes you so happy.

Both you and Jeongyeon walk slowly upstairs and into the hall, you stop just outside her room and she looks at you curiously.

“So,” you say awkwardly, your eyes darting from hers to the door.

You watch as her tongue runs along her lower lip and she smirks a little at you, “soooo” she drawls out too, an impish glint in her eye.

You laugh a little uneasily, “So am I going to be able to sleep tonight? I mean you fixed whatever was wrong right? I’m not going to get soaked?”

She puts her hands in her overall pockets and leans against the wall casually, her eyes move up your body slowly and they stop at your lips. “Soaked? Not from the ceiling no” she smirks.

You suck in your lips to stop yourself from practically whining at her words, “You need to stop that,” you say frankly.

“Stop what?” she leers.

“Stop being so…you” you stutter out. “Stop being sexy and adorable, this isn’t going to work if you keep doing this, you said nothing should happen between us so quit teasing me!” you hiss at her, glancing around the hall making sure no one was around to overhear.

Jeongyeon laughs softly, takes a hand out of her pocket and runs her knuckles along the wallpaper “Teasing you is the best part” she says lowly, brown eyes staring at you in yearning.

You feel a little light-headed so you lean against the wall mirroring her position, your forehead tilting against the wallpaper and you inch a little closer to her.

“Jeongyeon” you breathe out quietly, your lungs are doing that awesome panicky breathing again and you feel yourself just wanting to get closer and closer to her.

“Nayeon” she says back equally as quiet but a little more seriously. “Flirting is all we can ever do, you know that, at least let us have that. We can’t cross that line, everybody is just going to get hurt in the end.”

“I know it’s supposed to feel wrong but…” you trail off and look into deep brown eyes “but you feel so good” you admit shakily, a smile spreading across your face.

Jeongyeon smiles a little, her cheeks flushing. “You feel good too, I wish I knew how good all of you felt outside of my dreams,” she admits quietly.

Something tugs at your heartstrings and you look at her sadly, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before” you whisper.

“Even Jackson?” she whispers back, her hand momentarily touching your side but she snaps it back and stows it back in her pocket.

You swallow thickly, “Even Jackson” you say firmly.

“You know we’re more or less having an affair, right?” she says to you honestly.

You feel hurt and panic flow throughout you, “Oh God” you mumble, bringing your hand up to your lips subconsciously. “We are, aren’t we?”

“I’ve already began to doubt my capabilities as a counselor Nayeon, don’t make me begin to doubt myself as a person, I don’t want to be that woman, the other person.”

“I know,” you sigh sympathetically and you try your hardest not to reach out and touch her, you look down at the floor lost in thought. You have no idea what to do about any of this.

“Nayeon?” Jeongyeon’s voice coaxes you out of thought.

You look up at her.

“Do you believe in soulmates?”

You blink at her, the question startling you immediately. “Uh,” you hesitate, “I think so I’m not sure.”

Jeongyeon leans up away from the wall and sighs “Well I do” she says with a small nod and a kind tilt of the head.

You just stare at her speechless.

She just smiles sadly, turns around and heads into her room leaving you with that statement. Before you can drag yourself into yours in a dumb state of numbness, the door opens again and Jeongyeon pops her head out.

“Oh, and Nayeon?”

“Mhmm?”

“You can come in and sleep beside me any time” she says airily “But I will be naked, I’m not changing my ways for you” she says in a cute huff and shuts the door on you.

You feel your heart thump against your skin and you don’t even try to fight the biggest beam that’s ever been on your face.

“I wouldn’t have you any other way,” you sigh quietly to yourself with a smile.

You enter your own room and change into pajamas then crawl into bed yawning. You feel overwhelmed by everything today, yet you don’t think you can sleep. You’d give anything for that damn puddle to appear above your head and for you to go and sleep next to Jeongyeon again. Suddenly the noise of your phone rings brings you out your thoughts. You reach over and grab your phone from the bedside table. You don’t recognize the number on-screen.

“Hello?” you say quietly into the receiver.

“Nayeon” a voice giggles back.

Of course, it’s Jeongyeon.

You grin into your phone, “You know Jeong I’m just next door you—”

“No, I didn’t want to speak to you,” she interrupts, “I just wanted to tell you something.”

“What?” you ask with a curious smile.

“I’m in bed naked thinking about you.”

Your jaw drops open but before you can respond the lines went dead.

You put the phone back and your breathing has completely changed. What does this mean? Do you want to be with her? Why did she call and tell you something like that? Does she just like to tease you or was it an invitation? Maybe it was.

You debate whether to get up and go next door. What the fuck are you thinking? No, you can’t.

You lie down on your body and wrap the covers tightly around yourself as if to prevent your body from moving against your will.

Jeongyeon’s right you can’t do this. What about Jackson? You can see his face fall in your mind if he ever saw what you and Jeongyeon were doing today. Your stomach lurches with guilt.

She’s right, you can’t do this.

You just wish it didn’t feel so good.


	11. Can't

You look over to the clock on the bedside table; it’s 9:47am. You’ve been awake for a few hours now actually, and you’ve heard movement out in the hall and downstairs, but for some reason you don’t want to move. You figure you’ll have to eventually because your bladder is currently making it difficult for you, maybe you can run to the toilet then quickly come back and no one will notice. All of yesterday is replaying over and over again in your mind. Jeongyeon’s story, her opening up to you, kissing her. Jeongyeon was right, you’re having an affair, and every time you think about it your stomach lurches and you feel sick with guilt and anxiety.

In your mind though, if you block out everything and everyone else, and just replay Jeongyeon’s smiling at you, her lips kissing you back, divulging to you her past. Your heart feels fuzzy and you want to curl up into a ball and just smile stupidly at yourself. Fuck. What does this mean? Does it mean what you think it means? OK so you might be considering the possibility you aren’t straight but you can’t do anything about it, can you? You’re not going to… come out… or anything. There’s nothing to come out about because you have Jackson, right? Maybe now you’ve kissed Jeongyeon, the curious side to you is gone. There are no more feelings, no more mystery, no more tension, shouldn’t this make things easier? It was a one off and it’ll never happen again. Yes, that has to be it.

You roll your eyes and begin to get out of bed begrudgingly because now you really need to pee and you can’t hold it in any longer.

You don’t know why but you’re tiptoeing across the hall to the bathroom and you go to open the door but someone opens it from the other side. You blink and shake your head a little as hot steam comes bellowing toward you.

“Oops, sorry just came out a shower” a voice says.

Once the steam clears up a little and your eyes adjust to the light your jaw drops at the sight before you. Jeongyeon’s standing in front of you, towel wrapped around her head and a white fluffy one around her body. You can see the sheen of damp water gleam over her collarbone and her face and she looks kind of angelic.

“Oh,” she says like she just realizes it’s you, “hi” she says softly and gives you a small smile.

“Uh… hi” you breathe back.

So much for no tension.

“I just came in to do the toilet,” you say dumbly, staring at the top half of her chest. You haven’t a fucking clue why you’re telling her this.

“I figured,” she smirks at you and her eyes look like they are reveling in yours, like she likes that you’re looking at her. “People normally come to the toilet to use it.”

You watch as a drop of water slowly slides its way down her chest and disappears under the towel where it dips into the valley between her breasts. You blink and look back up at her eyes and feel yourself flush.

“Uh… right” you say awkwardly. “Hey uhm, I’ll probably be leaving soon, I want to get back before dinner.”

“Oh,” she says and she sounds disappointed but not surprised. Her shoulders slump a little.

“Yeah,” you rub the back of your neck awkwardly and your hearts beginning to thud against your chest again. It’s like it can’t fucking handle anything more than 10 seconds of being in her company. “So, I was wondering if we could talk.”

“OK,” she nods and her head does a sort of sympathetic tilt. “I’m going into your room now to dry my hair, you can talk to me after you use the toilet if you want.”

“OK” you nod.

She smiles and brushes by you and you close your eyes and try not swoon at how warm and wet and wonderful she looks, or by how delicious she smells, like strawberries this time.

You hear her giggle as she walks away and she must be laughing at you. Your stomach still flutters in response.

After you finish in the toilet you go back to your room and close the door behind you. Jeongyeon is sitting on the floor with a hair-dryer and brush in front of the walk-in closet’s mirror. You just stand and stare at her in the mirror.

“I hope you don’t mind, the mirror in here is bigger.”

“Not at all” you say and you begin to play with your hands.

She eyes you suspiciously, “Are you OK? I assume you want to talk about yesterday?”

You swallow thickly and nod, suddenly unable to form words.

“Uhm…” Jeongyeon sighs and gives you shy smile in the mirror. “Well I really liked kissing you, was… was it good for you?” she asks and it’s probably the first time you’ve seen her look unsure of herself.

“Oh uhm… yeah it was good for me” you say slowly, hardly believing you’re having this conversation, “I mean,” you give a hollow laugh, “it was the best damn kiss I ever had to be honest.”

She stares at you then chews her bottom lip and starts to trace her fingers along her collarbone like she’s flustered. Instead of saying anything back she takes off the towel on her head and her straggly wet hair comes falling down to her shoulders. You just stare at her. You’re supposed to be talking.

“It can’t happen again” she says to you.

“Right,” you agree but it comes out like you don’t agree.

“You said you wanted to kiss me again last night though, so are you saying you don’t want to kiss me again now?” she asks and scrunches up her face.

“Now? As in right now?”

“Right now” she says firmly and looks at you seriously.

Fuck. You can’t breathe.

“D-d-do you get some kick out of being this up and down with me? I mean, you’re teasing me and being close to me but then—”

“Pot calling the kettle black huh?” she interjects and smiles a little at you. “You’re kinda up and down with me too Nayeon,” she says sadly with a shrug of her shoulder.

You shake your head because you can’t really argue with that and you walk toward the bed. This whole situation is such a mess.

“Look Jeongyeon,” you sigh impatiently and slump down on her bed. Her brown eyes look at you forlornly in the mirror and she continues brushing her wet hair, sitting on the floor. “One minute you’re saying this is wrong, and the next you’re calling me and telling me you’re naked and thinking about me, what am I supposed to think?”

“I told you flirting is all we can have,” she says to you sternly.

“But look what it made me do!” you hiss at her and look at the door to make sure it’s shut. “We kissed yesterday.”

Jeongyeon gives a short laugh, “Nayeon, I’m going to assume your memory is failing on you but it wasn’t my flirting that made us kiss. You kissed me. I was crying and wanted to be alone, you’re the one who stayed, and you’re the one who kissed me even though I warned you right before that you shouldn’t.”

You find it hard to swallow and just stare at her. Holy crap she’s right. “I…” you begin but have no idea what to say, “I just wanted you to stop crying” you mumble.

“And the normal person’s response is to kiss a person when they’re crying? You know, friends normally just hug and eat ice cream or something.”

You roll your eyes, “You know how you make me feel though.”

“Actually, I don’t,” she says shortly, placing her hairbrush down and staring at you in the mirror. “What am I to you Nayeon? Mhmm? Friend? Make out buddy? Flirty friend? Counselor? What? How is it exactly I make you feel?”

Your hearts thudding harshly against your chest and you wish it would shut up because you can’t think. Fuck. You think you’re going to cry. Yep. You feel the back of your eyes sting and you blink several times and clench your stomach to stop the tears from falling. “You… uh… you make me feel…” you whisper and you can feel your own voice shaking.

Jeongyeon’s expression has now fallen and she turns around on the floor to look at you.

“I… I told you nobody makes me feel like you do. You make me feel so big, yet so small. So special and important yet so god damn insignificant, you make me feel like I’m falling when I’m standing still and I miss you when you’re gone so much it hurts. I feel like I’m sleeping when I’m not with you, that I never really lived till I met you. Every time you laugh or smile at me, I swear I think I’m about to die and that I’d actually be OK with that.”

She blinks at you and purses her lips, looking away bashfully, and you still feel your heart beating and you think you’re about to throw up.

“OK,” she says quietly in resignation. “I’ll stop flirting with you, if it makes your life easier.”

You swallow thickly and nod at her, “Thanks.”

“But Nayeon?” she says softly and her eyes lock with your own. “It won’t stop you falling in love with me.”

Your heart stops and you feel an awkward feeling run down your spine.

“W-w-what? I’m not…” you trail off and you just stare at her in disbelief. Your heart starts pounding hard against your chest and you can almost feel the blood rush to your cheeks and your ears. “How dare you just assume…” you trail off again because you have no idea what you want to say, your whole body is in a panic like it’s switching frantically between embarrassment, realization and anger.

You decide to go with anger.

“I… I’m not falling in love with you” you scoff and frown at her. “Geez, could you be more fucking arrogant?”

Jeongyeon’s eyes sink to the floor and suddenly she looks a lot more miserable. “So, you’re not falling in love with me then?” she whispers and isn’t even looking at you. You can’t tell if she pities you or if she’s actually hurt. “It’s just how you just described your feelings just now sounds a lot like…” she trails off too and doesn’t finish her sentence.

You don’t think you’ve ever felt your own anger disperse so quickly in all your life. You feel your muscles loosen and you exhale feeling the anger leave your body. You get up from the bed and kneel down on the floor so you’re sitting opposite her.

“I don’t know the answer to that question,” you say honestly.

She nods a little and looks up at you, her usually calm brown eyes now dark and stormy.

You suddenly remember she was really sad yesterday; you’ve been so fucking self-involved that you forgot.

“Are you feeling better today? You seemed pretty upset yesterday.”

“Oh, yeah I suppose. You just reopened old wounds I guess” she says quietly and looks away from you.

“Sorry about that” you mumble, feeling genuine guilt.

She looks back at you and her face suddenly looks brighter as her lips form a large grin. “It’s OK, you kissed them better.”

You give a nervous laugh and feel like your heart has sprouted wings and is now fluttering around your chest. Holy fuck.

“You better go,” she says, her smile faltering and falling a little. “Get some breakfast and head out, you’ve got a long drive back.”

“Yeah” you say tonelessly. You don’t want to leave. “I wish you were coming back,” you admit to her, your heart still fluttering in a way that it’s beginning to make you feel uncomfortable.

“I am” she says simply and smiles at you politely.

“W-what?” you ask stunned and you can’t help but grin. “You’re coming back? You’ll come back and counsel me?” you ask excitedly.

“No.”

“What? Why not?” you frown at her feeling confused.

“I’m technically still on vacation, but I have no intention of resuming my counseling sessions with you Nayeon, like I said, I want you to stick with Irene for a while.”

You grumble feeling stupidly rejected. “But you’re coming back to the city, right?”

“Yeah, Mrs. Wang says she doesn’t need three weeks of my help” Jeongyeon says with a small smile.

“When will I see you again?” you ask quickly. OK so she may not be counseling you but she’s not going to be in a different place, this can only be good.

Jeongyeon tilts her head and her eyes shift like she’s thinking, “You have my number I guess, besides… I’ll be around” she says ambiguously.

You just nod at her as you stand up. Sensing the conversation has come to an end you walk slowly to the door. You turn around before adding “Hey Jeong? It makes me really happy you’re not going to be so far away from me.”

Fuck. What’s with all the honesty and feelings and stuff lately?

“Oh, I don’t know about that Nayeon, I still think I’m pretty far away from you” she sighs back.

You feel the wings in your heart die and sink down and you frown and open your mouth to reply but she quickly presses the hair-dryer on and it blasts loudly throughout the room.

You leave feeling confused about what she meant.

After you have breakfast, Jeongyeon says she’s taking Lucy for a walk and going to check something on the farm. Mr. and Mrs. Wang are going into town, so you can’t leave just yet. You head upstairs to start packing your things and you can’t help but feel a little down. You walk by Jeongyeon’s room and you notice the door is open, feeling curiosity tug at you, you double check the corridor and creep inside.

You smirk looking at the messy bed, you only wish you got to sleep in it again, beside her. You walk around and look on top of her dresser, you make a mental note to yourself to not check anywhere near the region of the top drawer after last time. Once again you find she doesn’t have any pictures, which you guess isn’t that odd since this isn’t her home. Then again, she didn’t have any in her actual home either. You wonder if she’s even got any family left, since she practically grew up an orphan. Your heart pangs horribly, you really want to hug her but she’s not here.

A red binder that’s lying under the bed catches your eye. You kneel down and drag it out from under. You look at the cover:

Counseling Notes

2012-2013

Yoo Jeongyeon

Staff Number: 48709 Room: 47

You stare at it in wonder and you begin to feel nervous. Maybe your notes are in this? You chew your nails and spend a good few minutes looking between the door and the folder in your hands. Fuck it.

You open the folder and it’s tagged in alphabetical order, you flip the pages quickly for fear of getting caught and you jump to the ’I’ section.

“Im, Im, Im… ah” you mumble and finally come to your notes.

Should you really be doing this?

You take the sheets of paper out the sleeve and you read the first page any way, it’s dated the same day you first met her.

‘Im Nayeon. 25. Patient is currently not on any medication and has had no previous mental illness or psychiatric treatment. Patient on first analysis seems to be suffering from stress, anxiety and bouts of depression. Danger for long term illness if not handled appropriately. Sleep pattern is disturbed and mood seems erratic. Seems to have an arrogant façade to hide her low self-esteem. Patient is not happy with personal situations at home or at work and seems to be bitter with her surroundings. Psychiatric intervention is not needed at this time. Treatment plan consists of regular cognitive behavioral therapy, medication and relaxation methods as well as covering of certain topics and building of both short term and long term goals…’

You flip the page harshly and feel kind of annoyed. Is this how she sees you?

You skim over more notes from later meetings, most of it seemingly complicated but certain paragraphs catch your eye.

’…Patient seems to have an alter-ego complex; high expectations of herself that it has become a vicious cycle of expectations vs. reality resulting in her never meeting her own expectations. External pressure and internal pressure are both accountable for this. Patient is stubborn and very self-aware, getting her to mentally break away from her negative style of thinking will require approximately 8-10 sessions, possibly more…’

You wonder if all her notes are this cold. You flip over again and another part catches your eye.

’…Patient seems confused about her sexual identity. Appears to be conflicted over romantic and possible sexual feelings for that of the same gender. Her own relationship experience seems limited and lacking in depth. Patient may have confused or romanticized close platonic relationship with her fiancée from a young age and mistaken or willed herself into believing it is a romantic relationship by default…’

You feel the paper slip from your hand and you stare into space, your mouth opens a little. You feel so confused and angry with her. How dare she just assume things? Is this what she fucking thinks of you? How dare she belittle your relationship with Jackson, it’s not like that. It can’t be. She has to be wrong.

You’re about to stash the notes away when you see at the bottom of each page there’s a little sentence or two, and before each it says ’personal note’. You quickly flip back to the first page again and you read the first personal note from your first meeting with Jeongyeon.

‘Personal note: I’m not a believer in love at first sight but I’m beginning to question that now. This woman I met today is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.’

You feel yourself laugh and your heart rise a little. You blush and shake your head. Is this what she thought of you when she first met you? Ugh. You feel kind of relieved because you thought your instant connection to her had been one sided. You flip through the rest of the pages eagerly and read more:

‘Personal note: Session went well today. Nayeon followed me to the park after work though. I’m flattered really, but I have no idea what this woman’s intentions are. She could be straight and even if she’s not, I fear I might read too much into things and she’s just developed a great bond of trust with me. I just hope she doesn’t become too instantly attached, that could lead to problems. A twist of fate has brought us together though, it turns out the ranch I purchased belongs to her fiancée’s relatives.’

You feel your stomach sink and you roll your eyes at yourself. You knew stalking her to that fucking park was a bad idea. You look forward and read another:

‘Personal note: Checked out the ranch and most seems to be well. Being there with Nayeon made one thing very clear though, she’s definitely attracted to me, and I’m attracted to her. I hope this is a silly crush on a ’straight’ woman.’

‘Personal note: This woman makes my adrenaline go faster than when I’m riding bike, which you know, is pretty darn fast. I need to be careful here, this has never happened to me before’

‘Personal note: We’ve definitely crossed a line; I thought we could safely dance around it but we’ve, no scratch that, I’ve crossed a line. I could lose my job over this if she reports me. I wish I didn’t like her so much. She’s engaged to be married, but it’s like I can’t keep away from her.’

You read more and more and you grin like an idiot as her attraction and feelings become more and more evident through her writing. You arrive at the last one and you gulp a little as it simply reads:

‘Personal note: The things I want to do to this woman.’

Well then.

You feel slightly guilty now because you’ve completely intruded on her privacy but you couldn’t help yourself. You quickly stow the notes away and slide it under the bed where they were.

Awhile later you say your goodbyes to Mr. and Mrs. Wang once they return and you have your stuff packed back up. You go down to the kitchen and Jeongyeon’s standing by the table, bouncing on her feet looking a little nervous.

You put your suitcase down on the floor and simply stare at her. She bats her lashes at you bashfully as she runs her index finger along the wooden table.

You eye her and feel a smirk form on your face, “What’re you thinking?” you ask coyly sensing nothing but mischief from her.

“I’m thinking I could fuck you so hard over this table you won’t be able to walk for a week” she smirks.

Your stomach feels like a damn yo-yo when it comes spiraling upwards then plummets downwards.

“I… uh…” you stutter out and feel yourself blush. “You said you wouldn’t—”

“Flirt with you?” she smirks. “Yeah I know sorry, I thought I’d say one last flirty type thing to you, besides I don’t think that counts, that’s what I was genuinely thinking, honest” she says in candid innocence. “Because then I was thinking how you would get a splinter out from… certain places…” she giggles a little.

You grin stupidly at her. Ugh. She’s so damn cute.

You can’t deal with her.

“I guess I’ll see you soon or whatever,” you say eventually.

“Yeah.”

You move forward to hug her or something but she shakes her head at you. “Wouldn’t want you doing something stupid now, would we?” she quirks her eyebrow.

You roll your eyes playfully at her. “Sure, hey look Jeongyeon, I just want you to know, that I had the best time ever this weekend” you admit quietly to her.

“Yeah,” she agrees kindly “me too” she smiles.

You get the feeling that she meant it and wasn’t just saying it to be polite.

On the drive back home, you think about nothing other than yet again replaying the day before in your head, trying desperately to soak up and keep hold of every memory like it’s fresh in your mind. The taste of her lips against yours, but it’s like holding water and you find some details slip away.

Just another reason why you want to kiss her again.

You come home from work on Monday and you’re actually really glad you’re seeing Irene tomorrow; you need to tell someone about the weekend. Jihyo was off sick today so you got to enjoy your coffee in peace. Fuck. You’ll have to tell Jihyo too. She’s not going to be happy.

You’re lying snuggled up to Jackson on the sofa and you feel kind of numb. You still can’t believe the weekend happened. You receive a text message from Jihyo and it reads:

_Bridesmaids dress shopping at the weekend, u up for it? You’ll probably now have 2 invite Jeongyeon I guess_

You stare at the screen and you wonder if Jihyo is pissed. It’s not like you wanted Jeongyeon to be your goddamn bridesmaid. You type your reply:

_Sure xx_

Yeah. You aren’t really the texting or talkative type.

You wonder though, should you text and ask Jeongyeon? You feel awkward asking her over text. Maybe you should quickly go round to hers and ask before you head to bed.

“Something wrong? Who’s texting you?” Jackson asks, stirring you out your senses.

“Jeongyeon,” you quickly lie. “She wants me to come over to plan dress shopping at the weekend.”

Holy fucking hell. Not only did you just lie your pants off, you did it almost without thinking. You really are a certified cheater.

“Oh, you sure you want her as another bridesmaid?” he asks.

“Yeah why? I mean she’s my friend so” you say pretty defensively.

Jackson chuckles a little and you feel his stomach move beneath you. “I know Nayeon, I like Jeongyeon. I was just checking if you were OK with it.”

You feel your stomach simmer with guilt.

“Oh yeah… it’s fine…”

You kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll be an hour at most, won’t be long.”

You get a taxi over and you feel nervous as you begin to walk up the stairs in her apartment block. Is it really OK if you just show up uninvited? It’s a Monday night but what if she isn’t even in? Isn’t it a bit creepy you already want to see her even though you just said goodbye yesterday?

You knock at her door and you hear movement inside. You wring your fingers together and feel nervous.

The door opens but you’re not met with Jeongyeon. Sana, wearing nothing but what looks like one of Jeongyeon’s sweaters is in front of you instead.

You open your mouth and stare at her as the blood drains from your face.

“Nayeon right? You’re here to see Jeongyeon or something?” she asks and twiddles her hair around one of her fingers looking bored by your presence.

You feel like air’s not entering your lungs and you just shake your head and begin to walk away feelings numb. Jeongyeon was with her? How could she just…

You feel like you’re going to throw up.

You stumble back down the hall and you hear her call after you but you’re not really listening.

You’ve never felt so sick and jealous in all your life. Fuck everything. Your heart pangs horribly in your chest and for the first time in your entire fucking life you think it’s been broken. It feels so hollow. Your limbs feel heavy as you walk numbly down the stairs. You feel like crying because slowly you’re beginning to realize that you don’t play the role in Jeongyeon’s life that you want to. That the one you’re in now just isn’t enough.

You reach the bottom level and you realize you have to call a cab to get back; you’re about to leave the building when you hear someone clamor down the stairs behind you.

“Nayeon?” comes Jeongyeon’s worried voice.

You sigh and turn around. Jeongyeon’s coming quickly down the stairs, she’s wearing a cute pink woolen cardigan with jean shorts and you can’t help but feel a smile twitch your lips when you realize she’s ran out of her place without any shoes on.

“Sana said you were here, is something wrong?” she asks, now standing in front of you and looking a little out of breath.

“Oh, you know,” you begin dryly and shrug. “Nothing, just clearly you are Sana are having sex so I thought fuck it.”

Wow. Bitter much?

“Wait what?” Jeongyeon says frowning.

You roll your eyes at her playing dumb.

“Come on up Nayeon, I think we should talk” she says to you calmly.

“Uh… no thanks, I don’t want to interrupt your alone time with your Japanese” you snarl at her and cross your arms.

“Her name’s Sana” Jeongyeon says to you flatly. “And she’s just leaving, she’s going home, I won’t ask again — come up and we’ll talk.”

You roll your eyes but you find yourself following her because it’s pretty hard to say no to anything she says.

Once you get to the threshold, Sana’s actually got on pants this time and is walking out. “It was nice seeing you again Nayeon” she smiles awkwardly at you.

OK, well now you feel a little guilty because she seems sincere. Jeongyeon waves her a way and you walk into Jeongyeon’s place. Whatever. You don’t fucking care.

“Look,” you sigh as soon as you hear the door shut behind you, “I know I have absolutely no right to be jealous, I’m with Jackson, you’re single, you’re allowed to be with whoever you want, but I just hate the thought of you with her, OK? I don’t like. There I said it. I’m fucking jealous” you rant at her and fold your arms.

The silence creeps by and she’s just looking at you with a serious expression on her face.

She clears her throat a little and shifts on her feet. “Are you done?”

You feel like your mother is scolding you as a child.

“Uh… yeah… that’s it” you say awkwardly and lean against the back of the sofa.

Jeongyeon walks to the kitchen door and leans back on the door frame, looking at you in a way that reminds you of the way she looks at you in room 47. Like she’s studying you.

“You’re right about me and Sana but you’re also wrong. Not that my personal life is any of your business but yes, Sana and me are friends, but whenever we’re both not in relationships we have casual sex. It’s nothing serious, I don’t have serious relationships, and I enjoy sex with my friends. Having said that Sana and me haven’t had sex recently, she came over because she was free today and we hung around in here doing nothing. I think I spent at least half the day talking to her about you. She went to kiss me and for the first time ever, I said no. I told her I was too hung up on someone else, so I spent forever talking about you. So whatever Nayeon, your childish jealously wasn’t needed today” she says and gives a cold shrug.

“I… oh…” you sigh and you’re suddenly trying to take all this information in. “You could have kissed her if you want,” you begin, feeling guilty, “you’re right it’s none of my business” you say quietly.

You should just fucking leave.

“Yeah well, it’s not your problem I don’t want to be with anyone else because of you.”

“What?” you ask and you feel your heart stop.

There’s a brief silence and you feel like you could hear a pin drop.

“What?” she parrots back.

“Y-y-you don’t want to be with anyone else?” you ask and your voice is trembling.

Oh fuck.

“Oh,” she sighs shyly and runs her hand down the door frame, “Uhm, no not really. I want to be with you.”

“You want to be with me?” you repeat and you feel like it isn’t sinking in at all.

“I want to be with you,” she whispers back and her eyes soften.

“What do you mean? Like, what would that mean? You being with me…” you ask and you roll your eyes at your own question.

You’re scared that you’ve just somehow misunderstood her.

Jeongyeon suddenly doesn’t look as standoffish and she laughs softly, tilting her head to the side. Slowly, she comes walking toward you and you feel your heart beat louder with every step she takes.

“Well…” she drawls out and a thoughtful smile dances across her lips and she looks up in thought almost as if lost in them. “It means I’d be able to hold you like this” she says softly as she comes to a standstill right in front of you and wraps her arms around your waist.

You immediately tense up at her touch as you feel her hands clasp behind your back, and you feel the warmth of her front press into you. You don’t know what to do with your hands so you place them on her arms. She’s standing here with her arms wrapped around you and you feel all tingly. You can’t breathe. You want to run the fuck away but you feel your boobs graze against hers and instead you lean into her, needing to be closer.

“It means I’d cheer you up when you feel down, and it means we’d go walks in the park. We’d hug on the sofa and watch movies together, play games together, go shopping together and go out together” she says softly and she starts rubbing one of her hands up and down the small of your back and you feel light-headed a little. The motion is putting you into a trance and you feel yourself just melt into her.

“We’d meet each others friends and stuff and eat ice cream together, and we’d argue about who uses the bathroom first in the morning” she says softly and you watch her lips form a larger smile. Bright brown eyes fall down to your lips and her voice drops lower. “I’d make love to you every night, we’d take baths together and I’d do things to you you’ve never even dreamt of before” she breathes and her face is suddenly closer.

You actually fucking swoon and grip her arms tighter. You’re completely hypnotized.

“We’d take vacations together, and you’d put sunscreen on me and I’d hold your hair back if you got drunk and threw up in the toilet” she smirks and her eyes are back on yours.

You give an uneven laugh as you find yourself drowning in her words. Your stomachs doing a million things, it feels like an invisible hand is just using it as its personal squeeze ball.

“I’d take you to nice bars too, and then we’d argue because I’d make you start walking Lucy and you don’t want to get up that early on Sunday but you’d do it anyway because it’s me, but sometimes we’d lie in after hours of me fucking you senseless and then I’d kiss you on the forehead and make you some of my super awesome yummy waffles” she smiles and she’s now so close she’s breathing the words against your face. “I’d hug you a lot and hold your hand, and we’d make plans and we’d just be… together…”

Your hearts thumping around inside your entire body and you just blink slowly at her, completely lost. You feel a tear slide down your own cheek; you’re startled because you didn’t even feel it coming.

“Wow…” you breathe out shakily and she stills her hand on your back once more.

You don’t know what to say, you don’t think you’ve ever heard such a perfect combination of words. You’re so enamored by everything she is.

“Why are you crying gorgeous?” she smiles at you calmly as she brings a hand back round and she gently wipes away the tear that’s now at your chin.

Every time she touches you the blood and cells beneath your skin buzz in excitement.

“Because,” you say quietly and you can’t fucking stand this anymore. “If I wasn’t sure before I’m sure now, I think I am falling in love with you.”

“Mhmm,” Jeongyeon makes an ecstatic humming sound as she smiles wide and serenely at you. “That’s good because I’m falling in love with you too.”

Your whole body just feels like flailing as your mind turns to a blissful mush. You don’t think you’ve ever felt happier in your entire life, and it seems too good to be true you’re expecting something to come along and burst your bubble or for Jeongyeon to suddenly say she’s joking.

Jeongyeon sighs then steps away from you and you instantly miss her touch. “But, you should probably leave before I do something stupid” she smiles and chuckles a little.

“You?” you say surprised and can’t help but grin at her. “But you said you’d never initiate anything.”

“Well, I’m finding that increasingly harder” she smirks at you and twirls shyly on the spot.

You laugh a little and nod. You feel sadness and reality bring you back down to earth. “Jackson’s all I’ve ever known” you admit quietly, “I can’t just leave him… can I?”

You don’t know if you’re actually asking her or of it’s just rhetorical.

She sighs sadly and looks away, “The decision is yours Nayeon, you know what I want, but what is it what you want? Do you want a life with me or with him? You can’t have both, I can’t have all of you if you share yourself with someone else too, and if I can’t have all of you then it’s not worth having.”

Fuck.

You swallow thickly and you try not to fucking cry and wonder how you got so damn lucky to have a woman like this have all these feelings for you.

“Jackson and I have been together for almost ten years, he was my first — my first-time having sex, my first date, my first friend, my first prom. I don’t know what I’d do without him, he’s always just been there,” you divulge further and you start to feel nauseas with guilt again. “Then there’s the money my parents have put into the wedding, and… and Jackson’s face if he ever found out…” you say more quickly and you think you’re beginning to panic.

“Nayeon,” Jeongyeon’s soft voice calls out to you and you feel yourself become instantly calmer. You chew your lip in apprehension as her eyes scan your face. “I know you’re confused and the situation is messy and honestly I’m asking a lot from you, but just think about it. I want you to be happy above all else, if being with Jackson makes you happy, happier than it does than being with me then I’ll just have to accept that.”

Your stomach whirls because you don’t think, especially recently, Jackson’s ever made you as happy as Jeongyeon has. So much so you just want to be with her all the damn time. You wonder what the hell happened and how it all came to this. Did you feel this way about Jackson once and it just faded? You don’t think so; at least, you don’t think you can remember. You don’t ever remember feeling this way about anyone or anything in your entire damn life.

“You make me so happy Jeong, I feel like I’m delirious with happiness… or something…” you mumble and you feel yourself blush and look away.

You hear her giggle faintly.

“You have a lot to think about” Jeongyeon says and there’s a tone of finality in her voice.

You sense it’s time to leave.

You do and find yourself heading to the nearest bar instead of instantly back home. You’ve never even been to this place before but you just need a drink to settle your nerves.

You order scotch on the rocks and you swig it back. You can’t just leave Jackson for another women, can you? What would everyone say behind your back? Your parents would flip their shit of that you’re certain. They’ll all think you’re crazy, especially if they find out Jeongyeon’s also your therapist. Are you crazy? You must be for even thinking about contemplating it. Then again you can’t help but remember Jeongyeon’s words and you never knew you wanted something so badly until she said all of those things. It just feels so right. You finish your drink and order another. You’ve got work tomorrow but you don’t find yourself caring. You want out that damn place anyway.

“Hey darling” a scruff voice from your side suddenly says.

You stare down at your drink but from the corner of your eye you can tell it’s a lame guy trying to hit on you.

“Go away” you say flatly and take another drink.

“Hey, I haven’t even asked you your—”

“Not interested” you say more loudly.

“Well shit, can’t blame a guy for tryin’, what are you a lesbian or something?” he grunts and walks away from you.

Your heart stops and you feel like your eyes are about to pop out from your damn head. Your hands start to shake and you think you’re panicking. Do you look like one? How did he know? Did he know anything about you, did you send off a vibe or something? You feel so offended, embarrassed and ashamed. You finish your drink and storm the hell out. You get a taxi home and the driver is eyeing you in the mirror. Fuck. Can he see it too? What if Jackson can see it? What if everyone starts asking questions? You can’t do this. You really just fucking can’t. When you arrive outside your apartment block your hands are shaking handing over the money and the driver gives you a weird look. Why is everyone fucking looking at you? You can’t breathe. You need to get inside.

You climb the stairs and once again your legs feel like led. You feel so exhausted from the high and lows of the past few days that you don’t know what to do with yourself. You’re freaking out. You can’t be gay. Why did that guy say that though? You told another woman you were falling love with her. With your hands still trembling you reach into your pocket and grab out your phone, you send a text message to Jeongyeon with two simple words in it:

I can’t.

You switch off your phone so she won’t phone you back and you hurry inside the apartment. Jackson’s lying on the sofa watching TV.

“Hey,” he calls out to you, “thought I’d wait up for you I—”

His words are cut off when you find yourself hurrying toward him and you’ve already climbed on top so you’re straddling his hips.

“Wow, Nayeon what are you—”

“Shut up” you say quickly and start to unzip the fly on his jeans.

“What’s gotten into you?”

“Ssshh” you say quickly, “don’t say a word and just fuck me” you say in a desperate, panicky haze.

You can’t do any of this.

You just can’t.


	12. Time

You shift on the sofa you feel like you’ve sat on a million times before and look across wide expectant eyes. They’re not the eyes you’re falling in love with but they are the caring eyes of Irene and you’re in Room 47, which right now is almost the next best thing. You’ve been talking a while about your sexuality again but you’ve given short and vague answers, you still don’t want to talk or think about it, in fact you think she’s been doing most of the talking today. You’re still in shock at what happened last night. Jeongyeon bared her soul to you and you got scared like a fucking child and ran back to Jackson. Having sex with him was just…

“Nayeon?”

Irene reels you out of your thoughts.

“You said you had intercourse with Jackson, I asked you how it felt?”

“Oh,” you breathe and you must’ve zoned out trying to find an answer. “It felt like… nothing” you say simply and shrug like you can’t believe your own answer.

“Nothing?” she repeats.

“Yeah… nothing. I’m beginning to wonder if it always felt like nothing and I’m only now just realizing” you mumble completely lost in thought. Truth is, you’ve been walking around in a daze ever since yesterday. “It wasn’t bad or good it just… was. I was desperate to get off and that’s all I thought about, my mind was completely blank. I didn’t think about Jackson or even the woman I have feelings for.”

Irene sighs and looks a little conflicted “Look Nayeon, I know it’s Jeongyeon, OK?”

Your eyes feel like they’re about to pop out your damn head and you just stare at her, feeling embarrassment and a sense of being caught creep up in your face.

She smiles reassuringly at you though, “She told me, in truth I think I was the only colleague she trusted the information with, I mean I don’t agree with this whole situation at all, but I would never take further action against Jeongyeon, for several reasons that I wont get into. Anyway continue,” she says, her soft voice doing nothing to calm your nerves.

“I… how… when did she—”

Irene raises a hand to silence you. “It’s not really important is it? I know it’s Jeongyeon, the only reason why I told you is so you stop saying ’that woman’” she smiles a little humorously at you.

“OK,” you say and gulp, trying to push her knowing it’s Jeongyeon to the back of your mind. “I didn’t feel anything, cause when Jeongyeon touches me, even just like… a little hand touch or something like that you know? I feel like I’m alive, and that simple touch does more to me than Jackson ever does, even during sex. The level of feelings and intimacy just isn’t there with Jackson, it’s like, its just sex. Everything is just sex and afterwards I just feel numb, like I don’t want to cuddle up to him or do stuff with him, in my head I imagine waking up to Jeongyeon and I feel so high just thinking about it, I’d stay in her bed forever, I’d talk to her forever and I feel stupid for not realizing that I don’t really feel that way about Jackson. With him everything is so monotonous and the same, there’s no high any more, I don’t think there ever was.”

You feel like you’re having another epiphany and frankly you feel scared and vulnerable.

“I see,” Irene says gently, “so you say you panicked at what Jeongyeon told you, what part specifically were you thinking about?”

“I don’t know” you shrug and try to think; you really don’t have the concentration right now. “When she described what being with me would be like I just… I was alarmed at how willingly I was about to drop my entire life for everything she just said. For a split second I was going to do it, I had already imagined packing and going over to Jeongyeon’s place. I was so happy in that second.”

“I see,” Irene says again, “and that’s when you went to the bar,” she concludes.

You nod, having already told her the whole story.

“Do you feel better talking about it today?”

You nod a little at her.

“Do you feel like you need to do anything to change your circumstances or are you happy with where you’re at right now?”

“I’m obviously not happy” you roll your eyes at her. “I don’t know, I feel like yesterday and last night changed things, I know one thing for certain.”

“Oh? What’s that?” Irene asks curiously.

“I can’t keep going on like this” you say simply.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m pretending,” you say quietly.

By the time you get home you feel exhausted, having had little sleep and over-thinking for the majority of the day. Your head hurts from thinking so much and your feet hurt from walking.

“Hey honey” Jackson says as you enter the hallway and kisses you on the cheek.

You close your eyes and try not to wince. You wonder why and when everything changed and if they’ll ever change back. “You’re home early,” you note as you take off your shoes.

“Yep” Jackson grins happily and points over his shoulder, “I’ve cooked us dinner too.”

“Thanks,” you smile at him gratefully.

He goes back into the kitchen.

The phone rings that’s on the table in the hallway and you pick it up.

“Hello?” you answer.

“Ah, Nayeon, I trust you are well?” comes your mother’s voice.

You roll your eyes and slump the receiver against your ear. “Yes mother,” you say back tonelessly, “is there something you needed? It’s only that I’m just in the door and kind of tired—”

“You’re always tired Nayeon,” your mother snaps at you, “listen to me, your father and I are coming over for dinner next week, shall we say Thursday?”

You roll your eyes again, you hate the way she just invites herself into your life when it’s convenient for her. Truth is, you kind of hate your parents, they love Jackson but they are cold toward you and always have been even when you were a child. Your mother is a volunteer worker that often helps out at churches and your dad’s a doctor, they weren’t around a lot and you had to handle a lot of things on your own, you only really had friends to lean on as a teenager. Specifically Jackson. Still, you don’t see them much nowadays either, they are only interested in you if you’ve (in their eyes) achieved something, and apparently getting married to a successful boy counts as achieving something.

“Fine mother,” you say through gritted teeth.

“Im Nayeon, I am your mother, how many times must I tell you to change your attitude, you’re 25 not 15 anymore” she drawls into your ear and you feel like fucking hanging up on her.

“Yes mother,” you say monotonously. “Next Thursday, got it. Any particular reason to which we owe the pleasure?”

You try really hard not to let the sarcasm drip from your voice.

“No, your father and I merely wish to discuss things regarding the wedding budget and actually have a few ideas of our own.”

Your stomach lurches with dread and guilt and you stutter a little.

“Speak up” your mother barks down the receiver.

“I uh… fine, look mom I need to go, I’ll see you next week, OK?”

“Fine, goodbye, give my regards to Jackson.”

The line goes dead.

You slam the receiver down, “Love you too,” you say dryly at it.

As soon as you hang up, your mobile begins to vibrate inside your bag.

“Jesus fucking Christ” you sigh and fetch it out, throwing your bag down by your shoes. You look at the screen and see that it’s Jihyo.

“Hey Hyo” you answer.

“Nayeon” she snaps at you.

What the actual fuck is this? Be mean to Nayeon day?

“What?” you say defensively.

“Uh… you were supposed to invite Jeongyeon to go shopping with us this weekend.”

You stare into space trying to think really hard, you’ve kind of been pushing last night the back of your mind. It suddenly clicks and dawns on you that you went round to Jeongyeon’s to invite her to go shopping and ended up not asking her at all.

“Sorry Jihyo, we… got distracted…”

“Well it’s fine, I texted her and asked, she’s up for it.”

“Wait what? You mean her phone is working?” you ask confused.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“Oh, nothing” you mumble. She hadn’t replied to your text last night, maybe she knows what it meant; maybe she’s mad at you, avoiding you.

“OK well, I told her we’d meet her at Starbucks then head to the mall on Saturday.”

“OK, thanks Jihyo.”

You say your goodbyes and spend the rest of the night napping on the sofa. You know you probably shouldn’t sleep during the day because it affects your sleep at night but you can’t help it. You’ve only been on the medication two weeks but so far you don’t feel a difference.

Come Saturday it’s been yet another week since you last saw Jeongyeon and you feel miserable without her but for the first time you think you don’t want to see her, if only because of how you last left her. Maybe you can lie, maybe you can say that text was meant for someone else and you text it to her by accident? No, that wouldn’t work, she can normally see right through you. You’re nervous as you get ready and you’re so god damn nervous that she might be mad at you, you decide to use your best god given assets. You put on your black and green-striped dress that you know hugs your figure flawlessly, you zip up your long black boots over your just-shaven legs. You look in the mirror and breathe a little easier. Your make-up and hair is perfect, your legs look awesome and this dress is fucking magical. You’re hot, you’ve got nothing to worry about, and this dress always works with guys giving you attention. Jeongyeon’s not a guy though. Maybe women work differently?

“Dear god Nayeon, you must really like Jeongyeon, you’re about as subtle as a brick to the face” says Jihyo as you enter Starbucks and sit at the table. “You do know we’re only going shopping and not out to a fancy restaurant?”

You smirk at her and give a smug shrug. You look hot, you don’t care.

“Look,” you say frankly and you feel people look your way. You feel like a damn movie star or something. “Jeongyeon and I… we sort of kissed… well… I kissed her,” you say to her quietly.

Jihyo pulls her chair closer to you and slaps the back of your head.

“Im Nayeon” she hisses at you.

“Ow!” you groan at her and rub the back of your head feeling it sting a little. “What was the for!?”

“You’re having an affair!”

“I know,” you sigh. “I dunno Jihyo, I’m beginning to think maybe this wedding is a mistake, I can feel it in my bones.”

“You’ll feel something in your bones in a minute if you don’t shut up about your stupid girl crush” Jihyo hisses like she’s afraid to be overheard. “How can you do this to Jackson?”

You begin to feel nauseas again with guilt and by this time you feel like you can actually get used to the feeling, it’s like you’ve almost become accustomed to it. “I just… I really like her, I think I’m falling in love with her” you say quietly.

Jihyo’s brown eyes soften and the frown buried in her brow slowly disappears. “My god,” she breathes silently, “you’re serious, aren’t you?”

It’s like she expected this to be a phase and to pass. It’s like she expected you to return to your usual self, the usual self that’s always with Jackson, like he’s part of you. He is part of you and for the first time in your life you’re beginning to resent that fact.

“I think maybe… I want to be with her… I don’t know… I’m scared to be honest.”

Jihyo looks at you like you’re a totally different person and honestly you don’t blame her because you don’t really talk about feelings, especially with Jihyo, so if you’re being honest with her she must know how serious you are.

“I can’t believe I just said that because last week I was running the hell away from the idea” you say and give a hollow laugh at yourself.

Before you can say anything else Jeongyeon comes walking through the door and instantly see’s you both, she gives a small smile as she nears your table. She’s wearing black pants with soft boots and a grey baggy jumper that looks way too big for her, she’s also got a little green scarf round her neck and you feel your heart flutter a little at how cute she looks.

“Hi” she says softly as she comes to the table. She stretched out her hand to Jihyo who stands up and shakers her hand back.

“God, it’s been like a year since I actually seen you last” Jihyo notes politely with a smile.

“10 months” Jeongyeon smiles back and they both sit down. “How are you doing? Dating?” she asks.

Jihyo nods a little, “Casually, but I’m getting out there.”

Jeongyeon tilts her head to the side and looks a little proud, “Good for you Jihyo, that’s great” she says sincerely.

You suddenly feel kind of awkward, like you are intruding, you almost forgot about the fact that Jeongyeon was also Jihyo’s counselor and helped her get over the pain of loosing Daniel in an accident.

Jeongyeon looks to you like she’s just noticed you and you watch with delight as her mouth drops open just a little and her brown eyes travel downward and rest around your chest area.

“Hi Nayeon” she says slowly and she’s not even making eye contact, it’s like she’s talking to your boobs.

You think you just puffed out your chest so they look bigger but you’re not sure. You clear your throat a little and you see embarrassment sweep across her features as her cheeks tinge pink a little and her eyes snap back up to yours.

“Hey Jeong” you smirk at her knowingly and swing your crossed leg flirtatiously.

It works as Jeongyeon’s eyes fall to your legs just beneath the table and you laugh a little as she looks back up quickly to your face again. It’s kind of nice to feel like the one in control of the situation for a change.

Jihyo clears her throat loudly and you both turn to face her. She looks kind of annoyed.

“You two want an order before we go?” she asks.

“Uh… yeah I guess, just a coffee, decaf though,” Jeongyeon says.

Jihyo stands up and looks to you, “what about you?”

“Same” you say to her and you’re not really listening, you’re too busy looking at how soft Jeongyeon’s hair looks today.

“Nayeon,” Jihyo quirks an eyebrow at you, “you hate decaf.”

You turn to her sassily and speak through gritted teeth, “Well then get me something that takes the longest to make.”

Jeongyeon laughs a little as Jihyo rolls her eyes at you and storms off toward the queue at the front.

Jeongyeon laughs shyly again and looks straight into your eyes, you smile at her still pink cheeks and you kind of just want to pinch them.

“Hi,” she says softly again, tucking blonde hair behind her ear shyly.

“Hi,” you find yourself giggling back. Maybe she isn’t mad at you. “You haven’t been in touch, are you OK?”

Jeongyeon nods and looks at you thoughtfully, you watch as she grabs the laminated menu on the table and begins to fiddle with the edge of it. “It’s just, I didn’t really understand your last text message so I thought it’d be best not to talk to you unless face to face.”

“To be honest I didn’t understand my last text message either” you say quietly to her and shrug a shoulder at her. “After our… talk… I kind of panicked that’s all.”

Jeongyeon chews her bottom lip and nods. “I see.”

You really don’t want to make a huge deal out of it.

“You look sexy” Jeongyeon breathes quietly and bats her eyelashes away from you down to the menu.

You feel your cheeks warm and you fiddle with your knuckles nervously. “Thanks” you laugh a little.

The day drags in and you really wish Jihyo wasn’t here. Not because you don’t enjoy her company, but because she spends the rest of the day going out of her way to keep you away from Jeongyeon. When she drives to the mall you were going to sit in the back with Jeongyeon, but Jihyo gave you a death glare that just screamed ’sit in the front with me or I’ll kill you in your sleep’. The three of you spend the day at the mall going into shops and looking at various dresses, deciding which would be the best color. Whenever you got near Jeongyeon, Jihyo would come in and distract her with idle conversation. You really want to hit her back. You don’t know if she’s protecting you or just deliberately annoying you. You can’t even fucking walk next to her without Jihyo shoving herself in between your bodies.

Eventually the three of you are all in the last shop and it’s getting late in the afternoon.

“I think we should go for a light brown or cream color for the bridesmaids dresses, are we agreed?”

Jeongyeon smiles and nods, you notice she already has several appropriate dresses flung over her arm.

“I’m going to keep looking, they don’t seem to have my size” Jihyo informs you and right now she feels like a fucking school teacher trying to babysit you both on a school trip out. “You should go try them on Jeongyeon, they look great” she smiles.

Jeongyeon walks away and you go to follow her but Jihyo’s grabbed your arm.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she says to you sternly.

You groan and roll your eyes at her, “I just want to be with Jeongyeon, maybe even talk to her a little, what’s the big fucking deal?”

“You’re getting married to Jackson, that’s the big deal,” she counters.

“I’m allowed to talk to my friend,” you snap back.

“Whatever, stay close to me” Jihyo calls to you and she bends over looking at various shoes.

While she’s distracted you decide to slowly back away and you practically bolt in the opposite direction and out of her line of sight. She’s so going to kill you later. You look for the changing room sign and you walk speedily toward it. You see a flash of blonde hair just about to enter.

“Jeongyeon” you call out and by the time you reach her you’re slightly out of breath.

She turns around looking surprised “Hey,” she smiles “you managed to cut the ball and chain?” she smirks playfully at you.

You laugh awkwardly feeling embarrassed, “Look, I need to apologize on behalf of Jihyo today, she’s just—”

“Being a good friend” Jeongyeon finishes and looks at you sadly.

“Right” you sigh.

The both of you stand in a brief silence.

“Well, I’m going to go try these on” she says, holding up the dresses on her arm.

“I’ll just wait out here till you’re done” you say to her and decide maybe you can both talk when she’s done. If Jihyo doesn’t find you both that is.

She frowns at you, “This is for your wedding Nayeon” she says shortly. “I at least need your opinion.”

“My opinion?”

“Yes, come in with me” she says like it was obvious.

You just nod slowly and follow her.

The assistant smiles at you as she hands Jeongyeon a card and you both move along the row of changing cubicles, Jeongyeon deciding to head toward the second last one. You stand outside and look down at your watch. “OK make this quick though.”

Jeongyeon runs her hand over the dresses she has draped over her arm and looks at you in confusion. “You’re coming in here with me.”

You swallow. “W-what? Why would I want to do that?”

She shrugs. “It’ll give us a chance to talk, Jihyo’s sort of been cockblocking us all day” she smirks at you.

You can’t help but give a nervous laugh as you bounce on your feet and look down the corridor in hesitation. You feel like Jihyo’s going to pounce out at any moment and give you into trouble.

Jeongyeon raises her arm up, holding the changing room door open. “Get in” she says, nudging her head.

You open your mouth to say something but your mind goes blank so you just follow her command.

You close your eyes as you scoot by her and you feel shame and regret when you hear her shut the stall door behind you. You’re so damn nervous because you have a lot you need to say to her. She hooks the dresses on the hooks on the wall and you sit down on the little leather seat in the corner. The changing room is small and consists of a large rectangular wall mounted mirror, a wall light and the chair you’re sitting on.

“I know what you’re doing,” she says firmly and the two of you are just crammed into this small space you even feel the heat from her body.

“What?” you ask confused.

“You tell me not to flirt with you then you suddenly decide to wear the tightest, shortest dress that pushes your round soft looking boobs upwards and I feel they’re like talking to me” Jeongyeon deadpans, her eyes dropping downward.

You try stifling a laugh.

“Maybe I was wrong, maybe I don’t want you to stop flirting with me,” you husk and you suddenly have the urge to take off your dress. It’s really hot in the small space in here. “You’ve been staring at my tits all day” you find yourself smiling up at her.

“Im Nayeon” she drawls out, a smirk dancing across her lips, “are you flirting with me?” she asks lowly.

“Maybe” you swallow thickly and shift in your seat. “Now would be a really good time to take off your clothes. Slowly though. Ugh. I didn’t mean it like—”

“It’s OK Nayeon,” Jeongyeon says quietly with a bashful smile, “you can watch.”

You let out a shaky breath as she takes off her scarf and throws it onto the floor, her eyes not leaving yours. It’s like she’s stripping for you. You rest your clammy hands on your lap, you need to tell her how you feel, you need to tell her about Jackson and then you need to tell her not to stop undressing.

“I slept with Jackson,” you say to her quietly.

Jeongyeon’s face turns a little whiter as her mouth forms an ’o’ shape. She stands a little more awkwardly now and looks down at you with a blank expression on her face.

You suddenly stand up and it wasn’t a good idea because you’re right in front of her, you’re pretty sure there isn’t even enough room for two people in here. You shift away from her and decide to look at the mirror, her eyes are on yours still and you have no idea what she’s thinking. She comes walking up to you till she’s behind you and the position is oh so familiar, she tilts her head so she’s hovering over your shoulder and brown eyes are baring into your own in the mirror. You never realized before but you really like the height difference between the both of you.

“Was it horrible? Did you stop it?” she asks and she chews her bottom lip in trepidation in a way that makes you feel even guiltier.

You look her in the eye through the mirror and shake your head slowly.

“So,” she continues and her voice sounds weaker “you liked it?”

You shake your head again and your eyes feel moist yet you don’t feel like crying. You think you’re about two seconds from jumping her bones. You feel sad and horny at the same time and it’s an odd, oxymoronic whirlwind of feelings spinning inside you right now.

“Would you do it again?” she whispers over your shoulder

You shake your head for the third time. “I… I was just concentrating on getting off, after all that wonderful stuff you told me about us being together I just panicked and… it sort of just happened…”

“Oh,” she sighs and you can’t tell if she’s hurt, disappointed or indifferent about it.

“I don’t know if I can do this with you, being with you… the thought scares me, but at the same time sleeping with Jackson made me realize too much has changed, he just doesn’t feel right anymore, I’m beginning to wonder if he ever did.”

You turn around and you can feel a tear fall down your cheek but you don’t even feel sad, you just feel guilty and relieved.

Jeongyeon’s eyes look deep at you like she’s trying to read something from your face. She brings her hand up and gently wipes away your tear, you gasp at the contact as the palm of her hand burns the cells under your skin.

“Do I feel right?” she whispers.

“Oh yeah” you breathe and it comes out more as a moan. You feel your cheeks flush in embarrassment and Jeongyeon smirks a little, her eyes fall hooded and dark and you swallow thickly feeling like you’re about to melt into a puddle.

“So there’s not gonna be a wedding huh?” she asks you and her voice is low and thick. She drops her hand but it feels like she’s leaning in closer to you.

“Probably not” you mumble, feeling too hot in this small-enclosed space. You blink profusely because everything is starting to become blurry.

It’s not until the sight of your own heaving chest catches your eye that you realize you’re both panting heavily, stealing the very little air in here.

“I guess there’s no need for me to try on these dresses then… unless…” she trails off and leaves her suggestion in the air.

You watch her numbly as her tongue runs playfully along her top lip.

“You could try them on… if you want…” you find yourself saying before you can stop yourself.

Jeongyeon’s eyelids fall heavier and hooded as they run from your feet slowly up till they meet your eyes again. She places her palm over your stomach and pushes you back forcefully so your back hits the wall with a small thud and the wall shakes a little.

“Ugh…” you moan out and you’re not sure if it’s in pleasure or pain.

You almost can’t stand the tension and the way she’s looking at you.

Her eyes are brimming with lust as she smirks at you and turns around; she slowly drags her jumper up till she pulls it over her head and drops it to the floor along with her scarf. Her blonde hair falls down, showing all her naked torso. She’s not wearing anything underneath.

“It’s so hot in here” she says fanning herself weakly. She whips her hair to one side and mischievous brown eyes glance at you over her bare shoulder.

“So hot” you mumble staring at her naked back, the muscles there rippling with her every movement and the light bouncing of the small of her back highlighting the thin layer of sweat there.

You need to grab something but your clammy hands find nothing but the wall your leaning desperately against.

Jeongyeon slowly turns around with a knowing smirk.

You gasp and bite your bottom lip as your eyes roam her body.

She steps toward you so she’s right in front of you and you feel like everything is moving in slow motion. Your shaky breathing is leaving you hot with embarrassment; she must think you’re fucking asthmatic or something.

“So you like never wear a bra?” you stutter stupidly at her, staring down at her small breasts and pink nipples that are slightly hardened at the tips. Her milky shade skin looks so smooth.

“You can touch if you want” she breathes quietly and clasps her warm hands around your wrists. “Do… do you want to?”

“Yes.”

Fuck.

You just said yes. You’re going to touch boobs, another woman’s boobs. Your heart begins to quaver.

She brings your hands up slowly toward her chest, her eyes never leaving yours and you feel like your stomach is just going to fall to the floor.

“Wait” you say quickly and she stops. “Let me,” you say quietly and she unclasps her hands from around your wrists.

You can’t believe how brave you’re being.

Your hands are shaking but you slowly reach out a hand and cup under her left breast.

“Oh my god” you breathe out nervously and it feels so warm and full in your hand.

Before you fucking change your mind you squeeze her small breast in your palm and move your thumb slowly up till it grazes her nipple.

She gasps.

Your head snaps up and you feel your own arousal pool between your legs when her head is flung back but her hooded eyes are still transfixed on you, she’s panting and her mouth is slightly agape. Holy fuck. Do you really have this effect on her?

“You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever met” you breathe unevenly and caress the pad of your thumb over her nipple in circular motions, amazed how quickly the nub is hardening at your touch.

She’s just staring at you in wonder, her mouth agape, her eyes traveling between your own and your hand. You decide to move your hand further down and you graze your fingertips gently over her stomach, you smirk a little when you see her abdomen muscles tremble and tighten at your touch. You take note of all the cute freckles on her skin.

She runs a hand through her blonde locks and looks at you wantonly.

She’s just so…

You carefully trace your index finger down to her protruding hipbone and you circle around it, you’re kind of mesmerized and you think you can touch her forever. You want to touch her everywhere forever.

Your breathing hitches when Jeongyeon swats your hand away and leans her body into you; she arches her back against you so you feel her hardened nipples brush against the skin just above your dress line.

“Holy… fuck…” you sigh contently and you feel like you can’t breathe.

You swallow at the unconcealed desire in the dark hooded eyes now glaring at you; she leans further into your personal space, presses her whole front into you and comes to your ear whispering “I bet you’re so wet for me right now.”

You whimper as your throat closes in on itself as you let her words slink their way into your mind and drop down to settle and burn between your legs.

Jeongyeon leans back and her cheeks are slightly pink and she looks like she’s sweating a little, and you know you’re sweating a lot because your thighs are sticking together. The air in here is too warm and close.

Jeongyeon’s fingers come down and play with the hem of your dress and before you know it she’s pulling your dress up, the tight material clinging to your skin.

“Oh… my…”

You can’t believe this is happening. Oh my god. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This is actually happening right now. Your heart’s beating so hard you feel like you can’t hear properly.

You gasp as her fingers graze your thighs and you feel warmth grow deep inside you and your skin tingles wherever she touches. You’ve never felt so fucking exposed in all your life as you stand here, the dress now up around your waist and nothing but your satin black panties on display for her.

It’s not until the air hits your panties that you realize how wet you are. You’re practically trembling on the spot.

Jeongyeon’s face is in front of you and she licks her lips eagerly looking downward.

You have your thighs clenched together and you grab at Jeongyeon’s biceps as her hands are stilled at your waist. You feel like you’re about to keel over.

She glances at you as if silently asking for permission and all you can do is lean your head back, close your eyes and try breathe evenly in preparation.

Jeongyeon slinks her fingers downward slowly, tracing the edge of your underwear until she runs her fingers downward over your panties and presses against your clit.

“F-fuck… me… I…” you gasp and quickly claw at the back of her neck, your nails digging into her skin. You find yourself pulling her further into you.

Your whole body is alight and on fire. You feel your sex throb against her like it’s trying to physically tear away from your body to reach closer to her.

She definitely touches you in ways Jackson never has.

Her touch even burns and tingles through the thin damp material of your underwear. You moan loudly as she slowly starts moving her fingers through your sex, parting your aching folds and building up a heat that’s causing your head to spin and your stomach to knot.

“I… can’t… breathe… so… fucking… good” you pant against her and grip the skin on her arm and the back of her neck so tight she hisses.

“Look how wet you are for me” she groans into the side of your face and starts nipping and kissing your cheek.

Your eyes roll to the back of your head and a low guttural moan escapes your lips. Her digits move seamlessly though the sticky satin material of your underwear, which is already clinging to your throbbing sex like a goddamn second skin. You begin rocking your hips into her motions a little in desperation. You’ve never felt this good in your entire life. If this is what she feels like through a layer of material, you can’t even imagine skin on skin, flesh on flesh.

Everything is so hot and heavy and blurry.

You’re lost.

You scratch the back of her neck deeper.

The ends of her fingers twist upward a little and you feel the tips of her fingers enter you just ever so slightly, the material of your underwear going up inside you along with her fingers and your wet folds clinging at the deeper sensation desperately. You groan because you need to feel her inside of you, all of her, not through material, and not just a little. You want all of her inside of you as much as possible.

Jeongyeon suddenly pulls her hand away and you feel the material of your underwear still sticking up inside you.

“Ahh…” you sigh loudly at the loss of contact. “Please.”

Jeongyeon smirks at you a little and brings her hand up to her face, your mouth drops open as you can see the tips of her fingers seeped in your wetness and she looks at you darkly before taking the two fingers to her mouth and sucking on the ends of them, her heavy lidded eyes engrossed by your own.

“Jeongyeon” you whimper at her and you actually feel your heart tremble against your ribcage.

You’re letting a woman touch your most intimate area and you’ve never felt more natural or alive in your entire fucking life.

“Mhmm” she hums and sucks her fingers, releasing them with a wet pop. “You taste… awesome…” she grins at you, her brown catlike eyes baring into your damn soul.

She’s the most sexiest, loveliest person you’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

You both still and you see her eyes go wide when you hear someone come walking closer to the stall. There’s an impatient knock on the door and you instinctively cover your mouth.

“Hey, what’s taking you guys so long?” comes Jihyo’s annoyed voice.

Jeongyeon clears her throat, “We’ll be out in a minute, I stubbed my toe” she says, her voice thick and she shrugs at you like that’s all she could come up with.

You try suppressing a laugh.

“Fine” Jihyo says shortly and you hear her walk away.

The air suddenly isn’t so clammy and Jeongyeon almost looks shy again and she’s smiling uncertainly at you. You feel your heart swell as you grin back at her.

“So,” she says slowly, laughing a little as she grabs the edge of your dress and tugs it back down.

“Thanks” you whisper feebly, unable to do much with her still this close to you. “Now I just feel frustrated and I think I’m about to explode.”

“Yeah, sorry about that” Jeongyeon skews her mouth, “we got carried away, I don’t want to… do… that… when you’re still with Jackson, you know?”

You nod and you feel the familiar sensation of guilt and reality swirling in your stomach. You watch in silence as Jeongyeon flings her sweater back over her body, her hair slightly a mess. She turns around to you and you try even it out with your hand subconsciously. You’re touching her without even thinking about it.

“Sorry,” you mumble withdrawing your hand. You wipe your forehead because you think you’ve lost a gallon in sweat and you feel your sex still throb awkwardly against your damp underwear. You just want to get home and take a shower now.

“I’m leaving Jackson,” you say quickly.

She stares at you like she can’t believe what she just heard but nods slowly in understanding.

“I mean, I’ve been feeling this way for a while now, deep down maybe even before I met you that this wedding was a bad idea. Then there’s you…” you trail off and you hate that she gets you talking about your feelings so easily. “I feel like all my life with Jackson I’ve been settling for…” you trail off and you try come up with some clever metaphor to articulate to her just how much you feel like she’s woken you up from a long slumber.

“Go on” she says gently, smiling faintly.

You gulp as she reaches out and holds your hand, her palm is just as clammy as yours and you feel your skin stick wonderfully to hers.

“I feel like with Jackson I’ve been living on this diet of cheap chocolate all my life, which you know tastes OK cause it’s chocolate and everybody loves chocolate, everybody expects you to like and eat chocolate. Then along you come and you’re just this giant creamy, expertly made, hella expensive chocolate, that’s dark and has layers and tastes so good on every level and when I get one bite, that one bite is better than the lifetime of chocolate that I’ve already been eating because there’s that feeling like…there it is…this is what chocolates supposed to taste like, this is how good it’s supposed to feel. After all this time I didn’t know that this is how it was supposed to feel because I had always been eating this same damn chocolate and people around me kept telling me it’s the best damn chocolate there is but clearly it isn’t because there’s you, you’re the chocolate for me.”

You suddenly stop rambling and realize you’re talking about fucking chocolate. You grip her hand tighter in yours and give her an awkward shrug. “Sorry that probably sounds stupid, I’m not very good with words or feelings or anything but—”

She cuts you off when her soft lips meet your own.

You close your eyes and hum contently, feeling like you’re floating as she gently kisses your lips and all too quickly she pulls away leaving your lips damp and wanting more. You open your eyes and you’re rendered speechless.

“What do you need?” she asks, her smile widening and her eyes looking happy and serene in a way that it calms you, even the thud between your legs a little.

You love that she gets you on a deeper level that she can cut straight to the chase.

“Time” you say quietly. “I just need time to figure myself out and time to tell Jackson, I mean it’s all about the timing,” you mumble, beginning to get lost in panicky scenarios.

“What will you tell him?”

“The truth” you counter and look her firmly in the eye. You think you’re squeezing her hand like a vice grip by this point but she hasn’t said anything so you don’t care.

“Which is?”

You chew your lip and feel your heart beat a little faster. “That I’ve been seeing someone else, that I’m falling in love with someone else.”

She smiles coyly and looks down away from you, swinging your hand from side to side like a shy schoolgirl.

You can’t help but just grin at her. She makes you so happy.

“OK” she nods. “If time is what you need, I’ll wait, but you must know that you don’t have a lot of it, right?”

Time.

It’s beginning to run out.

“I know” you say nervously. “I’m scared Jeong” you admit feebly and you feel your voice tremble. “I feel like I’m on the brink, like my whole life it’s about to drastically change.”

Jeongyeon considers you for a moment before saying honestly “Yes Nayeon, it probably will.”

You actually weren’t expecting that answer.

“But in time, it’ll just feel like your regular life again, and hopefully this time it will be a life that is more your own and one you are more happy in.”

You can’t find the words so you just fling yourself at her, wrapping your arms around her neck and bringing her into a warm embrace. She rubs her hands affectionately up and down your back as you sway a little into the hug.

“Thank you” you breathe into her ear with as much sincerity and unadulterated feelings as you can muster. You really mean to thank her for everything. You inhale the scent of her hair and just lean further into her side. You smile when she rests her head on your shoulder and you feel like you’ve never felt more perfectly part of something than you do now, like you’re both puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly and are in fact the only two pieces that exist anyway so building the larger picture doesn’t seem so important.

“I just need more time,” you emphasize to her again.

You do though.

You need time to say goodbye to your life as you know it.

You just don’t feel brave or ready enough.


	13. Lap dance

It’s Thursday, the day you’ve been dreading all week. The day your parents come over for a few hours for dinner and shower Jackson with compliments whilst giving you nothing but passive-aggressive criticism. You’ve been texting Jeongyeon back and forth for a few days; you’re practically pining to see her again since you haven’t since your shopping day trip last week.

“Pass the salad Nayeon” comes your mother’s irate voice.

You blink at her having being lost in your own thoughts. You realize you and Jackson are sitting at the dining room table with your parents. You pass over the dish without a word. You’ve been told you look like your mom but you don’t really see it, she has the same eyes but that’s about it. She doesn’t seem to age though and you guess that’s one thing to be thankful to her for.

“Continue on with your story sweetie” your mother smiles sweetly, continuing her meal.

You hate when she calls him that, you even told Jackson to tell them as much but at this point you think your mom and dad just do it to annoy you, like they do everything to annoy you.

“Uh… well it turned out the property was bought by Jeongyeon, Nayeon’s therapist” Jackson smiles.

You freeze and stare at him. Honestly you haven’t been listening to a word all three of them have been saying all night but you give your best icy cold glare to Jackson right now. You hadn’t told your parents you were seeing a therapist. You almost laugh, if only they knew.

“A therapist?” your mother scoffs. “You’re seeing a therapist? Whatever for?” she asks like it’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard. Maybe it is.

“Well you know,” you mumble feeling ashamed, “I’ve been feeling down lately and losing sleep.”

Your parents literally both roll their eyes at the same at you.

“Appa… you’re a doctor, if a patient came in with the same symptoms you would have referred them to a counselor right?” you ask in some vein attempt to get him on side.

A little fucking support now and then wouldn’t hurt.

“Maybe” he scoffs. “But I’d give them medication and tell them to pull up their socks, counseling is only for people who’ve had it rough in life and have real problems, or did we not spoil you enough as a child?” he retorts.

Jackson skews his mouth and shoots you an apologetic look.

Your parents have did nothing but condemn you ever since they came around tonight. You made the starter before dinner, a prawn cocktail salad, a simple fucking dish and they did nothing but complain about it, Jackson made the main meal and they’ve did nothing but praise him, it’s sickening. Sometimes you wonder if your parents resent you because they secretly wanted a son or something, and that’s what they see in Jackson. Well, that’s the only explanation you can come up with, it’s either that or they hate you. You actually wonder briefly what Jeongyeon would have to say about them, both as a person and a counselor. Fuck. You miss her.

You had a short session with Irene in Room 47 on Tuesday; you only really discussed the possibility of leaving Jackson for Jeongyeon with her. You told Jeongyeon you needed time to figure things out but you’re beginning to find the longer time drags on, even days seem like years, you honestly don’t think you can lie for much longer. Jackson kissing you goodnight is painful enough, you almost cry yourself silently to sleep at night because of the guilt. Irene told you to do things your way, that you could either “rip the Band-Aid off” all at once and tell Jackson everything or just end the relationship and come to terms with everything else afterwards. Fight or flight. You honestly don’t know which idea you prefer, in your head you like the second idea better but your guts telling you that in the moment you’ll just tell Jackson everything. How does one plan on a conversation that’s basically going to change their lives forever? Are you even ready for that?

You feel your phone buzz in your pocket and you read a text message from Jeongyeon and it makes your heart stop, you smile down stupidly at her text which is simply a smiley face. You try not to laugh at how ridiculous and Jeongyeon-like it is to simply text someone a smile.

“Uh… excuse me I have a call to make, won’t be long” you excuse yourself from the table and you can feel your mother’s disapproving look sear the back of your head as you slip into the kitchen, carefully closing over the door behind you.

You press one button and already you’re calling Jeongyeon.

Yeah so you have her on speed dial, so fucking what?

You hold up your phone waiting anxiously for her to pick up and eventually she does.

“Hi, I’ve missed you” Jeongyeon’s silky smooth voice comes oozing out the receiver.

You sigh in relief almost and tilt your head, “God, I’ve missed you too,” you admit and cringe a little feeling embarrassed without really knowing why. You guess you don’t want to sound like a total sap. “What are you doing, when can I see you again? Can I come see you later? It’s just I’m having the shittiest of nights, my parents are over and I just… I need you to take me away from here” you laugh a little and roll your eyes at how pathetic you must sound.

“I’ll take you anywhere you want to go Nayeon” Jeongyeon replies.

You give a cynical laugh, “Anywhere, as long as you’re with me.”

Jeongyeon makes a groan and she sounds like she’s conflicted, “I have plans tonight with Sana though.”

“Oh” you breathe not even able to mask your disappointment. You’re pretty sure your heart just crumbled. “W-w-what kinda plans?”

Do you even want to know?

“She’s rehearsing and she wants my opinion, that’s all” Jeongyeon says simply. “Why? Are you jealous?”

“Yes” you gulp and double check the door is still closed over. “Knowing that you two were… I just… I’m not comfortable with it.”

Jeongyeon giggles, “That’s a silly thing to say don’t you think?” she asks and you can’t tell if she’s in counselor mode or not, you think she is a little because you sense she’s about to give you one of her many pearls of wisdom.

“Why is that?” you ask anyway.

“Well there’s nothing going on between me and Sana but you’re still jealous, and yet… you have Jackson,” she says sagely.

“So? You know how I feel about you, you know my situation,” you whisper looking to the door and hoping nobody is eavesdropping.

“Doesn’t make it any less harder for me Nayeon” Jeongyeon says calmly.

“Yeah but you’re not jealous of Jackson, I mean, you’re a better person than I am, jealously is above you or something” you mumble.

Jeongyeon laughs softly, “I’m human just like you.”

“So… you are jealous of Jackson?”

“Nayeon,” Jeongyeon sighs down the phone and there’s a tone of impatience there, like you’re being naïve somehow but she finds it endearing. “He gets to see you everyday, gets to fall asleep next to you every night, gets to talk to you and know you all over again whenever he wants, you’re the first thing he sees in the morning and the last thing he sees at night — honey, of course I’m jealous of Jackson.”

“I… oh…” you breathe and feel your cheeks flush. Your stomachs back to doing the usual Jeongyeon cartwheels it does. “OK, sorry” you say quietly.

Wait. Did she just call you honey?

Before you can ask her she’s already talking, “Look Nayeon, I need to go but I’ll call you later.”

“OK,” you sigh sadly.

“Bye.”

“Bye” you say back and hang up.

You unwillingly drag yourself back to the table and your parents are bickering over something, it’s probably irrelevant. You can’t believe Jeongyeon’s spending time with Sana, why can’t that be you? Oh right, you’re stuck here in this hellhole of a life.

“Fucking Minatozaki Sana” you mutter under your breath and take a sip of water.

“Did you just say Minatozaki Sana?” your mother asks suddenly.

Your head snaps up and you’re surprised. “Yeah, why?”

“Oh, she’s marvelous, your father and I went to see her in a show a few weeks back, I didn’t know you were into that Nayeon” she says like you’ve pleasantly surprised her for the first time in your entire life.

“I’m not,” you say flatly.

“Oh,” she says and you can hear the clear disappointment in her tone, “Yes I suppose you don’t exactly have the class to be into such things after all” she laughs a little as does your father and Jackson.

You stare at them all seething in anger. You know Jackson’s just trying to keep the peace, he laughs at everything your parents say but you can’t fucking deal with this anymore. Not just this stupid dinner or your goddamn parents, everything. Your entire fucking life. You’re sick of it, you’re sick of your job, you’re sick of the guilt, you’re not brave enough to change your life in any way and you feel so inadequate for Jeongyeon anyway. Really, nobody would miss you; if you had the balls, you’d maybe even kill yourself. Nobody would give a damn, Jackson would be destroyed but at least then he wouldn’t be heartbroken at the thought you’ve been seeing someone else. Jihyo would be upset at first but she’d find another friend to moan too, Jeongyeon would be upset but she’d move on, your parents would cry at the funeral then forget all about it the next day. Yep. You’re ultimately expendable.

You climb into bed later on, relieved your parents are gone but you still feel miserable. Jeongyeon hasn’t called like she said she would and you’re not even surprised, you’re not worth it. Sleeps your only friend now.

You open your eyes, your vision blurred and the room is dark and you hear Jackson snoring next to you. You blink up at the ceiling trying to figure out what woke you up. You screw your eyes and look over the bedside table; your phone is lit up. You must’ve received a text message. You climb out of bed because you’re up now and once your sleep is broken that’s it, you’re awake. You sneak out the bedroom, phone in hand and you still feel half asleep.

You go into the living room and sit on the sofa, it’s freezing, it’s not until your vision has sharpened that you see the time on your phone and you realize it’s 2:45am. You groan but your heart stops when you see you’ve got a message from Jeongyeon.

You open it up, realizing she sent it just a few minutes ago and it simply reads:

Call me x

Immediately you think the worst, what if she’s in trouble? What if she’s been in an accident? God. You’re hands are shaking as you press the speed dial button and you clear your throat trying to get rid of the sleep.

“H-hey Nayeonieeeee” she drawls out when she answers your call.

You screw your face up in disgust. Nayeonie? What the hell kind of nickname is that?

“Jeong, are you OK?” you ask her. She sounds drunk, or how you’d imagine she’d be if she were drunk.

“Yup, fabulous” she says simply.

“So why did you want me to phone you?” you ask annoyed but relieved.

“You need to come to ‘Hell in Heaven’.”

“The bar?” you ask confused. “I’m pretty sure it’s shut and you’ve probably had enough to drink.”

You hear her giggle and your stomach flutters right on cue. “No silly, I’m in ‘Hell in Heaven’, I was watching Sana do some late night rehearsing but she’s gone now so you should totally come and get me, she knows the guy in charge and she left me to lock up except I didn’t and instead I found the alcohol.”

You hold a finger to your lips and try not to laugh. You’re kind of worried about her though, if she’s as drunk as she sounds and in the middle of the city at night in am empty bar then you need to go get her.

“I’ll be there soon” you say and hang up before she can say anything back.

You must be crazy, you’re leaving the house at almost 3am to go to a bar, it’s probably the craziest thing you’ve ever done. You don’t know if that’s tragic or not. You brush your hair and teeth as quietly as you can, and you leave Jackson a note on the coffee table saying you couldn’t sleep so you’ve went for a drive, which makes zero fucking sense but you don’t find yourself caring anymore. You slip on leggings, a white tank top and a brown leather jacket, you look about as presentable as you can at 3am in the morning.

You unlock the door as quietly as possible and sneak out and you feel kind of badass, like you’re doing something you shouldn’t. You guess you are.

You almost feel like falling back asleep at the wheel on the drive there.

Once you arrive, you yawn feeling so damn tired again but you power through it. You park around the corner from ‘Hell in Heaven’ and walk to the door, you can’t see inside because curtains are drawn over the windows but it looks pretty dark. You seriously have issues if you actually leave your house at 3am to come meet a woman alone in a bar when you’ve got work in a few hours too. You shake your head and open the door, surprised that it’s actually unlocked.

You walk into the dimly lit bar and it’s void, it’s odd to look at because last time you were here it was packed and busy, even if in a subdued way, but now it’s just empty.

“Hey you” comes a voice from the darkness to your side.

“Jesus fuck!” you shriek and stumble a little.

Your heart is racing.

Jeongyeon comes into view from the side, giggling. “I was waiting for you to come in so I could lock the door” she informs you and goes to the entrance swinging a key around her finger.

You smile a little watching her lock it, she’s got on skinny jeans and a handmade jumper, one of hers, you can tell because it has a sewed on picture of a cartoon rainbow at the front but it’s skewed and uneven; some of the colors thicker than the rest of the rainbow.

Once she locks the door, she turns around slowly and you’re both immersed in silence. She’s smirking at you and from the dim light you can make out her eyes are glowing. You gulp suddenly feeling out of your depth.

She starts giggling again for no reason as she moves past you and heads toward the neon lit bar. She goes behind the counter and starts pouring herself a drink.

“Uh, Jeong? Are you allowed to just take that?” you ask, smirking a little as you walk toward her and face her opposite the bar.

She gulps back whatever she poured into her shot glass in one. “Yup” she pops with her lips and sniggers some more.

You eye her suspiciously, “Jeong, how drunk are you?”

She laughs again and looks vaguely at you in thought, you can almost see the cogs turning in her head. “Uhm… a lot… I think” she mumbles.

Great.

Ugh. You can’t help but feel a warm fuzzy feeling in your heart though; she looks so adorable and lost almost. You need to get her home, take care of her, but first you may as well take advantage of her drunken state by getting her to spill a few things.

“Hey so—”

“You want a mojito? I think I figured out how to make one but… uhm… you want one?” she smiles dopily at you.

You snort looking between her and the counter that you notice is filled with empty shot glasses and puddles of various alcohols. “No, I’m driving” you smile anyway.

“S-s-sucks for you” she says with a hiccup as she clumsily pours another bottle of something into a shot glass, missing the glass entirely at first.

You laugh again; she looks so cute with rosy cheeks, lazily open eyes and her goddamn stupid rainbow jumper.

“You’re adorable” you sigh at her before you can help yourself.

She stops pouring and looks up at you, a small triumphant smile on her face. “That’s not very heterosexual of you Nayeon” she smirks.

You shift on your feet and feel a little uncomfortable. “So… did you drag me all the way out here to get me to come out the closet or something?”

“Ahh” she smiles and puts the bottle down with a clunk, “so you’re in the closet now, are you?”

Damn it.

You roll your eyes and shrug, “I’m in some sort of closet, I mean I must be, I just left my fiancé at 3am in the morning to be here with you instead, in some bar.”

She chews her lip a little and seems to take longer to consider your words, “I’ve been thinking about you since our fun little shopping trip” she smiles and scrunches up her nose, causing delightful little lines to appear just above her brow and beside her eyes.

You give a hollow laugh and smile “Me too, I need to know something though” you say more seriously.

She looks at you dolefully and comes walking around the bar, she pats the barstool and you swallow feeling nervous for some reason and sit down.

“Take off your jacket” she says quietly, looking between your shoulders and further down your body.

You gulp not even bothering to ask why and slowly take off your jacket putting it on the stool next to yours. She comes closer till she’s standing in-between your legs and leaning down over you, you have a hard time looking at her because you know you might just melt if you look up into those eyes, instead you talk to her waist.

“Are… we… a thing?” you ask awkwardly. “I mean, lately I’ve seriously been thinking about leaving Jackson, I even spoke to Irene about it, but what does that mean for us?”

She laughs softly and you look up into enigmatic brown eyes. You’re lost already. She begins tracing her fingers down each of your arms, smoothing over your biceps and leaving your skin feeling tingly and light.

“I mean,” you continue, half-forgetting what you were trying to say, “you turn me on a lot but—”

“Feeling’s mutual” she breathes back and you smell the sweet alcohol from her breath as she leans down closer to you.

You stutter stupidly and try concentrate, “But you said you have casual sex right? I mean is this all we are? What makes me different from Sana?” you ask and you feel like you just swallowed a brick.

She giggles at you like you just said the silliest thing. “Oh Nayeon,” she sighs affectionately, her hand moves to your face and she’s gently tucking your hair back and you swoon a little. “First of all, I’m not a slut,” she snorts.

“That’s not what I meant” you mumble, feeling embarrassed.

“I have two friends, Momo and Sana, who I occasionally have sex with but without the strings attached, I have needs and they fulfill those needs, that’s not to say I don’t want a more serious relationship I just totally don’t see the point in pursuing strangers and having one night stands with strangers if I don’t have feelings for them and it isn’t going to go anywhere. Sex with friends is safe… easy…” she says and gives a delayed shrug.

You nod a little feeling conflicted. “I think I understand but… aren’t we just friends? How do I know this isn’t just another hook up to you? What if I leave Jackson and we’re happy for like a few weeks but then it just fades? What if we’re not meant to do this, what if it’s a mistake?”

Jeongyeon’s lips curl up into a slow smile and she comes even closer and leans her forehead gently onto yours, her hand still tracing and tickling around the back of your ear and through your hair. “Nayeon,” she breathes against your lips, “I told you I was falling in love with you.”

“That’s only cause I said it first” you counter weakly.

“Doesn’t make it any less true,” she admits, batting her lashes timidly. “You want to know how this isn’t just another hook up?” she asks, nudging her nose coyly against yours.

You nod dumbly at her.

Your lungs aren’t working.

She wraps her hands around your neck; her face, chest and hair is all around you and you feel like you’re drowning in her.

“You don’t,” she says simply. “You want to move from one serious relationship to another but I can’t promise that, I can’t promise that it won’t be difficult, or that I’ll always be there or that I’ll even make you happy — all I can promise is that I really want to.”

You pull back from her just an inch and stare. That wasn’t the answer you were expecting and you think it just made you more nervous about everything. You hate that you’re being so damn insecure.

“Surprised?” she asks with a kind smirk. “What, thought I was going to promise you the world? Nayeon,” she sighs and pauses, her eyes dropping to your lips for a brief second, “nobody knows what their future holds and nobody falls in love without being a little brave.”

You give a nervous laugh and bring your hands up to cup her cheeks. You feel your heart hammer in your throat and you bring her face slowly to your own. You capture her soft bottom lip in-between yours and you whimper a little. She tastes like sweet alcohol with a citrus lime aftertaste. She only responds a little, moving her lips softly and slowly against your own and you feel your whole world still in that moment. It’s the gentlest kiss you’ve ever had.

She pulls away and opens her eyes slowly with a breathless look on her face. “What was that for?”

“I want to know everything about you,” you breathe honestly, your lips tingling.

She sucks in her own lips looking coy. “No” she says shaking her head. “That’s for when we start dating.”

“D-d-dating?” you stutter.

“Yeah, dating,” she shrugs simply, “or did you think we’d be meeting in secret like this for the rest of our lives?”

You try your goddamn hardest to ignore the fact she just implied you’d be together for the rest of your lives. You stare at her not knowing what to say.

“Which,” she continues, seeing the look on your face, “I know is a scary thought for you right now, but it’s in the future, try not to dwell on it, just take baby steps.”

“Baby steps,” you mumble nodding, “OK, I guess it’s just I met Jackson in high school so I’ve never really dated before… like ever” you admit penitently.

Jeongyeon juts out her jaw and gives you a bloated smile, “that’s cute” she snorts.

“It’s pathetic actually” you say matter-of-factly. “But anyway, why did you bring me here at this ungodly hour?”

She stands up a little straighter, her face moving away from you and bounces on her feet like an excited kid. It’s so fucking tragic how you find everything about her charming as hell. “Well, 3 reasons actually” she says with a coy smile. “First of all, I’m kinda tipsy so I need a ride home.”

“No kidding” you say dryly.

“Uhm secondly of all…” she trails off and comes back down closer to you, the tip of her nose grazing your cheek, “I wanted to tell you that since Saturday I haven’t stopped thinking about when I had your soaking pussy in the palm of my hand” she whispers against your face and gives an mischievous giggle that causes goosebumps to travel down your side.

Your pounding heart just dropped to between your damn legs. You open your mouth to say something except it’s not really words that come out, just a strangled sound from the back of your throat.

“Annnnnd,” Jeongyeon drawls out and stands back up right with a smirk, “lastly of all I wanted you to do something for me.”

“Anything” you choke out. You roll your eyes at yourself but she just winks at you and your stomach is back to doing somersaults.

She clasps your hand in hers, intertwining your fingers and suddenly your hand feels tingly and clammy as hell, your entire arm falls limp at her touch. She’s holding your hand. Yoo Jeongyeon is holding your hand. For a split second you feel like you’re actually with her and you feel irrationally emotional about it. You gulp and squeeze her hand harder but she doesn’t seem to notice.

“C’mere” she says to you quietly and she’s guiding you through the tables and toward the small stage at the front. Honestly, she could be leading you to your death, to a giant pit of flames and ask you to jump in and you’d probably do it, because she’s holding your fucking hand.

She guides you up onto the stage and she pats the sole barstool that’s in the centre, in front of a microphone.

Oh no. You begin to feel panicky.

“Jeong… I can’t…” you say shakily.

“It’s just me here Nayeon” she says gently and she puts her hands on your shoulders and sits you down on the seat. “I was watching Sana sing earlier and I thought it would be lovely to hear you sing so…”

You shake your head frantically. “Jeong, I have no idea why but I can’t sing in front of people, I just… I get so nervous and… I can’t do it OK?”

“You want to sing as a profession, right?” she asks and begins massaging her thumb into your shoulder blade lovingly.

“Yeah but—”

“Well, it’s baby steps just like everything else. I’m gonna go over to the bar, get more drunk and whenever you feel like you want to sing just do so, any song, the mic isn’t even on actually so I probably won’t hear you” she says and she struts off back toward the bar.

You briefly wonder why Jeongyeon seems to want to get drunk tonight.

You’ve never sang for anyone, you think Jackson’s heard you in the shower on a rare occasion but that’s about it, you’d never let him hear on purpose. Your whole body just tenses up at the thought of lots of faces looking at you as you sing. You sit on the stool for a while in thought and you feel oddly calm as you look around at the empty chairs. You open your mouth to sing something but you can’t think of anything so you close it again. You’re alone with Jeongyeon, if you want anyone to hear you sing for the first time, it’s her.

You don’t know how much time has passed but Jeongyeon’s stumbling toward the stage bottle in hand.

“It’s been like a half hour N-Nayeon” she slurs and plops down onto a stool in the front row.

“Jeez Jeong, how much more did you drink?” you stare at her.

She gives a stifled laugh as she sways on her seat a little. “Uhm… I had a few bottles of something, I didn’t like it very much.”

Great. She’s even drunker than before.

“Sing for me!” She beams enthusiastically “Woo! Im Nayeon!” she cheers and claps for you even though you haven’t done anything.

Ugh. You laugh a little and shake your head, “Dork” you call her with a grin.

“C’mon sing” she whines and thuds her feet impatiently against the metal frame of the chair legs.

“I… I can’t” you say pathetically. “Maybe some other day but I just can’t, I have stage fright or something.”

Jeongyeon tilts her head to the side “But It’s only me here.”

“Yeah, I know, and I want to sing it’s just when I go to… nothing happens” you mumble feeling stupid.

“Mhmm” Jeongyeon hums and blinks slowly at you.

“What?” you ask inquiringly.

“I guess I’m not entirely surprised, good singers sing form the soul, sing with feelings and stuff, you’ve been miserable and lying to yourself for so long I think you’ve forgotten what it feels like to just… feel…”

You roll your eyes annoyed, “Don’t play that psychoanalysis bullshit with me miss, know it all.”

Jeongyeon just giggles and hops back up onto the stage. “Cheer up grumpy, I know what’ll make you feel better,” she says quietly as she begins to look coy almost, like she has a plan.

You really just want to get her home. “What?” you ask anyway.

“A lap dance” she smirks.

“A lap dance?” you repeat frowning. “Y-you want… to give… me a lap dance?” you say slowly and your internal organs are back to doing the conga.

“Why not gorgeous?” she shrugs a shoulder at you and turns on her heel heading toward the sound system at the side of the stage.

“Jeongyeon don’t” you laugh and shake your head.

She can’t be serious, right?

Apparently, she is because she takes her jumper off and yet again there is no bra, you stare once again at her back and you’re not even remotely surprised. A low R’n’B beat begins to play.

Holy shit, she’s actually serious.

She does a surprisingly graceful spin then saunters toward you, an impish look in her eye, you’re in awe at how awesome her body is, the stage light is dim but you can still make out the contours of her abs and the definition in her arms, you’re practically drooling. She chews her bottom lip, rustles the back of her hair and looks at you with such want as she moves to the music, each muscle in her body popping to the beat perfectly.

“You’re so beautiful,” you say shakily, “inside and out.”

She reaches the stool as her hips sway to the music and from the level you’re sitting at her breasts are practically dancing in your face. Your cheeks burn red; you don’t know where to look. She doesn’t say anything but she places both hands on your knees gently and spreads your legs apart. You still feel embarrassed and hot so your clammy hands don’t know what to do; you find that they’ve just gripped the edges of the barstool you’re sitting on and tightly as possible.

Jeongyeon makes a little humming sound, you’re not sure if it’s a breath or a moan but she sways her hips and gyrates them into you, between your legs and you can’t think or breathe. You begin to feel how pounding and slick you are. Jeongyeon’s eyes are almost shut as she whips her hair and dances to the music, she looks entirely lost in it and you’ve never saw anything as sexy before in your entire life. The blonde dips down low to the floor, her ass almost hitting the ground and then she slowly sways back up, her body snaking from side to side in time to the music and her hands slowly dragging themselves up your legs.

You decide you don’t care if this is the shortest lap dance in the history of lap dances because you’re pathetic and you can’t take it anymore so you grab her hips with both hands and pull the heat of her body flush into yours. You do the first thing that comes naturally and place a soft kiss on the soft valley between her breasts, you pull back nervously and look up at her for approval. She’s stopped dancing and is now panting a little and looking curiously between your eyes and lips. You take her silence as approval, lick your lips and lean back in your lips lingering there for longer.

“Mhmm” you hum contently against her creamy skin, you can feel the little vibrations of her heartbeat thrum against your lips and you begin to place more and more little butterfly kisses on her chest. You smile a little when she grips the back of your neck with one hand and your shoulder with the other like she’s steadying herself.

You know what you want to do, so before you change your goddamn mind you quickly open your mouth and close it over the sensitive flesh of her nipple.

“Yesssss” you hear her hiss and grip you harder in response. You begin to realize your sex is pounding fast and you can’t feel your damn legs. You suck tentatively on the warm flesh and feel her nipple grow hard in your mouth. You moan a little as you drag your tongue under it and flick it upward and she grabs the fine hairs on the base of your neck so hard it hurts. It’s extremely satisfying nevertheless so you ignore the pain and release her nipple with a wet pop. You quickly ghost your lips over to her other nipple and decide to tongue it instead, tracing the wet tip of your tongue slowly in circles around her nipple.

“Oh Nayeon,” she breathes desperately and she’s back to panting. You must be doing something right.

You feel wetness pool between your legs at how your name escapes her lips. You slowly move your eyes upward and feel yourself whimper and crumble under dark hooded brown eyes staring back down at you, her light brown brow furrowed in concentration and her mouth open. You swallow thickly and go back to concentrating on her breast.

You taste her in your mouth as you suck on her other nipple, feeling eager you take as much of her skin as you can into your mouth and suck harder and nip her gently, your tongue slowly massaging around and under her hardened nub. Her breathing is getting more and more erratic and you think you’re driving her more and more crazy. Her hand moves from your shoulder and rubs up and down your back encouragingly. Fuck. You can’t even handle her touching you. You eventually let go with another wet smack and you’re panting so much because you were sucking so hard you forgot to breathe.

She leans down and breathes against your lips heavily “Take me home.”

“OK” you say back just as breathlessly.

Fuck.

You watch nervously for a few minutes as she puts her jumper back on, packs the bottles away behind the bar and switches off the sound system and the lights. Your stomach is spinning like a damn yo-yo as you watch her, you have no idea what’s going to happen, you think you know what she wants to happen but you’re not so sure yourself. You feel like you’ll die if you don’t touch her soon, yet on the other hand she’s drunk as hell and this is totally not how you imagined your first time with her. You’ve never even did this with another woman before, you’re not stupid you know what women do, it’s just in your head you try imagine yourself as one of the women and you just look weird and awkward. You really want to impress her, what if it’s horrible, what if you can’t make her orgasm? What if it’s a giant awkward mess? What if she laughs at you? It totally doesn’t help that she’s hot as hell and is a fucking sex therapist; she’s probably amazing in bed. In fact, you know she probably is. You’re conflicted though, maybe her being drunk is a good thing? Then if you’re awful there’s a chance she won’t remember anyway.

You both step out into the cold early morning air and it’s only now you realize how drunk Jeongyeon is because she can’t even find the hole where the keys supposed to go in. You take it off her and lock the doors to ‘Hell in Heaven’ for her. You don’t say anything because your mind is racing and you have no idea what you want to say or if you should say anything at all.

“My car’s just around the corner” you say and your voice is all nervous and squeaky.

She wraps her arm around your waist and stumbles into you on the street. You look around nervously hoping nobody will see you, it’s dark but you don’t want people getting the wrong idea. Or the right idea you guess. You walk her to your car and her movements are slow but she leans her head down on your shoulder and sighs happily.

“You make me so happy Nayeon, like every time I think of you, I feel like my stomach has millions of tiny little unicorns riding around inside of it and their jabbing the lining of my stomach with the little horns on their head” she slurs.

You purse your lips trying not to laugh. “Uh… thanks Jeong, that’s sweet but weird.”

She just hiccups in response.

You help her into the passenger side of your car and go around to the driver’s seat, shutting the door behind you and leaving the cold outside. Your stomach’s still spinning and you think you’re going to throw up. You can’t have sex with her when she’s this drunk, right? Then again, it’s not like she doesn’t want to, she clearly wants to.

Wow, not only are you a stalker you think you’ve become a rapist too.

You drive in an intense silence and the throb between your legs has slowed but not gone away, and your stomach has never felt this nervous before. You’re pretty sure your sweating buckets. You can’t do this, she’s drunk.

Just on cue Jeongyeon starts giggling as her head is leaned clumsily against the window, you think she’s laughing for no reason.

“What are you laughing at?” you smile anyway because she’s so damn cute.

“You” she says.

“Oh?”

“Yeah I mean…” she trails off and laughs a little more loudly. “You just left your house in the middle of the night to suck my tits in the middle of an empty bar” she says and she begins to go into a fit of laughter.

You feel yourself blush but also the nerves disperse from your stomach and are replaced with a rumble of your own laughter building up.

“God,” you snort and shake your head more at yourself than anything, “when you put it like that, I sound pathetic.”

Jeongyeon just snorts back.

“You’re so drunk Jeong” you laugh dopily at her as you come to a red light. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

You grin and hold up two like a peace sign.

“Dunno,” she slurs and she shifts over in her seat. You feel your face drop when her hand comes over and glides up the inside of your thigh and her hot breath husks in your ear “put them inside me and I’ll tell you.”

“F-fuck” you stutter out and stare at the traffic light, willing it to turn green.

It’s then you realize you can’t do it. You can’t take advantage of her when she’s drunk but also you want your first time with her to mean a lot more than just about satisfying your raging hormones.

It takes you about 10 minutes till you’re back at her apartment block.

“You’re a good friend Nayeon” Jeongyeon sighs fondly as you watch her try to unlock the door to her apartment but to no avail, once again.

“Here,” you say impatiently and grab the keys off her as she sways on the spot a little. You unlock the door and grab her arm gently guiding her inside, trying your best to ignore how good she feels and how much your stomach is jumping.

You lock the door behind you and turn around to find Jeongyeon’s already disappeared from your sight.

“Jeong?” you call out worried and walk through to the living room. She may have sobered up a little but you feel like there’s a primal instinct deep inside of you to just protect her.

You hear giggling and you can’t help but burst out laughing when you see Jeongyeon laid on the floor and Lucy clamoring all over her, trying to lick her face.

“I wasn’t gone for long silly dog” she sighs and swats Lucy away. The golden retriever comes prodding up to you and moves through your legs, rubbing her body into you with affection.

“Oh hey, she’s between your legs, now it’s my turn, right?” Jeongyeon mutters as she stands up and she stumbles a little.

You just smile at her. She’s so fucking adorable. “Uhm… not tonight Jeongyeon.”

“Lucy go to bed” Jeongyeon says and points toward the kitchen, except she’s pointing mostly toward the wall. Lucy whines and cowers away toward the kitchen, her tail between her legs. Jeongyeon comes sauntering toward you with a smirk on her face.

“You know drunk Jeongyeon always gets what she wants,” she says slowly as she wraps her arms around your waist and pulls you into her.

You take a second to catch your breath and you just find yourself lost in her flushed face and her tired, but still sparkling eyes.

“Yeah well, our first time means too much to sober Nayeon just to throw away on a quick drunken hook up,” you say firmly.

“Slap my ass” she says suddenly with a smirk.

“I-I-I… what? No” you scoff and laugh a little feeling the heat rise to your face.

“I don’t see what the big deal is Nayeon, I’m only asking you to slap my ass” she says like it’s a normal everyday request.

“Jeong, you’re drunk.”

“That has nothing to do with my ass or the possibility of you slapping it” she shrugs. “Wait” she suddenly says like she’s had a delayed reaction. Her arms fall from your waist and she steps back looking at you curiously. “You’ve thought about our first time?”

“I uh… yeah” you admit sheepishly and you now feel embarrassed.

Her lips curl up into an amused smirk. “Oh? And what’s it like?”

“Well,” you say slowly and begin fidgeting with your hands, you try not to look her in the eye. “Earlier when you were talking about dating, I figured that was perfect you know? Like, I could take you out for a meal then we could come back and have sex for the first time.”

Jeongyeon starts to giggle, but even it’s drunken and slurred.

“What’s so funny?” you cross your arms.

“You’re scheduling our sex life? Besides that’s the lamest thing I ever heard” she giggles some more and falls back onto the sofa, warm but tired eyes looking up at you.

“I… no it’s not” you mumble and feel your face grow red. You’re kind of pissed because you thought that was the most perfect idea, isn’t that what’s supposed to happen in movies and stuff?

“Uhm… no you’re right I’m sorry” she smiles and blinks lazily. “But that just isn’t at all how I thought our first time would be.”

“Oh, is that so? What do you think it would be like?”

“Uhm,” Jeongyeon says slowly and makes a popping sound with her lips. She looks back up at you with an innocent, almost shy expression “I don’t think I want to tell you that just yet.”

“What the hell? What’s that supposed to mean? Tell me” you frown at her again.

Her eyes shift into slyness when she traces a hand down to her front, props her feet up on the coffee table and begins to slowly unzip her fly. “Take off my jeans” she orders you.

You gulp and stand your ground defiantly, “I… we’re not having sex.”

“Didn’t say we were” she smirks back up at you. “But we need to go to bed don’t we, and I’m not wearing my clothes to bed so take off my jeans.”

“We?” you gulp again and the air in here suddenly doesn’t seem so plentiful. “I told you Jeong, I need to go back to Jackson.”

“And I told you to take off my jeans” she giggles back and unbuttons the top button on her pants. “You’re staying here with me tonight.”

“You can’t just tell me what to do.”

She licks her lips considering you for a moment. “Can’t I?” she retorts quietly and raises her eyebrow.

You feel a smile tug your lips but you try your hardest not to let it show. “Fine, I’ll get you ready for bed but then I’ll be on my way.”

“You’ll get me ready for bed then you’ll join me,” she corrects you.

You roll your eyes at her but kneel down to the floor and pat her leg. “You’re so drunk that you can’t take your own clothes off?” you ask her skeptically.

“I am” she smirks at you in amusement.

You roll your eyes again but feel your cheeks burn; you don’t even care if she’s exaggerating or lying. You clear your throat awkwardly. “OK, just stand up then” you sigh in resignation.

Her brown eyes look darker as she slowly stands up and she looks down at you kneeling in front of her like a damn subservient dog. You kind of feel sorry for Lucy now.

Suddenly her hand is stroking through your hair, sending a tingly sensation through your scalp. Your head lulls back and you’re already looking up at her breathlessly.

“You’d do anything for me, wouldn’t you Nayeon?” she asks and the question seems more loaded than it is. Her eyes are serious but there’s a playful smirk on her face.

“Almost” you admit quietly, your heart pounding in your chest and between your legs. You’re scared at how accurate your answer is.

You distract yourself by hooking your fingers at the side of her jeans and tugging them down to reveal long legs. “Step out” you say, ignoring the fingers tracing through your hair and instead just staring down at her feet. She steps out of her jeans and you stand up folding them for her.

Doing your best to ignore the fact she’s standing there in nothing but a cute sweater and panties you grab her arm and lead her through to the bedroom. You guide her inside and put the jeans over the chair at the side, you turn around to find she’s already collapsed on her back on the bed.

Her face scrunches up as she gives a cute yawn, “You know I am kinda tired but I’m also really horny so you should probably just fuck me.”

Your stomach spins and you find yourself grinning at her. “Oh well now you’ve convinced me” you say sarcastically as you walk to the edge of the bed and look down at a half-passed out Jeongyeon.

She groans impatiently and looks up at you. “OK no sex, but can you still stay and hug me?” she pouts.

Ugh. She’s so damn cute, you have a hard time imagining a future with her if only because you can’t see yourself ever saying no to her.

You look between the door and the gorgeous woman lied draped over her bed, half naked for you and you hesitate.

“No actually you’re right” Jeongyeon says quietly. You look back down at her and she looks a little more pensive and sober. “You wanted to know if this was just another hook up? Well the answer to that is simple, it’s not a hook up because we’re not hooking up.”

You frown down at her confused, “Sooo,” you say slowly, trying to process her words. “I’m not just another hook up to you because we haven’t hooked up?”

She shifts up to the top of the bed and lies back down, her head hitting the pillow. She smiles and nods contently at you. You think that actually oddly makes sense. “You’re right, you should go home to Jackson, you don’t want him to be suspicious.”

You stare at her not knowing how to thank her for understanding.

Your mouth goes dry a little when you see her eyelids fall heavier as she looks up at you, her hand slowly ghosting over her own thigh and you gulp when her fingers trace the edge of her panties.

Is she…?

“You should leave now though,” she breathes and smirks a little up at you.

“W-w-why’s that?” you stutter, staring at her hand that’s beginning to circle very slowly over her underwear.

“Because I really want to get off thinking about you and I can’t do that if you’re here,” she giggles deliciously.

You feel like your stomach has dropped to your damn knees and you find yourself smiling nervously down at her. “Damn it Jeong” you say shakily and force yourself to turn around and head out the door.

“Bye Nayeon” Jeongyeon calls seductively out to you once you’re in the living room. You stop and for a second you consider turning back but you know it isn’t the right time so instead you groan and leave her apartment. You have no idea what you’re going to say to Jackson when you get back or how you’re even going to survive work today without any sleep but you think it was totally worth the risk. A night spent talking with Jeongyeon, albeit a drunken Jeongyeon, was more than worth it.

When you drive back, you’re thinking in your mind that you just want to do it right now. Rip the Band-Aid off. You won’t have to explain to Jackson where you’ve been if you tell him what’s been going on. Yeah, you’re going to do it now, you can’t stand being apart from Jeongyeon again, even for a week, which is pathetic but it’s true. God. You’re going to change your whole life with a few words, what are you even going to say? Maybe you can just tell Jackson that you’ve been seeing someone else and that’s it, he doesn’t need to know who, right? Then you could pack your stuff and go round to Jihyo’s, going to Jeongyeon’s place is much more tempting but just because you want to be with her doesn’t mean you want to burden her too. Fuck. Are you really going to do this? You must be fucking crazy.

When you arrive back home, you open the door to your flat as quietly as possible and you cringe a little when you shut the door behind you and your keys make a loud jingling sound as you put them down on the table. You tiptoe carefully into the living room but you gasp and stumble a little when Jackson’s standing by the window, arms crossed looking at you.

“Where have you been?” he asks accusatorily.

“Uh…” you hesitate. Fuck. You’re going to throw up. “I couldn’t sleep so I went for a drive…”

Jackson screws his face up in confusion and comes walking closer to you. “You’ve not been sleeping for a while Nayeon, but you’ve never went out for a drive and—” he stops mid sentence when he’s standing right in front of you.

You gulp and feel guilt course throughout your body.

“You smell like alcohol” he states sounding more hurt. “Have you been drinking and driving? God Nayeon, do you know how worried I’ve been?”

“I left you a note” you mutter and turn away from him, “look there is something I need to tell you,” you say unsteadily and turn back to face him when you’re further away. Your heart’s beating erratically but not the way Jeongyeon makes it beat, it’s a horrible feeling now, it’s all out of rhythm and you feel it sitting uncomfortably in your chest.

You begin to breathe through your mouth because the air in here seems suddenly closer.

“What is it?” he asks intolerantly, like he’s been awake for a while and doesn’t have time for your lame excuses.

“I…” you sigh and you blink several times because everything is going blurry. You put a hand over your chest just to make sure your heart is still working because you can’t feel anything, you can’t feel yourself breathing in air. For the second time tonight you’re panicking but this feels much, much worse.

“Are you OK Nayeon?” Jackson asks, his tone slightly more worried than angry. “You look kinda pale.”

“We can’t get married,” you blurt out like it’s word vomit and you just stare at the floor that’s beginning to spin. It’s so warm and you can’t breathe, you feel like you’re suffocating. You’re also shaking. You want to ask Jackson to open a window, you want to look at his face for his reaction but you can’t. Your breathing has become heavy and your chest is heaving.

“Can’t breathe… can you…” you try to ask him for help and everything is happening in slow motion.

You feel your eyes flicker back and your legs collapse. You think you register a pain in the side of your head as you hit the floor but it seems distant somehow. A darkness has already consumed you and your thoughts fade into nothingness.

You’re gone.


	14. Caught

Darkness. That’s all you can see but you can see shades of brown and red too. You wonder what’s happening. There are voices talking around you but they sound distant and muffled. You try twitching a muscle in your face but you feel too tired to even do that, you’re actually really comfortable even though you don’t know what’s happening. Maybe you should just go back to sleep.

The voices are getting louder and clearer though. You kind of wish they’d be quiet. One’s a man and one’s a woman. They sound familiar.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, has she said anything to you? She seemed delirious or something to me” says a deep voice.

You feel your brow crease in confusion, is that Jackson?

“You know I can’t talk about that Jackson” comes a soft voice.

Jeongyeon?

Why is Jeongyeon here? Why are you here? Where are you?

“Please Jeongyeon,” comes Jackson’s voice and he sounds like he’s pleading. “She comes home drunk, says we shouldn’t get married then panics and faints—”

“She wasn’t drunk” Jeongyeon interjects.

“What?” Jackson asks confused. “How would you know that?”

Oh shit. Everything suddenly comes flooding back to you and your senses begin reawakening. You precipitously remember being at the bar with Jeongyeon, her being drunk, taking her home, being determined to tell Jackson about everything once you got home. Things didn’t quite work out that way. You remember the horrible sensation of panic before you blacked out; it was like you were drowning. You never want to feel that way again.

“Grrmph” Jackson makes a grumbled noise like he’s annoyed, “Sorry, my work keeps calling me, I think I may need to still go in today, they won’t care if Nayeon’s in hospital, as long as it ain’t life or death they’ll want me there. Excuse me, I need to call them” says Jackson sounding annoyed and you hear movement and the drawing of curtains and the sound of his footsteps disappear after a few seconds.

You inhale a little and it smells like a hospital. God. You can’t deal with any of this; you should just pretend you’re sleeping till you actually fall back asleep.

“I know you’re awake” comes Jeongyeon’s voice knowingly.

You stomach jolts back into action.

She’s actually here.

You slowly open your eyes, the brightness of the lights above you beaming down and glaring into your vision. You blink a few times and take in your surrounding, your lying on a hospital bed, there’s a brown curtain pulled around the bed so the rest of the room is out of sight. You can hear other people, visitors perhaps, talking and other people walking but you’re alone with Jeongyeon behind the privacy of the curtain.

You blink again and your vision becomes less blurry. You roll your head to the side and Jeongyeon is there wearing a small empathetic smile on her face. She’s donning light blue jeans and a white shirt, her wavy hair falling gracefully down around her shoulders and her eyes are sparkling even if creased with the slight signs of tiredness and you lose your breath a little, she looks kind of angelic.

“Hi” you say feebly.

“Hi there” she smiles back looking reassured.

“How did you know?” you ask and feel a tired smile twitch the edge of your lips.

“I’ve been watching you sleep for hours and your breathing changed about 3 minutes ago,” she says with a smile.

“Wait… hours?” you frown and sit up confused. “How long… I mean… what time is it?” you ask feeling groggy.

“Almost noon” Jeongyeon says to you with a yawn.

“Oh” you breathe and slump your shoulders. “I don’t know what happened,” you mumble feeling ashamed, “I just collapsed.”

“You had a panic attack,” Jeongyeon says tonelessly. “I think you were trying to tell Jackson about us and… well…” she trails off and looks at you awkwardly.

“Oh” you say again and the memory is coming back to you. “I said we couldn’t get married and… wait noon? I’m supposed to be at work,” you say looking around for something although you’re not quite sure what.

“Nayeon, relax” Jeongyeon says gently and places a warm palm on your forearm.

You blink down at her hand over your skin and you exhale feeling calmer with her touch. You stutter a little because her thumb is stroking over your arm and you’ve forgotten what you were going to say.

“The doctor came around and told me and Jackson that he suspected you had a panic attack, said you were fine although your sugar levels are low and your blood pressure is high. You also took a little bump to the head but no major damage has been done, but just to be safe they want you to stay till tomorrow.”

Jeongyeon’s hand suddenly snaps away from your arm when the curtains draw and Jackson comes walking back in.

“Nayeon?” he breathes his eyes wide with relief and shock. “You’re awake, how are you? Are you OK? Talk to me” he says, pulling a chair up to the opposite side of the bed from where Jeongyeon’s sitting.

“I’m fine Jackson,” you say weakly, giving him the best smile you can muster.

“Argh, I can’t believe this but I’ve got to go into work babe” he says and pouts at you. “But screw it, I don’t care if I get fired I’m staying” he says determined, running a hand through his brown hair so it stays back. He looks just as tired as Jeongyeon.

“Jackson” you say to him seriously, “you’re not losing your job just because I fainted, OK? Go. It’s fine.”

He looks guilty and worried and his dopey face turns to Jeongyeon as if he wants her input, you’re not looking at her so you don’t know what her response is.

“OK” he grumbles, “but I’ll come back to visit you straight after work, the doc said you’ll be staying overnight. We need to talk,” he says with a pointed look. “You just concentrate on getting better, OK?” he says and pats the back of your hand as he stands up and leans down planting a gentle kiss on your forehead.

Your eyes automatically flicker to the side to Jeongyeon but she’s already looking down at the floor like she can’t look, that or there’s suddenly something really interesting on the floor.

Jackson kisses you on the cheek and gives you a ’I’m sorry’ look before turning to Jeongyeon. “Do me a favor, stay with her?” he asks with a piteous smile.

“Uh… yeah… sure” she says back awkwardly.

Fuck you can’t take this anymore.

You wave at Jackson and he waves back sadly before departing back through the curtains and you’re left looking at Jeongyeon. Her eyes filled with guilt and sadness and other things you can’t decipher are just staring back at you like she doesn’t know what to say. Which scares you because she always knows what to say.

You’re beginning to feel sick. Kind of like the way you were last night. You sit forward and clutch your stomach.

“I can’t do this,” you say in a panicky haze.

Oh god it’s happening again.

“I can’t take this anymore, I need to tell him… I… I need to leave this place, I can’t stay here. Take me away from here” you exclaim at Jeongyeon like a desperate demand.

Suddenly her hand is in yours, she intertwines your fingers in hers and gives your palm a gentle clasp. “Hey,” she says softly and her voice seems to float serenely to your ears and your stomach almost instantly stops spinning and you just look into her usual calm, deep brown eyes. “Don’t worry about anything, don’t think about anything OK? If you don’t want to be here that’s fine, I’ll make sure they let you out as soon as possible and, in the meantime, I’ll be right here, OK? Everything will be fine, you don’t have to do or say anything you don’t want to as long as I’m here.”

You gulp and just nod at her, the waves on the sea of panic in your stomach subsiding a little. You grip her hand really hard, it probably hurts but you can’t help it. You’re so glad she’s here.

You both sit in silence for a while as she just traces her thumb over the back of your hand. You stare down at it feeling slightly tired again, she’s calming you down and you don’t even think she realizes she’s doing it.

You panic a little when the curtains open again and you instantly let go of Jeongyeon’s hand as a nurse walks in and checks the board at the bottom of your bed.

“The patient, Miss Im, will be signing herself out of here soon, out of her own free will, just thought you should know” Jeongyeon says to the nurse directly.

The nurse frowns at Jeongyeon. “The doctor in charge of this ward specifically asked she stay in over night, to be on the safe side.”

“That’s no longer an option, Miss Im has mental health problems and staying in here is aggregating them and causing her distress.”

The nurse seems to ignore Jeongyeon and looks at you instead, rolling her eyes a little. “Look lady, I’m just doing my job, if you disagree you should take it up with the ward doctor but he’s very busy at the moment.”

Jeongyeon interjects again. “If the patient wishes to leave then it’s perfectly within her rights to sign herself out. The patient doesn’t need a psyche evaluation, didn’t try to take her own life and poses no threat to herself or others. She had a bad panic attack to which she now needs to recover, she is already receiving counseling and is currently on medication, there is no need for her to stay overnight for any reason — physically, mentally or otherwise.”

You and the nurse both stare at Jeongyeon.

You’re kind of impressed.

“And who are you?” the nurse asks frowning.

“Sorry,” Jeongyeon smiles politely and bends down and begins rummaging around in her bag. She pulls out a card and hands it to the nurse. “Here’s my details and my LPC, you can check my credentials and staff number online, I’m a licensed counselor, I work for the most part independently. Miss Im is my patient and I see no professional reasoning for her to stay when she specifically doesn’t want to, you’re just causing my patient more stress and if need be, we’ll sue.”

The nurse just looks between you and Jeongyeon pale-faced. She looks down at the card and waves it like she’s going to check the validity of it. “Fine” she sighs in resignation though, like she already knows Jeongyeon is legit “You can sign yourself out whenever you’re ready miss Im” the nurse says to you, “I’ll explain to the ward doctor later.”

The nurse departs behind the curtains and leaves you and Jeongyeon alone again.

You stare open-mouthed at her.

“OK, that was awesome” you find yourself smiling.

“I know” she smiles and shrugs her shoulder modestly.

You both laugh a little but soon you just go back to staring at each other silently. It’s a nice quiet. Jeongyeon just being here is reassuring you.

“You know it’s Friday” Jeongyeon says quietly to you as if this day is somehow significant.

You quirk an eyebrow at her, “And?”

“It’s the last day of my vacation, I go back to work on Monday.”

“Does this mean you’ll counsel me again?” you ask, barely able to contain the relief from your voice.

“I don’t know,” Jeongyeon sighs, “do you want me to?”

“Of course!” you say and smile at her. “You were right, talking to Irene about… well you… it was a good idea but I miss you.”

You take a sharp inhale because you just realized what you said.

“Nayeon, that’s sweet” Jeongyeon says, coyly looking down and fiddling with the edge of the bed covers. “But that can’t be the reason I counsel you again.”

“No, I know” you say quickly, “I miss you both as a person but also as my counselor, trust me” you say firmly.

Jeongyeon’s lips twitch into a smile and her eyes gaze at you for a second. “We’ll see” she sighs. “Let’s not think about it just now though, I’ll leave you alone to get dressed. I’ll take you home.”

You take half an hour to get dressed into the same clothes you were wearing last night and you don’t even want to look in a mirror right now, you probably look like a mess. Jeongyeon walks you to the reception area and helps you sign a few forms, you honestly don’t know what you’d do if she weren’t here.

“I had to borrow my neighbor’s car,” she tells you as you both leave the hospital, the fresh air hitting your face giving you a strange sense of relief. “I said it was an emergency.”

“Sorry” you cower a little. “It wasn’t really an emergency.”

“You were in hospital, you blacked out, that’s pretty serious to me” she says with a shrug as you reach a brown car you recognize as the one Jeongyeon was fixing that day outside her garage.

You both get in the car and you buckle up. You just stare blankly at the dashboard feeling in some sort of trance, what are you supposed to do now?

“I will tell him you know” you say quietly and look over to Jeongyeon who just licks her lips and nods her head in response. “I’ll do it as soon as he comes home from work, I can’t take feeling like this anymore” you say and you feel like crying.

You don’t want to cry though; you hate crying, especially in front of her.

“OK” Jeongyeon says simply, starting the engine and reversing out of the parking bay. “You should probably go home and get sleep though.”

“I don’t want to go home” you say sharply, “Not yet anyway, just… just take me somewhere, anywhere” you mumble feeling completely out of it.

You don’t feel like talking, you don’t feel like going home or staying where you are, you don’t feel like eating or sleeping, you just don’t feel like anything.

“I have an idea,” Jeongyeon says and you look to her to find she has a small comforting smile on her face even though her eyes are on the road ahead of her.

And then your heart beats and you feel it in your throat and you feel like crying again and curling up to her. Just when you don’t feel anything, she makes you feel something.

She reminds you you’re still alive.

Jeongyeon’s been driving for a half hour and the tall buildings and roads now look familiar. This is pretty much the way to your work, and Jeongyeon’s work.

“You’re taking me back to work?” you ask and laugh a little.

“No silly, I’m taking you for a nice walk in the park” she sighs happily.

You scoff and cross your arms. “I don’t want to go to the park,” you mumble.

“It’ll make you feel better, trust me,” she says.

You’re mad because of course you trust her but a walk in the fucking park isn’t going to change anything, it isn’t going to change your situation, but ultimately you have nothing better to do so you bite your tongue.

Jeongyeon stops off outside a few shops and unfastens her seatbelt.

“This isn’t the park, where are you going?” you ask.

“To get you something, I’ll be right back” she says with a wink and is already slamming the door shut.

You grumble and ignore the little flip your stomach does when she winked at you. Maybe you can cry while she’s gone but then you’re afraid you won’t be able to stop so you dig your nails into the palm of your hand and you force yourself to just watch people who are walking by on the sidewalk.

A few minutes later she returns with a loaf of bread in one hand and an ice cream cone in the other hand.

You blink at her.

“Here,” she smiles and hands you the cone, “It’s chocolate chip mint flavor, mint is good for calming the stomach.”

You take it off her and just stare between the green ice cream in your hand and her tentative brown eyes that are looking at you like you’re about to explode. She almost looks afraid. You don’t want her to be afraid of you. Ever.

“Thanks” you mumble and force a smile.

“You’re welcome” she smiles looking a little relieved and she’s already driving ahead toward the park.

Once you get there, she parks at the sidewalk just outside and Jeongyeon’s already ran to the passenger side to open the door for you.

You roll your eyes humorously at her “I can open a door by myself” you say and give your ice cream a few more licks.

This is actually really good ice cream.

Jeongyeon comes walking up to you, the bag of bread in one hand and she interlinks her other arm around yours and walks you into the park.

Your legs suddenly feel like jelly because you can’t stop staring at her profile. She’s so pretty. She just hooked her arm around yours and is now walking alongside you like it’s the most natural thing in the world to her. Maybe it is?

You both walk around the gravel pathway for about 5 minutes in complete silence. Again, it’s a nice comfortable silence and you begin to feel something like happiness or relief simmer inside you. The sun is out but there’s a chilly wind and it’s calming you, Jeongyeon is calming you. You feel a release wash over you as the wind streams through your hair and Jeongyeon’s grip on your arm gets just a little tighter and she’s making you feel all funny and proud inside. You feel a certain kind of relief, the kind you get after having a good cry, except you haven’t cried.

“This was a good idea,” you say peacefully.

“Told you” Jeongyeon simply smiles back.

You don’t know why exactly but you’re getting the feeling that she’s not going to talk to you unless you start a conversation, as if to make you feel more comfortable. It’s nice of her but you’d actually give anything just to sit and listen to her talk about anything in the world. You look down and Jeongyeon’s still swinging the bread in her other hand.

“OK, I’ve got to ask — what’s the bread for?” you smirk and nudge your arm into her teasingly.

“The ducks duh” she giggles.

“Why do you like ducks so much?” you ask.

You want to ask her a bunch of silly shit because right now you’d give anything just to be silly with her and forget your problems.

“When I was growing up on my parent’s farm, we had a pond out the back of our house, well actually it was more like a swamp, anyways there were always a few ducks there and they quacked every morning at exactly a quarter past seven. They always woke me up, they were like my personal duck alarm clock,” she says with a bashful shrug.

You smile stupidly at her as you both walk into the main part of the park.

“If I ever need to wake you up, I know what to do” you smirk.

She laughs softly and bumps the loaf of bread into your hip playfully. “C’mon” she says and nudges her chin toward a bench in front of the park pond. You think it’s the very spot you first saw her when she was taking Lucy for a walk.

You both sit down and you give a large satisfying sigh. You still feel strangely relaxed, your problems seem a million miles away or at least somehow don’t feel as relevant.

“Sorry I stalked you here” you utter out before you can stop yourself.

Jeongyeon giggles like you’re being silly and sighs. “I’m curious, why did you do that? You didn’t know me.”

“Dunno” you shrug and begin licking away at your now slightly melting ice cream to distract yourself. “I’ve never did anything like that before, I guess you just drew me in, fascinated me… you still do…”

You’re way too fucking embarrassed to even look at her reaction to that but you hear her content little sigh like she’s pleased with you and you internally fight a grin.

Another silence submerges you both and you just blink lazily, watching a few ducks patter by on the pond.

You look out across the park nothing but the sound of rustling leaves and the wind blowing around you. The distant noise of people and cars can be heard but everything and everyone else seems so far away, especially when you have this woman sitting next to you.

“Thanks” you say quietly, bringing the minty ice cream up to your mouth and licking away. The cooling sensation it creates in your stomach is extra comforting.

“I didn’t do anything,” Jeongyeon says quietly, shifting on the bench beside you a little.

You turn around to correct her but your breath catches in your throat. Jeongyeon’s looking at you with a shy expression, her nose and cheeks are rosy red but those goddamn eyes are so brown today, more so than usual. She captures her lower lip and chews on it, looking at you apprehensively like you’re about to blame her for all of this. She shouldn’t feel guilty about any of this and you don’t like that look on her pretty face.

“What’s the matter?” she asks as a small smile curls up slowly on her lips, “The cold of the ice cream catch the back of your throat? I do that all the time and loose my breath,” she says with a small giggle.

Your stomach flutters and you shake your head dumbly at her, “Not the ice cream that made me lose my breath… just you…”

You quickly look away and feel your cheeks burn and your stomach spin. For once you’d like not to sound like an idiot around her. “Last night, why were you drinking?” you quickly ask, partly to divert attention from yourself and partly because you really want to know. “I mean, you seemed to want to get drunk… I never pegged you as a heavy drinker…”

You look back to her and she’s looking at you pensively as she twiddles a golden lock of hair around her finger. “Uhm, I was just thinking about this whole situation,” she says quietly, skewing her mouth to the side with unease.

“This is not your fault” you say resolutely, “I need you to know that.”

Jeongyeon gives a cynical laugh and rolls her eyes away from you and they land instead on the pond in front. “It’s mostly my fault though” she sighs sadly watching a few ducks drift by. “I’m supposed to be going back to work on Monday yet I don’t think I can.”

“Why not?” you ask worried.

“Don’t you think it’s a little wrong of me to go back to doing what I do after what I’ve done to you and Jackson?” she asks and she drops both her hands to her lap, looking at the ground. “I mean,” she pauses and turns to face you and you see the guilt swirling around the features on her face. “I’m a relationship councilor, I’ve spent a few years dealing with peoples lives who have been ruined by the other person. You know, the person the partner cheats on. I’ve seen marriages of 40 years go down the proverbial toilet because someone just had to cheat, and now I am that other person. I don’t even feel guilty, not really. That’s the worst part. I feel guilty about advising people on relationships now because well, I’ve singlehandedly ruined one and I’ve crossed all sorts of lines to do so but I don’t even feel remotely guilty about how my actions affect Jackson. Yet there’s you, so overwhelmed with guilt that you literally pass out? I feel like suddenly there’s something wrong with me… I never used to be like this…”

“Jeong” you say softly, shifting closer so your thighs are brushing against each other. “You’re a really good person, in fact you’re the nicest person I ever met but like you said you’re human. You make mistakes, misjudgments, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a selfless, beautiful person and a goddamn good counselor. Please don’t think that me or our situation has changed any of that.”

She purses her lips and looks away like she’s contemplating your words but there’s still a frown on her face. You don’t think she believes you.

“I think you have way too high expectations of yourself,” you say boldly. “You know, actually making mistakes can be a good thing? They make you a better counselor and a better person I guess” you shrug. “As for not feeling guilty about Jackson well… he’s a stranger to you really, you don’t know him and since you probably already knew there were problems in our relationship to begin with then maybe that’s why?” you offer. You cringe a little; you’re not good at giving advice.

She narrows her eyes at you and the smallest of smiles twitches at the edge of her lips. “Or maybe” she smiles a little, “I like you so much that I’ve blocked every other feeling out recently.”

You give a wry laugh and nod slowly, “I know the feeling,” you agree as you take a cold bite of your ice cream.

She sighs and her shoulders slump down along with her mood. She begins swinging her legs back and forth on the bench like a child. “I guess I’m just feeling guilty about advising people on sex and marriage and everything when I’m partly responsible for ending one myself.”

“Not a fan of irony, huh?” you smirk and nudge your shoulder into hers playfully.

“You sassing me Im?” she smirks back at you and leans in closer that there’s a comforting warmth generating between your bodies.

You just stutter at her because your ability to speak seems to worsen the closer she gets to you, and sometimes she just leaves you tongue-tied by her words alone.

She smiles at you but it quickly dies and she clears her throat like she’s about to ask you something serious. You swallow a cold piece of ice cream and your insides squirm a little when Jeongyeon seems to physically watch it slide down your throat, like she’s distracted.

“You’re really going do this, aren’t you?” she asks like she can’t quite believe it, her eyes still on your throat as you swallow.

You don’t need to ask her to elaborate, you already know what she’s talking about.

“Yes” you say shakily and nod. “Would be lying if I said I’m not scared or think I’m doing the wrong thing.”

“Oh” Jeongyeon breathes and you watch as a subtle disappointment sweeps over her brown eyes and it’s that look you haven’t seen in a while. You had forgotten how much you hated that look and how uncomfortable it made you feel.

You laugh a little nervously, “I don’t mean like, being with you is a mistake, it’s just, you have to understand I’ve been with Jackson since I was a teenager, I don’t know how to be without him frankly. He’s kinda my best friend.”

“Mhmm” Jeongyeon hums in response, “taking a leap of faith is hard, especially when you’re afraid of falling” she smiles astutely at you. “But do you really want to look back in 10 years time with nothing but regret and what ifs?”

“I know” you concede. “I have to end this, I know I do, I’m just scared and… uncertain about the future, I mean this pretty much affects everything in my life.”

“To be honest, I’d say to you that if you feel anything for him whatsoever then you should stay with him and try work it out.”

You freeze and look at her flabbergasted.

She laughs a little self-deprecatingly, “I mean that is to say… I mean obviously I’d rather you with were me but… I…” she mumbles and seems to be finding it hard to articulate what she means. You smile at the cute confused faces she’s making.

“What I’m trying to say is,” she smiles and rubs her chin self-consciously, “If you feel the unicorns in your stomach with him then you should try make things work with him” she says and pauses to give you a knowing smirk, “but I know you don’t” she adds. “So uhm… instead… you should totally…. uhm… move in with me instead” she says and slaps both her palms down on her thighs with a nervous laugh.

Your heart stops and you stare at her even more flabbergasted. She looks uncertain and shy and her eyes are darting everywhere like she can’t look you in the eye, you’ve never seen her so unsettled.

Your throat feels dry, “I… I-uh… uhm… do you mean… are you asking me to move in with you?” you croak out, your stomach flipping with elation and unease.

Maybe you misunderstood her. The ice cream in your hand is now melting down the sides but nothing can distract you right now.

“Well it’s just if you’re going to break up with Jackson, you’ll need somewhere to stay right?” she inflects her voice upwards nervously. She’s so cute; it’s almost heart-wrenchingly cute how nervous she seems to be. “I mean I don’t mean like move in move in with me if you know what I mean…” she trails off.

“Yeah… uhm….no” you shake your head. She’s lost you.

“I mean not that I’m opposed to the thought of you moving in with me,” she says quickly as if trying to disperse any negative connotation you might have gotten from her previous statement. “It’s just… you can move in with me… until you find a place of your own… only if you want to” she mumbles and gives a shrug.

There’s a long silence and she’s just swinging her legs restlessly back and forth and you’re just watching her feet. You’re sort of stunned. “Uh…” you begin, finally managing to find your voice, “I feel stupid because I’ve hardly thought about what comes after… well… everything” you hesitate, “I mean I figured I’d just go round to Jihyo’s and crash at hers, god I’ve never even lived on my own before, I’ve never really been single or… alone…” you mutter and you’re starting to realize how non-independent you truly are.

“Oh” Jeongyeon breathes and she seems disappointed.

“But I’d rather come to yours” you say quickly, your heart rattling around in trepidation.

Brown eyes snap up and meet yours and her entire face lights up as she breaks out into a toothy grin. “Really?” she breathes like she can’t believe her luck.

“Uh… yeah” you say like it’s obvious and you feel yourself grinning stupidly back at her. “Being with you, living with you? Seems almost too good to be true” you say but then roll your eyes at yourself feeling humiliated.

You’re both plunged into another comfortable silence and Jeongyeon just giggles shyly at you and looks away with red-tinged cheeks. Your stomach flutters in response and you need to look away from her just to gather your thoughts. You’re moving in with Jeongyeon, you’re going to be with Jeongyeon. Your insides are all over the place, the fear and sadness and sheer panic when you think about telling Jackson later yet on the other hand this blonde ray of sunshine just makes it seem worth it. God, you’re so fucking happy you actually feel like standing on the park bench and breaking into some sort of dance. Instead you lick up the ice cream that had trickled down the side of your hand and force yourself to change the topic before you explode with feelings.

“Jeong, last night you said something,” you say to her as your hearts still thumping around inside you.

She scrunches up her face and narrows her eyes looking culpable, “I remember most of last night” she says slowly “did I say something stupid?” she says with a pout.

Ugh. Cutie.

“Uh… no” you smile and tilt your head looking at her with affection. “I was talking about our first time and I said that I’d take you out on a date then we’d go back to yours and… well… it would be proper and romantic.”

“And I said that sounded lame” she smiles and nods. “I still stand by that, dinner then bed with candles or anything like that isn’t how I imagine our first time at all.”

“But,” you argue and you feel kind of annoyed at how much thought you’ve put into this and she seems nonchalant at best. “But it’s supposed to be romantic” you say like that should be enough to convince her.

“Why? Who made up that rule that everyone’s first time has to be some large romantic whirlwind? It’s unrealistic, you’ve been watching too many movies Nayeon,” she says as she opens up the bread, tears a piece in half and throws half of the chunk out at the pond.

You’re distracted for a minute when ducks and some pigeons come swooping around, the ducks on the water fluttering their wings and shaking their heads as they fight over the piece of bread.

“The nature of our relationship hasn’t been very romantic so far, I don’t know why you’re wanting us to be some sort of fantasy all of a sudden,” she says as she decides to chew on the other half of the bread herself and look at you with a worried but determined expression.

“It’s just…” you begin quietly and you can’t even look at her, “how I feel about you is romantic so,” you mumble and shrug feeling embarrassed yet again.

She smiles at you and her eyes look misty almost, brimming with adoration. You’re breathless again. She shifts till she’s right next to you, her crossed legs tilting into your body and she casually flings her arm over the back of the bench so it’s draped around your neck.

She leans into you and whispers in your ear “You’re so cute”, she laughs softly afterwards and her breath tickles your ear and sends goosebumps down your neck. You grip the ice cream in your hand tighter and you feel your face burn red, you don’t know what to say. Reality sinks in and you look around apprehensively, it’s not that you don’t like Jeongyeon’s arm around you, you just don’t want anybody else to see. What if someone you know is here?

“Don’t worry” she smiles, leaning back, her arm still around the back of your neck and she begins making little circles with her fingertip on your shoulder. “Nobody will see us, it’s almost empty, besides if someone does see us, they won’t think too much of it or care.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just not ready for that type of public announcement.”

Jeongyeon sighs and her arm is gone as she shifts away from you, you gaze at her with a sorrowful look. You miss her warmth already.

“I understand,” she says quietly “and if you want our first time to be slow and romantic then that’s more than OK with me” she smiles tranquilly at you. Her brown eyes flicker to the side and a smirk dances on her lips. “It’ll just mean my rough, strap-on, taking you from behind till you can’t feel your legs sex will have to come later,” she says with a nonchalant shrug.

Fuck.

Your grip on your ice cream tightens further. The cone snaps and crumbles in your hand, the top half coming off entirely and falling to the ground with a splat.

“Crap” you hiss, moving your legs out of the way just in time.

Your stomach is already going crazy because Jeongyeon’s giggling at you but it’s much more sly than usual.

She was kidding right?

Fuck.

“I just expected our first time to be passionate and more spontaneous I guess” she says still giggling and you feel embarrassment and excitement jolt around your insides.

Holy fuck, why is she always torturing you?

“Spontaneous” you mumble, the word throws you back to the day you met Jeongyeon and Jihyo said you should do something spontaneous like see a counselor.

This is all Jihyo’s fault.

“Spontaneous… how?” you ask. “Like middle of the park in the afternoon spontaneous?” you joke with a nervous laugh.

Jeongyeon’s eyes, flowing with mischief, seem to shift off to the side behind the bench you’re both sitting on. You watch her dumbly then follow her line of sight; she seems to be looking toward the large shrubbery behind you both.

You look back at her and gasp a little when her eyes are back on you and darting to the shrub. “If you’re feeling adventurous” she smirks.

You gape at her.

She’s kidding right? You never know if she’s kidding or not.

Change the subject. Quickly.

“See, this is why it’s a bad idea for me to move in with you” you stutter out looking miserably down at the ice cream on the ground which now appears to be attracting ants. “For starters I’d make a mess, probably burn down your house or something,” you say with a hollow laugh.

“You should probably stop being so easily distracted then,” Jeongyeon almost whispers to you with a cocky raised eyebrow.

You shake your head at her, “That’s hard when you’re around” you mutter with a smile.

Jeongyeon makes a delightful little short giggle from the back of her throat then glides her hand along your thigh as she stands up. Your leg feels all tingly. You feel like spending so much time in her company is driving you insane and your heart is all over the place, but you don’t want this feeling to stop. Ever. You just sit and smile as you watch the blonde kneel down at the edge of the pond and begin to feed the ducks more bread.

Damn her ass looks good in those jeans.

You roll your eyes and shake your head at your own thoughts. You get up and make your way to Jeongyeon, you decide to sit down on the grass at the edge of the pond beside her, you hope she isn’t mad with you, you’re just not ready for public things, hell you’re barely ready for private things.

You smile at her as she makes cute little kissing and cooing noises at the ducks and they all seem to swarm toward her like animals do to princesses in Disney movies. You don’t blame them. She is a princess in your eyes anyway.

“Stop it” she says softly with a small smile and looks up away from the pond into your eyes.

“Stop what?” you squeak out, getting that familiar feeling she can see right through you.

“Looking at me like that” she giggles and your stomach is doing it’s usual churning and flipping. “You’re staring, you look like you’re about to cry… all misty eyed… It’s kinda cute” she smirks seeming amused.

“I… uh…” you stutter out, “sorry” you mumble, “I like watching you.”

Your cheeks feel inflamed at this point because you’re doing nothing but repeatedly talking crap and humiliating yourself around her. You don’t quite know how she gets you to be so honest.

“Oh,” she says like she just remembered something, “I’ve decided you’re my new lucky charm” she says and looks at you expectantly like you’re somehow supposed to know what the hell she’s talking about.

“Huh?”

God, she’s so adorable you’re just going to melt into a puddle one of these days.

“You know,” she gives a shrug and flashes you a confidant smile “you’re my new lucky charm, things are going to be different from now on. I need you to come to Pyeongchang with me in 2 weeks, we’ll probably stay at the Wang Ranch for a while but that’s not why I want you to come with me.”

“The ranch?” you gripe, feeling the familiar feeling of guilt and nausea now swirl unpleasantly around in your stomach. “Two weeks? Jeong, by that time… Jackson will know… his mom will probably know… I can’t ever go back there… I don’t wanna see the disappointment on their faces.”

Jeongyeon frowns at you and tilts her head sympathetically. “You’re just going to never see them again? Nayeon, you can’t run away from the fallout of this or your problems.”

You gulp. You know she’s right.

“Or have I taught you nothing?” she says with a brazen smirk.

You give a hollow laugh and clear your throat because you think you might cry but you’re sick of crying in front of her, you’re tired of being an emotional mess. “I just…” you begin quietly, your voice trembling, “they’re protective over Jackson, once they find out the reason for us splitting up they’ll never forgive me… or you for that matter…” you mumble.

Jeongyeon tosses another slice of bread out into the pond and sits back on the grass more comfortably. “They’ll just have to deal with it,” she says with a shrug.

“Not everything is as damn easy as you make out,” you snap at her.

Her brown eyes flicker and look away from you nervously.

Fuck. You didn’t mean to be hostile it’s just…

“Sorry” you mumble almost immediately after, “It’s just sometimes you make out everything will be fine and you just don’t know that OK? You don’t know the Wang either, they won’t let us go back there.”

“It’s my property and who stays there is up to me” she says firmly, her jaw clenched a little. “Besides,” she continues, “better to bite the bullet and face them sooner rather than later, even if you wish to never see them again afterwards. I need to go to Pyeongchang and I’m not going to stay at my own property and feel like I shouldn’t be there, OK? And neither should you.”

You find a smile tugging at your lips “Wow, you’re kind of hot when you’re… firm…” you say before you can stop yourself.

She looks a little surprised and flattered by your comment and gives you a smug smirk.

“OK” you nod letting out a long exhale, “I can do this,” you say unevenly.

“We can do this” Jeongyeon corrects you with a smile.

“Right,” you smile lazily back at her, your heart thrumming. “We can do this” you echo her words. “I don’t understand though,” you say slowly, “why do you need to go to Pyeongchang?”

“Thunder Valley” she says like that should be enough explanation.

You blink at her.

She rolls her eyes a little like she’s mad you can’t keep up with her, “Thunder Valley, it’s a motocross track? I need to go and practice” she says excitedly, “I also need to gain weight,” she mumbles like an afterthought.

“Uh… what?” you ask slowly.

You love when she’s in her little cute world of her own but she needs to translate those for you to understand.

“I need to gain a little weight cause I’m not coming down fast enough” she says and chews the inside of her cheek.

“Jeong” you sigh, trying hard to fight back a smile, “you’re fucking adorable but you need to talk to me in a way I can understand.”

“Oh… uhm… sorry” she mumbles and she bows her head, a bashful smile upon her face. “I’m a motocross racer. I’ve already qualified for the AMA Amateur National Motocross Championship, I won my area championship and even won the regional championship but that was just to qualify for the biggest amateur motocross race in the world at Lee Sunmi Ranch, also in Pyeongchang” she says beaming and she’s kind of shaking her legs with excitement and you think she can’t get any cuter.

“That’s… impressive,” you say slowly. “So, you want me to come with you why exactly?”

She stares at you as if it should be obvious. “Aren’t you going to be my girlfriend soon?” she says cocking her head to the side.

Fuck.

“I… uh…” you stutter and suddenly you can’t speak.

She grins at you like she enjoys watching you fumble over your own words. “Cause it will be fun” she says to you softly, saving you from answering, “Once the national championship comes around we can go to Lee Sunmi Ranch which is like a huge fancy getaway place with a pool and everything and we’ll have so much fun and you can watch me race and be my lucky charm, OK?”

You damn yourself because your heart had just begun to settle down but now it’s beating hard and thumping against your skin all over again. You look at her in awe. “That sounds amazing Jeong,” you say shyly, “anywhere with you is awesome but I’m glad you’re actually letting me be involved in your… stuff…”

“Wellllll,” she says slowly as a smirk tugs on her lips and you’re distracted a little because she’s ripping little strands of grass out from the ground. “This is kinda going to be my first serious relationship, I need to introduce you to my crazy side and hope you don’t leave me.”

You grin stupidly at her, “I’d never leave you,” you say before you can stop yourself.

You really need to stop talking. You wonder if she’ll ever stop making you feel like this, like your insides are made of wax and she’s this giant hot flame that just seems to melt it all away so damn easily.

She looks at you and quickly looks back out to the pond giggling like a shy schoolgirl. Your heart and stomach flutters and you suddenly find it hard to breathe and swallow.

“You’ve never been in a serious relationship?” you stutter out, curious.

“Not really, but you’ve never really ever not been in a serious relationship, I don’t see the difference. In fact, maybe we should just pretend we’re not serious for your sake, I think you being single would be good for you.”

You stare at her, hardly believing what you’re hearing.

“Of course” she says with a small smile, “you could be one of those single people who just like… sees a person exclusively for a while and still be single… uh… and do a bunch of non serious stuff like walks in the park and… uhm… lots of non serious sex, yeah just lots of sex” she smirks at you.

You smirk back at her and your eyes drop to her lips, you watch amused and excited as she does the same. You know what she’s trying to say, she thinks as your counselor it would be good for you to take a break from relationships for a while, especially after coming out of a serious one and since you’ve never really been single in your entire adult life, but as Jeongyeon she’s telling you her feelings for you are serious. She’s serious about you. Fuck.

You’re serious about her too.

You love that about you and Jeongyeon. Sometimes you’re both on the same wavelength it’s scary and other times you don’t understand her at all which just makes her all the more fascinating to get to know.

You watch winded a little as her eyes seem to drop and roll down your body slowly. You can’t stop smiling.

“So… uh… why the weight thing? Want me to buy you a bunch of chocolate bars?” you joke, needing to get rid of the tension suddenly in the air. It’s a good tension, one you’re used to but right now you can’t deal with it. It’s the same kind of tension that made you do something stupid, like kiss her, which incidentally turned out to be the smartest thing you ever did.

“See, when you’re riding motocross bike,” she says like she’s preparing herself to talk in laymen’s terms, you think it’s so cute how passionate she is about this. “You’re racing, right? Doing crazy flips in the air looks cool but it’s no good for races, when I’m going over a bump in the dirt and I’m in the air? I need to get to the ground as quickly as possible to gain the speed I lost, to do that you need to press your bodyweight down on the bike and I think I’ll do it quicker if I gain weight.”

“You want to be fat?” you screw your face up at her.

She giggles and rolls her eyes playfully, “No silly, I need to gain muscle weight, preferably in my thighs and arms.”

You blink at her again. “Uh… you’re already pretty… uh… good in that department.”

“I said I’d never go but I think I need to join a gym,” she says, ignoring your comment.

You smirk at her, “We could do that together, and I’ve been meaning to get back to the gym. I used to go all the time.”

“Oh? Why did you stop?” she asks and rests her head on the palm of her hand looking at you curiously.

“You’re not my counselor today Jeong” you say to her in a faux stern voice.

She smiles like she’s glad you noticed her change in demeanor. “Well, whatever the reason you should go and we should go together, exercising is really good for depression, it releases the positive endorphins in your brain that depression suppresses and it also makes sure you’re tired by the time you get home at night, ensuring a good night’s sleep” she smiles.

You just smile at her; your face kind of hurts from smiling so much today. This morning and last night you felt like your life was fucking bleak at best, and even though there’s lots you still fear, Jeongyeon always manages to bring out the best in you, the positive side in you. She’s making you look forward to things when it feels like it’s been years since you truly did.

Jeongyeon throws one last piece of bread out and stands up; you automatically stand up with her because you’ve just grown accustomed to following her lead.

“I should get you home, you need to rest” she says with a caring smile.

She comes over to you and hooks her arm back with yours and you both begin to walk slowly toward the park exit. You really don’t want this day to end.

“Don’t worry Nayeon” Jeongyeon says and gives your bicep a gentle squeeze that leaves your arm feeling all funny. She leans into your side and whispers to you like you’re the only person in the world. “I want us to be just like turtle doves.”

You blink as Jeongyeon lets go of your arm and makes her way toward the car.

You watch, lost in her wonder. You’re not exactly sure what she meant by that but you’re sure it’s something pure and beautiful, just like she is.

It’s not long until you arrive back at your apartment block, Jeongyeon opens the car door for you again and you just shake your head at her as you step out. You both walk in silence toward the entrance, but it’s not a comfortable silence this time, you’re kind of feeling on edge.

You both walk up the stone steps to the entrance door and Jeongyeon stops behind you so you turn around to look at her. You’re nervous because you don’t know what happens now, you want to invite her up but you’re not sure that’s a good idea.

“Soooo” she smiles and looks to the ground nodding a little at it.

You laugh softly, maybe she’s nervous too, it’s uncharacteristic of her though and you enjoy watching her out of her element.

“So” you repeat and your voice is shaking.

She makes you so damn nervous. You rub your now clammy palms down your side and sway on the spot restlessly. Your heart’s in your throat and you stare at her lips, you really just want to kiss her, not only because kissing her is awesome but also because you can’t really put it to words how to thank her for today.

“I… I don’t know what I would have done without you today” you breathe and take a step closer to her.

She mumbles something and shrugs like it was nothing.

You step closer to her again and now the tip of your boots are hitting hers and your breasts are pressing against hers too. She gasps a little like there’s not enough air and her eyes lock on yours. Now you feel like you’re drowning all over again but you like this drowning, there’s nothing panicky and scary about it, it’s just like your floating upwards towards a surface that’s unknown.

You look nervously around, there’s nobody on the sidewalk as far as you can see in both directions so you decide to do the bravest thing you think you’ve ever thought about doing.

“No seriously” you say breathlessly and lean in till your nose grazes her cheek and you watch stunned as she breathes heavily back and her eyelids flutter shut. You watch her, your face hovering by hers for a moment and you smile at how her eyes are shut in preparation and she moistens her lips with her tongue. You may disappoint her but you don’t think you care, “thank you” you whisper against her skin as you lick your own lips and press them hotly against her cheek.

“Mhmm”, a noise escapes from the back of your throat without really meaning to say anything as you press your lips against her soft skin just a little more firmly. You feel your lips tingle as you breathe deep through your nose and shudder a little, you smell her skin and taste a creamy texture on your lips, you think it’s a moisturizing cream she uses or something and it’s fucking intoxicating. You tear your lips away to press another quick kiss slightly higher than the one you just placed and force yourself to step back from her and just stare.

She opens her eyes slowly and just blinks lazily at you. She’s so cute you can’t stand it so you just smile tranquilly at her. A smile tugs her lips too and her eyebrows rise like you impressed her.

Your heart’s now pounding everywhere, you think you even feel it in a vein on your neck.

“You can come up if you want” you say quickly before you lose your damn nerve. “For coffee or something” you mumble.

You try your hardest not to roll your eyes at yourself.

Jeongyeon’s eyes cast downwards as she bounces a little uncertainly on her feet. “I dunno,” she sighs and her eyes are back on yours, “you should get some rest, besides Jackson will be coming back soon.”

“Jackson’s not due home for another 2 hours… and I will rest… c-can you just stay with me on the couch or something till I fall asleep?” you ask lamely.

She tilts her head and shoots you a sympathetic smile like she can’t possibly say no to you. “Fine” she caves.

You just don’t want her to leave you today.

When you both enter your apartment she spins around walking into the living room and looks around the room.

“Nice place” she says.

You gulp and you’re suddenly embarrassed about the mess like the bundle of clothes in the corner. You’re also embarrassed about other things like pictures of you and Jackson on the bookshelf.

“We can just sit and watch TV if you want?” you say awkwardly as you gesture to the couch.

She runs her tongue along her teeth looking in thought before nodding. You both take off your jackets and you go back through to the hall to hang them up. You exhale and will yourself to stop being a nervous wreck around her.

You walk back into the living room to see Jeongyeon’s already lazing back on the couch and watching an old black and white movie on a channel you never knew you had.

“You like old movies?” you ask as you sit down on the far end as far away from her as possible.

“Not particularly” she shrugs, “but I tend to find they help me sleep so…”

“Right,” you say ineptly, “sleep…”

Sleep is the last thing on your mind when Jeongyeon’s here with you, looking cute as hell and being the most awesome person in your life. It’s also the last thing on your mind when she keeps licking her lips and the top button on her shirt is undone so you can see how smooth and luscious her collarbone looks. Sometimes you think you just want to sink your teeth into her.

Jeongyeon clears her throat and you snap out of it to gape at brown eyes looking back at you humorously. Her eyebrows are raised and she giggles. Your stomach flutters right on cue and you feel heat rise to your cheeks. She caught you staring.

“Aren’t you coming closer?” she whispers and you have no idea why she’s whispering but your heart just rattled and the back of your thighs feel like they are sweating. You can hear your heart pound in your ears as she moves her arm up and rests it on the back of the couch much like she did in the park. She looks to you then inclines her head to the space beside her. She’s inviting you in.

You feel sick in the most wonderful way as you scoot closer and closer to her and you give a sigh in relief almost as you settle yourself into her side.

Your head perfectly fits onto her shoulder and you lean into her, your body buzzing like it’s going into overcharge. You rest your hand down on her thigh and you feel the warmth of her burn through the material of her jeans and it makes your hand feel tingly.

You feel her hair tickle your side when she leans in, “is this ok?” she whispers, her hot breath melting into your ear.

You gulp and nod.

You can’t fucking speak.

You sigh in relief a little as she turns back to the television and you both sit in an intense silence for a few minutes watching the movie. You actually feel your body heating up and the air in your lungs dampen. You just want to kiss and kiss her till you can’t feel anything but her anymore. You don’t know how to go about it though, is there a polite way of asking ’you wanna make out’?

Your head is burrowed down and resting on her shoulder and you can see down her shirt. You smile a little because she’s wearing a white bra. You once again smell a nice creamy aroma emanating from her and you gape up at her and stare at her lips. They are so pink and soft looking, you want to kiss her.

“You smell nice” you say quietly, you feel her body tense a little as your own breath probably just travelled down her neck.

She makes a little sound from her throat and you feel it vibrate in her body. You love being this close to her. You’re not sure what it was supposed to be but you suppress a chuckle because she doesn’t comment further. Maybe she’s finding it just as hard to concentrate as you are.

You need to make idle conversation, maybe that will help.

“So, uhm… what exactly is a sex therapist, what do you do?” you ask clearing your throat just to break a little of the tension.

Out of all the things you could’ve spoke about.

You fucking idiot.

“I give advice” she says with a shrug, “It’s not as interesting as it sounds,” Jeongyeon says quietly and she captures her lower lip with her teeth and just looks down at you all breathless and almost doe eyed.

Holy crap.

You stare back up, completely lost in her eyes.

“Any funny stories?” you ask lamely to try make the atmosphere light but it’s not working; the air between your bodies feels heavy.

“I’d never divulge what patients tell me,” Jeongyeon says, “but” she adds and her thin pink lips curl upwards into a devious smirk. “There is some… interesting… conclusions I’ve came to.”

“Yeah? Like what?” you ask and you’re speaking really lowly and quietly. You’re afraid if you speak any louder you’ll both just snap.

“Liiikkee” she drawls out and leans her forehead down onto yours, gazing into your eyes intensely. “Woman in same sex relationships tend to have the most satisfying sex life,” she breathes down on your face.

“Oh” you say wordlessly back up at her, “w-why do… do… you think that is?” you stutter back, trying to prolong this ruse of a conversation.

“Number of reasons” she shrugs, her eyes dropping to your lips and darting back up to your eyes. “Men can’t have multiple orgasms and sex tends to be a draining experience for them, unlike woman.”

Your grip on her thigh just got a little tighter.

You’re curious though.

“What do you mean?” you ask and your head’s just lulled backwards staring up at her dreamily. You don’t think you ever want to move from here, even if you do feel like your hearts about to burst out your body.

“Well when guys orgasm” she pauses and smirks at you a little, she’s talking almost as softly as you are. “They y’know work it out till they reach their one climax, but reaching that one climax is like the physical equivalent of running a marathon. Imagine running then suddenly having to stop and catch your breath. That’s why most guys tend to fall asleep straight after sex and tend to get very tired from it, in many sports for example they ban sex before big games or matches, it depletes their stamina” she smirks informatively at you.

“Women… are different?” you croak out.

“In a way, yes” she sighs quietly and she’s looking down beyond your face toward your body, probably your boobs. You smirk a little. “In the sense that woman can have multiple orgasms and can last for sustained periods of time, one orgasm for example, even an intense one, won’t tire us completely….so…” she trails and seems to lose her breath.

Her other hand comes up and she strokes her fingertips along your face and tucks your hair behind your ear. You shiver at her touch.

“So…” she repeats again like she’s forgotten what she was about to tell you. “So… uh… two women can in general, more often than not, participate in hot… sweaty… love making,” she breathes out heavily.

You gasp a little and hold your breath.

“Like uh… make love for hours and hours and…” she trails off and just looks at you dumbly.

She’s just gaping down at you.

Your heart is pounding away in your throat and between your legs.

You can’t feel your fucking legs either.

She clears her throat as if to snap herself out of a trance. “Plus you have the points of having the same anatomy… women communicate better… plus it’s not common for straight men to perform oral sex on their partners, which is sad.”

You swallow thickly and before you can stop yourself you ask “What’s it like?”

You lock eyes with her and hope you don’t have to elaborate.

“It’s one of my favorite things to do,” she says almost shyly and you watch mesmerized as her cheeks turn a little red. “Oral sex feels amazing but to go down on another woman… there’s nothing like it…”

“You never answered my question,” you whisper, craning your neck so you’re staring up at her, your face even closer.

“It’s like” she pauses and leans down nudging her nose playfully into yours. Her eyes look up in thought and slowly drop back down to yours with a mischievous glint in them. “It’s like dipping your tongue into a warm delicious pie,” she pants against your lips, her eyelids fall shut and they vibrate a little like she’s trying to remember a taste and sensation. “A pie that tastes so fucking good you want to lap away until you’ve consumed every last drop that’s inside.”

You whimper as your lips ghost against hers.

“I like pie” you blurt out and feel your face almost overheat with embarrassment.

You don’t have time to linger on it as Jeongyeon’s lips press against yours and you whimper again against her mouth. You feel the blood drain from your face and all of it just seems to be rushing to pulsate between your legs instead.

She quickly leans back and cups your chin tilting you up and your head’s literally in her palm. You’re melting at her touch. Before you can ask what she’s doing, you feel her hot breath on your neck and she dips her head down and drags her wet tongue slowly up your neck, then it’s on your chin, then it’s on your lips, then it slips into your mouth and she’s swallowed the pathetic moans leaving your throat and consumed your mouth entirely with her own.

Your throat rattles as you make a sound you’ve never even made before but it’s broken by Jeongyeon’s tongue that’s dipping furiously in and around your mouth, swirling around your own tongue and you feel fucking dizzy. It’s hot and messy and wet and you feel like you’re going to faint.

“Nayeon?”

You frown and whimper a little as Jeongyeon continues to lap away inside your mouth, her breath heavy and deep against your face.

If she didn’t say your name and you didn’t say it then…

You quickly jolt away from Jeongyeon as fast as you can, your lips bursting apart and you look up gasping for air at a confused looking brunette.

One blonde is sitting frowning at you on the sofa and one brunette is standing at the hallway threshold, mouth agape and brow furrowed.

It’s Jackson. He’s caught you.

No.

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.

This isn’t happening.

You’ve been caught.


	15. This Night

Your heart is racing as you stand and stare, open-mouthed at Jackson by the threshold. You watch in horror as you see his face contort with hurt, confusion and shock, you can tell by the way his eyes are flicking drastically between you and Jeongyeon and by the way his mouth is loosely dropped open.

“You’re home early,” you croak out, your heart thrashing and racing uncomfortably behind your chest.

You’re not sure why you said it or why it’s even relevant but it’s the first thing that enters your mind.

He just stares at you, his eyes glaring and e’s trembling like trying to speak but doesn’t know what to say.

You gulp not knowing where to start as you feel the blood drain awkwardly down your body. You consider lying, you consider telling the truth but your brain is too much in shock and muddled that nothings coming out your mouth.

His eyes are watering and it alarms you because you’ve rarely saw Jackson cry. “H-h-how long has this been going on?” he says angrily looking between you both.

You want to deny it, even though you know it’s not the truth you want to tell him that it’s just a one off, that it didn’t mean anything.

He looks at you though, his face the palest you’ve ever seen it and it’s like the truth is written all over your face because he winces like he found an answer there he didn’t want to read.

“You, get out” he says flatly to Jeongyeon.

“This i-isn’t her fault,” you say your entire body trembling.

“It’s probably better if I leave Nayeon” Jeongyeon says quietly and she’s already walking out of the room. A few seconds later you hear the front door shut and you gulp and want to call her back because you can’t do this without her.

“So…” Jackson starts and he’s heaving, almost like you were doing, you don’t want him to panic. “You’re gay or something?” he asks and he’s crying. His face is stained red already and tears are dropping down from his eyes.

“I… I don’t know” you blurt out and feel your own eyes sting.

“But” he shakes his head like he can’t comprehend the idea, “you’ve been with me all these years, you can’t be, I’d know, I’ve known you since you were 14 Nayeon” he blubbers and he’s back to crying.

You’ve never saw him like this. He looks like a giant kid, in fact he reminds you of a time when you were both young and he fell of his bike and started crying like a baby, it was a genuine cry, full of hurt and pain and he’s crying the exact same way right now. You feel your own tears slip down your face.

“I don’t u-u-understand,” he blurts out between messy tears and his face is red everywhere, his large lips quivering.

You’ve completely broken his heart.

You feel sick.

“I don’t” he shakes his head and walks up and down looking around the room. “We’re going to get married in a few weeks! We… we were supposed to settle down, I had been looking at other houses, we’re supposed to start a family.”

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, not knowing what to do or say. You need to get out of here. “I’m leaving now.”

You feel like a robot working on auto-pilot, you feel like your emotions have just paused and you’re already packing your clothes and thinking of other stuff you’ll need to pack too. You have a big pack under your bed and you think that will do. You wonder if you’re a monster or if you’re so in shock you can’t feel anything.

Toothbrush, hair-dryer, clothes, make-up.

You don’t know how much time has passed and Jackson hasn’t said anything else, but he’s watching you pack in the bedroom, wailing uncontrollably. Actually, wailing like his heart hurts so much it’s causing him physical pain. God, if you don’t get out of here, he’s going to combust.

“You can’t do this Nayeon, don’t do this to me, I forgive you, we can work it out!”

You continue packing ignoring him. You don’t know what to say, you don’t know how to explain to him how Jeongyeon is different from him. How woman seem different from men to you. You’re still trying to work it out yourself so how can you possibly try and explain something you don’t understand to him?

“Nayeon, listen to me!” he shouts and he’s getting angry. “I love you.”

Once you’ve thrown everything you can think of into your suitcase you walk toward him with a defeated smile. “I love you too Jackson, but I’m sorry, I think I mistook it for another kind of love” you say softly and begin to walk toward the hall, dragging your suitcase behind you.

Everything you own is practically in this thing and the world suddenly seems so big. You grab your purse and leave you key on the table by the front door, not knowing when or if you’ll be back here. You close the apartment door behind you, hearing nothing but the harsh sobs of the boy you fell in love with, or thought you fell in love with.

Jeongyeon’s already waiting outside for you, the car door opens like she knew you’d be out sooner or later. You feel like you’re going to throw up and you don’t feel like talking so you just throw your suitcase in the back and let her drive you to her place.

“Here, let me get that” she says, gently tugging the suitcase out of your hand as you both enter her apartment. She goes through to her room and you slump down on the sofa. The world is eerily quiet. You never heard anything on the drive over, you’re not even sure if Jeongyeon said anything to you or not. Your eyes fall on Lucy who’s lying down in front of the TV, normally she’s all over you when she sees you but she seems to sense a shift in your mood so she’s just staring at you. You don’t deserve to be welcomed, you don’t deserve anything.

Jeongyeon comes walking back through and smiles at you. “We should get drunk, rent a hooker and forget all about your problems.”

You stare at her stupid face.

“Is that your attempt at being funny?”

“Yeah, did it work?” she asks hopefully.

“Kinda” you mumble. “Why am I not feeling anything?” you ask like it’s her fault.

“It could be your medication” she says softly like she’s afraid to speak any louder.

You frown at her, wanting her to elaborate.

“SSRI’s are supposed to prevent you from feeling lows, they stabilize your mood so…” she says and shrugs.

“So I’m an unfeeling fucking zombie? Great” you snap at her. “I’m fucking insane.”

“Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” Jeongyeon says airily, completely ignoring your attitude.

“Pfft, yeah?” you ask her dryly, you’re being rude to her and you don’t know why. “What exactly is it I’m doing over and over again Einstein?”

She looks a little taken aback by your hostility but she clears her throat and shrugs. “Jackson?”

“Are you trying to be funny again?” you snarl at her.

“No,” she says impatiently, “you were in a relationship that you thought was right but you felt like you were still waiting on something bigger to happen, something’s been nagging you for a while but you probably didn’t know what it was, like you were waiting and expecting a greater feeling to come along, maybe you thought getting married would give you that feeling, if not that then maybe having kids? Then you would have kept trying and trying until you realized that feeling just ultimately isn’t there.”

Your face drops at how accurate she is, you’ve come to expect it by now but it still surprises you. “What feeling?” you ask.

She smiles a little, “It” she says simply and departs through to the kitchen.

“It” you mumble under your breath when she’s gone.

You wonder what it is and whether you’ve found it in her.

You spend the entire day not eating and sleeping on the sofa, you ignore the dog and Jeongyeon when they both try to get your attention. You realize you haven’t ate since Thursday night but you feel too sick to eat. You spend the night on the sofa too, Jeongyeon implores you to sleep beside her but you ignore her like you’ve been doing all day. Come Sunday morning Jeongyeon’s up early and she calls to you that she’s taking Lucy for a walk, you jump at the chance and rush through to her bedroom to sleep there instead. You just want to sleep and sleep. You’ve also turned off your phone because you’re scared of what might happen if you turn it on.

Jeongyeon comes in later and sits at the edge of the bed.

“You haven’t had a shower in days” Jeongyeon says in a stern but empathetic tone. “You also haven’t eaten in days.”

“Leave me alone Jeongyeon” you mumble and throw the pillow over your head. You don’t want to hear it, why can’t she just leave you alone for a while? You’re allowed to feel depressed, you’re allowed to be fucking upset.

“I can’t” she says, “this is how deep depression starts, first you don’t care about yourself or others, then you stop taking care of yourself, a few days turns into a week then a few weeks, it’s the beginning of a destructive cycle.”

You roll your eyes even though she can’t see, “Whatever Jeongyeon,” you say shortly, “am I not allowed to lie in bed and fucking be upset about things?”

“Yes, you are, I just want you to be clean while you lie in bed and sob over your failed marriage,” she says and you can hear the smirk in her voice.

You spin around and sit bolt upright to face her on the edge of the bed. “This isn’t funny,” you say flatly, frowning at her.

You’re mad at her but you don’t think you can be mad much at her at all. You want to be really, really mad at her but you don’t think it’s in you which scares the hell out of you because you can get mad at anyone easily enough, even Jackson.

“Oh, I know honey,” she says with an apologetic pout.

Your heart stops briefly. She called you honey again.

“But you’re getting a shower right now, I’m worried about you, don’t make me fight you again.”

You roll your eyes and feel like you’re on a short fuse, “Just leave me alone, OK? I know what you’re trying to do and thank you but I just want to be gross and, in this bed, OK? You can’t force me to do something I don’t want to do.”

“Can’t I?” she says with an arched brow.

“No, you can’t—”

You’re cut off when Jeongyeon practically lunges at you, wraps her arms around your waist and with a strength you didn’t even know she possessed hauls you up entirely from the bed. She’s suddenly thrown you over her shoulder and is stumbling off the bed.

“Put me the fuck down right now” you grunt through gritted teeth and you’re upside down and feel dizzy, you feel the blood rush to your head and you’re so damn angry.

You think you might actually hit her.

You flail and try kicking your legs but she’s got a good grip on you and she simply walks you out of the room with your body thrown over her shoulder like some damsel in distress.

“No can do gorgeous,” she says happily, like your anger means nothing, like this is an everyday occurrence. To add insult to injury she pats her hand on your ass playfully. “You’ve got a shower to get, or are you going to force me to strip you butt naked?”

“Get off me, let me go!”

She ignores you though and the next thing you know your ass is opening the bathroom door and she drops you down with such ease in front of the shower.

“Stay here,” she smiles, “I’ll go get you a towel, some clothes and underwear.”

You frown at her moodily and cross your arms over yourself. She has no fucking right.

She comes back as quick as she left with your stuff in her arms, “OK, so here’s your towel” she says and puts it onto the table next to the shower. “I just grabbed you some sweat pants and a t-shirt if that’s OK since I figured you probably don’t want to go anywhere” she says as she puts them down by the towel.

You’re so mad at her but you can’t bring yourself to shout at her at all. It’s sitting angrily in your throat but when you open your mouth nothing comes out.

“Oh” she says suddenly and holds out a pair of your cotton yellow underwear, she holds it down by her own crotch and sways her hips back and forth as if trying them out. “Cute panties” she smiles a little and looks at you with a blush.

You gulp your anger and any other emotion you might be feeling right now down and just stare at her, ignoring how your heart flutters for the first time in what’s felt like years.

“Being with another woman does have benefits you know” she smirks, “you’ve practically doubled your wardrobe.”

You feel a smile twitch your lips but you just roll your eyes and huff at her moodily. “If you want me to get a shower so bad, shouldn’t you just leave me alone to get to it then?”

Her smiles fades and she scrunches up her brow. “Uhm… OK” she says quietly, putting down your underwear next to your other clothes and giving you an apologetic yet sad smile. “Shout me if you need anything” she says quietly and leaves shutting the door behind her.

You feel fucking awful as you stand under the shower head, letting the warm water wash away some of your sadness. You’re being an asshole but she just doesn’t get it. You feel tears stream from your eyes and you didn’t even feel them coming, you’re beginning to wonder if the medication is numbing you too much, you don’t know if you’re feeling anything anymore. You have this deep ache in your heart and stomach, like a giant ball of sadness you just want to set free but you can’t, it’s just sitting heavily inside you.

Once you come out the shower you wrap a towel around your hair and a giant fluffy one around your body. You sigh, your muscles feeling more lax. You hate to admit it but you’re glad she forced you to get a shower.

You open the bathroom door and make your way to the living room. Jeongyeon’s sitting on the sofa her head lulled back, she’s in tight jeans and a grey tank top. She looks like she was sleeping but her head comes up and she smiles at you when you walk closer to her.

You’re suddenly feeling a rush of emotion and you’re not sure exactly what it is, you want to hug her, you want to cry in her arms but you also want to rip her clothes off and kiss her everywhere.

“Feeling better?” she asks with a small tentative smile, like she feels guilty about forcing you earlier.

You walk up to her without a word and come to stand in front of her. You watch as she swallows thickly and watches you curiously. You spread your legs and sit on her lap, wrapping your still wet arms around her neck.

You arch into her and crane your neck up, exposing the flesh of your neck to her. Your eyes facing the ceiling you close them and breathe heavily “I need you to make me feel better.”

Jeongyeon’s delicate fingers are already tracing up your wet legs and behind your thighs, you shiver when she reaches the towels edge just below your ass. Your leg muscles tighten and you jolt a little into her waist, the air between your spread legs damp and hot.

“Fuck” you gasp.

Jeongyeon’s tongue is on your neck and running up toward your pulse point.

Your eyes pop open and you grip behind her neck hard when she suddenly sinks her teeth into the pulse point on your neck. She bobs her head in and out, your skin between her teeth, shots of pleasure and pain zapping beneath your skin like electricity.

“Harder” you gasp, feeling a rush of blood and excitement go to your head. You rub behind her neck eagerly to spur her on.

She bites down harder on your neck then switches to gentle sucking, your skin burning in pain then tingling when her tongue soothes it better.

“Oh god,” your eyes are stinging because it hurts a lot.

You can’t decide if it’s giving you pleasure or pain but your sparse breathing and pounding heart is telling you that you like it regardless.

“Ugh” you groan out, your head and your sex pounding. “Harder” you growl like she isn’t doing enough.

She detaches her mouth from your neck and it’s over.

You cringe feeling embarrassed.

You look down at her and worried cerulean brown eyes are gazing into yours. “I’m sorry I just…. I just wanted to feel something…” you blurt out and suddenly you’re sobbing uncontrollably.

You wonder where the hell it came from but now you can’t stop sobbing, the type of deep heavy crying that makes you feel like you’re not breathing properly.

“Ssh, it’s OK” she coos gently and you’ve already crumbled, burrowing your head into her neck and letting her embrace you in a hug.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble between tears.

She just strokes a hand through your wet hair in response and continues to hold you tightly. You cry for a while and mutter things into her skin; it feels like a long time because your heart feels like it’s dipped in darkness and you begin to shiver as the air dries your skin and hair. You’re not sure how long it’s been and you think maybe you cried yourself to sleep but Jeongyeon’s gently patting your arm, rousing you from some sort of sad slumber.

“Nayeon,” she whispers gently, “go dry your hair, put on some clothes and I’ll make us dinner, OK?”

“Thank you,” you croak out, your voice thick and deep. Your heart feels a little lighter but you still feel emotionally numb as you walk toward the bedroom in a daze.

After you dry yourself and your hair you feel a little better, if not slightly embarrassed about everything. You put on some sweats and a plain white t-shirt, honestly you feel like crawling back into bed but it’s only 6pm and your stomach suddenly reminds you that you haven’t eaten in two days. You come back into the living room and your heart suddenly fills with a comfortable warmth. The lights are low, there’s two delicious looking ramen dishes on the coffee table bellowing steam and an old black and white movie is on the TV turned down low.

Jeongyeon’s on the sofa smiling at you patting the space next to her. “Alfred Hitchcock’s ’Psycho’ has just started, it’s supposed to be scary and I guess it was at the time but I find it funny” she says and gives a shy giggle.

The warmth is still in your heart and for the first time in days you feel a genuine smile spread across your face.

“Oh, I made us ramen dish too, I hope that’s OK? It’s something light I guess” she says and shrugs.

You walk across and slump down next to her, making sure there’s little space between your bodies. You place a hand on her lap and look into her eyes that look darker in this light.

“I don’t deserve you to be so awesome but thank you,” you say quietly.

Her light brown eyelashes blink and flutter at you as a humble smile spreads beautifully across her face. You quickly lean forward and give her a quick soft kiss on the cheek. You smile at her again without another word and grab your dinner. You start to eat your dinner and leave the palm of your hand on her thigh. She giggles at you as you practically devour the dish in front on your lap.

“Sorry,” you laugh a little, your mouth full of ramen. “I haven’t eaten in days and this is delicious.”

“You’re cute” Jeongyeon breathes and she puts her own finished bowl back on the table and simply leans her head down on your shoulder.

You both watch the rest of the movie, your heart beating wonderfully deep inside you as the warmth of her head engulfs your shoulder sending tingly feelings to your heart and soul. You both laugh at the supposed-to-be-scary moments and the equally bad CGI effects, Jeongyeon gets a little defensive and informs you back in the 60’s it would have been scary. You both end up laughing at even ridiculous things and you feel like a giant weight has been lifted off you, you’re not even sure if you’re laughing because you find stuff funny or laughing at her finding stuff funny, all you know is that your stomach muscles are beginning to hurt and it feels good.

You yawn feeling content and tired once the movie has ended, her head’s still on your shoulder so you turn your own head and hover your nose over her hair. You inhale the smell of her shampoo and you shudder as you whisper “Thank you.”

She sits up away from you and grins lazily back; she looks just as relaxed as you feel.

“Uhm… do you want to dance?” she asks shyly, tucking her blonde hair behind her ears which look red at the tips even in this light.

You blink at her.

“D-dance?”

You look around the room expecting to find an explanation but there isn’t one. “There isn’t any music” you say awkwardly.

She sniggers like she predicted what you’d say. “Not now silly, I’ll put on a nice song and we can just slow dance?” she asks.

You gulp and feel your cheeks burn red. “I-I don’t think I’ve slow danced since Jackson took me to prom” you stutter out and give a wry laugh.

“Nayeon” she pouts but frowns too, “are you saying no to me?” she asks with a glint in her eye, like she already fucking knows you can’t say no to her.

You just stare at her speechless.

She smirks at you before getting up and sauntering toward a small iPod docking station next to the TV. She puts on a song and it’s got a mid-tempo but gloomy beat with oriental strings intertwining through the melody.

She comes over to you and takes your hand gently, lifting you up out the seat. Your heart’s back to thumping because she’s holding your hand again but it seems to be deep and slow, almost like the beat to the song.

_There are things I have done_

_There’s a place I have gone_

_There’s a beast and I let it run_

_Now it’s running my way_

You stand awkwardly facing her not knowing what to do with your hands, “Uh…” you hesitate and she just laughs gently. She takes your hand and moves it around her own waist till you rest it on the small of her back. She clasps your other hand tightly and holds your hand in the air and just begins swaying a little.

_There are things I regret_

_That you can’t forgive you can’t forget_

_There’s a gift that you sent_

_You sent it my way_

You let go of her hand because you somehow don’t feel close enough to her so you rest your head against her shoulder and wrap your arms around her in warm embrace. She responds by gently resting her own hands by your hips and you both resume swaying a little.

_So take this night and wrap it_

_Around me like a sheetI know I’m not forgiven_

_But I need a place to sleepSo take this night_

_And lay me down on the street_

_I know I’m not forgiven but I hope_

_That I’ll be given some peace_

You sigh and smile contently into her, you want to laugh because you’re sure just hugging and swaying a little on the spot doesn’t qualify as dancing but she doesn’t seem to mind at all.

_There’s a game that I played_

_There are rules I had to break_

_There’s mistakes that I made_

_But I made them my way_

It’s the most wonderful, amorous embrace you think you’ve ever experienced, everything is tingly and warm. You hug her in even tighter, feeling her breasts press gratifyingly into your own. You feel her lungs expand and receded with every breath she takes, you feel her back arch, you feel the warmth of her body encased in your own, you feel her breath travel down the side of your neck. You feel high and content, tired but your senses oddly wide awake. You feel like in this rocking and swaying motion you could fall asleep in her arms and it would be the best damn sleep you ever had.

_So take this night_

_And wrap it around me like a sheet_

_I know I’m not forgiven_

_But I need a place to sleep_

_So take this night_

_And lay me down on the street_

_I know I’m not forgiven_

_But I hope that I’ll be given some peace_

_Some peace, some peace…_

After the song finishes, she pulls away slowly and you look up into an equally content and serene smile. She brings you back in and even though the song is finished she begins swaying you again and you feel the vibration of her throat as she begins humming the tune instead. You smile and blink slowly resting down on her shoulder again.

“I knew from the moment I met you Nayeon,” she whispers gently into your hair, causing shivers to erupt down your neck.

“Knew what?” you breathe back just as quietly and shut your eyes; you could honestly fall asleep right now.

“That you weren’t just another one of my patients” You smile at that, laughing softly into the skin of her neck and you just hum back in response to let her know you agree. You suddenly want to tell her stuff though and you’re not sure what it is exactly but every time she talks to you or touches you, she has this weird effect on you that makes you want to divulge your deepest fears to her. She’s like some sort of truth serum and it both impresses and scares you.

“I’m scared of all this… you…” you whisper softly, your eyes still shut, entranced. “I feel like I’m scared by how happy you make me because I’m just not used to it. I think I was just content with Jackson… maybe even settling… but with you… you’re too good to be true and I’m scared because good things don’t usually happen to me.”

“Well they happen to me” she whispers back and you can hear the smile in her voice.

You hold onto her even tighter and you feel her heartbeat against your own and on the palm of your hand on her back.

“Your heart is beating really fast” you smile

“Yeah sorry,” she laughs softly, “it turns into a wimp around you.”

You giggle but Jeongyeon pulls back and her flushed face and tired eyes look at you affectionately. “Something on your mind Nayeon?” she asks quietly.

You gulp and wonder how she knew. You feel silly for wanting to admit this but recently you’ve been feeling guilty about the stupidest of things and you feel like you just want to get it off your chest.

“I’m sorry for not singing to you,” you say unevenly. “I get nervous and…” you trail off not knowing how to explain, “You see, songs haven’t ever meant much to me, they’re fun to listen to and dance to but that’s about it, but then Sana sang that song in the bar that night and I looked at you and I just…” you trail off again feeling the air leave your lungs entirely. “I felt breathless” you exhale, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that songs mean something around you.”

Jeongyeon just looks at you, her mouth hanging open a little and leans down pressing her lips down onto your own. Your heart stops and you feel light-headed a little but she pulls away all too quickly, and you can breathe again. Just.

“You don’t have to explain or apologize for such a silly thing” she winks at you. “If and when you’re ready I’ll be here to listen.”

You nod feeling relief wash over you, you feel stupid for worrying about it now.

“We should go to bed, we’ve both got an early start.”

She takes your hand and again it does crazy things to your body as she leads you into the bedroom. You climb into bed with what you’re wearing and you watch her as she slides off her jeans into just her underwear. You gulp at the sight of pale smooth flesh of her ass but she’s already turned around and climbing in beside you.

You never pegged yourself as a clingy person, you’ve never been like that with Jackson but you’re almost scared to be too far away from her right now so you nuzzle up beside her as soon as her head hits the pillow. You don’t even know if you’ll be able to sleep with her beside you like this as your heart beats frantically around in your chest but you think it will maybe be the first time you enjoy not having a good sleeping pattern. Jeongyeon’s breathing is eventually soft and you watch her face as she licks her lips like some cute puppy falling asleep.

“Jeongyeon,” you whisper placing a palm on her arm under the covers, “I just want to ask you something before you fall asleep.”

You’re so god damn nervous again.

“Mhmm” she smiles lazily up at the ceiling, her eyes shut tight.

“Will you go out on a date with me?” you ask shakily.

You watch as a subtle change in her expression is visible on her face but she’s still smiling and not bothering to open her eyes, she just hums and nods eagerly, “Goodnight Nayeon” she mumbles before rolling over.

You feel your heart jump up to your throat and you almost want to laugh in relief because that was way easier than you thought. You weren’t expecting her to say no but you’re not exactly sure what you were expecting to happen.

“Goodnight Jeong” you whisper back as your head sinks further into the pillow.

You don’t feel like you’re home just yet but a large part of you knows that the more you’re around her, you’re in a place you can call home anyway.

You fall asleep surprisingly quickly, comforted by that thought.

Come morning time Jeongyeon’s already up before you so there’s no arguments about who uses the shower first. Since your work is only a short walk from here you have much more time in the morning than you’re used to so you lie on the sofa and watch cartoons with Lucy lying next to you. You pet the back of her neck and you’re not used to feeling this relaxed, especially in the morning on a workday.

To your horror you have a red mark on your neck from yesterday and you try covering it with makeup and your hair. You have to iron your work clothes because you just stuffed them into your luggage bag without a second thought. Once you’re ready, Jeongyeon’s waiting for you in the living room. You gape at her as she’s wearing a stripy white t-shirt with black shorts with suspenders on, her hair is down and slightly wavy, she runs a hand through her hair so it pulls back gracefully revealing her face and ears.

You gulp.

She smirks when she notices you, “You like?” she asks coyly.

You walk forward and clasp one of the straps between your thumb and pointer finger and slowly run your fingers down the material. You feel her body shift a little and once you reach her breasts you know why, the back of your finger grazes her nipple which turns hard almost instantly at your touch.

You hear the quietest of gasps leave her mouth and you smirk as her ears and cheeks tinge red.

“I like” you breathe back.

You run your finger back up, grazing over the cotton material of her shirt and up along her stiff nipple again and you hear her throat give a shaky sigh. You pull the thin strap out and let it snap back onto her breast harshly.

She hisses and you just laugh lowly, “It’s your own fault you know, you should wear a bra like the rest of us,” you say as you place both your hands on your hips, smiling smugly at her.

Her chest still heaving a little she just scoffs and rolls her eyes, “Y’know it’s totally unfair, society sexualizes female nipples but doesn’t with male nipples, why is it guys are allowed to walk around in the summer with no top on but as soon as a woman does it’s somehow inappropriate? They’re just the same body parts, it’s totally sexist and racist.”

You blink at her then burst out laughing, having no idea you touched upon such a sensitive subject. “I guess, I don’t see how it’s racist though.”

“Because I said so” she huffs and walks toward the hallway and disappears out of sight.

You smile inwardly at yourself, “Can’t argue with that.”

You don’t think you’ve ever felt this happy going to work. Walking in the crisp morning air with Jeongyeon’s arm wrapped around your own, bypassing aromas of coffee shops and bakery stores. You’re too damn happy to talk so you just squeeze Jeongyeon’s arm with your hand every few minutes just to remind her that you’re happy, that her just being here with you makes you happy. You stumble a little because you’re not even looking where you are going, you’re just grinning stupidly at her.

“Are you OK?” she says and flashes you a smile.

Your smile just grows wider and you just laugh at her, feeling like your stomach is floating.

She narrows her eyes, a smirk on her face, “What are you laughing at?”

“Sorry, I’m just… happy… I think.”

“Well,” she says, her voice dropping lower, “I’m happy too.”

You just giggle again and look down at the ground trying to conceal your blush. It’s a Monday morning, and you usually hate Monday mornings.

You eventually approach your work building and it’s rather convenient that Jeongyeon is just literally across the road, you can walk to and from work together. Living with her for the time being is going to take some getting used to but it doesn’t seem as overwhelming as it did yesterday.

Jeongyeon let’s go of your arm and stands just in front of you, “I’ve probably got a mountain of paperwork to catch up on,” she grumbles looking up to her office window across the street. “I probably won’t be home till late” she says and skews her mouth to the side.

Home.

It’s weird to call it that.

“Oh,” you breathe, a little disappointed, “I was going to cook you dinner” you mumble.

Jeongyeon gives you a lazy smile and gently places her hand on your forearm, coming into your right ear. “That’s a lovely thought, but I’m sure I’ll find something else to eat.”

She leans back and there’s a glint in her eye and you’re not sure if she’s toying with you again. You just nod not really wanting to leave her company.

“I’ve decided I’ll take the two weeks off and come to Pyeongchang with you” you inform her, “my boss probably won’t be happy but whatever, I’m the best they have on that floor, they won’t fire me” you smirk and give a confident shrug.

Jeongyeon grins and squeals in delight. She runs at you, wrapping her arms around your waist into a warm embrace.

You giggle uncontrollably as she bounces up and down on her feet, “Thank you, thank you, thank you” she says quickly and pulls away with an ecstatic expression on her face. “We’re going to have so much fun, considering what you’ve been feeling lately I’m going to try my hardest to make you so happy” she beams and nods like it’s a promise, it’s almost childlike, like she’s promising to be on her best behavior.

Your heart swells in your chest and somehow in your throat. “Jeongyeon,” you sigh softly, tilting your head, “you don’t even need to try to make me happy, you already do.”

“Oh” she says, her eyes wide with wonder, like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. “I see” she smiles shyly and looks down at her now tapping feet.

She’s so cute and you’re so happy you feel like crying happy tears but you don’t think you have the energy to.

“Well,” she says eventually, her thumbs sliding under and playing with the straps of her suspenders. “I better go, I’ll be thinking about you all day Nayeon” she says with a giggle and she’s off skipping toward the traffic light at the road junction before you can respond.

You smile stupidly at her leave and cross the street, your eyes falling to her ass and the exposed skin of her thighs. You let out a breath. You gulp as you realize you really want to make love to her, you want to show her how much she makes you happy. You smirk as you enter your work building, maybe you’ll just jump her as soon as she gets home from work. It’s better to be impulsive and spontaneous, being those things has gotten you Jeongyeon after all.

You’re glad you came to work because after hours of sorting through the payroll that nobody bothered to do in your absence you feel like you’re back to normal. You still hate this fucking job but for once you’re thankful it’s here to distract you from your thoughts. You sit at your desk and rapidly tap the pen against the edge of your desk. You’re restless. Feeling a little brave you think it’s time you faced your fears. You bend down and take your phone out of your bag that has effectively been dead for a few days. You switch it on and wait with anticipation, half-expecting to see hundreds of missed calls and texts from Jackson, Jihyo, some other distant friends you haven’t spoken to in a while, maybe even cousins of yours. Jackson would tell your parents, then your parents would tell everyone. Your entire family is probably talking about you right now, you’re not sure why you care because you don’t even like most of your family but the thought of everyone talking behind your back creates an unsettling feeling in your stomach.

You don’t want to care but it bothers you that you do.

When your phone loads though you’re surprised that there are only a few missed calls and texts from Jihyo. Your surprise fizzles into a deep sense of relief. Just as you skim over her messages you get another one incoming from Jihyo.

Jihyo: _Jackson told me what happened. Starbucks?_

You blink at her text; she seems unusually calm, even for Jihyo.

Nayeon: _Not for lunch, Jeong’s working late, Starbucks after work?_

Normally you’d meet Jihyo for lunch of course but not today, you have other plans, plans you’re too embarrassed to tell her about. A second later you get a reply:

Jihyo: _OK, take care_

Again, you sigh in relief without knowing why, you’d thought your world would crumble, maybe it is but right now things don’t seem as bad as you thought. You spend your lunch at your desk, you look around at the empty office, everybody’s gone to lunch, now is your chance. You take your phone back out and open the Internet browser, well, you could do this on the computer in front of you but something’s tell you you’d get fired for watching lesbian porn at your work.

You make sure it’s muted before you press play. You watch silently as two brunette women are for some reason already naked and kissing. You shift in your seat a little; this is just making you want to kiss Jeongyeon. The further they progress you wince a little, it seems so forced and orchestrated, this is honestly doing nothing for you. You try imagining yourself as one of the women but you just feel secondhand embarrassment. You’re about to stop the video when the shorter brunette leans down and closes her mouth over the other woman’s sex. It’s then you see her face, her jaw slackens, her eyes widen. There are some things you just can’t fake and you chew your lip with excitement almost. You stop the video and exit out of the browser, clearing your history just to be safe. You’re desperate to see that look on Jeongyeon’s face, but more importantly you want to be the cause of that look on Jeongyeon’s face. You open your messages and type out a quick one to Jeongyeon:

Nayeon: _Hey Jeong, I’ll walk you home after work, I know you’re working late but I’ll be in Starbucks with Jihyo so just gimme a text when you’re nearly done_

You try clear your mind of the strange brunette woman who had her legs parted and her head flung back in pleasure, your phone buzzes and distracts you from your thoughts:

Jeongyeon: _OK. Hey gorgeous, I have a question :)_

You smile foolishly down at your phone; every time she calls you that your ego inflates by about ten times its usual size.

Nayeon: _Shoot :-)_

A few seconds passes and she texts you back her reply:

Jeongyeon: _What exactly are you going to make me for dinner?_

You stare at her text feeling excitement bubble in your stomach, you don’t know if it’s how you’re feeling or if it’s spurred on by what you just watched but you suddenly think about everything you want to do with her, do to her and you decide upon the only appropriate response you can think of:

Nayeon: _Pie ;-)_

You smirk down at your phone and put it by your keyboard. By the end of lunch, she hasn’t text you back and people are filling back into the office. You wonder if you were too forward but then you scoff at yourself, it’s Jeongyeon. You shrug it off and get back to work.

When it’s almost time for you to go home your boss, Mr. Kim comes over to your desk and taps you on the shoulder. “My office” he says simply and turns around walking back to said office.

You gulp suddenly and feel your stomach plummet; did he know you were watching porn?

You enter his office and sit down on the seat opposite him; he straightens his tie and crosses a leg over considering you for a moment.

“Is something wrong?” you croak out.

“Yes,” he says simply, “Im I’m worried about you. On Friday morning I received a phone call from your fiancée saying that you had been taken into hospital because of mental health reasons and that you wouldn’t be at work.”

You feel a cold awkwardness trickle down your body and your cheeks turn red with shame. He’s looking at you like you’re a different person, there’s almost sympathy there and you don’t like it, he thinks you’re crazy.

“I want you to take time off.”

You splutter a little, your words cut off from surprise at his suggestion. You weren’t expecting this. “Actually, I agree,” you say, “I’m planning to take two weeks off soon but sir, until then I just want to get back to normal, I’m on medication and honestly my work hasn’t been affected” you say firmly.

His stony face splits into a smile and he nods at you, “I trust you Im, I need my staff healthy and you’re the best on this floor.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Don’t overexert yourself, and be sure you take that holiday soon Im, that’s an order.”

Feeling yet another rush of relief you stand up on your chair and thank him. “Sir?” you ask, curious about something. “You contacted Jackson, I take it he is my emergency contact?”

“Yes” he nods.

“I want to change that,” you say unwaveringly even though your stomachs back to spinning with nerves. You rip a yellow sticky note from his desk and write down Jeongyeon’s phone number and address. “I want this person to be my emergency contact from now on.”

“OK’ he says curiously, taking the note out of your hand. You watch his old lips mumble Jeongyeon’s name under his breath.” Who is this person to you? “he asks.

Fuck.

You can tell he’s not being nosy, he’s just curious.

“Just a f-flat mate” you force a smile, thrown by his question.

“I’m currently residing at that address, will that be all?” you ask, desperate to get out of here before he asks any more questions.

He nods and you quickly spin on your heels and bolt out the office.

You’re relieved the day is over as you exit work and look across the street. Your stomach flutters a little, the mere thought that Jeongyeon is just right over there makes you irrationally happy. You turn around though and make your way to Starbucks; the sky is already turning dark.

As soon as you open the door you spot Jihyo at a nearby table wearing a sympathetic smile and holding out your coffee order. You smile feeling relief and tiredness flow through you as you slump down on the chair opposite her.

You take a sip of coffee and sigh, relaxing back in the chair, “What did Jackson tell you?” you ask apprehensively.

Jihyo looks down and fidgets with the edge of her cup.

“Nothing much, he called me in tears, I could hardly make out what he was saying.”

“Oh” you say, feeling your stomach drop not for the first time today.

“He just said he caught you with someone else and that you had moved out, I’m worried about him, he hung up on me and when I went to call back, he didn’t answer.”

You nod slowly, “He didn’t say anything else?” you ask, surprised.

Jihyo shakes her head “No, of course I already knew who he caught you with but he didn’t say anything.”

You feel relief. Again.

“Nice hickey” she says dryly.

Fuck. You thought your hair would cover it up, it wasn’t that noticeable before, and you hope your boss didn’t see.

“Before you start Jihyo, I don’t want a lecture OK? I know how fucked up everything is.”

“Fine. But I just want you to know that I don’t approve, she’s taking advantage of you, you’re confused and feeling vulnerable and she’s supposed to be in a position of power, a position of helping you—”

“She is helping me” you insist.

“What? By shoving her tongue down your throat?” Jihyo says with a quirk of her eyebrow.

“No,” you say slowly, “she does that after she helps me” you smirk.

“Eugh…” Jihyo just groans and rolls her eyes at you.

Your smile fades a little and your eyes land on Jihyo’s brown ones. “I’m serious about her Jihyo,” you say quietly.

She gives an exasperated sigh and nods in resignation, like you’re not telling her anything she doesn’t already know. “I know, I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

You smile and go to say something but your phone buzzes in your bag, you hold an apologetic hand up and see on the screen that Jeongyeon’s calling you.

“Hi” you smile down the receiver and you can already feel Jihyo’s glare burn your face.

“Hi” Jeongyeon says back and her voice sounds different.

“Everything OK?” you ask, taking another drink of coffee.

“Mhmm” Jeongyeon hums and there’s a playful tone in her voice. “It’s just I’ve been thinking about counseling you all day.”

You blink.

The emphasis she put on the world counseling is strange, almost like it’s a euphemism for something else.

“Oh?” you breathe out and suddenly your insides are squirming.

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to imagine you here, imagine me counseling you but using my imagination just isn’t working for me anymore” she says and gives a heavy sigh that penetrates deep into your ear and gives you shivers. “Do you understand what I’m saying Nayeon?” she says lowly.

“Uh,” you stutter, your heart suddenly beating wildly. “No” you blurt out. You feel your face flush because of course you know what she means but Jeongyeon also likes to play games and tease you a lot.

She gives a low delicious deep laugh that simultaneously unnerves and excites you.

“Let me put it this way,” she breathes down the phone and you almost have to lean fully into your own to hear her. You feel your pulse beat against your throat and your heart. “I want you to come over here, lie down on this couch and let me spread my legs over you. I want to sit on that gorgeous face of yours and ride it until I come over and over again in your mouth. Is that clear enough for you?”

Jesus Christ.

All the blood in your body rushes to your cheeks and between your legs, beating and boiling hotly beneath your skin.

The phone slips from your sweating hand and you fumble about, catching it just in time before it hits the floor; you make sure you haven’t accidently hung up on her before shakily bringing it to your ear again.

“I’m c-c-coming, I mean… uh… I’ll come. I’ll come over I mean, I-I-I’ll be over in a minute and—”

You stop stuttering stupidly when you realize she’s already hung up on you. You end the call and sit dumbly on your seat staring into space. Your entire body is shaking.

“I… I have to go” you mumble, standing up without thinking.

“You just got here, you sure? You OK? What did Jeongyeon want?” Jihyo asks.

You turn around and blink at her, only just remembering that she’s here. “Uh yeah coming… I mean fine” you shake your head. “I’ve got to gay… go! Go I mean, I meant go, I have to go…” you say and you walk in a trance toward the door without so much as a second glance behind you.

You’re not sure of much beyond your own apprehension, but deep down you know that you mostly feel excited. Your heart is all over the place. The cool air hits your face and you pause for a second on the sidewalk.

You want to do this.

You actually feel a faint smile on your face.

You know one thing for sure.

This night has taken an interesting turn.


	16. Room 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just be prepared...

You don’t think you’ve ever felt so nervous in all your damn life. Sure, your heart’s beating wildly, your palms are sweating and your limbs feel heavy but there’s something else lingering in amongst everything. You think it’s excitement. You stand for a minute once you enter the familiar building just to catch your breath because you were walking so fast down the street. God, you didn’t even explain to Jihyo where you were going, what if you die? What if Jeongyeon actually kills you? You should have at least left Jihyo with a final message, something like you’ve always appreciated her and to tell your parents you hate them.

You shake your head and walk to the elevator, it’s after work hours so the lights are low and the receptionist that is usually on the ground level isn’t here. You fumble with your hands and shift impatiently on your feet waiting for the elevator. Once it arrives you get in and your stomach sinks as it starts to move upwards.

You’ve been here many times before, you’re always nervous going to Room 47 although usually it’s because Jeongyeon picks at your brain and drags your very soul out for you to look at, hell maybe she’ll still do that tonight.

The familiar noise of the elevator doors opening awakens you from your thoughts and you walk down to where Chaeyoung’s normally stationed at her desk. Tonight, though it’s empty and the place is almost in complete darkness.

Your insides are all over the place as you make your way down the corridor to Room 47, you feel your heart in your throat and the nerves under your skin buzzing. All you can hear is the beat of your heart and the thudding of your shoes against the carpet. The slightest things are unnerving you.

You give a long exhale as your clammy hand rests on the door handle to Room 47. You chew the inside of your cheek in trepidation and force yourself to enter.

It looks different at this time because it’s mostly dark out and the curtains are drawn. There’s only a stand lamp casting a warm but dull glow over the room. You shut the door behind you and look at the blonde behind the desk at the far end of the room.

Jeongyeon’s sitting behind the desk, shoes on the floor, feet on the table laying back casually on her swivel chair with paperwork on her lap. She looks a little startled by your arrival. You feel really warm and you swallow your nerves as you arrive at the other side of her desk. Her light brown eyebrows are raised like she’s surprised to see you and a smirk is tugging her lips like she’s pleased to see you. She doesn’t say anything though; she just chews her pen by the lid of it, twirling it around in her mouth. Her other hand has gone from resting on her paper work to running up the back of the straps of her suspenders.

You clear your throat awkwardly.

You have no idea why she isn’t speaking.

“Uh… I’m here” you say shakily and your voice is low and quiet.

Jeongyeon’s brown eyes consider you for a moment until the pen leaves her mouth with a pop and she places it on the desk.

“Yes, you are” she says, the smirk on her lips growing wider.

You’re positively sweating now and you’re so damn nervous, you just want her to do something; you can’t stand this tension anymore.

Seemingly sensing your anticipation Jeongyeon puts her paperwork on the desk and slowly rises out of her chair. Your whole body stiffens because she walks around the desk and is coming right at you. Oh god. She stops at your side and leans back against the desk looking at you with a calm smile. The sides of her shorts are grazing your thigh and even the slightest contact causes you to go crazy.

Her lack of words is unsettling you.

Why is she so quiet?

You watch as she slowly clasps her soft hand around your wrist and raises your right hand to just in front of her chest. You watch dumbly, your skin tingling as she turns your hand so your palm is facing upward and with her other hand, she slowly starts to trace the lines on your palm with the pad of her delicate index finger.

Fuck.

It tingles and as her fingertip traces over a new area of your palm it tickles, it somehow tickles your heart too and you swoon, actually swoon into her.

She must notice a change because her eyes leave your palm and find solace in your own. Her eyes look so calm yet you can see desire swirl beneath the surface.

“Are you sure?” she whispers, suddenly looking down like she’s shy too.

She’s went from tracing the lines on your palm to circling the inside of your wrist and it’s affecting your ability to fucking speak.

“Yeah” you choke out nervously.

She stops her movements letting your hand fall gently and walks away from you toward the window. She begins to pull the curtain over a little, covering a small gap that was there and you ball your hands up and clench them feeling excitement and nerves jolt throughout your body. Maybe you should say something, make conversation? Compliment her or something.

Because you have no idea how to even start this.

“Jihyo doesn’t approve of us, she thinks you’re manipulating me,” you say with a nervous, hollow laugh.

You have no idea why you instead chose to talk about Jihyo.

Jeongyeon turns around and comes back toward you this time even closer, grazing your side until she’s just behind you. She leans into you from behind, her breasts against the back of your shirt as her hands lean forward and rest on the desk trapping you in from behind. Your head bows submissively and your eyes flutter shut as you feel the electricity zap in the air between you. She’s right behind you, her arms at either side of your waist. She leans forward slowly and her hips feel perfect pressing against your ass.

“And what do you think Nayeon?” she breathes lowly, her breath tickling your neck as her words slip into your ear. “Am I manipulating you?”

You gulp and shake your head, no words whatsoever coming to you.

“Well…” she sighs slowly and you don’t think you’ve heard her voice sound so deep. “Do you want me to? Do you want me to manipulate you Nayeon?”

The euphemism is not entirely lost on you this time.

Your arms and legs feel all wobbly as you whisper “Yes”

Every time you’re alone with her she talks to you with an intensity you’ve never experienced before, it’s sensual and intimate — things you’ve never associated with mere conversation before.

You feel her forehead lean down onto your back and her hot breath exhale heavily down onto your shoulder blade. Her hands leave the desk and trace around the edges of your pencil skirt. You almost laugh because Jeongyeon’s breathing is heavy and uneven and maybe she’s nervous and losing control too.

Your own breath catches in your throat as she starts rocking her hips into your ass from behind and it’s such a small movement that you’re not sure if you’re just imagining it. It’s as frictionless as possible and already she’s driving you crazy.

“Ugh…”

A sound escapes from the back of your throat and already you feel embarrassment flush your cheeks, you didn’t even mean to make it. She rocks harder into you in response and your front presses against the edge of the wooden desk. You’re definitely not imagining it.

Your head lulls back almost instinctively and you press back into her loving the warmth generating from her body and breasts.

You decide to feign confidence even though you feel so small inside. “Fucking your patient in your office is pretty unprofessional” you say lowly, your breathing ragged from the most miniscule of movements her hips are making.

You feel the tip of her nose nudge the lobe of your ear playfully. “Very” she husks into the sensitive skin behind your ear, her hands moving from your waist slowly up the sides of your torso.

Your insides are melting already as your heartbeat begins to pulse between your legs.

“I bet you say that to all your patients” you smirk, feeling delightfully hot and bothered.

“Oh totally” she says back her voice dripping with lust yet interlaced with humored sarcasm. “Wanna know what else I do to my other patients?” she breathes and her hot breath delights the back of your neck causing the tiny hairs there to erupt and stand on their ends.

You bite your lip and nod.

She moves both her hands from your side and glides over your abs with the palm of her hands and you feel your heart race and your muscles tighten beneath her touch. She reaches your breasts and suddenly palms over them, gripping them both firmly in her hands over your shirt.

“This” she hisses.

“Fuck” you gasp feeling the material of your bra shift with the pressure of her grip. “W-w-what else?” you stutter out unable to conceal the desperation in your voice.

You just want her to take control and you’d let her. You’d let her do anything to you, you want her to show you things, you want her to make you feel things you haven’t ever felt before, you want her to show you what happiness truly is.

“And this” she says as she runs her hands against your breasts and up to the top button on your shirt and undoes it with such ease.

Well fuck.

You feel the air hit your collarbone and she’s already undoing another button, and another, and another. Her fingers fumble over the button in front of your heaving chest and it pops open exposing more and more of your flesh. You find yourself gulping back moans with every pop of a button she undoes.

Pop.

Pop.

Fuck you can’t breathe.

You swear you see a button fly off your shirt entirely but you’re not taking much in at the moment other than Jeongyeon’s breathing and her touch.

Once she reaches the last button, she whips the shirt off you, tugging it down your arms hungrily and throws it somewhere behind you both, you hear it landing and crumpling on the floor. She traces her fingers down from your neck to the clip of your bra and you’re shuddering at her touch.

“God Jeongyeon” you sigh.

You feel like you’re going to combust.

You’re actually glad she’s behind you because you may die if you see her right now. She unclasps your bra with such ease and with one quick motion. She then spreads her fingers over your shoulders so the straps fall loose and the bra slips off you, dropping onto the desk in front.

You gasp and close your eyes feeling the air hit the warmth of your body. You feel sensitive everywhere. You open your eyes looking down and your breasts are heaving with every breath you take, your nipples already hardened and aroused. Jeongyeon grabs your hips and spins you around, quickly pressing you back up against the desk once you’re facing her.

Oh god.

Her cheeks are flushed pink and her eyes are dark with lust but all too quickly they drop from your own and land on your breasts, her mouth falls open and she licks her lips like she’s about to devour her first meal in a month.

Her look does nothing to settling the squeezing of your heart and the butterflies in your stomach.

You smirk a little and feel smug when she seems distracted entirely.

“You like?” you ask throatily, fighting back a smile.

“I like” she says breathlessly back.

She suddenly cups both of your breasts in her hands and you gasp at the contact. She looks at them in awe as she squeezes them a little and you feel your nipples harden even more, the blood beneath your skin burning at her touch. You swoon into her and grab her shoulder to stay steady. She drags her thumbs over both your nipples simultaneously and you fling your head back, a low deep whining noise erupting from your mouth.

“Ohh…” you hear her breathe and it ghosts over your skin and you realize she’s bowed her head and she’s about to…

“F-Fuck” you stutter out.

She’s closed her lips over your nipple and you feel your knee’s buckle, your legs actually give way but she holds you steady.

You are literally aching for her.

Her warm moist breath is engulfing your erect nipple and she’s sucking on it with vigor. You feel your sex pound and your jaw slacken at the arousal it shoots throughout your body. She pulls away with a wet pop and latches onto your other nipple and you feel like you’re going to fucking pass out.

“Oh Jeong” you moan clasping a hand through her hair as her head dips in and out sucking and licking away at your breasts. She moans from her mouth, it vibrates against your nipple and you bite down harshly on your lower lip looking away from her to the wall. The back of your knee’s and thighs are sweating and shaking with want. Jesus Christ she’s killing you already.

She let’s go with another wet pop and gasps like she’s just been doused in water and is coming up for air. Her own breathing is ragged and she looks wantonly at your breasts then to your lips.

“Take off your shoes.”

You blink at her, not really comprehending anything beyond your own nervous system collapsing right now.

“Take off your shoes” she repeats, her voice low with an edge of dominance. “Then turn back around.”

You swallow thickly.

You’d do anything she asked.

You kick off your heels without looking away from her and you’re both just starting intensely into each other’s eyes. You feel the cool air against your damp nipples and you really just want to ask her to put her mouth back over them. You turn around slowly facing the desk again; you’re not quite sure why she wants your back to her. You hum as her hand rests on the small of your back and slowly slides sensually up your spine causing your muscles to tighten. With a little more force she gently forces you forward so you’re bending over the desk and she’s still pushing you forward. Pushing and pushing.

“Oh” you gasp as your damp breasts meet the hard-wooden table, your skin sticking to the surface.

You feel her fingers hook into the waist of your skirt and she’s tugging both your pantyhose and skirt down, revealing your legs. The fact that you’re literally bent over ass in the air for her is probably turning you on more than it should. You thud your forehead against the desk and try to fucking breathe and think.

You’re in the middle of her office in nothing but your damn underwear.

“Wow” you hear her from behind.

“What?” you ask, your breath hitting the wood instantly.

“Nothing, it’s just you have a great ass” she sighs and before you can laugh, she dips her fingers under the edge of your panties and runs it down tugging at the material slightly, the back of her fingers grazing your ass as she moves lower and lower.

Goddamn it.

She grabs your cheek with her other hand and squeezes the flesh in her palm.

“God fuck…” you groan breathlessly, your ass clenching instinctively.

She digs her nails into the flesh of your ass more and drags tortuously upwards that it causes your spine to shiver and between your legs to burn. “It’s nice and soft but firm,” Jeongyeon says almost dreamily and she resumes squeezing.

You’d honestly find it funny if the situation weren’t so arousing.

You can feel your panties beginning to stick to your throbbing sex and you don’t know how much longer you can hold out. You just have a deep, profound carnal desire for her to be inside you, you don’t care how, you just need her inside you; you need her to touch you. You’ve never experienced want like this before.

You stand up and turn around to face her again, “Please, just take me” you mumble, completely lost in a haze.

She pulls you in by the waist and tilts her head to the side leaning in for a kiss. Given how needy you feel the kiss is surprisingly soft a slow, you initially sample the taste of her. The kiss starts of soft and slow, shallow breaths, both your breasts heaving and breathing as one together. She grips your lower lip in her teeth and traces the outline with her tongue. You begin kissing her back harder and you slip your tongue out into her mouth needing more. You stumble forwards as she stumbles backwards by your force. Your heart and head pounding in your throat, your ears and between your legs.

“Couch” she breathes, parting from your lips only for a second before clashing her tongue back with yours. The kissing is no longer gentle, it becomes hard and deep, you relish tasting her in your mouth and you forget to breathe. Even if you did all you’d inhale is the intoxicating smell of her flowery perfume.

Everything is happening so fast, she pushes you down on the couch in nothing but your panties and she climbs up onto it with her feet. She’s literally standing over you as she begins to take off her clothes. She whips her t-shirt off, revealing her toned torso and already erect nipples. She shimmies out of her shorts and suspenders flinging them across the room.

You smile softly against the tightness in your throat, despite your adrenaline pumping throughout your body sending your nervous system into overdrive. You’re so scared and excited and the thrill is causing your heart to pound and between your legs to throb with want.

“Oh god” you breathe.

She’s standing over you in nothing but her panties too and looking down at you with barely concealed desire. “Take them off” she says throatily.

You reach your arms up, realizing how long her legs are and your fingertips just reach the edge of her panties and you drag them down her delicious legs. She steps out of them and kicks them away across the room.

You gape up at her, staring in-between her legs. She’s hairless apart from a strip of dark brown curls perfectly up the middle. You feel something catch in your throat when she spreads her legs over you a little more and you can see how wet she is from here. Her folds and skin around are a pink color, almost raw looking and you get a warm desire to touch her there and suck on her skin. It reminds you of the color of her cheeks and ears when she’s embarrassed. You just stare at her inflamed looking, glistening core, completely taken in by it’s everything. It’s a luscious pale reddish pink that’s like the tastiest freshest looking ripe strawberry you ever saw. You want to know what she tastes like.

You lick your lips, “I want you so bad” you whisper seductively, your clammy hands gripping the back of her calves.

“I want you too” she breathes back and she’s shifting up till she’s standing over your head. Everything’s happening so fast.

“You… you were serious about the…?” you ask too shy to say it out loud.

She gives you her answer though when she kneels down, her legs either side of your head and you gulp seeing her glistening core hover over your face.

“Ready?” she asks, smiling, her chest heaving and her hair disheveled entirely.

You nod feeling oddly confident.

She sways her hips from side to side with a smirk on her face and you smell her aroma, you smell her arousal. She gently leans her weight down onto your mouth and you whimper against her wet folds. You explore tentatively at first kissing her core, licking and parting her folds, your own sex pounding at the wetness that seeps and oozes out from her entrance into your mouth. The taste is indescribable. It’s tangy at first with a sweet aftertaste and you moan against her flesh when she grips the hair on your head spurring you to go faster. You swipe your tongue up and over her folds, swirling it around her entrance and you can’t believe how much you’re enjoying this. You thought it would be gross but it isn’t, and hearing the small whimpering noises coming from Jeongyeon’s throat makes you want to lap away at her harder and faster so you do. You’ve officially fond your new favorite thing to do and you smile into her sex as she settles her weight on your face entirely.

You dip inside her and it’s wet and really warm and it’s a lot like kissing around inside her mouth. You love it.

“Oh, Nayeon yes” she hisses.

God. You love when she says your name.

You start to spell your name with your tongue because no matter which direction you seem to dip or swipe it, she seems to be enjoying it. Her thighs are squeezing harder and harder into the side of your head and soon enough her thighs have closed over your ears. You can no longer hear her sexy little moans, all you can hear is the blood rushing to your head, your heartbeat in your throat and ears and the slickness dripping from your tongue every time you lap away at her. You’re breathing hard through your mouth, it’s literally watering as you suck in her flesh, suck on her clit, you do everything you can think of because you’re so damn eager and she’s so damn wet.

You don’t know how much time as passed but you think she’s getting close because her thighs are beginning to quake at each side of your ears. She begins moving her hips, gyrating herself on your face. You moan as your eyes roll back, the tip of your nose bumping against her clit every time she rides forward. She begins grinding down onto your lips in circular motions and you feel your face seep in her wetness, you feel it smush against your lips as she drags her folds all over your mouth and against your chin. Your mouth, chin and the area all around is soaked in her juices.

She’s literally smothering you with her love and you can do nothing but lie and drink her in.

You hear her scream things but you can’t make it out because her thighs are squeezing your head hard. You don’t mind one bit.

You dip your tongue back in and you can feel her entrance quiver around your tongue, you think she’s close to orgasm so you lap away as deep and fast as you can, fluttering your tongue everywhere.

“Oh yes, right there!” she screams and this time you hear it.

You feel her insides tremble around you and a thick warmth coax your tongue as she rides out her orgasm on your face. Hearing her climax is amazing, it leaves this ache in the middle of your chest, it leaves you throbbing in all of your neediest places. It leaves you in a haze.

You feel her lift her waist up off you and you gasp for air you didn’t know you needed. You groan a little, honestly you just want her to sit back down and for you to continue doing this for hours to see what other noises you can elicit from her.

“Oh god Nayeon” she says and she’s panting, her face sweating in a gorgeous post-orgasm glow. “Your lips are amazing.”

You giggle feeling high, you feel so proud and relieved and fucking overjoyed you made her have an orgasm. It momentarily makes you forget your own need. “Was that ok?” you ask, out of breath.

“Are you kidding?” she pants back and settles between your legs, her sweating hands on your thigh. You can see her ab muscles retracting and trembling like she’s still in orgasm a little and you’ve never felt so fucking proud in all your life.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard now” she says darkly like it’s a promise.

Your heart is back to racing as she lowers her head in-between your legs.

You instinctively spread your legs for her, shamed at your own pooling arousal you’re sure is on display for her to see. Her hands find purchase at the side of your calves and she traces up the side of your legs making your hips roll into the air wantonly.

“Jeongyeon” you whine desperately.

You hear her breathe a subtle, sexy laugh. She climbs up your front and leans her face down so it’s hovering over yours. “Patience,” she murmurs deeply against your lips. The vibrations of the word starting at Jeongyeon’s lips and reverberating through your core. Fuck. When she uses that voice, it does things to your body you can’t explain.

You breathe back heavily, your own breath tangling with hers and you’re completely lost in her hooded eyes, your sex burning and pounding away for her like it’s been seared with hot toxic acid.

She climbs back down your front again leaving soft damp kisses down your neck, then your chest and then peppers them delightfully over your nipples. You squirm beneath her but she holds your arms down, gently pressing you further into the couch, as you both seem to sink deeper and deeper into the leather.

“Oh god Jeongyeon” you sigh as she swipes her tongue under your nipple, occasionally alternating between the two. She then drags her tongue down your stomach and immediately your abs clench at the sensation. She continues further and further down, her eyes locked with your own and you try muffling a moan at the sight. She’s tongues your lower abdomen till she reaches the edge of your panties and it’s then your breathing becomes short and ragged. You sit up slightly on your elbows and stare down at her, buzzing with anticipation. Her dark hooded eyes glance back up at you and you feel your knees are weaken, looking at her is counterintuitive and frankly counterproductive so you rest your head back down letting your clammy hands fall at your wayside and grip onto the leather in expectation. Jesus fuck you’re going to die.

You feel her hot breath glide over your soaking underwear and she begins to shower you with little kisses on the insides of your thighs. You feel a warm knot begin to tie itself within you and you shut your eyes tightly feeling your body tremble.

She kisses your skin and kisses again and again and you feel your heart flutter every time.

“Oh!” you blurt out suddenly.

The tip of her nose is now gliding slowly over your underwear, nudging against your throbbing clit through the sodding cotton material. You grip the leather in your hands tighter and your heart is racing.

“Ugh… Ugh…” you begin panting and try your hardest not to roll your hips up into her face.

She makes a satisfied humming sound that vibrates against your sex as she plants a kiss over your panties right on your center. A jolt of what feels like electricity zaps from your center through to your entire body.

“Oh… yes…” you pant, your breathing getting heavier and heavier.

You feel her giggle a little and she does it again and again.

“Jeongyeon” you whine impatiently, your legs feeling numb at either side of her head.

The blonde buries her nose into your clit through the cotton layer and suddenly inhales sharply through her nose and she sighs sounding satisfied, her hot breath dancing over your skin and the material of your underwear.

“Oh, Jesus fuck, you fucking tease” you groan, your voice deep and rattily from the back of your throat. Your face is flushed and burning, god she’s trying to kill you.

She hooks a finger around the material of your underwear and winds the middle part tight around her finger, you don’t realize what she’s doing till she hikes it up suddenly.

“Oooooohh”

She’s lifted up the middle part of your panties so they’re pressing tightly against your clit as your soaking folds devour the now thin strip of material in the middle. Your lips and skin are bulging at either side of the thin strap of cotton and she continues to tug it up and up, winding you tighter and tighter. You feel like you’re about to pass out.

You groan out when she lets the material go and all too quickly, she’s tugging your underwear down your legs. You instinctively raise them and kick them off once they’re at your ankles. Now you feel like closing your legs because you’re naked, exposed to her entirely but she has her palms on your thighs and is gently spreading your legs again. You decide to open your eyes and look at her but she’s too busy staring at the space between your legs, her mouth making a small ’o’ shape.

She wastes no further time and leans down running her tongue up your center, parting your wet aching folds.

“O-o-oh m-my g-o-od” you stutter out in sheer pleasure. Her tongue is so soft and wet and she’s doing it again and again running her tongue slowly from the bottom right up to your clit and you can’t fucking breathe. Goosebumps ripple from the base of your spine all the way up to your neck and you arch your back, feeling the cool air hit your hot sticky sweating skin.

She begins lapping away more quickly like you did and sucks on your clit and your heart is drumming, sending hot blood flushing throughout your body, most of it pulsating between your legs. Your legs shake a little when she dips her tongue in your entrance and twists it a certain way to the left and your eyes begin to water because it just feels so fucking good. You gasp struggling for air at the feel of her tongue twisting inside you.

You can hear yourself making strangled noises but you can hardly speak, you can hardly even feel the shame through the immense pleasure.

She extracts her tongue and sucks on your folds, her head bobbing up and down. You watch her in amazement. She’s so good at that; she seems to know exactly what feels good. She lets your sensitive flesh go with a succulent wet pop and opens her eyes staring right at you, a smirk spreading across her glimmering mouth. “You like that, huh?” she smirks and you just stutter stupidly back.

The knot within your stomach is getting tighter and tighter, you’re not going to last for much longer.

“I can’t take much more” you pant at her.

“In that case” she smiles and climbs back up to your side. She starts kissing your shoulder and you feel your own wetness from her lips stick to your skin there. One of her hands begins stroking your inner thighs between your legs.

God.

You know what’s coming.

As soon as her two digits move through your sex, seeping in the wetness there you know it’s going to be amazing and you shudder and move your arm around her back so you’re holding onto her for life. She begins stroking through your folds parting them more and you spread your legs even more for her, you already feel dizzy. You can feel the muscles in your stomach tighten with every stroke as you feel an indescribable warmth pooling deep and low within your stomach.

“GOD!” you scream out suddenly.

She slipped both her middle and forefinger into you, past the first knuckle and all the way to her second. She doesn’t move, she just rests her hand, her fingers inside you and her face is watching you from the side.

Your jaw has slackened as you feel your inner walls clench a little around her fingers. You don’t know what you were expecting but you weren’t expecting this. You knew her fingers were long and slender but for some reason you weren’t expecting her to enter you right to the hilt. You get lost in her eyes as she begins to grind into your hip from the side and slowly her fingers begin to pump into you.

Your mouth is still hanging open because no words or sounds seem to be able to describe this feeling.

Her digits move with ease inside you, so seamlessly and slickly. She cants and moves inside you with a medium tempo, fast but not quite fast enough but the knot is getting tighter and tighter and you’re still not saying anything. Your mouth is just catching flies at this point and you simply watch her face, stunned.

Her fingers move down at first moving into you, withdrawing back out and you can hear the slickness of your sex make wet pops with every little thrust she makes. She begins alternating plunging downward then twisting her fingers upwards and as soon as she curls her digits up you see stars and you groan, your eyes rolling to the back of your head. She makes things fucking worse when she withdraws her fingers with a wet pop only to delve back in again. In and out she goes, your folds soaking and consuming at her fingers desperately.

In and out.

In and out.

You’re panting and struggling, hearing your slickness smack and pop as she slides in and out of you.

She reaches deeper than you thought, twisting up more than you had anticipated, everything is just more than you expected. You thought this would feel similar to touching yourself but it isn’t, it’s nowhere near it, this is a million times better, to have someone else inside you like this. You already feel a deep burning intimacy that was never there with Jackson.

Your lower stomach stirs as you feel your body get closer and closer to the edge. You tremble when she begins circling your clit with her thumb and you have no idea how she’s making two separate rhythms with her fingers inside you and her thumb on the outside but she is. You’re impressed by her dexterity.

“So good, so… so…” you begin panting against her hair.

You feel yourself get tighter and tighter, you feel like your sex is getting more and more sensitive, engorged almost. You feel yourself fill up with something more than Jeongyeon’s fingers but you don’t know what it is. All you know is that you feel like you’re about to explode and something magical is about to happen.

Her face is just below yours and she’s kissing along your jawline and you’re in heaven. Everything is hazy and everything becomes blurry. Sweaty and blurry. You can’t think.

“I’m coming… I’m…” you struggle.

You’re going to come.

Your body snaps and freezes and then pools into a wet warmness. You buck into her uncontrollably.

She keeps at the same pace and you feel yourself throb around her fingers, a pressure deep inside you coming to its peak. You feel wetter and wetter and then you feel a deep release, your body squirming and trembling beneath her, your thighs vibrating and your walls clenching around her fingers. But you still feel wet and you still feel the waves of pleasure coming and coming and it’s not until she withdraws with a wet pop that you realize liquid is gushing from you.

She’s rubbing your clit vigorously as your pleasure gushes and spills out seemingly endless; it’s ecstasy, nirvana. You have no idea what’s even happening and you want to scream but nothing’s coming out your mouth. You’re riding a physical and mental high that you’ve never experienced before and don’t think ever will again. It paralyses your body and for a glorious moment you feel nothing but sheer unadulterated pleasure. Your insides are squirming as you come again and you feel like all your inner organs are trying to squeeze out through every pore on your body. Your body stops shaking and your thighs stop trembling when you no longer feel the gushing and you’re breathing like you just ran for your life. Your heart, thighs and lungs rattling and shaking away as Jeongyeon holds you. You feel mini aftershocks of your orgasm and you’re just speechless, panting for air that seems really close and nonexistent at the moment.

Jeongyeon’s fingers just begin tracing around your hip and then up to your ribcage as she rests down at your side, nuzzling into your neck. You feel your chest rise and fall and your breathing still hasn’t returned to normal. She comes back up and places kisses on your lips and you close your eyes, having the energy to do nothing but lazily try kiss her back. Everything smells like perfume and sweat and damp skin and sex. You try blinking quickly to come to some sort of compos mentis state.

You feel wetness trickle the back of your thighs and you close your eyes feeling your face burn shamefully. “I-I’m sorry that’s never happened before” you stutter out, your voice unrecognizable and dry.

You’ve ruined it.

She laughs softly and continues to kiss you. “It was beautiful” she says softly against your lips.

You feel your cheeks burn more, she can’t possibly think that. “I’m scared to look,” you croak out, “but I’m pretty sure I just soaked your couch.”

“Mhmm you did,” she hums back kissing your chin now, her blonde hair draped around you both creating your own little world. “Female ejaculation is totally normal and it’s the hottest thing I ever felt and saw,” she says and her eyes look down into yours dreamily. Her face so close you can see her freckles and the tiny light brown hair of her eyebrows.

You laugh nervously, knowing she isn’t lying to you.

“You’re everything I thought you’d be” she whispers against your cheek placing a chaste kiss there and your heart feels like it’s about to implode.

You’ve never made love like this before. Afterwards there’s normally sense of disappointment, most of the time you just felt it wasn’t worth the hassle, but not now, not with Jeongyeon.

You want to lie here and kiss every inch of her adorable sweaty face until she falls asleep naked in your arms.

She looks as exhausted as you feel and all you have the energy to do is smile at her. You don’t know how long it’s been but her skin is sticking to yours and you begin to feel less clammy. She pats you on the stomach and whispers, “C’mon, get up. We have to go on the rest of our date now.”

You blink at her. “Date?”

“Yes silly, ok so we kinda did things the wrong way around, we were supposed to eat out then eat each other out but I guess we can do it this way too” she smiles scrunching up her nose adorably.

You can’t fucking believe this woman.

You really just want to lie here and fall asleep but she forces you up and you cringe with embarrassment as a large pool of clear liquid has soaked into the couch, some of it dripping of the sides and splatting on the floor.

“Gross” you mumble and begin looking around for your clothes because you’re starting to feel cold.

“Nothing some tissue and spray some perfume won’t sort out” Jeongyeon giggles.

It’s a weird moment, the both of you getting dressed back into your clothes silently in Room 47, you exchange shy glances every now and then and you really have no reason to be shy around her after what you both just done. You chuckle a little when putting your shirt back on because you were right earlier; a button below your breasts has gone completely.

“You own me a shirt” you smirk at her.

She smiles at that.

Once the room is back in order, she takes your hand gently and again like it’s done the other two times (not that you’re counting) it makes you irrationally emotional. “Don’t worry, I just want to hold your hand till we exit the building” she admits quietly.

You walk along the corridor alongside her and squeeze her palm back. “Its fine.”

As you both enter the elevator and it begins moving downward, she looks to you from the side. Your legs are weak as hell and your heart is still racing.

“Are you OK?”

You snap out of your daze, a little startled by her question, “Oh, uhm, yeah. I just need a medic or something, or an ambulance” you mumble and clutch your still beating chest, “or maybe a damn heart surgeon.”

She giggles.

“I really appreciate you—” you begin but she cuts you off.

“Sitting on your face?” she finishes for you with a smirk.

You laugh, feeling your face grow warm. “I was going for to say for everything but yeah that too.”

“You’re welcome” she says and traces her thumb over the back of your hand.

You’ve officially never felt happier than in this moment.

You literally can’t stop smiling as you walk down the street your arm around Jeongyeon’s much like it was earlier this morning. Except you’ve pretty much just had the most mind-blowing sex in your entire life and if possible, you think you’ve had some sort of hormonal and emotional reaction to it, like you’re even more attracted to her than before.

“So where are we going?” you ask with a smile, wondering how much further you’ll have to walk. Your legs are kind of weak right now.

“We’re already here” she says happily and brings you both to a stop.

She has an excited grin on her face and she looks at you then up at the restaurant sign. You frown confused and then snort. The bright light of the KFC fast-food restaurant chain is lit above your heads.

“KFC?” you ask stunned and you can’t help but laugh. “But… I wanted our first date to be special.”

“It already is special Nayeon, and I don’t know about you but I’m starved and I love chicken,” she says with a sheepish grin. “Look” she states and stands upright a little more, her expression more serious, “I told you, the expensive restaurants and over the top dates just aren’t my thing, I’m just glad to be here with you, ok?”

It’s then that you feel your heart both expand and shrivel at the same time. You just smile breathlessly back at her. You swallow suddenly feeling a shitload of emotion. Pride, relief, satisfaction and your love for the woman standing in front of you growing tenfold. You knew you were falling in love with her but now you feel like you’re falling so much faster than you were before, you wonder if you’ll know the moment when you finally fall completely or has it already happened?

You nod and open the door for her like a gentlewoman should. She smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear, bowing her head as she walks in before you.

You both order chicken burgers, large fries and spicy chicken wings to share between you and when your stomach rumbles you realize you’re actually starving.

“Told ya, coming here was a good idea” Jeongyeon laughs poking you in the stomach playfully.

You snort at her and roll your eyes feeling giddy as hell. You both sit at a small table in the corner with an L-shaped leather seat and when Jeongyeon sits down first you make sure you sit right next to her at the corner where both ends of the seat meet. You’re sitting so close to her your thigh is grazing hers. You know friends don’t sit this close, well maybe some do but you know by how close you are to her that if someone were to look your way, they might think something of it. You push the thought to the back of your head though.

She looks down at where you’ve sat and giggles, “You sure you don’t want arm room?”

“Nope” you grin happily at her and drinking a large amount of Pepsi. Damn you really needed a drink.

She giggles again and your stomach flutters. “Thirsty huh?” she says and her voice is so sexy and mischievous. “Not surprised, half of your body fluid practically just came squirting out of you.”

You snort and choke at the same time.

You thump your chest and wipe under your nose convinced your soda came out of it. “Jeongyeon!” you hiss caught between amusement and embarrassment, you slap her on the thigh.

“D’aww” she coos and chews some fries, “too soon?” she pouts.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, never mention it again” you say trying to keep your composure. “So,” you say leisurely trying to change the subject quickly, “if this is a date then that means I get to know more about you right? That’s what you said. Besides I feel like I know you a lot yet there’s lots I don’t know too.”

“Ditto” she smiles back.

“So… uh…” you trail off and you’re distracted entirely when you notice she’s chewing on a breast of chicken and sucking and licking the ends of her fingers. She frowns at you like she doesn’t know why you’ve stopped talking. You feel a faint pulse in your throat and between your legs. “Uh sorry I think I’m just a little turned on again” you say and laugh a little feeling your cheeks flush, “I’m just not used to…” you trail off again because you don’t really know what you want to say. You thought sleeping with Jeongyeon would relieve some of your tension but honestly you kind of want to go home with her and fuck her again and in many different ways.

“Are my fingers distracting you Nayeon?” she says with a sassy smirk, cleaning her hands with a napkin.

“Yes, but it’s fine” you roll your eyes and take another sip trying to conceal your blush. “So, I guess what I really really want to ask you is why did you buy the Wang Ranch?”

That’s a simple enough question to begin with, right?

“Oh” she says, her own straw popping out her mouth like she wasn’t expecting that to be your first question. “Uhm, Nayeon if there’s one thing you must know about me it’s this” she says and pauses.

You gulp and nod, not knowing what’s coming.

“Family is very important to me” she says simply and smiles.

You blink at her ambiguity and wait for her to elaborate.

Her smile widens at your patience and she clears her throat, “OK see, as a counselor I’ve kind of learned things through the years, what really messes people up, and it always boils down to two main things — high school and parents. No two other things define you, make or break you, mold you like your parents or high school do.”

“Huh” you say slowly, realizing she’s probably right, you nod for her to continue.

“I wasn’t in high school a lot, I barely graduated. I’ve never really had parents either so—”

“Are you trying to explain to me how you’re so perfect and flawless unlike the rest of us?” you smirk at her, meaning every single word.

She purses her lips and shrugs bashfully. “No, I’m not perfect,” she says shaking her head, “but I want at least one of those things in my life, I want a family, people that I can call family. I bought the ranch because it reminds me of when I was on a farm as a kid, it’s a good monthly income, it’s not too far from a motocross track I use but most of all I plan on retiring there one day.”

You blink at her. A woman in her 20’s is already planning her retirement.

“When I’ve found my family, when I’ve made my family and when I feel accomplished in life, I’ll move there and live happily ever after” she says and her eyes are misty and she’s looking at you with purpose. She looks nervous and exposed, yet resilient and absolute in what she’s saying. Like she likes what she’s saying but is nervous about your response.

You gulp feeling your heart thump. “Do you think you’re close to getting that family?”

She considers you for a moment, running the straw of her drink along her lower lip and makes a popping sound looking to the side in thought. “I don’t know, maybe, things are definitely looking up” she smiles at you and you see her cheeks and the tips of her ears turn pink.

Oh fuck.

Your heart’s about to burst out of your damn chest.

“That’s a funny coincidence, things are beginning to look up for me too” you smile at her and nudge your elbow into her side.

That relaxes her and she giggles and begins to eat again looking happy. That’s all you really want to do, make her happy. You smile back and eat some of your own fries.

“So,” you say, “onto the more important things, Harry Potter or Twilight?”

She gapes at you, her eyes sparkling with amusement. “Harry Potter duh, eww so gross you even asked me that.”

You both go into a fit of giggles and your heart flutters behind your ribcage. You begin to feel like you’re actually on a date, like you need to woo her. You’ve never felt like this before, you’ve never really dated before and now you’re nervous but it’s an awesome nervous. Before you know what you’re doing, because you want to impress her so damn much you swallow your nerves, force yourself not to look around the busy room and hold a fry out in front of her.

She blinks at you then to the fry and she looks cross-eyed for a moment and it’s one of the cutest things. You try bite back a laugh at her adorably confused face and you jab the fry playfully against her lips until she gets the hint.

Her eyes lock with yours as she takes it in her mouth, little by little till she gets to the end of the fry and the tips of your fingers then she licks her lips, her tongue tickling your fingers ever so slightly. She swallows and looks at you in wonder. You feel kind of embarrassed and lame about doing something so cheesy but you had to show her you’re making progress. There’s no way that if anyone was even bothering to look your way for those few seconds that they would have thought your relationship with Jeongyeon was platonic, but for the first time, in a very public place, you just didn’t care.

You’re not really great with words or expressing your feelings so you hope feeding her a fry was indicative of how you feel about her right now, that or just a really bad moment that’s only supposed to happen in movies and cheap romance novels.

She smiles at you like she’s proud. “Pikachu or Mew?” she asks suddenly, an impish look on her face.

You stutter, “Are you freakin’ asking me about Pokemon!?” you say and throw your head back in laughter.

“Yes, now answer me, who’s cuter Pikachu or Mew?”

“Mhmm,” you hum, “definitely Pikachu, the other one is like a weird alien thing, Pikachu is cute and yellow.”

“Good choice” she says and clunks her soda cup against yours.

“So uh,” you laugh a little and feel stupid about the question that pops into your head next “Being bisexual, what’s it like?”

She stares at you with a blank face for split second before it lights up with laughter and amusement. “Uh, it’s swell” she says giggling.

“No, I mean, do you really not have any preferences? Who do you like better, men or women?”

“Nayeon,” she sighs cocking her head to the side in that way that makes you feel like you just said something dumb but she finds it endearing nonetheless. “That’s like asking Winnie The Pooh if he prefers jars of honey or pies filled with honey.”

You frown. Jeongyeon and her damn pie metaphors.

“I’m not following” you shake your head, amused by her sudden cartoon reference.

“Winne The Pooh loves honey, right?” she asks, inflecting her voice up with such innocence. “I’m also a bear that likes honey, I love honey, no matter who supplies it, it’s irrelevant to me if it’s in a pie or a jar, you see?”

That oddly makes sense and you wonder how she manages to simplify things so easily and be damn cute about it at the same time. You grin and nod.

“All honey comes from bee’s anyways” she shrugs and smiles at you wisely.

Ugh. You have no idea what she’s talking about and to be honest you don’t think you’ll ever understand her completely sometimes. The way your heart rate is increasing and the way you’re finding it difficult to swallow all of a sudden means she’s literally given you too many feelings. She’s so wonderful.

“Can you promise me something Nayeon?” she asks quietly, like she’s unsure where she’s now taking the conversation.

“Anything” you nod back in response automatically.

“Can you talk to Jackson soon?”

You stare at her, not expecting that at all.

“You were very quick to leave his place, and I thought you might be but you really need to speak to him properly about things and let him know things are over—”

“I think he gets things are over” you give a hollow laugh.

“But if he loves you, which he does, he’d try to win you back. I know that’s exactly what I’d do if you just walked away.”

You hold your breath. Oh crap.

“You need to explain to him, step by step, what’s happened with you and us over the past few months. He’ll have so many questions, you may even need to talk about your sexuality, and you need to be ready for that.”

You suddenly feel the familiar feeling of anxiety swirl in the pit your stomach, that horrible feeling you’ve had an awesome break from for a few days at least. You just shake your head slowly at her; you’re not ready for that.

“Just promise me you’ll talk to him soon, sometime this week?” she asks gently and under the table her hand rests on your knee somewhat calming you. “Think of it this way, the sooner you get this talk over and done with, there won’t be much left to say to him afterwards so you won’t have to worry about it again.”

You force a smile and nod, “OK, for you, I’ll do it.”

She bats her eyelashes and seems adulated at your response, squeezing your knee before pulling away and returning to her meal.

“Jeong, I just want you to know,” you pause and swallow your nerves. You don’t even know how to put into words how you feel right now or how to thank her. “I want you to know that this is possibly been the greatest day of my life.”

Her eyes and face light up in delight as her brown eyes roam from your lips to your eyes and into your very soul.

“And that I don’t want to ever be without you, I just can’t do that.”

The light leaves her eyes a little and you wonder if you said too much. You feel your stomach sink and the blood behind your cheeks creep up and burn with embarrassment. She’s staring at you in a way that reminds you of your counseling sessions in Room 47 and it’s making you uneasy. Her eyes narrow like she’s studying you and god you want to know what she’s thinking.

“Are you saying you’d kill yourself if I suddenly weren’t in your life?” she asks suddenly and the question completely throws you.

You stare at her wondering if this is some sort of test, you decide to go with the truth, even if it’s an uncomfortable one. “Yes, I’m not suicidal or anything it’s just I don’t know what I’d do without you. The idea of life without you is literally worse than death to me.”

She stares at you, her expression unreadable as a long silence creeps into the air. Eventually she nods slowly, eyeing you like she’s trying to figure you out.

“Sorry to be such a bummer on our date” you mumble feeling so fucking stupid.

It’s then she laughs and you look back up at her. “You’re being silly Nayeon” she says and you get the feeling she meant it more ways than one. “This has been the best date I’ve ever been on.”

“Me too” you smile back weakly.

“This is the only date you’ve been on” she giggles and the awkwardness is suddenly evaporated from the air.

“Yet I know it’s the best” you wink at her and she laughs.

When you’re both finished your meals and about to leave the place, a toddler in a highchair by the door starts wailing uncontrollably and people are looking your way. Damn kids in restaurants are literally the worst you think. You think Jeongyeon’s about to head to the door to leave with you but she stops and looks at the kid. He’s in a chair but he appears to be beside a table on his own. Suddenly she’s walking over to him and you just stand awkwardly by the door wondering what the hell she’s doing. You can tell people around are getting pissed at this kid but he’s just crying, maybe his parents are up ordering and they left him here.

Your eyes pop open when Jeongyeon’s in front of the highchair and lifts him out gently.

“Hey now, what’s this crying all about?” she coos in a tone of voice you’ve never heard from her before as she bounces the kid up and down at her wayside.

Suddenly the kid stops crying and just blinks his red tired eyes at Jeongyeon. You stare at them both and the kid has brown eyes and blonde hair, you swear they could pass as mother and son.

“Look at this twiddle hand” Jeongyeon says playfully and grabs the boy’s tiny hand in her own and shakes it lovingly. “I’m gonna eat this twiddle finger, yes I am” she says and suddenly the woman in front of you is making play gnawing sounds and pretending to eat the kid’s hand.

And the kid bursts out laughing, his little body wriggling around in her arms.

He’s actually laughing.

You stare at her in wonder, your heart swelling. How does she find everything so damn easy? She continues to awe you in the simplest ways. Everything about her fascinates you. The kid, a damn stranger has completely fallen in love with her within seconds and you’re just standing here awkwardly by the door watching them.

It’s by far the cutest thing you’ve ever witnessed.

You find yourself grinning stupidly at the kid whose eyes have lit up and continues to chuckle because Jeongyeon’s now pretend-eating his feet.

You can relate to how that damn toddler is feeling and it’s then that it hits you, like you’ve been doused in ice cold reality, an actual smack on the face, no, on the soul, awakening you from a lifetime of slumber you weren’t aware you were even in — you’ve found your one. You’ve found it. That feeling of falling completely in love you were searching for, this is it, you’re not falling in love because you realize your feet have already landed safely on the ground, you’ve fell all the way in and you know without even looking up there’s no chance in hell of you ever clawing your way back out. You feel elation and sadness and other feelings you can’t explain swirl in your stomach. Your eyes water and you blink furiously, willing yourself not to cry but not because you don’t want to, normally you hate crying and you hate other people seeing you cry but this time it’s a good cry, a happy cry. A cry of realization. Suddenly you remember a question Jeongyeon asked you on the Wang’s Ranch a while back.

“Do you believe in soul mates?”

You wonder if she’s already fell down here with you.

“Cute kid” Jeongyeon says and you blink being reeled out of your thoughts. She’s in front of you again and you didn’t even see her come back. “His mom was up getting the meals, she thanked me” the blonde in front of you grins. “C’mon let’s go, I’m getting tired.”

You just nod dumbly and silently as she takes her arm in yours again. You both leave into the chilly night air together and begin your walk home.

“Nayeon, you’re creeping me out you’ve just been staring at me since we left” Jeongyeon says at your side as you both briskly walk down the sidewalk.

You open your mouth but close it again, you think you want to tell her you love her but you don’t want to say it and you especially don’t want her to think you’re only saying it because she gave you a really great orgasm earlier.

You lay in bed that night wide awake, partly because Jeongyeon is her usually clingy self, her head on your breasts and her arm flung around your waist but partly because you have so much running through your mind. You look down at the perfect blonde lying over you and your heart swells, how did you even get this lucky to have her? You think back to your date and what you said and what you should have said, you think back to the sex and think about what you should’ve done instead. Jackson is also in the back of your mind because you know you now need to speak to him and in all honesty, you just want to run away from everyone in your life, everyone except Jeongyeon.

You shake her gently rousing her from sleep once you realize you really need to pee.

“Mhmm, erthing k?” she asks groggily, raising her head off you.

You smile at how cute she is. “Everything’s fine, just got to pee.”

“OK, hurry back” she says as you climb out of bed.

You pause at that and a fuzzy feeling sweeps inside you, you’d like to think she’d miss you when you’re gone, you even take comfort in the thought she might even need you to some degree.

When you get to the door, she adds. “Girlfriend.”

You turn around slowly in the dark, staring at her lying haphazardly in bed.

“I… I can call you that too?” you ask.

“Of course,” she giggles and yawns. “We’re dating now.”

“OK” you nod in a trance and turn around leaving the bedroom.

You walk to the bathroom in a daze. You have a girlfriend. Saying it inside your own head sounds so weird. You’ve always had a boyfriend and then a fiancée but now you have a girlfriend.

You look in the mirror situated on the medicine cabinet on the wall and stare at your pale tired face. You want to be there for her, you want her to feel the same way you feel about her. You want to get better for her. You want to sing for her, you want to be able to be happy and free. You’re so happy with her, today was the best day ever yet part of you still feels miserable, every time something good happens a negative thought enters your head telling you that you don’t deserve it and the voice is probably right.

You know you need to stop thinking like this, second-guessing yourself. You need to stop reevaluating your life all the time, you need to stop comparing your life to others, and you need to stop thinking you aren’t good enough, especially for her.

But you aren’t, are you?

You open the cabinet in front of you and take out the small plastic bottle that’s your anti-depressants. You unscrew the cap and shake a few onto your hand.

Pills, they make you deal with sadness, they practically stop bad stuff from happening. You think about talking to Jackson and maybe you can do it if you have the edge the pills give you, today was the best day of your life but not everyday will be like this but maybe you can deal with anything life throws at you if you have them. You wouldn’t have left Jackson before the pills. Pills make you a better version of yourself, the version of yourself you’ve always wanted to be, and the version of yourself Jeongyeon looks how she looks at you. The pills got you Jeongyeon. You can make her happy if you’re happy, you just need to deal with things a bit better. You just need more pills, you still feel the butterflies in your stomach when you’re with Jeongyeon so it’s not like you’re losing anything. Everything else doesn’t matter you think as you shake the capsules in your palm and hear the powder inside shake about. They feel good in your hand. What harm can take a few more than usual do?

Seriously, what harm could it do?

Maybe soon this way you won’t even need Room 47.


	17. Pinky Promise

You’ve managed to get here. You’ve made it. You don’t quite remember how exactly you got here, the details are blurry but you’re determined to get this out of the way, for her more than anything. You’re just standing outside the door, looking at it, you have the worst headache ever, your temples are aching, spreading the pain to the rest of your head, like a constant reminder of your stupidity. Stupidity for taking more pills than you should, but they got you here at least. You don’t feel any different, not really, only headaches. Everything else seems the same; you feel like you’re walking around like a zombie, derived of thought or emotion, except when you’re with her, you’re always alive when you’re with Jeongyeon. You’re not stupid though, you don’t know the risks or even how long it takes for the pills to kick in, you think it’s a few weeks but somehow you feel better taking more on days when things might get on top of you. Today for example is a ’four day’, you took four pills this morning, yesterday was also a four because it was a Monday. The rest of the days are the usual one you should be taking, but sometimes you take two, maybe three but never more than four. The headaches are the worst on four days.

You’re standing outside your apartment, well, you guess it’s now just Jackson’s apartment, you used to call this place home, hell a few weeks ago you called this place home and now you’re going to knock on the door like you’re a goddamn stranger. You’re already living somewhere else with someone else, everything’s moving too fast. You feel like you’re going in the right direction but just too damn fast, you wish your life had a pause button. You laugh bitterly at the thought; perhaps a reverse button would be more appropriate. Sometimes you feel like maybe the stop button would be the best one to press.

You knock your knuckles gently against the door, half-hoping that nobody will answer or hear. You hear footsteps and your stomach sinks. The front door to your former home opens and your former fiancée is now standing in front of you.

Your mouth falls open a little — he basically looks like shit. Jackson’s standing lifelessly in front of you, eyes swollen and tired, now long hair unwashed and hanging horribly around his depressed pale face, his once five o’clock shadow now turning into a matted looking beard on his face.

“Nayeon” he gapes, his eyes coming to life. He seems surprised to see you.

“Hi” you try smiling weakly, “Uhm, can I come in?”

“Uh—” he stutters, clearly still not quite grasping that you’re actually here in front of him, “s-sure come on in” he replies, moving out of the way and motioning through the threshold for you to enter.

You walk by him feeling awkward and you just stand in the living room, not feeling worthy to sit down in this place anymore, in his place.

“Uh, you trying a new look?” you ask and give a nervous laugh as he comes in after you. His hair is so long now it tucks behind his ears slightly, you’ve never seen him look so different.

He just shrugs and frowns at you, not looking angry but more just sad, dejected. “What’re you doing here?”

“I… I don’t know to be honest” you admit quietly.

“Your sweater looks weird,” he mumbles.

“Oh.” You feel your cheeks warm because you’re wearing the lizard sweater Jeongyeon made for you, but he doesn’t need to know that. You decide to quickly bite the bullet and quickly say what you have to. “Look, I left a few things here I think, I also feel like I left here so quickly and you must’ve had questions.”

He laughs at you, not a friendly laugh but a cutting and bitter laugh. A hollow deep laugh like he’s mocking you. “My supposed to be wife was sleeping with another woman, what more is there to ask?”

You recoil and look away feeling embarrassed, ashamed and indignant all at the same time.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” you almost whisper, “not when we were together.”

Technically.

You dig your nails so hard into your palms at your wayside because you feel so sick and discomfited talking about this.

He flicks his hair to the side and glares at you, “Well that just makes all the difference then doesn’t it?” he says, his tone short and dry.

“I’m sorry” you mumble and almost shrivel away from him. “I thought that coming here and explaining myself might make it easier for you, and for you to know that none of this was your fault.”

“Easier for me?” he repeats and gives another dry laugh. “Easier for you Nayeon, you don’t give a shit about me—”

“That’s not true” you interject.

“So, you want to talk about it? Fine, let’s talk about it” he says, his tone and stance morphing into a more confrontational one. He motions his hand at the couch. “Sit.”

You clear your throat and clutch at your handbag not sure what to do, but after hesitating you walk around slowly and slump down. Jackson sits in the chair opposite you and just looks at you expectantly.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen” you say quietly. “I just wanted to feel better, I wasn’t even going to see a damn therapist but Jihyo recommended me and I thought it would be nice just to have a person to talk to and dump all my crap on, I thought it would be therapeutic you know? I thought it would make our relationship better too. I… I didn’t plan on that person being Jeongyeon.”

Jackson’s eyes look watery and he blinks, his eyes flickering away for a moment before they’re right back glaring at you. “Are you in love with her?”

You stutter not expecting the brashness of his question, you swallow not knowing what to tell him.

“It’s an easy enough question Nayeon,” he states, like he’s getting impatient with you.

You feel your heart compress in your chest and a tear falls from your eye as you nod slowly at him. “Yes” you say shakily, “I haven’t told her but yes, I’m in love with her.”

He nods and looks down and then a long awkward silence descends on the room.

You hear the floorboards creak and the boiler in the kitchen hum away, there’s also distance noises of the city floating in through the window.

“I’m sorry,” you say again eventually. “I love you though Jackson.”

His eyes soften and he looks more confused than touched, “Why are you telling me that? To rub it in my face?”

“No” you shake your head, “I’ve always loved you it’s just… I think… I’ve come to realize that maybe there’s a difference loving someone and being in love with someone.”

“So,” Jackson says slowly, “were you ever in love with me then, huh Nayeon?”

Deep down you think you know the answer to that question but you choose a more tactful answer. “I honestly don’t know anymore” you shrug and wipe away under your eyes.

He shakes his head in disappointment and looks to the floor once more. “How did it happen?” he mumbles, looking more interested in his shoes.

“I… I’m not sure” you say honestly, “It just sorta happened over time. When I first met her, she scared me in a way I still can’t fully understand, she made me uncomfortable and nervous, yet I always wanted more, I always wanted to go back to her to feel that way over and over again. We flirted, I think, but it never technically got to a stage when we were doing anything.”

You fiddle with your fingers and look down, you know that’s not entirely true but you guess it technically is. Jackson doesn’t need to know about the motorcycle incident, or the lap dance incident, or the ‘Hell in Heaven’ under the table incident, or the changing room incident. Or any other incident.

“So, when did she kiss you? Was it good? Was she better then me?” Jackson asks and his tone is a little more demanding, like he’s desperate for an answer that you feel he already knows.

“When I went back down to Pyeongchang—”

“Hold on, that time when you wanted to go to the ranch, that wasn’t about your new counselor at all was it?” he asks and seems angry. Then he shakes his head at himself, “Shit, how stupid am I?”

You feel guilt simmer in your stomach. “I just missed her, and I was the one that kissed her first, that weekend when I went to see her. I didn’t plan on it, it just happened.”

He flips his hand away in an impatient manner, “I just don’t understand how this happened, I don’t get it… you’re not gay. You’re confused about your feelings but we can still get by this Nayeon.”

You stare at him; shocked, angry and hurt all at the same time. When you tell yourself you’re not gay it seems like a legitimate conclusion to come to, when you tell yourself you’re confused it seems rational, but all of a sudden coming from someone else, coming from him it just irks you and doesn’t seem to ring true.

You suddenly stand up. “How dare you,” you say flatly.

“Look Nayeon,” Jackson begins defensively and stands up too, he comes over so he’s in front of you and looking into your eyes with a determination you’ve never quite seen from him before. “I’m sure you love this girl and all but we were together, we’re engaged! We’ve been in love since high school, now suddenly you want to have sex with another woman? This is insane, this isn’t you.”

What is you anymore?

He’s talking like your relationship with Jeongyeon is silly, just because she’s a woman the same as you.

You try steadying your breathing which is getting more rapid with rage the more he speaks. “Jackson, I know you’re hurting right now, and as hard as it was, I don’t regret leaving you. I don’t regret doing anything with Jeongyeon. We… we’re together now… she’s my girlfriend.”

You hear the word escape your mouth and it echoes awkwardly around the room. It still sounds so weird to you. Your Girlfriend.

“You cannot be serious” Jackson says looking more frustrated as he shakes his head frantically.

“Also how dare you, just because I’m not sure what or who I am anymore doesn’t give you the right to fucking dictate and tell me who I am. Cause the truth is I haven’t felt like myself since high school, and even then, I felt like I was just trying to fit in. I’ve been unhappy for a long time, unsettled… and I feel like I’m just beginning to find out why so don’t you even try to say that this is a fucking phase or that what I feel isn’t somehow as real or as fucking valid, because it is fucking real, it’s so real Jackson, what I feel for Jeongyeon is so huge and monumental that by comparison…” you trail off your words and look at Jackson, his face has crumbled but he still has a stubborn frown creasing his brow.

“Just tell me,” he says and his voice is weak with defeat. “Make me understand, how can she, a stranger, make you happier than I make you? How can she kiss you and make love to you like I do? I don’t get it. I’ve known you longer, I’ve been there for you, how can she possibly make you happier? Why? What has she got that I haven’t? Tell me what it is!”

Jackson’s not usually one for shouting but he yelled the last part out and it frightens you a little. You’re not scared of him; just more scared of the lengths you’ve pushed him to.

You stare at Jackson as thoughts and feelings about Jeongyeon swirl around your head. Articulating how you feel about Jeongyeon and the difference between when you’re with her and when you’re with him is hard, but you understand he needs an answer so you gulp and nod slowly, buying some time to think of something to say.

“I…” you start and sigh but you’re already overwhelmed with feelings. You clear your throat and continue, “I feel like I’m more myself around her—”

“You can be with me too!” Jackson interjects desperation lacing his voice.

You hold up a hand, “Please let me finish” you say quietly and he just stares at you. “I feel like I’m more myself around her, not that I’m not myself around you it’s just I’m the closest thing to being me more so around her, if that even makes freakin’ sense,” you shrug a little. “I think about her all the time, even when she’s not around. I want to kiss her all the time, but not just out of habit or because I feel the need to” you pause and look at Jackson and he looks hurt. “And not only because I want to feel the softness of her lips or those eyes on me, all that is wonderful but because I feel like I’m giving her a piece of myself each time I do. I feel like there’s literally no other fucking way to tell her or show her how beautiful and amazing she is. She’s perfect” you whisper, afraid you’ve said too much already but the words keep spilling from your mouth. “You have no idea the control she has over me, she throws me the simplest of looks and I’m dead and already on my way to heaven, I’ve never felt like that with us Jackson. We never had that intensity, not really, but when she touches me my body goes weak and—”

“OK, I fucking get it!” Jackson snarls and takes a step back from you like you’re somehow diseased now.

“You’re the one that wanted an explanation, I’m giving you one,” you say calmly. “She makes me very happy Jackson, I didn’t think this level of happiness was possible. I’m so in love with her that I don’t even want to go to sleep at night because she’s lying there draped over me and I can’t breathe, I don’t want to sleep because she makes me feel like my life is better than a dream anyway.”

“So, you’re a lesbian?” Jackson asks with a strange normality, crossing his arms in preparation for the answer.

You flinch at the word.

“I… I don’t know. I get all panicky thinking about it, why do I have to be anything? Why do people need to label things? I… I’m working on coping with all this better but don’t ask me that because I honestly don’t know the answer.”

“You’re the love of my life Nayeon” Jackson says and his eyes are watery. You feel your heart clench horribly. “I’ve never been interested in anyone else, you know that, how am I supposed to get over this?” he blubbers out and tears start streaming down his face.

You’re instantly reminded of when he was 16 and his dog Rolo died, you hated that dog but he didn’t go to high school for a week after that, and that was only his beloved dog, what if he doesn’t get over this? You’ve destroyed his life.

“How?” he asks again slamming his palms over his eyes, his body heaving in deep sobs.

“I don’t know, I’m so sorry” you whisper, your voice shaking as your own tears threaten to fall again. He can’t stop crying and part of him is trying to stop and look away from you like he doesn’t want you to see him like this and it breaks your heart. “Come here” you say quietly and open your arms, offering him a hug.

He stops crying and just throws his arms around you; you stumble back by his force but manage to keep on your toes. He begins mumbling things into your side, asking how he’s supposed to get over you, telling you that he loves you and all you can do is stand here like an idiot and ineptly place your hands around his sides.

When did you both become so weird together?

You and Jackson didn’t hug very often, not like this, but something begins to dawn on you. As much as you feel awful about it, as much as this hug is reassuring somewhat in the sense that maybe he doesn’t completely hate you, it’s sort of nothing compared to hugging Jeongyeon. You wonder why you never noticed before or was it because you had nothing to compare it to? When Jeongyeon hugs you, your knees go weak, your heart jumps up to your throat, and you take in her eyes and the smell of a skin and perfume. It’s always so much more than just a hug. Now you’re just standing here and your hands aren’t tingling touching Jackson’s sides, you aren’t inhaling with a desperation to have more of him, you’re just standing here awkwardly hugging him as he tells you things and you’re not even listening. He smells like alcohol and you wonder if he’s been drinking this morning, you don’t want him to go down this path, ruin his own life just because you couldn’t figure out yours.

“This can’t be over” he says pulling back and suddenly his hands are cupping your cheeks.

“Jackson, don’t” you shake your head, a weak and sad feeling in your heart.

His large lips suddenly cushion your own forcefully and you close your eyes and let it happen. You’re not entirely sure why but you let him kiss you. It only lasts for the briefest of moments and your lips twitch back in response but it doesn’t take your breath away, it doesn’t leave your thoughts in a blissful mush like Jeongyeon’s does, it’s just a kiss. It literally means nothing to you and you wonder if it ever did, you’re sad that it means nothing in a way. You shake your head and pull away.

“You kissed me back, this must mean something,” he says and you feel awful because you can hear the sheer blind hope in his tone.

“Jackson, I’m sorry, I… I didn’t feel anything.”

“Then why did you kiss me back?” he demands

“I don’t know, I barely kissed you—”

“You know what? Forget it. I don’t need you, get out” he says flatly, doing a complete 180º.

“What?” you ask taken aback.

“You heard. Get out!”

You stand for at least a minute trying to work out what’s going on and even try remembering a time you’ve seen him so hostile. You can’t remember a time. He just looks so mad and hurt; you’ve probably made things worse so before you make it even worse you nod silently and take your leave.

You don’t know why you’re crying.

You leave the apartment building in a daze and try lightening the lump in your throat but it’s only half-working and by the time you’re halfway to Jeongyeon you’re no longer crying at all. A thing you’ve noticed being on the meds; the cries are few and far between and even when they do come, they don’t last long. You feel like that should be a good thing but a part of you feels it’s strange, wrong even. You feel so guilty and hurt and stupid, then you just feel confused because for a second you wanted to kiss Jackson back but you’re not sure why, it definitely wasn’t a sexual or even romantic thing, but you still felt like you owed him that much. You also have the strange sensation that’ll be one of the last times you’ll ever see him again. Jeongyeon was right in the sense that this was closure but it wasn’t satisfactory at all, he still hates you and in your naive mind you were hoping for his forgiveness, maybe even his blessing.

You no longer even have to try hard to regain your composure and instead find yourself making your way to room 47 with such relief and clarity. For the past two weeks Jeongyeon has been working overtime saying she has lots of paperwork to catch up on, and also squeezing in more appointments than usual to make up for the upcoming trip to Pyeongchang. You’ve been left to make the dinner and walk Lucy most nights and you’ve enjoyed doing both, Jeongyeon gave you some lame speech about how walking helps with depression because of endorphins or something. The truth is though, sadly, you and Jeongyeon haven’t spent much time together the last week, and you really need to see her, so you make your way to room 47, making sure to text her and let her know you’re on your way beforehand.

When you arrive it’s almost 7pm and Jeongyeon’s still working away. Chaeyoung isn’t manning the station as usual and the lights are almost all out. You smirk to yourself remembering the last time you were here when it was afterhours and dark out.

“Hey Jeong,” you say in relief as you open the door and close it behind you.

Even just seeing her is a ray of light in your day.

She’s sitting behind her desk, wearing an adorable light pink tank top under a cool sky-brown denim jacket. It matches her eyes. Her hair is up in a mini bun with some wisps of loose blonde hair hanging around her face, she has the softest looking hair you’ve ever seen. “Mhmm” she hums something incoherently back in response, not looking up to greet you. She’s shuffling through papers and looks entirely immersed in her work.

You smile as you just sit down on the sofa (a new blood-red sofa after Jeongyeon informed you she had to get a new one), your cheeks almost go just as red when you think about that sofa and what happened on it. Then you shudder because you feel embarrassed. You rub your forehead as it pounds away, paracetamol helps but you forgot to put some in your bag this morning. You shake your head and try forgetting about the annoying pain lingering away beneath.

“Hi” you say again with a barely subdued smile. “You should stop working and come over and kiss me.”

You have no idea where that came from but you’re so damn happy to see her you want her right now.

She stops what she’s doing and looks up from her desk. Her weary eyes light up and she smiles at you. You’re learning more and more about her but you’re also noticing little details too. She has many smiles but the one she’s shooting your way now is by far your favorite smile. It’s the one where her eyes glow a little and one corner of her mouth tugs up slowly, like a smirk almost — you never quite know what she’s thinking when she gives you that smile.

She sighs audibly and gets up; abandoning her paperwork sprawled messily across her desk. She walks over and quickly slumps down next to you. She slides her hand down your arm, rubbing the snuggly cotton of your sweater against your skin in a way you find enormously relaxing, and slips her hand into yours, giving it a little squeeze. She lifts her legs up and tucks them in looking at you with a gracious smile.

It’s only moments like these that you remember just how much she affects you. She’s holding your hand, for the fifth time now you think and it swells your heart and melts your thoughts just the same as it did the first time. Maybe you should stop counting.

“Hi” she giggles shyly.

“Hi,” you smile dopily back.

“I know I’ve been busy with work recently but it’s not for long, soon we’ll have two weeks in Pyeongchang mostly all to ourselves, I promise” Jeongyeon grins and you can see the genuine excitement in her voice and in the glimmer of her eyes.

“I know Jeong” you sigh and squeeze her hand back. Your palm begins to feel clammy and your heartbeat speeds up. As for your brain, well, when she touches you, your brain processing skills are reduced by at least 50%. You’ve forgotten what you wanted to talk to her about. Her eyes are so brown and she smells like a bakery store.

“Is it weird I miss you though?” she asks quietly and she has her head bowed in the cutest, coyest manner.

Fuck.

“What do you mean?” you smile at her.

“Uhm,” she hesitates and her thumb starts stroking casually up and down the side of your own like it’s as natural to her as breathing. You can hardly think. You can barely feel your headache. “It’s just I know you’re living at my place now but I still miss you. Like I leave for work in the morning, and as soon as I get here, I miss you already. Sorry if that sounds weird, I’ve never really missed anyone before as much as I find myself missing you and—”

You cut her off by leaning over quickly and pressing your lips firmly against hers.

She makes a cute squeal of surprise, her words turning into mumbled noises against your lips. You smile into the kiss and let go of her hand, running both up her sides until you cup both her cheeks in your hands. Your lips are buzzing and you feel giddy because she’s smiling softly against yours too, she parts her lips and you eagerly take the opportunity and enter her mouth with your tongue. God, she feels so amazing. You move your hand to under her chin and tilt her head up gently so you can dip deeper into her. You kiss her harder finding it hard to breathe, licking your way into her mouth, exploring every crevice. Her tongue moves like velvet under your own that causes excitement to simmer in your lower stomach.

You then find yourself climbing excitedly further up onto the couch until you’re kneeling beside her. Your head above hers, your lips hovering over her lips until you lean your forehead down onto hers gently, your tongue dipping furiously in and out and around her mouth. Suddenly things are warm and blurry and you’re kissing her harder and faster. She moans against your tongue as her fingers trace your jawline, it makes you shudder and lean further into her. Her tongue swirls around your own in a slower manner though, like you’ve thrown her off guard and you smirk against her lips feeling proud. You kiss her hard and deep grabbing the straps of her tank-top under her jacket and pulling her up into you, feeling her heat against you until all you can feel is her wet tongue sliding against your own and all you can hear is her thick swallows and the whimpers escaping the back of her throat.

She moans a different kind of sound and shakes her head against your mouth. You feel her hands move up and place themselves on your shoulders, you withdraw from her, detaching your lips with a frustrated growl and wet smack. It’s when you open your eyes to look at her your stomach plummets wonderfully and you feel your spine tingle. Her eyes are really dark and she’s chewing her wet bottom lip with a crease in her brow like she’s about to devour you. You think you’d let her.

“If we keep doing this, I’ll have to get another couch,” she exhales out lowly with a smirk.

You feel crimson dust your cheeks and rub the back of your now slightly perspiring neck awkwardly. “Oh… uhm… sorry I—”

“It’s fine, honestly. I just don’t want this room to turn into our make out area either.”

“Oh” you bow your head in shame. You feel like you’ve disappointed her even though she doesn’t sound it at all. You’ve probably decimated a sacred space for her, for both of you.

“C’mon, impromptu room 47 session” she grins and suddenly hooks her arm under your thighs and swings you around with such ease that your legs are draped over her thighs. She wraps an arm around your waist to sit you upright and her other hand is running up your shoulder blade and then cups around your neck, her oh so soft fingertips tapping the back of your neck. It’s tickly and tingly and makes your stomach feel all funny.

“Tell me honey, how did it go with Jackson?” she asks, her eyes so soft and caring.

“Oh” you splutter out yet again and holy fuck she can’t expect you to talk to her when she’s this close, a comforting warmth from her thighs spreading throughout your own legs, her face inches from your own, her fingers now playing with the fine hairs on the base of your neck. Calling you honey. You can’t speak. She smiles that smile again and her eyes drop to your lips. “Nayeon” she drawls out in a low, teasing sing-song, “If you don’t start saying words, I won’t spend the weekend between your legs like I planned.”

God fucking damn it Im, speak.

Now.

“R-r-r-ight I uh…” you start talking and you blink trying to remember what even happened at Jackson’s. It’s funny because it was making you cry and miserable earlier but now, you’re in the same room as her and things never seem as bad. “Not good” you sigh and decide to fiddle with a large bronze button on her denim jacket, as it’s easier to talk to than those eyes.

It worked for about two seconds before you’re staring back into deep brown.

“Not good?” she pouts and makes the most adorable face ever. She leans into you placing wet kisses along your jawline then pressing her lips firmly onto your cheek, “Tell me what happened,” she mumbles against your skin and your breathing hitches. You can’t fight the smile that’s on your face as she presses soft, delicate kisses against your cheek, her breath delighting your neck and the ridge of your ear. She creates a wonderfully tickly feeling that slips its way down your spine and neck, you feel all fuzzy and light as your heart thuds then stops completely every time, she kisses you. Kiss. Thud. Kiss. Thud.

Fuck.

“Jeong” you whine and bite back a laugh, “I can’t talk while you’re doing that.”

“Mhmm,” she hums in agreement against your cheek and giggles, placing one last kiss on your temple before leaning back onto the back of the sofa and looking at you with a serene, happy smile. You feel like you can tell her anything, even something like Jackson trying to kiss you.

“It uh… didn’t go so well,” you start, and play with the button on her jacket again coyly. Her hand moves slowly from the back of your neck and rests on your thigh giving it a little comforting squeeze. “OK, first of all? He looked like shit. I’ve never seen him like that before. His hair is long and gross, he looked like he hadn’t showered in days, and he’s stopped shaving. He was definitely drinking too. I’m kinda worried about him,” you admit honestly.

Jeongyeon smiles faintly and just nods for you to continue.

“He did ask about my,” you pause and you feel the familiar feeling of inexplicable shame course throughout your thoughts. You don’t know why you can’t even say the words. “Sexuality,” you say eventually and Jeongyeon just sits and listens to your every word, her calm expression unchanging. You wonder how she does that; you want to be just like her one day, you want her mindset and her composure and her purity. You want to be like her because you respect her so damn much, you also love her so damn much but you’re afraid to tell her this soon in the relationship.

“It’s like he didn’t take it seriously, or he did, he took my feelings seriously but it’s like he still thought we’d get back together, despite everything. That’s it really, I can’t actually remember everything that was said but, god, he looked like a broken man. He then started crying asking me how he was going to get over this and I just stood there not knowing what to fucking say because I have no idea. I feel so terrible” you groan and look away down to your now fidgeting hands. “He then tried to kiss me,” you mumble. “For a second, I wanted to kiss him back, our lips connected for like a second and I wanted to kiss him but not in that kinda way, I almost wanted to kiss him knowing it’d be last time. Kinda like I was saying goodbye,” you continue to tell Jeongyeon’s lap, unable to bring yourself to look at her face. “But I didn’t,” you add quickly, “I’m sorry for thinking that though.”

You hear a soft laugh; one that sounds like it’s amused interwoven with pride.

You look up and your heart crumples in your chest, like it’s cowering away from the sheer amount of affection brimming from bright brown eyes looking right at you.

“You don’t have to apologize for having thoughts silly,” she says with a short giggle, “and to be honest even if you did kiss him, I wouldn’t have been mad, I know that it wouldn’t have meant anything.”

You stare at her. Why is she so understanding? How is she real?

“Wow. You’re amazing, I don’t understand you,” you breathe in awe and frown because you really can’t grasp the concept of Jeongyeon let alone the reality of Jeongyeon.

Jeongyeon just shakes her head modestly, “What did you say when he asked about your sexuality?”

“He asked if I were… uh… you know” you mumble and make a gesture with your hand. Your throat suddenly feels tighter.

“Gay? A lesbian?” Jeongyeon jumps in for you.

You nod feeling like a coward.

“And what did you say?”

“I said I didn’t know,” you shrug, “I didn’t know what to say to him at all, I don’t think it helped to be honest. When I first went there, he said I was doing this to make myself feel better and not him, which ended up being true I guess, I think I just made him feel worse. He just kept crying and asking again and again how he was going to get over this,” you say quietly and feel guilt and sadness tinge the back of your eyes. “I didn’t know what to say.”

Jeongyeon pats your thigh gently with the palm of her hand, “You’d be a hard person to lose Nayeon,” she says quietly.

You feel your heart enlarge and the air leave your lungs as you stare into those brown eyes, Jeongyeon’s expression deadly serious. You feel a sincere beyond touched lump in your throat and you suddenly want to kiss her all over again.

“You’ll never lose me Jeong, I’m not going anywhere.”

She stares at your lips before her pupils meet your eyes and the smile that was there before now begins remerging itself on her lips. She looks happy and relieved. She’s so silly to think you could ever just leave her.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me” you say in defeat, “why is this so hard? Why am I finding this so hard? I don’t get it. I had distant parents growing up, not many real friends, Daniel’s death and Jihyo going downhill was also hard on me — but none of that I felt the need to be counseled about, and then there’s this. This whole situation and I suddenly feel like a helpless little fucking girl. Why can’t I be more like you, huh? You’re just so relaxed and cool and awesome about who you like and love and who you are, everything just comes easy to you. Why do you find it so easy and I find it so hard?”

“Why was Barney a purple dinosaur that touched kids way too often?” she asks with a straight face.

You stare at her. Her question is so far out of left field and her face is so blank that you feel laughter erupt from the pit of your stomach and then it comes bursting out your mouth. You laugh so loud and throw your head back, “Oh Jeong,” you sigh at her lovingly, “what has that got to do with anything?”

She sucks her lips in, biting back a grin. “Exactly” she says simply with small shrug.

“Explain” you say quickly, your laugher beginning to die.

“What has that got to do with anything? That was exactly my point,” she begins and has now decided to trace patterns around your knee with her pointer finger. “Why are you pondering the whys of pointless questions Nayeon? Even if you had the answers would it matter anyway? The point is, this is you and your life, and you deal with things how you deal with things, well or not. It’s my job to make your life easier and change your thought process but not change who you are. You’ll always be you, fundamentally.”

You think you understand what she’s saying but you don’t agree with one thing, “You don’t think I’ve change since meeting you?” you ask worried.

That’s the worst part, you’ve tried to change so much, be better for her. You take the pills for her. If she’s saying you haven’t changed then all of it was for nothing and you’ve gotten nowhere.

“Evolved? Yes. Changed? Not a bit” she says simply with a smile.

Your heart stops.

“But—”

“You’re perfect the way you are Nayeon,” Jeongyeon says with a bashful chew of the lips and flicker of the eyes, “sometimes we just need to change how we see things, sometimes we all just need a little help and there’s no shame in that. Besides, you said everything comes easy to me but that couldn’t be further from the truth, I still try to deal with myself, live with who I am. It may not be for the same reasons as you but we all have internal struggles and self doubt, this is yours Nayeon and you’ll get over it and you’ll be a better person because of it. I’ll be there on the days when you don’t quite feel up to it.”

You feel your throat tighten again and you just sit and stare at the marvel she is. You feel your heart pound and your ribcage close in on it. You have so many questions about her perceptiveness. You forget everything that exists all over again when she’s back to holding your hand and giving it a little squeeze, she may as well be squeezing your heart.

You know she’s your counsellor but, in all honesty, you’ve never really seen her as one, or at least as yours, she’s more like a teacher and you’re her student. She’s teaching you about her, about life but more importantly about yourself. It’s a process that started the instant you met her but you didn’t even realize it was happening till just now.

You really want to help her the way she helps you.

“Jeongyeon, what did you mean when you said you still have to deal with who you are and live with yourself?” you ask quietly.

It was the one statement that stuck out.

Her eyes glance downward and she makes a skewed shape with her lips.

“It’s just I—” Jeongyeon cuts herself off quickly and falls silent. She shakes her head at you then shrugs.

It’s then you see it — the fear of talking about something. You see the lump in her throat and the way her eyes avert away from you, you know that look because you do it yourself, that horrible feeling when your heart sinks and it feels heavy like iron in your chest, you know that look, you’re sure of it. You’ve hit a sore spot.

You have no idea what’s going on inside her head but for a second, you’re actually hurt there’s things she’s keeping from you, she must see the hurt flash before your eyes because she tilts her head sympathetically to the side.

“Look Nayeon,” she sighs sounding a little exasperated, “you don’t understand, I listen to other peoples lives and problems all the time, what confuses me about you is that for the first time I actually want to share my own, just, please don’t be mad at me if it’s not all at once or right away, ok?” she pouts and again squeezes your hand tighter in her own.

You smile faintly and nod at her but she doesn’t seem convinced.

“I know the whole dating a woman thing is new to you but you forget that the whole dating this is entirely new to me, I’ve never been in a relationship. Ever.”

“Ever?” you ask again even though she’s told you before. “What were you and uh… Sana?” you ask awkwardly.

That stupid little Japanese.

Jeongyeon’s smile broadens as she shrugs “Sana? Just sex really. Friends with benefits some people call it.”

“Do you tell her stuff?” you can’t help but ask, you feel a horrible pang of jealousy zap through you every time you hear her name leave Jeongyeon’s lips.

“Some stuff, not everything, there’s things I’ve told you that I’ve never told her. It’s not a competition or anything Nayeon, I just think I want to take this slow. You mean a lot to me and… I don’t want to ruin this by opening myself up entirely to you.”

“I open up entirely to you though.”

A voice deep within you laughs at that, you know there are things you don’t tell her because she’ll think less of you, like taking more pills than you should.

She sighs and laughs a little, her fingers now traveling over the bumps of your knuckles. “That’s true but only because it’s my job,” she says and pauses to give you a serious look, “I want you to know Nayeon that anything I ask you outside of this room is only for conversation, not for me to asses or anything. You’re not compelled to divulge anything to me outside this room, ok?”

“OK” you eventually smile at her. You do understand, you get it now; you’re important to her and the fact she’s even going out with out is proof enough of that. You still wonder why she’s even with you, she could have any man or women that wanted her yet she’s here with you, screwed up, bitter sarcastic ass, early-life crisis you.

“So, if I ask you about school outside this room I don’t want to hear about early indications of your possible homosexuality” she snorts.

Usually you’d feel offended but you laugh, a proper belly laugh out loud. “Oh yeah? What would you want to know?”

“Oh, you know, embarrassing funny memories, clubs you went to” she shrugs casually with a wicked grin on her face. “Nothing for me to go Dr. Phil on your ass for” she smirks.

You can’t stop laughing, you love her so much.

“I was in the softball team, I even still have the t-shirt I wore” you blurt out suddenly.

You both lock eyes and simultaneous laughter bounces off the walls in room 47. She bends forward unable to contain her merriment and leans her forehead down on your shoulder. Your stomach has never hurt this badly from laughing before.

She leans back, a wicked glint in her eye and a grin on her face, “Do I even need to say it?” she giggles again, her eyes bulging like the joke doesn’t even need to be made. It doesn’t.

“Hey,” you laugh and slap her arm playfully in defense, “I was also in the cheerleader team.”

She’s still laughing and wipes under eyes before smirking, quirking her eyebrow in the process. “Yeah, having girls spread their legs over you to form a pyramid of hot sweaty horny teenage girls isn’t gay either.”

You bite back a laugh. You have no comeback, which is highly unusual. In fact, you don’t think you’ve ever struggled for words as much as you have around her in your entire lifetime.

You know for a fact that even as early as a few weeks ago you would have cried if anyone, let alone Jeongyeon made a gay joke toward you, but now you’re finding the whole situation amusing. You remember when you first met Jeongyeon and you were both at the ranch, if she had so mentioned a gay joke or pun intended for you, you would have Subind her ass. Now you’re just in love with her ass. Oh, how things have changed.

You snort at your own thoughts and roll your eyes.

“Promise me something,” she says her smile fading and her demeanor more attentive.

“Anything,” you say back, the word spilling from your mouth like it was the most natural answer to her question.

Her lips twitch into a smile and she holds up her pinky finger in front of you. You stare at it then back to her face unable to contain your own smile. You hook your own pinky finger around hers, giggling shyly as it feels so soft and makes your hand feel limp.

“Promise me that we’ll take this slow and not let my job or anything else for that matter spoil what we have.”

You feel the tiny muscle in your pink finger twitch and grasp around hers tighter.

Or anything else for that matter.

It’s then you realize that you need to be more careful with your meds, you need them so you can be strong for her otherwise you’d be having panic attacks on a daily basis then she’d just leave you, but you need to space them out, be clever. Or maybe you should just be taking one a day like you’re supposed to, you’re not so sure anymore. Either way you make her a silent promise on this matter that you’ll never let her down again, she’ll never have to come and get you at a hospital, a shivering nervous wreck, ever again. You’re going to be so much better for her, and you’re not going to let stupid little plastic capsules or anyone get in the way of what you have here.

“I promise,” you say purposefully and give her pinky an extra squeeze.

“You can’t break a pinky promise Nayeon” she smiles softly, “I’ll be very cross with you if you break a pinky promise, it’s like, so much more official than an ordinary promise.”

You laugh a little and try not to flail at her cuteness.

You break away from her pinky, maneuver up from the couch and offer your hand down to her.

She gives you a curious look, smile still on her face causing happy lines at the side of her eyes. Jeongyeon takes your hand and you pull her up off the sofa.

“C’mon” you incline your head to the door, “let’s go home, I’ll make us a late dinner.”

“Oooh” she makes an impressed sound and her eyes travel down to your lips like they often do and it makes your heart feel like it’s sitting in your throat. “What’s for dessert?” she asks lowly as her arms wrap themselves around your waist pressing you flush against each other.

You swallow heavily.

“Whatever you want,” you smirk.

This whole thing is new to you on many levels but you’re still getting used to flirting with her, for the most part she’s flirted with you that’s left you in a sexually frustrated confused state of mind, but you’re slowly getting the hang of it now. At least you hope so.

“Nayeon,” she whispers as she licks her lips and her hand is slowly traveling up the side of your body, you clench your stomach muscles because it’s tingly and tickly. Jeongyeon always feels so good, you don’t understand it.

“Yeah?” you breathe back, her face inches from your own.

Her hand travels to your arm and she clasps her palm around your bicep squeezing it slightly, her thumb pressing into your muscle in small circular motions. You feel dizzy. You can’t feel any other part of your body except the arm she’s touching and a familiar dull throb between your legs.

She scrunches up her nose adorably like she’s embarrassed before saying “I’m really glad you just called my place home.”

Your brain processes what she’s saying much slower than it usually does because she’s still so close to you and touching your arm. You smile peacefully at her, your heart hammering like it’s trying to burst through your chest.

You honestly don’t know what to say, you’re afraid you’re going to blurt out that you’re madly in love with her so instead you grab her other hand and place a soft kiss on the back of it, the taste of her skin tempting your lips. You breathe all of her in before regretfully pulling away with a sigh.

“C’mon let’s go,” you say quietly, the moment feeling so perfect you both don’t really need to say any more words.

Later on, after you made you and Jeongyeon your favorite chicken salad dish, you’re both sitting on the sofa watching cartoons. Yes cartoons, it’s what Jeongyeon wants to watch and you’re not going to say no, besides she has her sleepy head resting on your shoulder, her hand on your thigh and her soft breath tickling your neck. You also have Lucy curled around your feet, sleeping peacefully away and you’re honestly beginning to feel like you’re at home. At first you missed your old place a lot but you’re beginning to feel at home in here, you think the building is irrelevant and home is more to do with the blonde leaning against you. Still, you aren’t entirely settled here, all your clothes are still in your suitcase on the floor in Jeongyeon’s room. It’s a quarter past 10 at night and you want to groan because you’re tired and will need to go to bed soon. At least tomorrow is Friday.

“Hey I know you probably find these cartoons boring,” Jeongyeon sighs with a yawn.

There wasn’t exactly a question in her statement but you respond anyway, chuckling a little, “Not boring, this one’s just a little weird.”

“It’s called Adventure Time,” she informs you, her tone slight and ever so cutely intolerant of your ignorance, “and it’s one of the smartest shows I’ve ever watched.”

You stare at the brightly colored cartoon on the TV and shrug; it just looks like the creation of some meth head.

“It’s about to finish anyways,” she says, “hey if you get bored, I can get some socks I’ve knitted and put on a sock puppet show for you?”

Once you realize she’s deadly serious you begin laughing all over again, your heart fluttering away woozily at how cute she is. She’s so silly sometimes for someone so smart and you love that about her. You love most things about her.

She raises her head from your shoulder and looks at you with an adorable frown.

“I’d love that Jeong,” you sigh, wiping under your eyes, unable to stop chuckling.

You do stop laughing though rather suddenly when Jeongyeon’s expression lights up even in the darkness of the room, a shy smile on her face. The only light source is the TV yet you can still see the blush on her face and how dilated her pupils are, she’s staring at you with a wonderment you can’t explain, you almost want to cower away.

You avert your eyes down to somewhere below her neck, “You look at me like I’m special” you mumble, your own cheeks feeling like they’re burning crimson.

Special as in the only person in the world.

“You are,” she says simply and shrugs like she knows it like she knows the sky is blue, “and one day you’re going to believe that Nayeon.”

“I—” you begin but find your mouth slowly closing again. Her words and the way she’s looking at you seems to have sucked all the air out the room and any clarity from your mind. It’s a beautiful feeling. Cloudy but beautiful.

You think you’re going to suddenly announce you love her so fucking much, you can feel the admission on the tip of your tongue. You try distracting yourself and instead ask her a question you’ve been saving. “How did you get so wise?”

“Wise?” she snorts and waves her palm away from you in a dismissive manner, “I’m not wise.”

“You are,” you say simply, “you’re twenty-four yet sometimes I think you have the mind of a 72-year-old.”

She giggles at that and the sound seems to please your ears, heart and stomach.

“Also, sometimes a freaking three-year-old,” you add and wink at her. “So, tell me, how did you get to be so wise?” you repeat the question.

She sucks in her lips and her eyes travel to the TV but you know she’s not really watching it, you know she’s pondering her answer.

“Life” she shrugs after a while.

“Will you tell me about it?”

“One day. How did you get to be so sad?” she shoots right back.

“Life” you mimic her answer with a bitter, hollow laugh.

“I think you’re the wiser one then.”

“Why is that?” you ask, tilting your head to get a better view of her face as she stares at the TV almost absentmindedly.

“Because at least you talk about it.”

You feel like with every kiss, every conversation, you’re unraveling her, unwrapping her like a present you can’t wait to receive.

You reach out your hand and stroke the side of her face, unable to contain your happiness when she closes her eyes peacefully and her face relaxes. You just love touching her, she feels so fucking amazing, you never touched Jackson just for the sake of it, but with her you need to touch her somewhere, anywhere, almost all the time. You were never a touchy-feely person or a hugger, she’s making you want to do all of that and instead of feeling like you’re changing, perhaps she’s just bringing out something that was already there. Maybe you are evolving.

Jeongyeon opens her eyes and giggles again dispersing the somewhat somber atmosphere that had been created.

“What?” you grin at her, your hand cupping under her jawline, the tips of your fingers tickling under hear earlobe. Such lovely soft skin.

“You’re tickling my funny bone,” she continues to giggle, her head jolting slightly.

“Uh, Jeong that’s not your funny bone,” you laugh.

“Hey you don’t know that, it might tell really good jokes. Besides whenever I… why are you laughing at me?” she pauses mid-sentence and stares at you.

Because you’re so cute.

Because you’re so fucking cute and hot.

Because I love you.

You open your mouth and almost say it before she’s quickly jumped onto another subject.

“Oh hey, I forgot I wanted to show you something,” she says, patting your lap and getting up from the couch departing to the kitchen, turning on the standalone lamp as she goes.

Lucy is roused from her sleep and prods along after her, the bell on her collar jingling. You smile noticing how she always follows Jeongyeon wherever she goes unless Jeongyeon tells her otherwise. If you were a dog, you’d probably do the same.

You’re glad she left because you were about to say something stupid.

“Here,” she says after a minute and comes back with a newspaper in hand. She sits down beside you and opens it up on her lap, you recognize the pages in an instant, it’s the property section, and you also see she’s gotten a red marker and circled some advertisements. “Uhm, not that I want you to leave it’s just that our conversation earlier reminded me that I did this. We’ve only known each other a few months and you living with me isn’t exactly taking things slow. I don’t want to pressure you,” she says quickly and she’s babbling somewhat. “I circled some apartments that I think would be in your price range, you know, it would be good for you to live alone I think.”

You stare at her feeling disappointed and sad, “You’re right, living alone would be good for me, I’ve never did it before,” you admit honestly.

“Yeah,” she nods slowly but her tone suggests her heart isn’t totally crazy about the idea. “I… I’d miss you so much though,” she breathes quietly and you can see her fingers playing nervously with the edge of the paper.

Your heart’s thudding so loud against your chest and what feels like your throat too, you find yourself pinching your thighs together because honestly, as adorable as her cuteness and even her sadness is, it’s also making you want to rip all her clothes off and kiss every inch of her body.

She looks at you and her expression changes, she must see how suddenly darker your eyes are, how you’re chewing your bottom lip softly, how you’re breathing is much heavier. How your eyes are roaming across her face like you’re envisioning kissing every inch of it and you are, you really, really are.

“So,” she swallows thickly, her eyes dropping to your lips, then your boobs. “Do you want to take a look?”

You smirk not saying a word for a moment and the intensity increases tenfold.

“Sure,” you eventually breathe out huskily, you have no intention of looking at the paper but you take the opportunity to scoot closer to her till your thighs connect and the edge of your waist meets hers. You tense up, your arm stiffening as your shoulders bump together.

“Uhm,” she almost whispers and doesn’t elaborate, like she’s forgotten what she was saying. “Uh… t-this place looks nice, two bedrooms, one-bathroom, small garden which is rare in the city.”

She’s fumbling over her words.

She points and taps at the space on the page with her pointer finger.

Your left hand follows and rests beside hers, you hear her take a sharp inhale as the edges of your hands touch. You move your right hand and place it on her shoulder, pretending to lean down to read the information and from the corner of your eye you see her foot twitch a little and feel her shoulder blade stiffen under your palm. She feels so lovely and soft and warm, even with clothes in the way.

“Mhmm” you make a suggestive moaning noise, “this place does seem good, not too far from here either.”

“Nayeon,” she whispers shakily and it weakens your resolve having her warm breath hit your face, her lower than usual voice saying your name.

You ignore her and move your hand sliding from her shoulder down her spine slowly before resting on the small of her back. “But the truth is Jeongyeon,” you whisper and turn to face her so your mouth is by her ear. “I don’t really want to leave here.”

She continues staring down at the paper, her hand’s still fidgeting with the now ripped edge. “Why?” she asks quietly.

“Because I wouldn’t be able to do this whenever I like.”

You tuck her wonderful golden hair behind her ears and lean into her, placing a small kiss in front of her ear, and then plump lips travel along her jawline and then onto her cheek, you kiss and kiss and kiss her till you can’t think about anything else.

She twists and cups your cheeks in her palms then kisses you firmly on the lips. You shudder, a rattling sound from the back of your throat as she’s completely taken you by surprise. You kiss her back, your wet lips sliding together, teasingly, lovingly. She then starts palming at your abs through your work shirt and her other hand starts smoothing over your pencil skirt, her perfect hands roaming over your shoulders and down your front and up your thigh desperately like there’s too much of you to handle. She disconnects your lips and looks at you darkly; you feel the hand that was on your thigh now on your chin as she drags her thumb up and onto your lips. Your heart stops and instead seems to beat between your legs.

The soft pad of her thumb drags itself tortuously over your bottom lip and she’s looking at them mesmerized. “I want these lips somewhere else,” she whispers.

You don’t need to be asked twice.

You groan and grab her wrist pulling her hands down and start kissing her again, except this time with more purpose. You play and tug at the edge of her pants roughly in a desperate haze. You try undoing her button but your palms are sweating and you groan.

“God Nayeon, fuck me,” she whines out, her head leaning back on the sofa her bare neck exposed to you. She arches up into you and you can’t think.

You know what you want to do so you force her button open and breathe heavily in relief. You slide down the sofa till you drop to the floor, your knee’s thudding against the carpet. You settle yourself between her legs and she looks down at you, her hooded eyes brimming with lust. You tug the zipper down slowly all the way down to the bottom, feeling warm under her gaze. Honestly, you can’t wait to taste her again; it’s something you’ve found yourself dreaming about. Your shaking hands grab the edge of her pants and pull them down hurriedly yet gently; she lifts her ass up so you can bring them down till they’re around her ankles.

You try steady your breathing and take things slow, you run your hands up her thighs gingerly, feeling her muscles quiver beneath your palms. You push her knees apart gradually, parting her legs and you begin placing little butterfly kisses on the inside of her thigh. She pants and makes whining noises above you and suddenly your own knees go weak when her soft hands are tangling themselves in your hair, scraping your scalp ever so slightly in desperation. You can see at the top part of your vision that her stomach is heaving, her breathlessness and desperation in the small cants of her hips is unbelievably sexy. You run your palms up the sides of her legs, marveling at how soft her skin is, and how fucking good she feels. Reaching the edges of her underwear, she lifts herself up again and you slide them down her long-toned legs.

You press your lips onto her thighs again and again, your lips getting damper and your heartbeat getting faster and faster. You reach the very top of her thighs and your eyes roll to the back of your head when you smell her arousal, the thick heady aroma clouding your senses and her fingers now running through your hair frenziedly. She pushes your head down and into her sex forcefully, encouragingly, and it makes you moan when you find your lips pressing against her swollen clit.

“Ughhhh,” a deep voice rasps above you and she’s bringing her knees up and spreading herself more, opening herself up for you. She rests her legs on your shoulders and it makes excitement pool in your lower stomach.

You feel a lot more confident with this than you did last time; you also have a lot more freedom because she’s not sitting on top of you. You decide to try not make this time so sloppy and be more precise.

You smirk against her clit and close your mouth more firmly over it, entrapping the swollen bud in your mouth and surrounding it with wet heat. You suck a little and she jerks into you madly.

“Your,” she pants, “magical,” pant, “lips” pant.

You laugh softly against her flesh, feeling and seeing her clench at the sensation. You feel yourself blush as you part her sensitive folds with your tongue, running it up her center, this time more firmly and steadily.

“Oh god I’m already so close,” she whines in a pitch you’ve never heard from her, her thighs jerking restlessly on your shoulders.

You feel your own sex burn and throb in your underwear and you groan into her now wet sex, you hover your tongue at her entrance and dip the tip in ever so slightly deciding to wiggle the wet muscle frantically up and down and from side to side creating a vibrating sensation.

There’s one thing you’ve learned fast about Jeongyeon — she’s loud.

She screams and moans raucously, her nails digging into your scalp and damn she’s so loud it makes arousal flow through your own veins and you blink trying to concentrate because you can’t think. You delve into her, licking and toying with her sensitive flesh and you’re driving her crazy and she in turn is driving you crazy, it’s hard to think in this heat, with nothing but Jeongyeon surrounding your senses. Honestly, tasting her stimulation in your mouth, her letting you pleasure the most sensitive part of her body, her trusting you so much to open herself up to you, in more ways than one, is beyond your comprehension. Going down on her gives you a pleasure that’s better than your own need, it contents and gives you a sense of satisfaction you can’t quite explain.

You delve into her deep and hard, your tongue twisting more perfectly and frantically this time, just hitting her sweet spot but not quite. You lap away at her like you have a thirst only her taste can quench. You can feel her tighten a little and get gradually wetter and wetter.

“Oh god” she breathes, her voice uneven. “Wait, wait not just yet” she says like she’s about to come and you know she is but she lifts your head just slightly. “Run those lips all over me.”

It wasn’t a request. It was an order.

Holy fucking god.

She’s telling you what to do.

You really don’t need to be told twice, you withdraw from her, her entrance now more gaping and parted and you lick your lips sliding them against her sex. Up and down. Up and down.

She’s flailing on top of you making words you can’t decipher.

You kiss her clit again and again, softly at first but firmer and firmer with each wet smack. You rotate your head in circular motions over her clit, your lips sinking and sliding all over her and she’s trembling, completely at your mercy. You have to steady her hips to stop her from squirming so much. You suddenly get the urge to enter her with something other than your tongue though, you wonder what she feels like inside, you weren’t one for masturbating in that way so in all honesty you don’t know what it’s like or what to do. You don’t want to ruin this or leave her unsatisfied with some anti-climactic lame orgasm so you decide to keep your hands on her hips, squeezing them a little, almost forcing them to keep still and open your mouth as wide as it can be, delving back into her again.

Your breath is hot and heavy against her, unable to keep your own arousal in check for much longer so you’re relieved and proud when you feel her sex tremble in your mouth, her labored breathing panting your name incoherently, her sweaty limbs draped over you and all in your hair. She bucks against your face and you swipe and suck away, dragging her pleasure out. You sample the taste of her as a new sweeter taste seeps itself over your tongue, evidence of her climax.

Eventually her breathing evens out, her hands fall limp still tangled in your hair and you feel her relax against you. You raise your head up, her wetness burst apart from your lips with a gratifying pop and you grin lazily up at her.

She looks down at you, her sweaty face relaxed, her thin lips smiling in satisfaction. Her eyes still dark but with a sparkle in them like she’s so pleased with you.

“C’mere” she says breathlessly with a grin, bringing your head up till you have to get up from the floor and kneel between her legs on the sofa. She’s pressing her lips sloppily against yours and your eyes fall shut, your heart stopping for a second like it usually does when your lips connect. Her breathing is ragged but she’s kissing you sloppily and fervently at the same time, pressing her lips firmly against yours then at the corner of your lips and then around your chin, soaking up the evidence of her own arousal on your skin.

You can’t think as she places wet kisses all over your mouth and then on your cheek, you feel the skin there burn under her lips and your own heartbeat begins to speed up. There’s a familiar tingle between your legs and on the back of your thighs.

“You are” kiss. “So good” kiss. “At that” kiss.

Her breath is now hot and heavy against your face and she kisses all the way up to your temple and your eyes are still shut unable to keep control of all your senses. She presses the most delicate kiss over your eyelid and you feel your eyelashes tremble against her soft and damp lips, the tremble seems to echo in your heart as it thuds and shivers between your thighs.

“Jeongyeon,” you whisper weakly, unable to open your eyes as you sit and drown in all the feelings and sensations, she creates within you.

Both of Jeongyeon’s hands now palm the side of your hips before they’re sliding down and then up again under your skirt. Only the thin layer of your tights separates her hands from your skin and it’s a torture. She glides around the curve of your waist and squeezes your ass gently. You can’t breathe. She slides them slowly down to the back of your thighs and it creates a wonderful trickily feeling that causes your stomach to spin. With your eyes still shut you almost faint forward into her and wrap your arms around her neck holding on.

“God,” you breathe into her ear, your breath puffing away some blonde strands of hair. It’s so hot and humid; you don’t remember it being this suffocating when you came home.

She begins sliding your tights down your legs and you feel your breathing get more and more uneven, your breasts heaving against hers.

“Is this OK?” she whispers.

A tiny whimper escapes the back of your throat and she takes that as an answer. She slides them down till they’re at your bent knees and she can’t go further.

“You’re going to have to stand up baby,” she says, her voice so soft and intimate that it tickles the air and your insides.

You also feel your own arousal flush your cheeks and pool in your underwear hearing that pet name escape her lips post-orgasm.

With your legs shaking as much as your heart you stand up and quickly slide your tights and skirt down till you kick them away to the side, you decide to keep your underwear on as you climb back onto the couch and decide to sit on her lap, spreading your legs so one’s at each side of her waist. You wrap your arms around her neck and smile peacefully at her, in an odd contradiction to what the rest of your body is doing.

You gasp as her hand slides over your thighs then under your spread legs as digits press themselves against your damp underwear. You already feel your center pounding away against the cotton, it’s maddening, so blissfully maddening.

She starts sliding two fingers against you, rubbing them perfectly up and down your underwear, over your clit and opening your folds more and more with every motion. Up and down. Down and up. The digits causing a burning in-between your legs, making you wetter and wetter till you can’t stand it, you need her to touch you.

You groan, finding your hips have slowly started rocking into her ministrations, you need a distraction as your lungs feel like they’re going to explode. You start kissing carelessly behind her ear and you feel smug when her up and down painful pattern falters for a second. As punishment her fingers stars moving faster through you and you moan loudly, you bite her ear lobe and moan her name in her ear.

You can’t take much of her teasing.

“Jeongyeon,” you cry, panting in desperation.

She giggles, the sound low and rasping.

Then she’s tugging and pulling the edge of your underwear to one side, exposing yourself to her. “You want this baby?” she purrs into your ear, her head by yours, one hand on the small of your back and the other hovering dangerously below your now exposed sex.

“Yes” you hiss, your breathing now so erratic that you get an inexplicable thrill that with every breath you take your breasts heave and push against hers, your bodies zapping together with every contact.

She runs her digits through your folds, adorning them in your wetness and you turn into a whimpering mess over her. She slowly slips one finger into you, twisting it slightly and your thighs begin to tremble over her at the sensation.

She slips another one in and you can do nothing but whisper things incoherently into her ear, you’re not even sure what you’re saying other than she feels so amazing.

Her other hand is palming your breasts roughly over your shirt and you even feel your nipples pebble beneath your bra. “You like that?” she breathes heavily, “Then again I don’t even need to ask, I can tell you love me inside you so fucking much.”

Your lungs forget to literally take in oxygen, it’s like your brain’s turned to mush it’s forgotten how to send signals to your vital organs.

Jeongyeon cursing is a rare and hot thing.

You begin rocking into her frantically, needing her more than you need to breathe. You rock harder and harder, her delving up into you and you grinding down on her in a near perfect rhythm. You feel your muscles clench tighter and tighter, that familiar tingly feeling traveling up the sides of your thighs.

“Oh god Jeong I’m going to come already.”

You feel her circle and curve up inside you, hitting that rough spot that makes your knees tremble and your thighs sweat. You feel so close yet tortuously so far as her knuckles go round and round making heavenly wet looping patterns inside you, it’s so good you’re sure your mouth is hanging open in a very unattractive way. You bow your head down onto her shoulder, just catching in your lower vision the sight of her wrist and arm pumping furiously forward and up into you. You can’t stand this anymore. Her digits and knuckles are slowly stretching your entrance wider and willing, you feel so dizzy and close you’ve given up on breathing, and rocking into her and even kissing her lazily that you’re now just a panting mess on top of her. Everything is hot and hazy.

You begin to hear how aroused you are, it sends a shiver of satisfaction down your spine knowing that you’re so wet for her your folds are sticking and seeping around her knuckles, hugging them tighter and tighter as she continues to move and curl up inside you.

She picks up her pace and you’re both moving so fast against each other now, breasts shoving into breasts, breaths clashing together and you feel your lower stomach rise and rise to that blissful moment you know is coming. You smash your lips against hers, kissing her hard, slipping your tongue into please hers, and you both moan loudly the sound echoing around your open mouths.

You don’t even make a noise when you hit the peak of your orgasm; your thighs just judder over her. You feel your sex pound and tighten around her digits and a wave of pleasure travel from your lower stomach all the way to the bottom of your feet. Your eyes roll back, not really seeing anything anyway and she swallows up your non-existence sounds with her mouth, her tongue dancing around your own and you tremble all over again as she continues to pump inside you, slowly prolonging your seas of release. Once you come down from your high, you’re pleased and relieved when, although you’re moist and sticking to her almost in a needy manner, you haven’t made a mess this time. Though your body and mind are spent you use your last bit of energy to tear away from her lips and laugh lazily.

“You didn’t ruin this couch,” Jeongyeon smirks at you, her eyes looking mesmerized and tired.

She then wiggles her fingers and you jolt forward. She’s still inside you.

“Don’t,” you laugh groggily, “too sensitive, too much, you’re amazing” you pant out, probably not making much sense and press a chaste kiss against her lips.

“You’re so beautiful Nayeon,” she whispers shyly, and kisses you delicately back.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

You’re both in such an intimate harmonious moment that you both have a delayed reaction to the loud noise now echoing around the room.

Slowly Jeongyeon frowns, “I think there’s someone at my door.”

You shiver as she withdraws from you and you still can’t think of feel your legs but you try your hardest to at least get your underwear back in shape.

You also ignore the warm feeling in the pit of your belly when Jeongyeon pulls up her pants again and sucks on the fingers that were inside you so casually, almost like she just ate a delicious pizza, as she makes her way to the door. You shouldn’t find her nonchalance sexy but you do. You blush hard and panic a little when you realize it’s too late to put on your skirt because Jeongyeon’s already coming back from the front door.

“It’s OK,” she holds a hand out to you, “It’s just Chaeyoung.”

You’re half expecting to hear a sarky comment from her, finding you half-naked in her apartment but once she emerges from behind Jeongyeon her eyes are puffy and red. He’s been crying.

“Come sit down” Jeongyeon says softly and leads her to the sofa, you step out of the way awkwardly and wonder if she should be even sitting on the spot where you just… did that.

“Tell me what happened,” Jeongyeon coos as she sits next to her and strokes her hand through Chaeyoung’s hair.

You think she’s so cute and caring but you also think they’re both really cute together and you’ve come to care about Chaeyoung in a way you can’t explain. You just have a sense of comradery with the small girl and you’re not sure why, you wonder why she’s been crying.

You clear your throat awkwardly, “Do you want some coffee, tea?”

She just shakes her head and more tears spill from her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” you ask sitting down on the lone sofa across from them.

“Mina broke up with her,” Jeongyeon informs you and that just makes Chaeyoung weep a little louder.

“It’s came out of n-n-nowhere” she snivels, “I thought we were great, we were planning to move in and then she just comes round and says this isn’t working anymore. I-I-I don’t understand.”

You listen in silence for a while as Jeongyeon does most of the consoling. At first you think Chaeyoung’s being a bit dramatic but then you contemplate the fact you don’t know her that well or what her relationship with Mina was like, you then think that you’re so damn happy with Jeongyeon how would you feel if she randomly turned around and said this was over. You find yourself asking what Jackson was asking you earlier, how would you ever get over that? You clear your throat and shake your head to get rid of the small lump now in your throat and listen to Chaeyoung talk for almost an hour. You’re only input was “that girl had way too many moles on her face anyway” to which Chaeyoung laughed for a brief moment and you’d like to think you made her feel better.

It’s past midnight by the time Chaeyoung finally stops crying and you feel really bad for her but you don’t know what to say, it’s Jeongyeon’s place to take care of her and she does, just like you expect her to. You all get ready for bed and Jeongyeon tells Chaeyoung she can sleep in beside them, which later turned out to be Chaeyoung and Lucy squashed in-between you and Jeongyeon at opposite sides of the bed. You laugh quietly as Chaeyoung has already fallen asleep and you lift your head up to see Jeongyeon’s eyes are smiling back at you from the opposite side of the bed. This is kind of weird; it’s probably the furthest away from you she’s been on this bed.

That is until she manages to stretch her arm over Chaeyoung and Lucy taking your hand in hers anyway.

You fall asleep pretty quickly with her soft palm squeezing your own and a smile on your face.

After work on Friday night Jeongyeon decided it was a good idea to go to the gym, she gives you another explanation about mental health and its beneficial link with physical exercise but you’re nervous for a whole other reason, she’s invited Jihyo, Chaeyoung and Sana to join you both. Jeongyeon says it’s a good chance for both your friends to mingle but honestly you can’t imagine an odder group of people together.

There’s something extremely sexy in seeing Jeongyeon in a simple grey tank top and sweats, her hair tied up so messily. Part of you is jealous of how she can look so hot without even trying but mostly you’re just proud and attracted to everything she is. You yourself go for a black top and purple workout sweats, you know this top push your boobs up in a flattering way so you’re hoping to at least have some fun tonight and tease a certain blonde.

“Friday night and we’re spending a few hours working out, we’re young adults, shouldn’t we be partying or something?” Jihyo laughs softly as she joins you, Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung in the entrance lobby.

She’s wearing white leggings with a pretty white flowery top and it’s so elegant and atypically Jihyo.

“Hey Hyo,” you smirk at her, “what’s up with you? Sorry I haven’t been in contact as much recently.”

“Nayeon,” she blinks at you, “we have lunch every day.”

“Yeah but apart from that,” you shrug.

“Well, I know you and… Jeongyeon” she smiles awkwardly to the other blonde “have your own thing going on.”

There’s still a little hostility in the air between Jeongyeon and Jihyo, you can feel it, not so much from Jeongyeon to Jihyo but definitely vice versa. You know Jihyo loved Jackson but she needs to accept you’re no longer with him. You also know though that Jihyo respects Jeongyeon, she’s the reason Jihyo’s still here after Daniel’s death, maybe spending time together outside of being counsellor/patient would be a great idea after all.

“Don’t worry Jihyo,” Jeongyeon laughs softly tucking some stray bits of hair behind her ear, “I’m not taking Nayeon away from you.”

“Good,” Jihyo smiles politely back.

It’s not for another ten minutes that Sana arrives, donning a dark V-neck and tight-fitting leggings; she’s sort of dressed like a little ballerina.

“Sorry girls!” she squeals as she rushes toward Chaeyoung and gives her a hug, “I like to be fashionably late as you know.”

You look away when she kisses Jeongyeon on the cheek.

Sana’s eyes then fall to Jihyo and her eyebrows rise and her head tilts to the side like she’s genuinely confused by Jihyo’s mere presence. “And who is this?” she smiles, offering her hand out to Jihyo.

“Jihyo, Park Jihyo” the brunette smiles courteously and shakes her hand firmly.

You watch for a second as Sana seems to forget where she is before she’s reverted back into her usual annoying, self-centered self. “I’m Minatozaki Sana, you’ve probably heard of me I’m a huge idol and—”

“No,” Jihyo says simply cutting her off, “I’ve never seen a show of those in my life so I wouldn’t know, sorry” she says rather bluntly and looks to the ceiling like there’s something suddenly more interesting there.

Chaeyoung gasps and Sana looks crestfallen and slightly offended, you imagine she’s never been shot down in such a quick, relentless manner before and both you and Jeongyeon share a knowing, stealthy smile. There’s a long silence and you think maybe Sana’s about to slap her. Jeongyeon begins talking to Chaeyoung about Mina again but you keep your ears tuned into Jihyo’s direction. You really want everyone to get along, you’re serious about Jeongyeon and you want her friends to be your friends.

“So,” Sana clears her throat instead and you’re surprised she isn’t yelling at Jihyo by now, “What is it you do?”

Suddenly Jeongyeon’s by your side and even though the lobby is empty apart from the five of you and the receptionist you tense a little when she, without thinking wraps her arm around your waist and leans into you. You stiffen with surprise but quickly soften into her side. You still don’t understand how she feels so good, and how she in turn makes you turn into jelly by the simplest of touches. “Nobody’s here this is good PDA practice,” she smiles against your ear and you feel warm and cared for. She’s always gently nudging you slightly in the right direction. All too quickly she’s pulled away and her and Chaeyoung are heading into the main gym area, you hang around waiting for Jihyo to finish her conversation with Sana.

“A lawyer” Sana repeats, like she’s testing the sound on her lips. “That’s incredibly noble of you!” she beams clasping her hands together.

You hold back a snort. You recognize that social awkwardness though, maybe Sana likes Jihyo? You almost feel sorry for her, she’s definitely barking up the wrong tree with Jihyo. Still you’re not going to complain if it keeps her away from Jeongyeon.

“Noble?” Jihyo repeats flatly like she’s disgusted with the idea, “the last thing America needs is another damn lawyer, like today, my client got beaten and raped by her husband but the case was dismissed, they asked her over thirty-four questions and asked him four, only goddamn four!” Jihyo exclaims, her voice trembling in rage.

Wow. Jihyo’s usually so reserved so to see her sudden outburst is a little surprising to say the least, also you know she has a tough job but she almost never speaks about it in-depth.

“I’m so sorry,” Sana says quietly and you’ve never seen her this insecure either, “would you like to talk about it?”

You laugh behind your palm.

Good luck with that.

“Yeah, that would be nice actually,” Jihyo says to your utter surprise and she smiles at you as her and Sana walk into the main area and you’re left alone out here. You blink not knowing what the hell just happened, that Japanese has her hands on Jeongyeon and now she’s trying to scoop your best friend too? You roll your eyes and follow suit. You’ll try to like her, for Jeongyeon at least.

Chaeyoung seems to be letting all her anger and rage out on the treadmill, running and running, her sneakers stomping moodily with loud thumps against the base of the machine. It’s Friday night so the place is pretty empty and you like it that way. You think this is something you’d like to do on a weekly basis. After a short run on the treadmill you find Jeongyeon on the chest press machine, you watch, your stomach growing warm and your throat growing thick when you find yourself memorized by the way her arms are bending in and out, her sweaty biceps enlarging then withdrawing as she brings both the handles together and apart again. Her face is shining with sweat, her hair sticking to her, she’s licking her lips in concentration, and her stomach hardening with each heavy breath she takes. You walk up to her till you’re right in front and find yourself smirking at her.

Her eyes open a little wider and she smirks playfully back, knowing what you’re thinking right away.

“You are so hot,” you whisper, your hand resting over your chest to check your heart is still working. You quirk your eyebrow at her and bend down pretending to tighten her shoelaces when really, you’re just looking for an excuse to touch any part of her. Your teasing works when you watch as she swallows thickly and her eyes fall to your chest. “Just fixing your laces,” you say with a wink as you walk away and look for something else to tire you out before you jump her.

It turns into a secretive, playful, sexy little game. Jeongyeon brushes by you occasionally, her hands skimming by the gap at the bottom of your tank top, her sweaty and sticky hands making contact with bare skin and you gasp all three times she does it. As you’re doing press-ups she comes over and takes your water bottle, opens it and drinks slowly from it. You watch her throat swallow and gulp and not only do you find it irrationally sexy but you also manage to find a deeper meaning that makes your heart feel like it’s glowing. She took your water, without asking persimmon, she just took your water like what’s yours is hers and you feel silly about reading more into such a simple gesture but it makes you feel really good. Her eyes meet yours every few minutes or so, at first it’s shy and secret giggles but it turns darker and erotic almost when she begins to eye you in a way that makes you feel like you’re standing naked in the middle of the room, like she’s slowly taking off every piece of clothing you have on. You look down to remind yourself you have clothes on but you’ve never felt more naked in your life.

The game continues on and it’s mostly a game of hips skimming, arms innocently grazing, Jeongyeon “fixing” the tag on your top as she takes the opportunity to run her hands down your back that makes your eyes flutter shut before she’s off again doing something else and you both continue the night sharing secret smirks and stolen glances, both using every opportunity to scuff elbows and bump hips. Everything else just seems like background noise when Jeongyeon’s around you.

Eventually you find yourself at the rowing machines with Jihyo, you’re glad to know she spent five minutes talking to Jeongyeon and that’s five minutes more than you expected. She spent forty talking to Sana, you ask her about it but she just says it was nice talking to a stranger, which, you can’t really argue with that.

You’re really enjoying tonight though, it may have to be the excitement Jeongyeon’s causing you to feel but also how safe you feel here with people that know about you and Jeongyeon and won’t judge or talk to you about it. There is no pressure here, within this group of people and you really like it.

You also really like working out.

You kind of hate to admit it but you’re even enjoying the humid perspiring air of the gym. Your hands are sweaty as hell as you pull back and forth on the rowing machine, you feel the muscles in your arms and shoulders begin to pang and loosen.

“Keep—” pull. “Up—” pull. “Park” you breathe out and smirk to the woman on your right going along with you at a much more leisurely pace.

She pulls one last time, slides to the front of her rowing machine and stops, shooting you an impatient frown. “It’s not a competition Nayeon, we’re not actually rowing,” she says dryly.

“C’mon, use your imagination” you grin at her, still pulling back and forth.

Jihyo cocks an eyebrow at you, “Are you feeling OK? You’ve been very hyper and…” she trails and gives you a pointed look.

“And?”

Her lips skew and change shape as if pondering her next word, “Happy I guess.”

Your grin widens. That’s because you are happy.

“Everything is OK with you two then?” Jihyo asks, sounding curious.

“Yeah,” you sigh but failing to sound convincing. “It’s just, I feel we’re not a relationship of equals, and maybe that’s ok right now but in the long run she’ll find someone else, someone more stable and dependable than me.”

“That’s nonsense Nayeon,” Jihyo scoffs, “I see the way she looks at you, she’s crazy about you.”

Maybe that’s the problem, maybe there needs to be a little less crazy in her life.

You feel a clammy hand clasp itself gently on your shoulder and instantly your knees go weak and you’ve forgotten all about rowing and you stop to catch your breath. Jeongyeon comes sauntering around to your side, her fingers running down your arm, skin sticking to skin.

You smile shyly up at her and your grip on the handle seems to tighten. Her brown eyes are sparkling, as is the sweat on her forehead and down her toned biceps. The veins on her wrists and on the back of her hands are popping up and you find it insanely attractive. She runs the back of her hand over her brow and breathes out like she just ran a marathon. You swallow thickly; you’re still waiting for a day when your complete attraction to her is gone or at least dulled. So far it hasn’t happened.

“You tell her” Jihyo barks at Jeongyeon, “she’s going too fast, she’s going to pull a muscle.”

“She’s right” Jeongyeon nods and smiles down at you, “you achieve nothing by going all for it, you’re supposed to pace yourself so you can work out for the longest amount of time.”

“I’m fine,” you shrug smugly, making sure you flex your muscles and lean forward just that bit more so that the top of your breasts is directly below Jeongyeon’s line of sight.

You watch in amusement as brown flickers down for the briefest of moments before her hand is back on your shoulder.

She leans down and almost whispers in your ear “You’re going to burn yourself out going like a bunny rabbit” she breathes and you can hear the smile in her voice as her breath tickles the side of your neck. “It’s best to go slow and hard” her voice drops lower before she’s pulled back up and saunters away from you both toward the treadmills.

You watch her leave in a stunned silence letting your vice grip on the machines handle loosen, you look over to Jihyo sheepishly who’s already giving you a stern knowing look.

“Is it normal?” you ask weakly.

“Is what normal?” she smirks looking amused.

You look from her and back to Jeongyeon who’s still walking away, your eyes drop to her ass and you’re disappointed that she’s not wearing something tighter.

“To want to fuck someone all the time?”

“Nayeon,” Jihyo rolls her eyes and chortles at you, “you got laid last night, didn’t you?”

“Yup” you bite your lips unable to contain your smugness and grin at her.

“Well I must admit,” she says slowly like she doesn’t want to be proven wrong about something, “it’s nice to see you like this, I can’t remember the last time I saw you so… not tense.”

You smile beyond touched and nod, “Thanks Jihyo, that means a lot.”

“But,”

You roll your eyes; you knew there was a but coming.

“There’s something about her I think you should know.”

You stop rowing again and sit unmoving on the machine seat; staring at Jihyo thinking you must’ve misheard her. Her tone is low and conspiratorial like she knows something you don’t and you begin to feel dread trickle down your spine horribly.

Jihyo looks away, guilt written all over her face, “Well,” she begins slowly and fiddles with the strap of her bra, “you know that time you asked me to look into Jeongyeon?”

“For which I regretted and for which you gave me a whole fucking speech about how it was wrong and an invasion of her privacy” you snap, already feeling angry. “Oh god Jihyo you found out something didn’t you? She doesn’t really want to be with me, does she? This was all a joke, right?”

You suddenly feel your world is falling apart.

“No, no no Nayeon no” she says quickly, reaching over to pat you on the arm reassuringly. “But I did find out she had a criminal record.”

You stare at her, the world around you slowing down, the words churning around in your head but not really having any meaning. “That’s bullshit” you snort and continue to shake your head, Jeongyeon wouldn’t do anything wrong. She’s got to be mistaken.

“It’s true, but it’s not as bad as you think, she got all her records expunged which means it was never serious crimes. My curiosity got the better of me and I dug a little deeper and found out it was drug possession and theft that was later expunged from her records when she was twenty-one after a one-year legal process. I don’t know how she managed that since those are serious crimes, it must’ve been circumstantial for them to get erased from her record.”

You know Jihyo wouldn’t just make up something like this so you sit and stare into space. You begin to feel panicky because you love Jeongyeon so much but do you even know who she is? Part of you is telling yourself of course you do and another part isn’t so sure. You can’t believe this is happening.

“You should talk to her about it,” Jihyo suggests.

You’re already standing up, sweating, your head suddenly hurting again looking around frantically for blonde hair. You can’t see her anywhere. You jog over to Sana and Chaeyoung by the treadmills.

“Where’s Jeongyeon?” you bark at them, not caring what they think of you.

“Toilet,” Sana replies pointing down to a nearby corridor.

You storm down bypassing some people in a hurry and barge into the ladies restroom. You’re relieved to find Jeongyeon alone in here and she’s drying her hands under the machine. There’s one emotion you never thought you’d feel for her again and that’s mad, but you are, you’re mad at her for not telling you.

“You,” you say simply, grabbing the strap of her tank top and dragging her into the nearest cubicle. You slam her up against the wall and lock the door behind you.

She has a smirk on her face.

You roll your eyes and shake your head, already even more annoyed at her, “I’m not in here to do the dirty with you.”

“Oh,” she breathes looking disappointed.

You try ignoring what’s happening between your legs and instead focus on what’s happening between your ears.

“Jihyo told me about you… your past…”

“My p-past?” she stutters out and her face suddenly looks paler as she shuffles on her feet awkwardly. The space in here is too small you’re almost pressed up against her. You have to admit; you and Jeongyeon sure do have a penchant for small awkward places.

“Yeah, why didn’t you tell me!? Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course, I trust you,” Jeongyeon snivels out and suddenly her eyes are glossy and she’s pouting, not her usual cute pout, more like she’s physically trying to stop crying.

“Then you could have just told me you have a criminal record,” you hiss carefully even though you haven’t heard anyone else come into the toilets.

“Oh,” Jeongyeon breathes her tone sounding different.

Is that relief you see?

“Oh, you’re talking about that,” she mutters, sniffing and suddenly doesn’t look as close to tears she did a second ago. She’s acting like there’s something else you could have been talking about and it just makes you all the more discouraged and confused.

“What else would I be talking about?” you ask folding your arms.

You’re not so much as mad at her anymore; more just cross, disappointed even.

Jeongyeon sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose like she’s struggling to think clearly. Eventually her eyes meet yours and she leans over closing the toilet lid down and pats the surface of it.

“Sit” she says.

You sit down slowly on the toilet not knowing what’s happening but worried, cross and intrigued all the same.

She kneels down before you and rests her arms on your thighs. Her brown eyes look up and meet yours and you see determination but also a sadness there. She still looks so pretty, despite sweat on her brow and under the florescent bright lights of the restroom.

“Remember what I told you yesterday? About taking things slow and not wanting to mess this up?”

You nod and swallow back nerves you’re suddenly feeling. What if she breaks up with you for prying? What if she never trusts you again?

“It was Jihyo that told me,” you say quickly, “I didn’t mean to pry honest—”

“Nayeon, it’s OK, really” Jeongyeon sighs and chews her lip in thought. “You know I had a rough time after my parents died and that I was sent to an orphanage?”

You nod again and now you feel terrible because last time she spoke about this and her parents she cried a lot. You don’t like it when she cries. “You don’t have to explain anything to me Jeongyeon, I think I get it.”

“But I want to explain,” she says quickly, “at least about my record I do.”

You exhale shakily and rest your hands over her arms gripping her a little tighter than you should but it makes her lips twitch at the sides.

“My record was basically stupid things I did when I was sixteen, I sold some pot to the other kids in my orphanage for cash, I was saving up for the future, which is kinda ironic now considering I got all the money I needed two years later” she laughs a little at her own tale, clears her throat and continues, “anyway,” she shakes her head and begins picking at the logo on your sweats. “But I spiraled out of control for various reasons, that orphanage was horrible, I always imagined orphanages to be like they are in the movies with lots of friends and the people who run it to be just like the parents you never had or no longer have” she pauses and laughs bitterly. “The people that ran it were two men and one woman, all three of them were vile. The place was unhygienic and a mess, I kept my money in a sock under my bed and that’s all the possessions I had, that and the clothes I wore.”

You suddenly take her hand just to let her know you’re listening and that you’re not going to judge her for anything she did under seemingly horrible circumstances. She smiles slowly at your gesture and squeezes your hand back.

“Couples wanting to adopt would come and go but they’d never pick me, eventually I got used to the heartbreak and disappointment.”

You literally don’t understand. “Why on earth wouldn’t anyone want to take you in?” you ask dumbfounded at the very idea.

She holds back a smile at that and shrugs, “I never spoke.”

“You never spoke?” you repeat, frowning.

“Nope, never” Jeongyeon says simply. “I was far too nervous to speak to anyone, adults in general kind of scared me.”

You stare at her. It’s hard to imagine, Jeongyeon not speaking, when all she does now is speak so easily and confidently.

“I wanted them to take me, I honestly did but cat always got my tongue. The mother would usually look me up and down, comment on how pretty I was, the father was always the silent one. It’s weird to have people inspect you like you’re a piece of property they’re about to purchase. They’d begin to ask me questions like how many friends did I have and what my favorite color was and then I’d just sit and stare at them. Once they realized I wasn’t going to say anything they’d whisper to themselves, something about moving onto the next one.”

You find your heart breaking. You suddenly feel like a monster for thinking you had terrible teen years when you were spoiled by your mom and dad even though you got the feeling they hated you, but you were also popular in school and got straight A’s.

“After a while I started getting really bored, I used to sneak into the local library and read every book I could find, the stories in books were better than my own life, they allowed me to escape for a while. A couple of the guys and girls that had been around longer than me at the orphanage started to get into that rebellious teenager stage and so I joined them. I still didn’t speak much to them outside of a few words here and there. They called me silent blonde killer.”

You snort rolling your eyes, “Kids say dumb things.”

She laughs quietly at that, “We only had our designated meals in the orphanage though, I had never really eaten anything that I really enjoyed, I saw other families in the park with candy and ice-cream and I never knew what any of that tasted like.”

You stare open mouthed at her shocked, what is this the 1920’s?

“So, one time a group of us, pretending we had a gun, went into a local store owned by a large Chinese lady that always scared me. She told us to scram; she knew we didn’t have a gun. We were so hungry and sad so a few days later I went back myself, I had stolen a water gun from a new kid that just came into the orphanage and spray-painted it black. I went back to the store, filled up two bags of candy and pointed it at her and told her to give me all the money she had in the register. I’ll never forget the look of fear on her face” Jeongyeon whimpers the last part and tears begin to roll down her cheeks.

“Hey, it’s OK” you comfort her, holding her hand while stroking her arm with the other one.

“E-e-eventually,” Jeongyeon continues, struggling more with the story now, “I gave all the candy to my friends but I didn’t tell them about the money, I added that to the money I had in my sock under my bed. I was so sick with guilt and paranoia the police would come I couldn’t eat any of that stuff. I spent the remaining months looking over my shoulder and counting down the days till I was out of there.”

She pauses and looks back up at you, wiping under her nose and eyes. “You know the rest, sort of. They gave me money to rent an apartment for a while, so before I went there, I ran back to that shop and dumped the sock on the counter before running back out. I was so stupid,” she laughs, a tear escaping her eye. “They had installed a CCTV camera after the first time I robbed them, and it’s just so typical that they caught me when I was bringing the money back.”

You laugh and shake your head, “That’s unbelievable bad luck,” you nudge her playfully, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah,” she sighs with a broken smile. “I had to do community service, after that I didn’t want that fear inside me ever again. When I was twenty-one, I used some of the money my parents left me and threw myself into education. Multiple things attracted me to gender and sexuality and psychology degrees but mostly I figured I needed to start talking again, and what better way to start talking than doing it for a living? I later looked out legal advice to see if I could get my records expunged, I had to prove my character and contribution to society, which I guess my job already counted as that. I’m ashamed more than anything, that’s why I wanted it expunged, so nobody would have to find out about that stupid part of my life, which clearly worked,” she added resentfully.

You figure she’s told you all she can, or at least all she wants to for now.

“OK,” you nod relieved, no longer feeling angry toward her, and if anything, feeling slightly ashamed you were. You asking things of her would be like the equivalent of her asking everything of you in your first room 47 meeting, that’s pressure nobody needs and you’re ashamed you just expected her to divulge everything about her when you haven’t done the same.

“There’s just a few things I need to know before we go home,” you smile calmly at her.

She blinks at you looking puzzled, her head shaking from left to right ever so slightly. “Y-you’re not mad at me?” she asks, indisputably confused by your reaction.

You lean down and press your lips against her forehead, sweeping away some hair before rejoining your hand in hers. “I could never be mad at you Jeong” you say and kiss the back of her hand gently.

That makes her sob once more, you can see the relief lift from her shoulders and she tries to steady her breathing and stop her tears. “What is it you want to know?” she asks clearing her throat in some vein attempt to make her tone sound normal.

“There’s a gap” you state.

“A gap?” she asks confused, her light brown brow creasing.

“A gap,” you repeat, “you started your studies when you were twenty-one but you left the orphanage when you were eighteen, what were you doing in those two years?”

“Oh,” she sighs like she was hoping you’d overlook that detail. “I wandered,” she says simply with a shrug of the shoulder as she sniffs her last tear away.

“You wandered?”

“Yes,” she says simply again, not elaborating.

“What do you mean?” you urge her to elaborate anyway.

“I went backpacking across South Korea and Jeju, doing crumby jobs here and there, I didn’t want to spend my parent’s money at that time, it was still safely in my bank account so I just up and left, hitchhiking. Eventually I got to Pyeongchang and saw the most beautiful farm, it reminded me so much of the one I grew up in and I told myself there and then I would buy that place one day,” she smiles fondly and you smile back at her.

It sends a shudder down your spine that you could haven potentially met Jeongyeon years ago as a late teen.

“Still, I wandered,” she continues, “never staying in one place for too long, occasionally ended up in a stranger’s bed, occasionally doing low-pay jobs. I was looking for a purpose I guess” she shrugs.

“Did you ever find it?” you ask eagerly, engrossed in everything she’s saying.

“Eventually… I think…”

“What was it?” you question

“To help people,” she says simply.

You frown at her, you know about her helpful nature; sometimes she’s too helpful it’s almost unnatural.

“Why?” you ask. You want to know why she wants to help people so much yet seems to neglect herself.

“I’ve got a debt to repay,” she says in all her enigmatic charm.

“But you gave that lady her money back—”

“Not that debt—” she interjects and fiddles with the loose part on the knee of your sweats, “another one, not a financial one.”

“It’s not something you want to talk about is it?” you ask, already knowing and sensing she’s bringing her walls back up.

She shakes her head looking guilty.

“And you’re still holding out on me, aren’t you?”

She nods again.

“Why?”

“You’d be a hard person to lose,” she quietly reiterates her words from yesterday.

You understand completely now.

Whatever it is she’s keeping from you she thinks you’ll leave her because of it. Nothing could ever make you leave her. She has to know that. You feel your shoulders slump, any small amount of anger left disperses and instead you just feel sorry for the woman in front of you, she’s never looked so small to you and it has nothing to do with the fact she’s kneeling.

You begin to stand up, bringing her up gently by the hands with you. She’s looking at you with trepidation, like she expects you’re going to keep asking why or get mad at her for not telling you everything, but instead you say, “I’m so glad I found you.”

Because what if you missed her again like you did years ago at the ranch, what if you never went to room 47? What if she never bought that place?

She stares at you, looking pleased yet confused by your statement.

“I’m so glad you were looking,” she smiles back eventually, the sadness almost gone completely from her eyes.

You both eventually say your goodbyes to the others; Jihyo asks you if everything is ok and you tell her everything is fine and that you and Jeongyeon have talked. Jihyo doesn’t look so sure then scolds you for cornering her in a toilet, which on hindsight wasn’t the best place to have such a conversation. She asks for details but you shake your head, you respect Jeongyeon too much to repeat what she told you, even to Jihyo.

By the time you get home it’s 9pm and Jeongyeon, still in her gym gear takes Lucy out for her last walk, her eyes looking tired. Once she’s gone you run through to the bedroom, you had planned on snuggling on the sofa and watching movies before you have to start packing tomorrow for the trip to Pyeongchang but instead you can only think of one thing you want to do tonight.

You feel like a kid on Christmas morning as you quickly take off your clothes and throw them in the corner; you struggle with your sports bra but eventually get it off and slip off your underwear. You then realize you still smell of sweat so you spray deodorant frantically all over yourself then jump into bed, bringing the covers right up to your neck.

Five minutes later and you hear Jeongyeon and Lucy come back.

“Nayeon?” Jeongyeon calls out your name from the living room.

“Through here,” you shout back through to her, unable to keep the excitement embedded in your voice.

Once she appears at the threshold her eyes narrow at you and a smirk spreads itself deliciously across her face, “What are you up to?” she asks, eyeing you suspiciously.

“Nothing,” you grin, your grip on the covers tightening.

“Early night huh?” she asks as she saunters into the room and begins taking off her own clothes. “Yeah I feel the same, you kinda talked me all out back there.”

You groan, you didn’t mean to reopen old wounds for her yet again.

“Sorry, it’s just Jihyo, she’s very protective of me” you laugh a little.

“I know the feeling,” she smiles at you as her tank top comes whipping off around her head and her naked torso reveals itself to you. Your heart flutters because of what she said but then stops completely because of what you now see. The contours of her perfect abs are still shining from sweat and her perky breasts are just inviting to be bit into and sucked and…

You swallow thickly unable to keep your intent secret from her any longer, not that it is a secret to her because she’s smirking at your eyes like she already knows.

“Mhmm,” she makes a sexy noise and takes off her sweats till all she’s wearing is her underwear. She bends over near the dresser and begins to rummage through your suitcase of clothes, you wonder what she’s doing but honestly, you’re just distracted so much at the sight of her swaying ass in the air that you don’t really care about much else, “Ah, found it,” she says triumphantly.

She turns around holding your old softball team t-shirt in front of her and you’re so embarrassed; you place a palm on your head and blush.

“Aww,” she coos, “I think it’s cute.”

You look back up at her to argue that point but your mouth falls open when she’s already put it on. It’s so small on her it leaves a gap at the bottom of her stomach. She begins twirling, swaying her ass from side to side like she’s putting on a show for you. You don’t know what it is exactly that makes the image so sexy, you don’t know if it’s the slither of skin that reveals her stomach because the shirt is so small, you don’t know if it’s how tight it is you can see her hardened nipples through the white material, you don’t know if it’s because it has your name ’Nayeon’ at the top and ’Im’ near the bottom on the back or simply the mere fact she’s wearing something of yours. Again, she didn’t even ask and you’re nowhere near mad, you’re overwhelmed that she’s comfortable enough to do such things.

She crawls slowly onto the bed and settles next to you, you try fighting a grin at your own inside joke because she still has no idea you’re naked under here.

“You look incredible in that, most things actually,” you breathe out, unable to keep the lust from your voice.

She licks her lips, looks down and plays with the hem of the shirt. She’s so adorable. “I was thinking, we really need to clear out space for you in my drawers, can’t have your clothes in that suitcase forever.”

You almost want to cry at how happy her suggestion makes you, you beam at her, probably looking like a maniac but you don’t care. She’s letting you in.

She flings a leg over your waist and suddenly she’s perched on top of you and you groan. Only the comforter is separating you from her but you feel an incredible warmth and heat generating from her thighs, you also ignore the pounding between your legs as the weight of her own just settled onto yours. Oh god. You bite your lip so hard you draw blood but you need to not rock up into her. She so wonderfully warm and heavy on top of you.

“Geez, someone’s sensitive,” Jeongyeon giggles and to your torture begins rubbing her palms up and down the comforter, above where your bare stomach is. “You ok?” she asks her ministrations slowing ever so slightly.

You blink and your breathing gets heavier and heavier because she doesn’t know her hands are gliding and skimming the underside of your boobs and almost as low as between your legs.

You swallow thickly, “More than ok.”

She smiles back, her eyes twinkling from the moonlight coming in through the window. You’re so in love with her.

But to blurt it out now is unworthy of her.

You gasp loudly when she palms your boobs over the covers and she raises an eyebrow like you shouldn’t be this easily turned on, and then you secretly judge her because she’s never had to endure her own company.

“It’s all that teasing you did at the gym,” you breathe out as steadily as possible as her hands roam up and down the cover, your skin burning under the covers.

She pulls a face of mock-offense “You started it.”

“Yeah, and also maybe the fact that I’m naked under here,” you blurt out.

“Naked?” Jeongyeon breathes out and suddenly her eyes drop to your chest then further down to between your legs, “Oh,” she exhales slowly like she’s just realized exactly where she’s sitting.

Her hooded eyes meet yours and she chews her lips almost looking uncertain. “Should I join you?”

“No,” you say simply with a smirk. “Keep that shirt on, everything else can go.”

You almost laugh because apart from the shirt she’s only got her underwear on, but still, that’s exactly what you want to go.

She crawls up so she’s leaning over you, her eyes travelling down your neck till she places her hand slowly over the edge of the comforter and pulls it down gradually. Your chest heaves as the air hits your torso and you feel her eyes all over your body. She maneuvers out the way and you almost miss the pressure of her weight on top of you.

She kneels up on the bed; her eyes fixated on your own as she drags her underwear down her legs then leans to the side so she can kick them away once they’re at her calves.

She suddenly whips the covers back and you’re lying naked completely with nothing to shield you from her shameless gaze.

“Please,” you whisper, “make love to me.”

She smiles serenely at you, her eyes shining so sunny as she somehow gracefully climbs on top of you. Her feet are over yours, her limbs settle onto yours, you gasp when her sex rests gently over your own, only the top part of your clits are gently bumping but it causes your eyes to flutter and your blood to boil hot beneath her. Her abs and breasts push against yours and now you’re beginning to regret telling her to keep that shirt on. Finally, her head is hovering just above yours and she’s looking down at you, blinking slowly like your touch makes her feel lost yet equally as at home.

She leans down, her face suspended over yours, eyes smiling, noses nudging shyly. “Hi,” she giggles.

“Hey” you choke out, your heart in your throat.

You chew your lip harder.

I love you.

You can’t allow yourself to say it, not now, not yet.

She leans down and kisses you soothingly; it’s the tenderest kiss you’ve ever received and you tentatively move your lips against hers. It’s slow and blurry as you both breathe lightly against one another, her weight settling on top of you fully and you continue kissing like it’s your first time kissing for what feels like a long time.

Eventually her hands slide into your hair, her nose nudging playfully against yours as she deepens her kisses. She pushes her tongue gently past your parted lips and she’s inside you, stroking gently, lazily almost. You whimper and will your own tongue to respond. Your hands glide their way down her back and rest at her hips, she feels so good you begin to rub her up and down, shifting the t-shirt she has on upwards with every stroke.

Her tongue stretches and rolls itself around your own and you can’t breathe or think. Jeongyeon is panting into your mouth as you try tracing the contours of hers with your tongue. You can feel her heartbeat thudding inside her chest, thumping against your own and you feel all over the place. You feel high and drunk because you can’t see anything, all you’re focusing on is the tongue fluttering inside your mouth, the pounding between your legs and the thumping of her wonderful heart against your own. You’re drunk on her.

You start touching her more frantically, tracing her hips with your fingers, rubbing her back encouragingly and she moans into your mouth with every change of direction. You ball the shirt she has on in frustration, you’ve never wanted someone to kiss you literally all over your body but you want her to and you want to do the same to her. She tangles and tugs your hair gently in response and you can’t get enough of her.

You begin to roll your bodies into one another and it becomes two heated bodies desperately clamoring for some sort of clarity, like there’s so much you want to do to each other but none of you know where to start.

You feel numb under her tongue, she makes you feel so strong, strong enough to endure anything and everything but the sheer weight of her love, for her love makes you weak in the knees and in the heart. You’re the smallest person under her weight but you still feel like the most important.

She disconnects your lips and you feel yourself coming back to reality.

“I want to try something,” she whispers almost shyly against your cheek as she places a kiss there too.

“Anything,” you smile, blushing.

You don’t even need to think about it, Jeongyeon can do or say anything she wants around you, or to you.

She giggles softly, the sound low and flirty.

You groan in disappointment once her body leaves yours and she’s sitting in-between your legs (which you spread a little to accommodate her). You feel excitement pool in your lower stomach when her hooded eyes meet yours as she smirks a little. She runs her hands down your legs and cups them so they’re under your ankles, “Bend your knees,” she asks quietly.

Feeling your heart thrum in-between your legs and throughout the rest of your body you bring your knee’s up till you’re literally spread open for her and her eyes are just staring intently between them. She kneels and scoots forward, pressing against your knees so you’re bringing them up even further.

“I want to feel you,” she breathes out huskily.

You blink profusely because you’re beginning to sweat from panting so much.

She scoots close in-between your legs till she can’t get closer then lifts her leg over the top of yours, straddling the inside of your thigh her core coming into direct contact with your own.

“Holy fuck,” you exclaim and throw a palm over your eyes.

She nestles herself into you, bending your other leg up and repositioning herself that every little move she makes a zap sends itself form her core to yours and it feels incredible. You’ve never felt anything like this before, you weren’t expecting it to feel this good. The first thing you notice is how wet she is, and how her wetness is sinking and melding into your own. You take your palm away and stare up at her.

A playful smirk is on her face but her eyes are full of love and adoration, for the few moments they’re open at least, you watch as they flutter shut and her gasp as she rocks slowly into you.

In that moment your hot wet centers collide and you feel your stomach begin to do summer saults. She rocks her hips forward, slowly at first, your folds parting and sinking into one another creating the most delicious hot heat. You feel your sex throb gently against hers and hers yours; the throb gets harder the more she cants her hips into you.

You feel like someone’s shot you in the head because you’re literally derived of all thought, your body is just thrumming in pleasure as she tortures you slowly with her sex, sliding up and down against yours, the pressure in your stomach getting tighter and tighter. You feel yourself incredibly wet and willing for her, you feel like you’re going to come already and everything’s going to come gushing out of you. She watches you, her gyrating getting slightly fast and you arch and writhe under her and you don’t know how to do anything but repeatedly tell her not to stop.

Your hips begin rocking up into hers of your own accord.

“Ooooh,” you hear her moan, her voice high pitched and soon enough she’s grinding down on you and you’re canting up into her. You see her face sweat and a frustrated frown on her brow, like she’s trying so hard to get to the finish but doesn’t quite want to because it feels so good.

And it does feel so good.

So, fucking good.

The rhythms are sloppy at first but soon enough you figure out a rhythm that bangs your sensitive clits together at just the right time and you see stars every time. You feel like all her body heat is emanating from and hotly flushing through her own sex and into yours, then spreading through the rest of your body as you thrust up and up, winding you both tighter and tighter.

“More,” she groans out and suddenly she’s pressing down on you so hard you don’t know where she ends and you begin. She leans forward for leverage and grabs the headboard behind you. Suddenly she’s rocking so fast into you that she begins rocking the bed and the headboard begins to bang and thud against the back wall.

You splutter out something that gets caught in your throat, deciding you can’t speak you thrust up harder and faster into her, her own movements encouraging you onwards.

You’re both so close you can feel it, you can hear it from between your thighs, the most satisfying wet smacking sounds you’ve ever heard come from both your cores sliding and delving against one another. You can’t stop moving against her, your hips are beginning to ache and you’re out of breath but you can’t stop. You think if the room went on fire, and it’s so hot it might just, you still wouldn’t be able to stop.

The banging of the headboard continues, as does the banging of your heart like a loud hollow drum, or maybe it’s just the rocking of the bed, you’re in nirvana too much to notice or care.

You begin to soak in details, like the sexy protruding hipbone that’s snaking, gyrating back and forth with her hips, grinding down on your hard. It’s the most erotic and sensual image you’ve ever witnessed, Jeongyeon moving her hips, back and forth like some frantic dance on top of you. Her right hand suddenly grabs your abs and you gasp. She then moves it quickly like that wasn’t what she meant to do and instead grabs your hand sitting at your wayside. She intertwines your fingers in hers and she’s grabbing and squeezing your hand like a vice grip as she continues to move back and forth on you. The sensation it’s causing your stomach is sheer bliss, it’s like when you were a kid and you swung really high on a swing then came down, that’s how much she’s affecting your insides.

You’ve never been this turned on in your entire life, every time your clits rub against each other it’s like an electric shock shoots throughout your veins and jolts your stomach to life. It wasn’t even hard for Jeongyeon to move so seamlessly on top of you, you’re both so stimulated that your own wetness lubricates both your gyrating movements. The idea, the mere feel of your juices mixing with hers and it’s not long till you’re shuddering under her, a quivering mess.

“Come with me,” she breathes out hoarsely.

You moan loudly.

You already are.

She shudders forward, her left-hand clinging desperately to the bedcovers, scrunching it up in her hand tightly, her right grasping your own hand so forcefully you feel the blood drain from it. You watch mesmerized as she trembles on top of you as you continue to rock up into her and she’s almost frozen on top of you, her mouth gaping open. You’ve never seen a more perfect sight. Her head is shuddering as a deep rasping moan escapes her lips and you feel her sex quiver and tremble over your own. The feeling causes your eyes to roll all the way to the back of your head and you arch your back up and shudder against her, feeling yourself climax. Only strangled noises escape the back of your throat as you roll and roll your hips, desperate and needy for more. Everything is hazy as you tighten and tighten, trying so hard to keep this wonderful elated feeling in your lower stomach to last, you rock into her sex, the wettest it’s ever been and you feel yourself pulsate and a satisfying burning sensation spread throughout your body. You stumble over the edge forgetting everything you know.

The banging stops as she stills her movements and after a few minutes of both your bodies just shaking she stills on top of you, breathing fast and hard.

“Oh. My. God” she pants, a sweaty glow around her face as a smile spread across it.

You can’t even speak.

“I… I can’t feel my vagina” you blurt out.

You both burst out laughing but then abruptly stop when you still feel your centers move against each other.

“Oh.”

“Oh.”

You both make the same noise at the same time and giggle more carefully at each other, you’re both so sensitive you almost don’t want her to move or you’ll come all over again. She gently gets up like she’s afraid of touching you now and you feel your wet melded folds separate and unstick from one another. Your heart is still racing.

She climbs lazily over you, like she’s about to just fall limp on top of you and fall into slumber. She nestles her head at your side, nuzzling into your neck and gives a content, satisfied sigh that travels down your neck to your bare breasts.

“Is it weird falling asleep next to another woman?” she asks.

You chortle at her cuteness and her randomness, now she wants to talk when you’re still trying to remember how to breathe.

You shake your head because that’s pretty much all you can do.

“I supposed it must be after being with Jackson all this time” she ponders aloud.

“I thought it would be,” you say, your voice dry and croaky, “but it isn’t.”

“Hey I was thinking,” she says cautiously, “when we go to Pyeongchang maybe it’s a good idea to practice being… out?”

You’re too exhausted to even feel the surge of nerves that idea usually brings with it.

“You know, since you don’t know anyone down there and will likely never see them again, maybe I could introduce you as my girlfriend?”

“I’d like that, I’ll try really hard,” you promise her.

“OK” she says and you can hear the smile in her voice, “Goodnight gorgeous” she says softly, placing a tiny little moist kiss on your pulse point and quickly falls asleep breathing peacefully into your neck.

You can’t sleep so fast because your heart and head is still all over the place. As she breathes quietly into the hollow of your neck you realize she creates a sense of security, almost the warm glow of protection you’d receive from a mother figure, one you never quite experienced from your own.

I love you.

You say it out loud in your head as you reach down and take her pinky finger in yours.

Despite the fact she’s fast asleep her finger twitches back in response.

She’s no longer the blank canvas you once met but she’s slowly forming and letting you see her piece by piece and it really is the most beautiful piece of art you’ve ever seen.

You understand and feel there’s no more need for words. You’re going to have to be patient with her the way she is with you, there’s things she doesn’t want to tell you just like there’s things you don’t want to tell her, but you hope you both grow even closer and be able to tell each other those secrets everyone keeps in their hearts. What you do know is this — you love her, and one day you’re going to tell her just how much.

But for now, you have to deal with people looking at you, both of you and knowing what you are.

For a holiday you thought would be one pill days are now turning into four pill days.

You’d take all the pills in the world for her though.

You love her that much.


	18. Moon Byul-yi

“We need to ask Jackson.”

“Maybe it would be better if you asked him, I’m not sure how he’d react seeing me again.”

You grunt in frustration. You know she’s right. It’s 6:30am on Saturday morning; you’re leaving for Pyeongchang early so you can get there in time and settle in. You’re so excited and stoked, no work for a whole two weeks and Jeongyeon for company. It’s honestly like all your Christmases came at once. You’ve both packed almost everything you need and flung your suitcases over the sofa. Lucy decides it’s a nice-looking place to lie and sprawls herself over them, she’s got her whole sad droopy dog eyes thing going on.

“She thinks we’re leaving without her,” Jeongyeon whispers into your ear.

You smile at the fact Jeongyeon felt the need to whisper that to you like she was trying to conceal the fact from the dog but also the tingly sensation it sends down your arm.

It’s cold here in Seoul but Jeongyeon reliably informed you it’s going to be at least ninety degrees down south so she’s dressed accordingly, so fucking accordingly that you’ve found it hard to think all morning. She’s got a black cat woman tee on with brown denim shorts that just beg for you to ogle her long legs and well-toned thighs. She’s thrown on some black converses and has aviators resting on her head to complete the look. You kind of hate how effortlessly she threw herself together so early in the morning. She took a quick shower, applied some light foundation and stuck her hair up in a mini bun. She was ready in less than twenty minutes. She honestly just doesn’t care what she looks like and as a result she just ends up looking hot as hell. You hate her. You also love her.

The morning hasn’t run as smoothly as Jeongyeon’s dress routine however, the car she was supposed to rent got stolen and they won’t let her rent another one before 11am when they open again for business. She threw all the hypothetical money at them over the phone but to no avail. Another detail you store about Jeongyeon in your memory bank just for things about her — she’s assertive as hell over the phone, especially if she doesn’t get her own way. If you were on the receiving end of that call you would have personally drove whatever car she wanted over here free of charge and made her breakfast. Possibly do other things for her too.

Regardless neither of you want to leave that late in the morning, so now you’re both stuck without a car to get there, yours won’t do because there’s nowhere to put Jeongyeon’s bike or Lucy.

“Why exactly do you need your bike again? Aren’t motocross bikes different from regular bikes?”

“Yeah,” she sighs, her shoulders slumping in disappointment as she leans against the living room wall looking entirely bothered by your current situation, “they provide the racing bikes down there, for a fee, but I wanted to bring mine because I promised I’d teach you how to ride” she says with a pout.

Your lips twitch and cheeks burn a little. Jeongyeon riding things just destroys all comprehensible thoughts you have, when she rides her bike… you…

She could ride a damn bull and you’d still find it sexy.

You cough into your hand awkwardly trying to clear your thoughts, “Well that last time you tried to teach me I ended up having an orgasm.”

She sucks in her lips, a complacent smirk tugging up on the corner of them. “I promise that won’t happen again.”

“Me having an orgasm?” you tease her.

She rolls her eyes playfully, “You know what I mean, I want you to try new things, riding Nayeon is one of them.”

You blink at her. You remember her saying she wanted to call her bike Nayeon, but that was way back when you first met and you thought she was just mocking you. “You’re not actually going to call it Nayeon, are you?” you ask with a stupid laugh because she cannot be serious.

“She’s already called Nayeon, christened her and everything,” she says with the largest grin and smuggest shrug of a shoulder.

“Huh? When did you chri—”

You stop yourself and realize exactly when this “christening” took place. You must pull a face because she’s giggling at you and it still does funny things to your stomach every time you hear the sound.

Another thing you note about Jeongyeon — she simply loves toying with you.

“Alright, alright,” you groan, playfulness around your smile. “I need to get ready, what should I wear?”

She purses her lips and blows making a bored sound, but you know she isn’t bored, you can see the excitement in her eyes, like she’s visualizing you in various outfits. “Something skimpy,” she says eventually with a smirk, “as little as I’m wearing, trust me it’s hot down there and the car, if we can get one, will get stuffy.”

Being stuck in a hot stuffy car with her for hours sounds like heaven but then you remember Lucy’s coming along and suddenly it doesn’t seem like a scene from an erotic novel.

“No fancy clothes while we’re there either, we’ll be spending two weeks in the mud.”

You frown confused, “I thought this place was a five-star resort.”

“Oh, it is, but the events take place out on the field where the tracks are. It’s awesome there’s stands of food, outdoor concerts, fishing, mud slides, museums, tent camping, canoeing, wranglers camp — sure the scenery and log cabins are nice but that’s not where the action is.”

You find yourself smiling, you have to reluctantly admit it sounds like fun but as infectious as her excitement is, you’re also now dreading it.

“Hold up,” you raise your hand and quirk an eyebrow at her, “Im Nayeon does not do gross things like fishing and mud.”

“Yeah?” Jeongyeon says like a challenge as she pushes herself off the wall and comes walking till she’s in front of you. “Im Nayeon will have to deal with it” she says a smirk on her face and an amused shine in her eyes.

“It all sounds so… country” you say, cringing at your own words.

You don’t mean to sound offensive it’s just that you’ve never been outdoorsy and with your experience of the country most people are in one way or another outdoorsy, you’re also wary of the people there for several reasons and maybe a brand-new reason now you’re with Jeongyeon.

“Well it is Lee Sunmi‘s Ranch,” she explains.

The name sounds familiar but you shake your head not understanding.

“The Lee Sunmi, she’s a country star?” Jeongyeon says, her eyes wide in disbelief. Her brown eyes narrow yet look amused at your ignorance.

It’s not your thing at all.

“She’s not all bad you’ll get to meet all my country friends, y’all will have a great time” she says in a drawn out, exaggerating a country accent.

You stare at her. The woman in front of you is putting on an accent and you burst out laughing, your heart swelling delightfully behind your chest. She’s so cute. You can’t deal with her.

She wraps her arms around your waist and sways you both on the spot a little, you falter at how naturally she’s come to touch you after so long of restraining herself.

“It’s just,” you begin, trying and failing to quell a giddy laugh and you hesitate, “my only experience of Pyeongchang is at the ranch, we always went to the small town ten minutes away and people used to look at me sometimes, do double takes, one guy even asked Jackson what he was doing with me and if it was an arranged marriage” you say rolling your eyes, “I’m from the fucking capital not an alien,” you snort, “then you want us to… you know…” you trail off and look into her eyes.

She can probably see the worry in your own. She wants you to be out; out of the closet you’re pretending so hard you’re not even in.

“You’re being so close-minded Nayeon, trust me, this place is huge, there’s so many people and fans from all walks of life there, this isn’t some place that’s stuck back in the fifties.”

“Have you ever taken someone there?” you ask, and by took someone you mean another woman.

“Well no—”

“People will stare at us, I know it and I feel sick thinking about it,” you blurt out and feel your throat tighten.

“But you don’t know it Nayeon, you just think you do” she says sounding slightly exasperated letting go of your hips and crossing her arms in front of her. “OK, so what if people see us walking next to one another, what if I even hold your hand, what do you think is going to happen?” she asks and this suddenly feels like you’re in Room 47.

“I—” you start but falter. You honestly don’t know what would happen. “I don’t know.”

“If you saw two women or men holding hands would you stop your daily life and just stare? Would you ask them questions?” she urges and you begin to feel both uncomfortable and like you’re finally reaching a conversation that should have happened a long time ago.

“N-no.”

“Why not?”

“Well,” you say slowly trying to think of an honest answer, “I wouldn’t want to seem rude.”

“Exactly, it’s unrealistic to assume the best in everyone but it’s equally if not more unrealistic to assume the worst, you can’t assume the worst-case scenario is going to happen at every turn. If people see us holding hands, they’re going to think nothing of it, they might just assume we’re super best buddies anyway, but the point is Nayeon, it’s going to enter their mind for the two seconds they see us and then they’re going to get on with the rest of their lives. Nobody is going to talk about us hours later, days later, years later. Nobody is whispering behind your back, pointing and staring at you. You’re not a freak Nayeon and you’re definitely not alone, you think we’re going to be the only same sex couple there? Anywhere? Do you think when you walk to work every morning that you’ve not bypassed someone who’s just like you, maybe once even had the same fears? Of course not, your self-confidence and depression and something else is making you feel like you’re alone in this world but you’re not, you’re really not and most of all I’m here Nayeon. I’m here. I want to be your girlfriend, I am your girlfriend and that sometimes might mean holding your hand outside or kissing you in the rain. You’re getting worried and stressed over hypothetical problems, imaginary problems, problems that aren’t there. You worry so much about what other people, strangers mostly, think about you and that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. You should only care about what you think of you… and me… definitely me and what I think about you because I think the world of you Nayeon.”

The back of your eyes is stinging with tears, you think one’s already escaped making its way down your cheek. You have a lump in your throat and you’re honestly a split second away from turning into a blubbering mess. Goddamn it, you hate that she gets at you so easily, you hate how well she knows you and you hate that you don’t really hate it at all.

She just called you out on all of your greatest fears, every single one of them, every one you’ve ever had since you were a teenager, since you can remember. The feeling of being alone, the fear of people looking at you, talking about you behind your back. How you’ve become consumed by your own insecurities. Getting worked up over problems that aren’t real, aren’t even there, only existent in your head. She also thinks the world of you and simply wants to hold your hand because she’s so fucking proud to be with you and your heart beats the hardest it ever has because you’re so in love with her and you feel like a monster for not being able to give her that. A wave of what feels like determination and maybe sheer stubbornness washes over you.

“You’re completely right, about everything, everything you just said,” you say wiping away your tears and nodding your head firmly. “I’ll hold your hand Jeong, I’ll cheer you on, I’ve let this… social paranoia… affect me for too long.”

You don’t know if social paranoia is even a thing but it’s the closest way to describe what you feel. If you take your pills and take a giant leap of faith everything should work out fine on this trip, and maybe she’s right, maybe people won’t be looking at you or even think you’re a couple anyway. You’re beginning to question why you even care so much.

Jeongyeon tilts her head and gives you a sorrowful look. She steps forward again, wraps her arms back around your waist and pulls you into a hug. “I didn’t mean to be a meanie and lay all that out on you”, she laughs softly into the nape of your neck and you shudder a little as she breathes you in hard. “I’m sorry if you’re not ready then I’ll wait.”

She places soft tickly kisses on your neck and shoulder and you begin to feel like your heart is getting lighter.

You wrap your arms around her neck and give a wry laugh back, sniffing back the remaining tears you can’t let show. “You were right, I just, I think I needed to hear all that, you’ve made me feel silly but feel better because of it so thank you. Thank you so much,” you say sincerely and lean your head into hers feeling the usual warmth and comfort generate from her body.

“I’ll always be here for you, I hope you know that” Jeongyeon breathes back quietly and you close your eyes suddenly feeling relieved.

“I’ll always be there for you too Jeong,” you promise. “And I’m more than ready.”

You pull away from her reluctantly and feel better already, you scarcely cried at all and that’s an improvement you think. You’re also beginning to realize you should stop thinking and worrying about things all the time, maybe you should just let your life happen, just like you let her happen to you. Jeongyeon happening to you is the best thing that’s ever happened to you so why not take the same approach with everything else? Things just make sense when you take her advice, things just click in your brain and everything works. She’s the best counselor and girlfriend anyone could ask for.

“OK so I’m going to go find something skimpy to wear,” you smirk and poke her arm playfully.

You feel a tickle on the back of your neck as you walk away into the bedroom, you feel her gaze on you and you so want to make her proud. You so want to hold her hand and tell her that you love her. You so want to be her girlfriend, maybe the one you never truly were to Jackson.

After a shower you decide to don your black denim shorts, high-heeled boots and dark-red flannel shirt. You’ve made sure to leave the first few buttons open so the top of your cleavage is visible. It’s funny, you laugh nostalgically at memories of yourself in high school, you used to dress to impress the boys but you were never ever interested in them, you were always just with Jackson. You felt safe with him. Nobody else ever interested you, boy or girl. At least you think, looking back maybe you were attracted to girls and didn’t even realize it. You shake your head; those are thoughts for a different day, and long in the past too.

You go into the bathroom to fetch your toothbrush and anti-depressants. You hold the bottle in your hand and shake it a little. It’s decidedly emptier than it should be and you chew your lip in worry. These two weeks were supposed to be one-pill days but ever since Jeongyeon said she wanted you to be out with her you felt like they would turn into four-pill days. You definitely don’t have enough left in your prescription for every day to be a four-pill day. Oddly, you find yourself smiling, after what Jeongyeon just said you think maybe one-day pills will do just fine.

You’re running out though and someone’s going to notice when you go to get more, your doctor or worse, Jeongyeon.

“Hey Jeong,” you call out walking back into the living room, trying to remain as casual as possible. “What happens when I run out, like, do I ask for more of these?” you ask and rattle the bottle at her.

“Yeah, just go ask the doctor for another prescription, you don’t need another appointment usually, just talk to the receptionist and she’ll ok it with your doctor,” she informs you then sighs, “half the time they don’t care though, it’s become a culture nowadays to hand out anti-depressants like they’re candy” she says with an annoyed look on her face.

You make an awkward noise that was supposed to be a laugh and you feel suddenly relieved and guilty at the same time. You’ll deal with it when you get back from Pyeongchang, right now you have enough for just the one a day you should be taking and you hope it’s enough. She’s made you believe it’s enough.

She’s about to say something else when her eyes drop to your outfit like she’s just seen you enter the room and she stares, chewing the side of her lip slightly.

“So,” you say with a smirk, “we have to borrow Jackson’s pick-up truck?” you ask knowing she isn’t listening at all.

She swallows thickly looking at your chest area then dark brown eyes fall slowly down your legs all the way to your feet, she’s nodding slowly but you don’t think she even heard you. You’d be so grossed out and offended if it were anyone else, but you just find her leering cute as hell.

“So, we just need to murder Jackson then?” you ask, chuckling in amusement.

Her eyes have found their way back up to your chest and she nods slowly again, “Uh yeah, that will be fine,” she mumbles.

“Jeongyeon,” you say in a faux-stern manner, crossing your arms across your chest.

“Yeah!” she says a little too loudly and she’s out of her trance and her eyes are back looking into your own, suddenly not seeming as shadowy. “Jackson… yeah…” she says nodding.

You groan a little, “I feel like a major asshole, first I ruin his life and now I’m just going to go round there again like hey let me steal your favorite vehicle too with my new girlfriend, you know, the woman I left you for” you say and shake your head with disgust. “Isn’t there some other way?”

She bounces on her feet a little while shaking her head, “Nope,” she says and readjusts the aviators on her head, “that truck is pretty perfect actually, lots of room in the backseat for our stuff and Lucy, then you have the back which can hold my bike, plus if we leave any later then we won’t get there till midnight.”

“Won’t the bike fall off when we’re riding?”

“No silly,” she giggles a little, “I have supportive belts. I can strap it on.”

You swallow thickly and you feel hot blood rise throughout your face.

Strap. It. On.

“Strap… it… on?” you ask, your cheeks burning, your voice sounding not at all like your own. You never had this many sexual thoughts when you were with Jackson but now, you’re with Jeongyeon it’s like they enter your head on a daily basis, there’s just a lot you want to do with her in so many ways, inside and outside the bedroom. You want to know her inside out. You plan on one day kissing every inch of her body, literally, even if it takes you hours, you want to worship her and show her how much you love her since you’re too much of a weakling to say it.

“Yeah strap it on,” she says frowning like she doesn’t understand your question. “I could use two maybe three belts, strap them on real hard, nice and tight at the ends so—”

She suddenly stops talking and you watch in delight as a rosy color dusts itself on her cheeks. She gets the innuendo.

You slowly sit down on the side of the armchair and smirk at her, “You have great hands, I’d love to see you strap things on.”

She looks at you and the blush on her cheeks now spreads to the tip of her ears. “I… didn’t mean… uh” she stutters.

She’s actually stumbling over her words. You’ve got Yoo Jeongyeon acting like putty; you’re both proud and aroused at the sight before you.

“You’re so adorable,” you say quietly and bat your lashes at her. She turns further red and starts making a coy circle with the tip of her sneaker on the floor, the floor that she’s now staring at.

Ugh. You get up and stride over to her, you don’t give her time to react before you’re wrapping your arms around her neck and crashing your lips onto hers. She makes a moan and stumbles back, taken by surprise. The heat that had been flourishing on your cheeks is now burning on your lips as you stroke your tongue hungrily over her mouth. She wraps her arms around your waist and lifts you up a little so your feet leave the ground, kissing you back eagerly.

You squeal a little and smile against her lips. She sucks and nips back, a slight desperation about the clashes off your breaths, that is until there’s knocking throughout the apartment and her lips leave yours.

Jeongyeon blinks slowly like she’s trying to remember where she is, “Again?” she asks and her voice sounds all sexy and scratchy.

You giggle and kiss her lips tenderly, you love the feeling of your own cushioning hers, you love how soft her skin and her lips are, and you love how you can taste her morning coffee on them. You pull away and smile dreamily at her closed eyes and the contented look on her face. “I would say ignore them but we do need to leave soon so we don’t really have time to… do anything…” you say reluctantly, “put me down” you ask her and nudge your nose into hers.

She opens her eyes and grins happily at you, someone is still knocking at the door but she just shakes her head in the same manner a defiant cheeky child would their mother. “You’re so tiny Nayeon,” she says and squeezes her arms around your waist tighter, “you’re like a tiny teddy bear, let’s go see who’s at the door.”

“Jeongyeon don’t” you laugh and she’s actually carrying you through the hall and toward the door. You’re kind of pissed because yet again she’s carrying you and you don’t feel like your usual bad ass self, you’re almost ashamed to admit your pride is hurt that she can lift you so easily like you weigh nothing. You try kicking your feet at her gently but she doesn’t seem bothered in the slightest. You slump in defeat and hold on around her neck tighter as she clasps her hand around the door handle and opens it.

You’re relieved and confused when you see Jihyo standing at the door, Beth around under her arm, tucked into her waist. She has that same ’you cannot be serious’ look on her face; her brown eyebrows rose like she’s not impressed with your behavior at all. The smirk on her face tells you otherwise and you grin at her.

“Sup Hyo, come to say farewell?”

“Come in,” Jeongyeon smiles and kicks the door further open.

“I have one child in my arms and you clearly have another in yours,” Jihyo smirks to Jeongyeon and rolls her eyes at you.

Jeongyeon plops you down and shuts the door, you miss the contact already but you follow Jihyo through to the living room, curious as to why she’s here.

The brunette turns around, her long tan jacket twirling around her knees and she looks at you sadly, “I have come to say farewell Nayeon actually, this is the longest we’ll be away from each other.”

You blink at her then realize she’s perfectly right. You and Jihyo have been inseparable since high school, and since you and Jackson’s only real vacations involved going to the ranch for the weekend you’ve never really been away from Jihyo for so long. Now you’re going to be gone for two weeks and you pout, realizing just how much you’ll miss her.

You hear Jeongyeon come in and take a little intake of breath as she moves toward Beth in wonder, “Well lookey here, who’s this pretty little lady?” she asks in her cute baby-talk voice and she’s holding Beth’s hand in hers.

Of course, Beth’s only response is to start giggling like mad with wide bright eyes gawking right at Jeongyeon. There’s no other human way possible to respond to Jeongyeon other than falling completely, utterly in love with her.

“Beth,” you smile your heart thrashing wonderfully in your chest at the sight. God fucking damn it you need to get a grip.

“Ah so this is Beth,” she coos and kisses the back of her tiny palm, “your mommy talked about you so much.”

Jihyo smiles looking impressed with Jeongyeon’s demeanor and looks back to you, the same despondent darkness around her brown eyes. You stare back at her and feel like you’re having a silent conversation, you’ve both helped each other through many things over the years but you helped her over Daniel’s death by just being there, even if you were your sarky self, you were just there. You realize Jihyo’s going to be alone for the first time since he passed and maybe she’s scared. You both have other friends but they’re honesty distant ones that you mainly talk to on Facebook, none that you have a mutual understanding with. None like Jihyo.

Jeongyeon, as responsive and intuitive as you’ve come to know her to be, looks between you both and seems to understand almost immediately. “If you want Jihyo, you can come with us?”

Jihyo snaps her gaze back to Jeongyeon with wide eyes and a redder quality to her cheeks. You’ve never seen Jihyo blush. “Oh, I honestly couldn’t I mean… you two… are going away you’ll probably want to be alone and—”

“It’s a great place with state-of-the-art log cabins to rent, you can bring Beth too and have the place to yourselves. There will be playgroups and other things for her to do, you can leave her at the group or with me if you want to be alone for a while, it’s a great break away and the weather’s supposed to be awesome so, I mean, I’d love you to come. It’s rather expensive for the whole two weeks but if you want to come that long I’ll pay for everything—”

“No,” Jihyo interjects and simply looks dumbfounded, “that’s such… a… wow” Jihyo struggles, running the hand that’s not holding Beth along her temple like she’s debating the matter in her mind. “That’s so kind, I don’t think I’ve ever been offered such a generous… but I can’t I have work.”

“You’ve never taken a day off work in years” you state, looking between Jeongyeon and Jihyo. “C’mon you deserve a break.”

“You’re coming,” Jeongyeon folds her arms and nods, “I’ve decided you are and that’s that.”

“I… wow…” Jihyo continues to stutter words without making much sense, which is pretty fucking rare because Jihyo always makes sense. Her face is positively red when she looks at Jeongyeon and says “thank you,” bowing her head in modest appreciation.

“I hope you don’t mind sharing the backseat with the dog though” Jeongyeon smirks and points at Lucy who’s still fast asleep on the pile of suitcases.

“I knew there had to be a catch.”

The morning is stressful as Jihyo had to cancel her baby sitter for the next two weeks and call in “sick” for work. You and Jeongyeon get a laugh at how much she was stressing out about it. You go over to Jackson’s quickly, whilst Jeongyeon gets everything else packed, including some food and buying an icebox. You ask Jackson to borrow the truck and he still looks the same from the last time you saw him, here merely grunts, disappears and reappears throwing the keys at your chest and slamming the door in your face. You guess you’re thankful you didn’t have to make pleasantries; you wouldn’t have had the time anyway. You feel so bad that you shove four of your pills down your throat, you guess it’s a good boost for the trip, but you’ll only take one every day once you’re there, you have to because you’re running out but also because that Jeongyeon’s made you believe it’s more than enough. This was just a precaution.

Jihyo and Jeongyeon put suitcases and other things underneath the back seats in the truck. Jihyo had to do some last-minute packing but Jeongyeon reassured her she’d buy her anything she needed or forgotten. Jeongyeon eventually lifts her bike up onto the back and straps it on, wrapping the ends around at the sides. She shuts the flap at the back of the truck and stares, probably wondering if it’s safe or not.

“Did Jackson get this thing serviced like I told you to?” Jeongyeon asks, patting the side of the truck.

You nod, smiling faintly at the memory of Jeongyeon fixing the engine.

“Good, it’s just I need to tuck my baby in nice and safe” Jeongyeon grins

“And I need to tuck my baby in nice and safe” Jihyo laughs back as she straps Beth into a baby chair in the back. “Do you think a seven-hour journey is good for her?”

“We’ll stop at a motel if we have to” Jeongyeon smiles and Jihyo can do nothing but look thankful.

The road trip is long. Your legs and arms get numb because you’ve been buckled onto this damn chair for so long crossing states through sunshine and rain. You open the window once it’s sunny again and let your hand drift through the warm wind, the remnants of the summer blowing hotly throughout the car. You stop and eat a McDonald’s around 5:00pm. Jihyo and Jeongyeon, still a little hostile toward each other have been taking jabs at each other all day.

“So, if you’re paying for this trip, I can order two meals, right?” Jihyo asks, not entirely serious.

“Eat all you want Jihyo, your ass needs filling out anyway” Jeongyeon says, smirking at her in the rear mirror.

You’ve lost count but you think Jeongyeon’s won the majority of their exchanges.

You and Jihyo go to the restroom and you end up throwing it back up in the toilet, without feeling any nausea beforehand. You wipe the back of your hand and frown, Jihyo’s already heard so you can’t lie to her.

“You ok?” Jihyo asks with a worried, furrowed brow.

“Yeah,” you sigh feeling your stomach turn. In all honesty you suddenly feel nervous, you don’t know what about, you have no thoughts in your head right now, not even negative ones but your stomach is telling you it’s nervous. Something isn’t right. “Yeah can you not tell Jeongyeon about this?”

Jihyo narrows her eyes and crosses her arms, “Why?”

“No reason,” you try shrugging casually, “if she thinks I’m sick she’ll worry and this race is important to her so, I don’t want her to worry over nothing.”

You don’t know what worries you more, how quickly you came up with the lie or how goddamn convincing you sounded.

You listen to Jeongyeon talk for a while in the car and how she can’t wait to compete again, about how huge a deal the AMA finals are and about the fact she’s apparently, she’s the favorite to win. Of course, she is. You fall asleep again and will the horrible feeling growing in the pit of your stomach to go away. Once you wake up an hour later you think it has and you sigh in relief. Jeongyeon occasionally throws you a smile and you grin like an idiot at her.

She can completely dismantle you with a look.

She holds out a wrapper of mint candy to you, one hand still on the wheel and you go to take one but she pulls away. A simple offer turns into a silly hand game, your eyes meeting playfully throughout like you’re having secret, private conversations.

“You two are unbearable,” Jihyo groans from the back seat.

“Hey, it’s either us up here or you driving with us in the back seat and trust me, you don’t want to leave me with Nayeon in the backseat,” Jeongyeon smirks back to Jihyo.

“Why what would you do with me?” you husk, trailing a finger up and down her bicep, feeling the muscle contract at your touch.

You smirk at each other as Jihyo makes gagging sounds.

“Seriously I’m going to throw up if you two don’t stop it.”

Jihyo makes a stop to change Beth and give her some food, after a while you’re back on the road and the sky burns amber, you’ve been drifting in and out of sleep by the time you hit traffic in Hoengseong.

“Hey so you always check up on people’s police records?” Jeongyeon asks Jihyo, her eyes darting to the rearview mirror again.

“You always sleep with your patients?” Jihyo retorts.

You tense until, much to your shock, they both burst out laughing and smile at each other. Like, full on genuine smile. Somewhere along the way, whilst you were sleeping, their banter got friendly.

They’re sassing each other like old friends.

You have a warm feeling in your heart and decide not to sleep again in case you miss anything else. A while later Jeongyeon cranks up the radio when her favorite song comes on.

Jeongyeon’s drumming her fingers against the wheel, singing out loud to every word like she knows it off by heart. You then burst out laughing because she’s singing so loud, the woman you love is actually almost yelling along to a song.

You feel like the only sane person in the car because Jeongyeon’s singing madly at the top of her lungs, and even Jihyo joins in from the back when the chorus kicks back in. You stare at Beth in her chair and she’s fast asleep, as is the dog lying on Jihyo’s lap. How in the hell?

Once the song is over Jeongyeon sighs happily, her eyes dancing over your face, “It is hard to make a living in a rhinestone world though.”

All three of you burst out laughing and you’re not sure what you find so funny about Jeongyeon’s statement, maybe the fuel from the truck or lack of sleep has gone to all your heads but everything’s funnier and you’re suddenly loving this trip. It’s coming to an end soon and you’re kind of sad about it but at least on the way back you can make more of an effort with it, that, and you need to stop off at the Wang’s Ranch. You gulp thinking about how they’ll react to you and Jeongyeon but shake the thoughts from your mind, there’s no point in worrying about that now.

It’s dark, 10:13pm by the time you’re in Pyeongchang.

“But seriously, nobody should be allowed to be as pretty as you Jihyo” Jeongyeon sighs, chewing gum and popping it out.

You hear Jihyo giggle.

Like actually fucking giggle, you’ve never made her giggle.

“Uh, guys? What the hell I’m right here,” you say, motioning a hand to yourself.

“You’re not pretty Nayeon” Jeongyeon chuckles like you said the most ridiculous thing.

You blink at her, “Just what every girlfriend wants to hear” you deadpan.

“No,” she says sighing and rolling her eyes like she’s impatient you can’t keep up with her. “You… you’re not pretty… pretty’s just pretty. You’re much more than pretty you’re beautiful, gorgeous, sexy… oh you’re just…” she trails and blows out a heavy breath between her lips.

She doesn’t have a word for what you are.

“Better” You smirk feeling a blush burn your cheeks.

“Suddenly I feel like pretty isn’t a compliment” Jihyo quips from the back.

You try to stay awake but it doesn’t last long and you find yourself leaning against the window and falling asleep.

You have the weirdest dream about a giant sheep.

“Hey we’re here” a voice calls out to you after a while.

Jeongyeon gently rouses you from your sleep and you open your eyes groggily. You feel the truck tires rumble across the stone road and it’s almost pitch dark outside. You look down at your phone screen to see it’s 11:03pm, damn you just want to go to bed. Once you feel awake enough you turn to see Jihyo’s awake and gently stroking Beth’s face whose fast asleep despite the rocking of the car. You smile and turn back looking out your window. There’s an opening in the road with a large wooden sign at the side.

Lee Sunmi

Dude Ranch

Hurricane Hills

Jeongyeon drives past and comes to a car park by what looks like the main reception building. The trucks stop and your legs feel really numb from sitting for so long, you don’t think you can stand. You roll your window up and get out the car, willing the feeling to come back into your legs, the cold night wind is also welcome feeling. You look around and feel instantly comfortable. The place is basically an entire forest, high pine and oak trees surround the place and it’s basically a secret-looking little town situated in the middle of a forest. There are rows and rows of large and impressive looking log cabins, it almost looks like a housing estate hidden in the middle of a forest. You also see gift shops, food joints, a museum and rows and rows of motorbikes chained to bars. There are winding roads that lead to the racing tracks you can just make out in the distance; other paths lead into the surrounding forest. It’s kind of beautiful. A few of the occupants are still awake, people of all ages and creeds. There’re fat bearded bikers walking around with plastic cups full of what’s likely alcoholic content, there’s a few kids chasing each other around a large fire pit outside one of the cabins. Your eyes fall to a few TV camera crew vans.

Jeongyeon wasn’t exaggerating; this is a pretty big deal.

“My legs are cramping and it hurts, I swear I’m about to give birth again” Jihyo groans coming up beside you to take in the view. Beth’s got her little arms wrapped around her neck and is sleeping on the brunette’s shoulder. “This place looks great,” she adds.

Even Jihyo is excited.

Lucy shows her excitement by running out of the car and peeing on the lawn.

You all enter the main reception area feeling exhausted after finally heaving in everyone’s luggage. You keep Jihyo company as she rents out a log cabin to stay in, you tell her to make sure the one next to her is free. You’re waiting on Jeongyeon because she’s outside chaining her bike up so it won’t get stolen. There’s only the receptionist and another tall lady in here; she has long brown hair and a black tracksuit on with the name ‘Park Su-bin’ stitched on as a name tag on the front.

The tracksuit lady, with her hands firmly clasped behind her back comes strolling over to you. “Excuse me ladies,” she interrupts you and Jihyo rudely and her narrowed eyes are darting between you with suspicion, “are either of you here racing in the AMA Motocross finals on Friday, hosted by yours truly?” she practically bellows like some strange announcer.

“Uh no,” you and Jihyo both say in unison.

You point your thumb over your shoulders toward the main doors, “Oh! But my—”

Crap.

Girlfriend, just say it.

Jeongyeon’s your girlfriend so just call her that.

“—uh… friend is, she’ll be here shortly” you chicken out.

“What is your friends name?” Subin asks.

“Yoo Jeongyeon.”

“Ah,” she bellows again and shakes her head, “ladies I cannot express my disgust at the AMA favorite showing up last to this ranch.”

She’s talking about Jeongyeon, “Wait, it’s not her fault it was a freaking 7-hour journey down here.”

Her eyes hone in on you and damn she is scary, not many people scare you but she does. She’s probably about to shout at you when Jeongyeon comes bursting through the front entrance, rusting Lucy’s hair with one hand playfully.

“Sup” Jeongyeon nods her head at Subin.

You’re guessing that Subin’s in charge of this place, or at least the motocross event and Jeongyeon definitely doesn’t know.

“Yoo, come here,” Subin clicks her fingers and points to the floor in front of her.

Oh crap.

Jeongyeon looks confused as she walks and stops in front of Subin, Lucy sitting at her heel beside her and panting.

“Yoo!” Subin bellows

“Yes ma’am?” Jeongyeon pouts looking scared.

“This fine specimen you’re looking at is in charge of this event and I’m required to read out to you several rules and regulations regarding this event and you will stand there and listen, got it girl!?”

Jeongyeon nods frantically.

Great, this better not take long.

“I’m going to my cabin, Beth needs to settle, my cabin is number 46, I here 47 is free” Jihyo says with a soft laugh and slips quietly out.

You want to laugh but you’re afraid that Park Su-bin woman will kill you.

“NUMBER ONE!” she states loudly and brings up her forefinger in front of Jeongyeon’s face. “All people wanting access to the motocross track are required to sign a liability release form. All people under the age of 18 need a parent or legal guardian to sign on their behalf. If you do not comply you will not be permitted access to the motocross track. Understand?”

Jeongyeon nods.

“Number two! All riders are required to wear a U.S.D.O.T Certified and/or Snell certified off-road motorcycle helmet, goggles and/or eye protection, a long-sleeved jersey, preferably cotton, riding gloves, knee cups and boots. If you are caught riding without the appropriate safety gear, you will be assessed a rule violation and you will not be allowed to continue riding on the motocross tracks or participate in the AMA championships, do you understand?”

Jeongyeon nods.

“Number three! All riders are required to ride well-maintained machinery. Any motorcycle that fails a random inspection, and trust me lady there will be many; will not be permitted on the track. See Burt that-a-way,” she says and points in some direction north, “he is our hired mechanic for this event and will have the appropriate parts or service you require if your bike is broken, do you understand?”

Jeongyeon nods again and begins shuffling on her feet looking bored, like she knows these rules off by heart.

“Number Four!” Subin hollers and brings four fingers up in front of Jeongyeon’s face. “No play riding in the pits! Ride slowly and cautiously to and from the tracks. If you are caught play riding or speeding in a parking or pit area you will be assessed a rule violation and asked to leave the Lee Sunmi facility. People who injure somebody else on this property by this rule will be banned from the ranch indefinitely, do you understand?”

You just about doze off when she gets to rule number twelve and for a moment you find it funny because she’s ran out of fingers to use.

“Number Fourteen!” Subin bellows again and you snap up, you realize you had fallen asleep leaning down on the counter, the receptionist by the booking area shoots you a small sympathetic smile and you smile back.

“Vending and/or merchandising, of any kind, without permission is prohibited. If you are caught selling anything without a valid permit you will be asked to leave the facility, do you understand?”

“Yes” Jeongyeon groans sounding exasperated.

“NUMBER FIFTEEN!” Subin shouts over her. “Track rules! There is no double riding on the motocross tracks. There is no riding backwards on the motocross tracks, against the oncoming traffic, which is riding in a counter clockwise direction at all times! If you are not jumping the jumps, stay at least one meter to the side in order to allow other riders easier access to the jumps, do you understand?”

Jeongyeon nods and yawns.

She looks so tired and cute.

“LASTLY!” Subin bellows.

Fucking finally.

“No pets allowed near the tracks, do you understand?” Subin asks and narrows her eyes, glaring down at Lucy whose all but fell asleep on the floor around Jeongyeon’s feet, despite Subin’s shouting. “I am also inclined to inform you that swimming pools, gift shops, museums, hiking tours, walking groups are included within the booking price and are free at the point of use for your pleasure. After the AMA finals on Friday, several other, less civilized activities will take place over the weekend including mudslides and various rock concerts. Please enjoy your stay” Subin says through gritted teeth.

“Can I go now?” Jeongyeon grumbles.

“You are dismissed!”

After you rent out cabin number 47, you and Jeongyeon groan carrying your suitcases all the way there, even Lucy walks lazily beside you seeming exhausted. You arrive at number 47 and somehow find the energy to grin. It’s a huge log cabin with a thick chimney and a porch at the front with pretty flowers and some old-time rocking chair by the window. You enter and feel the comforting warmth of the classic stone fireplace, there are brown and maroons around the living room, puffy big sofas and a state of the art flat screen TV on the wall. There are beams across the ceiling with old-fashioned patterned drapes hanging over them. It smells life firewood and flowery potpourri. God, you could live here. The kitchen and bathroom are the only two modern rooms in the house and they are state of the art with a large fancy bath, and the largest fridge you’ve ever seen situated in the kitchen. When you walked by, it said hello. Lucy finds a new resting spot by the fire and has already fallen fast asleep.

You and Jeongyeon just lazily dump down your suitcases beside the king-size bed and crawl into it with your clothes still on.

“I’m… sleeping… now” she says through yawns and snuggles into your side.

You’re already slipping into slumber.

Jeongyeon wakes you up at 5:30am, like an excited kid on Christmas morning. There’s one thing you learn watching her prepare for a day of practicing — her routine is meticulous, she’s serious about this, very serious and if you didn’t know before you know now, this is very important to her. She eats cereal then works out on the living room floor doing sit-ups and press-ups; she then irons her motocross outfit and checks every nook and cranny of her gear. She times herself doing every little thing while chomping doing on a granola bar. You shove on a purple hoodie over your tank top and leggings, you’re only here to watch her practice, the real vacation won’t start till Jeongyeon’s got more time after the main race on Friday, until then you can watch her practice, meet her friends or you and Jihyo could hang out.

“Come help me put on my gear,” she says motioning her hand to you.

You get up from the sofa from where you were watching the news and smile at her, she’s so bright and cute and it’s too early for all these feelings.

“Red bull is your sponsor?” you ask stunned looking down at the graphics on her outfit.

“No big deal,” Jeongyeon shrugs, “they sponsor a lot of amateur racers, but hey the annual thousand-dollar cheque is nice” she smiles at you.

You will yourself to stop staring as she strips down to her underwear and you help her into the cotton outfit. You zip her up at the back and she turns around. The suit is mostly cotton and fits her snuggly. The design is mostly white but there’s thick black and grey stripes coming down from the shoulders and across the chest and arms with the bright red ’Red Bull’ logo on the front. She’s got an icon of the red bull on both arms and in one of the kneecaps and she looks, for lack of a better word, fucking cool. She puts on her matching clunky black riding boots, kneecap protectors and elbow pads. You lift up her white body armor from the floor and almost drop it because Jesus fuck it’s heavy, it actually feels like protective armor you’d find in the military or something. It feels both plastic and metal and you can’t decide which. You carefully put it on over her head and strap it securely on at the sides.

“I feel like a gorilla,” Jeongyeon grins, banging her fists against her body armor with loud thuds. “Ouch” she says looking down at her knuckles after the third bang, yes apparently that shit is made of heavy metal; you’re kind of worried about how she’s going to ride with that on.

Jeongyeon stands up straight, feet together and with broadened shoulders, looking to you with a playful glint in her eye, like she’s ready for inspection. “Uhm… how do I really look though?” she asks, a nervous tension around her voice. She’s actually nervous and wants your approval.

So, fucking hot and bad ass.

“You look more like a knight, a white knight” you grin instead, trying not to project your own unwarranted nerves onto her.

“Knight in shining armor,” she mumbles then licks her lips, “I’ll save you any day miss Im.”

You really can do nothing but blush at that.

Jeongyeon leaves Lucy in the cabin when it’s ready to leave, “Aww, I’m sorry Lucy, no pets allowed near the tracks but you’ll be ok here for a few hours right?” she asks clapping around the golden retrievers ears, “I’ve left you fresh water and food and I brought your favorite snuggly,” she says laying down a chew toy in the shape of a caterpillar at her wayside, “I promise I’ll take you a long walk tomorrow morning and we can play and then you can pee on Park Su-bin’s car, ok?”

Lucy gives a happy bark and you laugh thinking she just might be serious.

You both leave and are hit by the chilly cold morning air but still, it’s such a nice morning; there’s leaves sprawled carelessly along the grass, the first signs of fall. The morning dew is making the air humid and heavy, also the grass fresh but squelchy. You see other people leave their cabins, set up fire camps; some are even cooking things over theirs. There’s a smell of fuel, grass and cooked meat in the air as you bypass a fast-food caravan flipping burgers and frying bacon for the early morning arrivals. The small wind is tempting the trees to rustle and blowing seamlessly through the golden locks in front of you. You’re following Jeongyeon somewhere but you’re too engrossed in her and your surroundings that you don’t much care where you’re headed, as long as this place continues to make you feel awesome for some reason and as long as you’re with her.

You can’t stop checking Jeongyeon out though. You follow her to somewhere, she told you where you were both going but you were too distracted to form her words to something coherent and understandable. She’s almost got her full kit on, only her helmet, gloves and goggles strapped to the seat of her motocross bike. A bike that’s a little smaller than her usual bike, it’s got different wheels, gears and even a different seat. Jeongyeon’s pulling the bike along so casually like she’s did this a million times before. You then realize she probably has, but still, you’ve never seen her in her element and it’s both impressing you and turning you on. Her biker boots thud against the grass heavily and your eyes travel upwards, wishing you could see through cotton until you get to her ass which is swaying casually, deliciously, almost arrogantly from side to side with every step she takes.

“This is it, won’t take long hopefully” she says over her shoulder, bringing you out of your stupor.

You come to a building that looks more like a glorified shed and at the top of it there’s a hand-painted sign that says ‘Yugyeom’s Supplies’. There are motorbikes parked outside and lots of people exiting with spare parts and tires. It’s a makeshift garage, you figure it makes sense; nobody would actually set up shop in the middle of this field considering the races are only on a few times a year. There’s also a few food and memorabilia stalls nearby and the place is buzzing with people but in a subdued early-morning way. You wonder if you should go check on Jihyo and ask her to hang out but you almost forget it’s a quarter past six in the morning and she’s probably enjoying a rare lie-in.

“Mhmm,” Jeongyeon hums in thought as she comes to a stop by the giant fire pit outside the garage entrance. It’s not lit but there are long strips of wood and bark forming a large, almost bonfire-like fireplace. There’s improvised seats set around it in a half-circle made of tree’s chopped in half then embedded into the ground. “Let’s wait here till it gets a little less busy, I don’t want to trouble Yugyeom” she says, resting her bike down on its side by the pit and placing her helmet and other gear there.

“You know Yugyeom?” you ask and you sit down beside her on the wooded seats. You close your eyes and breathe in the morning air feeling the comforting warmth glowing on your back from the morning sun rising behind you.

She smiles and nods at you, “Thanks for coming here with me” she says and pokes the side of your leg bashfully.

You chew your lip and giggle shyly at her.

You’d go anywhere with her.

A voice suddenly interrupts you both, “Well, well. About time my blonde bombshell showed up.”

From the top of your vision you see black leather boots with intrinsic patters on them and shiny silver studs sticking out of the sides get closer and closer till they stop. You look up and an older brunette woman is smiling down at Jeongyeon. She’s sporting a dull grey tee with ’the clash’ logo on the front underneath an authentic looking leather jacket and tight leather pants. She must be a biker.

“Moonbyul!” Jeongyeon pounces up and hugs the other woman.

You stand up sensing introductions are in order.

There are small yet distinguishing age lines wrinkling the edge of her brown greenish eyes, she has to be at least five years older than you. She’s hot though; you can already tell she has an air of confidence about her that reminds you of another blonde you know.

Wait. Hot?

You shake your head and look between them exchanging pleasantries.

“Oh! I forgot!” Jeongyeon exclaims throwing a palm over her face, “Moonbyul, this is Im Nayeon my girlfriend, Nayeon this is Moon Byul-yi.”

“Hey there hot stuff” she smirks at you and offers you her hand.

You’re temporarily blind sighted because Jeongyeon just called you her girlfriend, out loud, in public. You’re panicked but also relieved because this woman doesn’t seem to care and the world didn’t end, at least no hole has appeared on the ground and swallowed you up yet. Jeongyeon said it so casually, so naturally, you wonder if she even realizes what’s she’s done.

“Uh… hi” you say shaking her hand back.

Her hand is cold yet she shakes yours firmly and assuredly.

This woman seems cool as hell to be honest so you muster your bravado that’s been nothing but timid so far. “Moon Byul-yi?” you snort and smirk back at her. “You’re either a porn star or c list actress, which are both basically the same thing.”

“Yeah yeah, laugh it up girl, my mother blessed me with the name, she’s dead now, I killed her because of it” she says with a straight face.

You feel your own face pale and then her and Jeongyeon burst out laughing at your reaction.

“Just kidding hot stuff,” she winks, “I’d make a pretty ace killer though you gotta admit.”

“Oh, you’re certainly a killer something” you mumble, eyeing her up and down. You laugh nervously and feel yourself blush in her presence. You feel flattered by the looks she’s throwing your way but also nervous because you want to be cool like her. You want to impress this stranger already. You probably look really lame right now.

“Girlfriend huh?” Moonbyul says with a knowing look to Jeongyeon and she too blushes under Moonbyul’s stare, they’re looking at each other like they’re in on a joke you’re not privy too. “Damn, why do you always get the hot ones” Moonbyul sighs looking you up and down, she’s talking about you like you aren’t even here.

You shift awkwardly on your feet, secretly hoping you’ve got her approval.

“You never have partners and you’ve never brought someone here Jeongyeon, must be serious.”

“Moonbyul,” Jeongyeon grumbles under hear breath, her face and ears growing pink, “you’re embarrassing me” she says with a slight nudge of the head toward your direction.

You laugh at her failed attempted to be subtle because you just find it so damn cute.

Your mind is kind of blown because Moonbyul reminds you so much of Jeongyeon, it’s like you’re looking at a future Jeongyeon with only some personality and appearance differences, actually she has a lot of sass so in many ways she’s like a blend of you both.

“So, what’s the story morning glory? How did you have meet?” Moonbyul asks looking between you.

Oh god — that’s such a couple question.

“She’s uh… my… I’m her therapist” Jeongyeon says and you sense how uncomfortable she was saying that.

It’s only really now that it hits you, of how wrong that sounds.

“Duuuuude” Moonbyul drags out looking at Jeongyeon astonished, “Isn’t that like illegal or something? Because I am like crazy informed about these things and that is all sorts of messed up.”

“Not technically illegal no” Jeongyeon huffs crossing her arms, “you don’t know our situation ok? Back off.”

Moonbyul holds up her hands in surrender, “Hey, I’m just sayin’ that’s all, it’s none of my business. Love is love and all that jazz.”

Love. You try not latch onto any deeper meaning from her statement.

“Sorry,” Jeongyeon skews her mouth and scratches her eyebrow, “it’s just… complicated. Anyways tell me about the race this year, what am I looking out for?”

“Oh, so now you want my opinion,” she says and kicks her boot into the side of Jeongyeon’s leg, a friendly jostle between familiar friends. “You want the down-lo’, give me some sugar and I’ll tell you” she says making a pouty kissing shape with her lips.

“For the last time I’m not sleeping with you” Jeongyeon chuckles

“Can’t blame me for trying baby.”

You scowl at her not out of jealousy per say but because she can call Jeongyeon that so freely yet it’s something you struggle with. You wish you were as cool as her.

“Alright listen up,” Moonbyul continues clapping her hands together once, “so you’ve more or less got the same competition from last year but there’s a few new faces you oughta be careful about. There’s this Chinese woman called Dandan, she’s small but speedy, you can’t miss her though—”

You and Jeongyeon both laugh.

“—There’s also this blonde chick from the capital called Seulgi, I shit you not that’s her name, seems like a dirty player, would crash into your bike to get ahead of you.”

“Ok,” Jeongyeon nods, putting her hands in her biker pant pockets and looking slightly nervous, “thanks Moonbyul, I’ll see you around, we can catch up later, if that’s OK?”

“You know it. See you too hot stuff” Moonbyul winks at you.

“Not if I see you first!”

She laughs and turns, walking off toward a group of male bikers by one of the stalls, they pat her on the back roughly when she re-enters the group, like she’s one of the guys.

Not if I see you first? What the fuck was that Im?

You turn to Jeongyeon half-expecting her to call you lame but she’s sank back down on the wooden seat, her shoulders slumped and her head bowed. She’s quiet.

“What’s wrong?” you ask sitting back down beside her.

“Just her reaction to you being my patient,” she sighs and scuffs her boots against the mud, “brought me back to reality is all, I’ll need to resign soon.”

“Wait, what? Resign?” you ask confused. “Look I know it isn’t conventional but our relationship works, I don’t see the big deal, I’m sure we’re not the first patient and counselor to fall in—”

Shit.

You cut yourself off and stare at her, naively hoping she didn’t hear you but the look on her face tells you she did. You can feel yourself burn red. An awkward feeling runs down your spine, making you physically retort as if you heard nails drag painfully down a chalkboard and suddenly you feel like you’re sweating buckets. She looks at you, her mouth opens a little, her cheeks and the tips of her ears pink in embarrassment. Or flattery, god you hope its flattery.

“I uh,” she starts, like she’s trying to quickly divert from the awkwardness, “you don’t understand Nayeon there’s rules and laws about this thing. Our relationship is illegal in some cities, not the capital but still, with good reason. Because I’m in a position of power over you, us having a relationship would be treated as seriously as a doctor and patient or teacher and student. It’s unethical.”

“Oh,” you breathe out feeling guilty. You thought there was just some unspoken rule about this thing but now you’re only aware of your ignorance, you have no idea about rules regarding this. You didn’t care enough to ask or look into it.

“Wait so, you’re going to lose your job?”

“It’s inevitable,” she says quietly, looking down and playing with her hands. “Sooner or later someone, possibly a colleague will see us together and that’s that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with us been seen together.”

“There is though,” she smiles wryly, “even us sitting here now together outside of our professional relationship is wrong and more than enough to get me fired, never mind the fact that I came onto you and we’re now engaged in a sexual relationship. The truth is when you told me Jackson’s parents owned the ranch I should have shipped you off to a different counselor because then technically we would be related and counsellors aren’t allowed to counsel friends, relatives or anyone with any sort of connection, no matter how small, even if it’s the woman that serves you coffee every day you’ve never spoken to.”

You watch as she digs her nails into the back of her knuckles, she looks so uncomfortable and guilty talking about this you almost want to change the subject.

“But then if I sent you to someone else, I’d only get to see you at the ranch once a month and that just wasn’t enough for me. There’s also a two-year rule where after the sessions have finished you can regain contact and be friends after two years. God,” she laughs and shakes her head, “I guess I’m breaking that rule with Jihyo. I’ve pretty much broken at least ten code of conduct violations with you alone, one with Jihyo and—”

She puts her hand over her face falling silent.

You keep quiet sensing she wants to talk about it more but you can already tell she’s disgusted with herself, but in your mind she shouldn’t be.

“Still, our circumstances were circumstantial when we first met Nayeon, but it was that night in ‘Hell in Heaven’, when I touched you under the table, that’s when I crossed the line and could never come back from it. That could easily be deemed sexual exploitation or even sexual abuse. That night I realized many things and I decided that my career was living on borrowed time. I also wanted to help you out with counselling anyway so decided to keep seeing you in Room 47 for as long as I possibly could before ultimately being fired and having my license revoked. I mean, technically a complaint would need to come from you for that to happen but still us been seen together is enough for me to lose my job, but I decided months ago that this was the price for my feelings toward you. I’ll deal with it once we get back to Seoul but I can’t keep chancing this, keep being your counselor and your girlfriend, it’s just better for everyone that I quit before I get caught.”

You gulp realizing just how much she’s risked and thrown away to be with you, you feel touched and guilty, yet utterly confused at her actions. “This is insane, your job is your life, and you love it and studied hard to get where you are. I’m not worth losing your job over Jeong.”

She drops her hand from her temple, the life returns to her face and she giggles like you just said the silliest thing, “Yes you are. To me you are.”

You stare at her. She must be crazy. Crazy about you.

“It’s either that or I continue on being a counselor, refer you to another therapist and we split up then resume where we left off two years from now, could you do that Nayeon? Could you go two years without seeing me at all?”

You gulp then snort at your own embarrassing memory, “Jeong, remember I couldn’t go two days without you never mind two years, I drove all the way down here from the city just because I freaking missed you.”

That seems to cheer her up and you both laugh softly exchanging knowing, shy glances.

“You came on really strong considering the regulations, I’m not judging you or anything,” you assure her quickly, “just putting it out there” you smirk.

This woman bravely or stupidly, you can’t decide which, basically risked her career on a whim.

She laughs a little, “Yeah, still the craziest thing I’ve done.”

“Crazier than this motocross stuff?” you tease her.

“Definitely,” she nods, “With us, I thought at first it was just a physical attraction, I told myself that you were straight and just being friendly but the counselor side of my brain could tell you were struggling with your sexual identity, and looking back,” she pauses giving a heavy remorseful sigh, “I exploited that.”

“Jeong,” you say softly, reaching out to rest your hand on her knee. There are people around and you’re touching her knee, you feel pleased with yourself for a moment. “I didn’t exactly stop you, in fact I encouraged you, I couldn’t keep away from you, this wasn’t all some one-sided thing, I kissed you first, remember?” you laugh a little. “It’s all irrelevant now anyway, if you hadn’t have come onto me, I would have made the move eventually,” you pause and your eyes take in her features. She doesn’t look as sad and is watching you with those forbearing, attentive, calm cerulean brown eyes you’ve fallen in love with over and over again, endlessly.

“We are inevitable Jeongyeon” you say with certainty and squeeze her knee in your hand, unable to look away from her striking eyes.

She smiles, bashful, modestly. “Thanks, Nayeon,” she whispers and lays her hand down over the back of yours, “but you don’t need to worry about me or this situation, it was my actions and I’ll deal with the consequences, for now let’s just have an awesome vacation.”

“You bet” you grin at her.

After a while people start spreading out, there’s a few people with bikes who have the same idea of practicing on the tracks like Jeongyeon. Other people have dogs to walk, canoes under their arms, some are clearly going hitch-hiking while others are going fishing. This feels so much bigger than just a community event and you figure by the time Friday gets here this place is going to be jam-packed. You follow Jeongyeon over to ’s and stand outside the entrance.

“Hey Yugyeom!” Jeongyeon says as she goes toward the makeshift garage and knocks gently on the door.

“Hey there Jeong” he says, his accent notable, “c’mon in, I said I’d show you how to service your own air filter, right?”

“Right!” She nods enthusiastically.

“I’ll just wait out here,” you mumble.

Jeongyeon throws you a questioning look but then shrugs, you don’t know how well Jeongyeon knows this Yugyeom guy but you’re a judgmental bitch and right now your subconscious is noting the olive trucker cap on his bald head, the stains on his dull brown t-shirt and the red chequered shirt that looks way too big for him flung haphazardly over him. A small town guy. But most of all you note the golden chain around his neck, a crucifix with a little mini Jesus on it. You realize you’re jumping to all sorts of conclusions but if you’re really going to be out with Jeongyeon on this trip you want to be smart about it, so you’re keeping the hell away from this guy, no matter how well Jeongyeon knows him.

You watch them work away on her bike for a while until you catch Moonbyul from the corner of your eye come up to the garage entrance, she leans against the metal hanger wall casually looking between you and Jeongyeon.

“You like her a lot huh?” she asks.

You nod, “More than like.”

“She has that effect on people” Moonbyul sighs and you hope she isn’t speaking from experience.

“What effect?” you ask anyway.

“You know, she just has one of those faces, that presence. Like if you’re gonna be stuck with a stranger in a dark alleyway you’d want it to be her, you know?”

You laugh softly and nod your head, “Yeah I know” you agree.

You look at Jeongyeon and she’s laughing away and patting Yugyeom on the shoulder for some reason. There are many things you love about Jeongyeon, like the way she has to have her bread cut into triangles or she won’t eat it, like how she always has to spend at least ten dollars in any one shop otherwise she’s not “contributing to the economy”, and how she loves the smell of citrus so much you changed your shampoo accordingly. She also loves engines; she looks so damn happy with a piece of seemingly useless metal in her hands.

“Well I’ll see you around girl, I really hope we can do something together Nayeon” Moonbyul says, leaving her suggestion open to interpretation and saunters away.

You nod vaguely and go inside.

“Yugyeom, this is Nayeon I’ve been telling you about”

He holds out a hand covered in a clean cloth so he doesn’t stain you, you shake it and smile politely. “I’ve heard a lot about you” he grins and goes back to doing something on the faraway counter. Jeongyeon brings her motocross bike out the front and plops it down, it looks shinier with better, firmer wheels too. She nestles it between her legs, her hips swaying from side to side and your heart stops when she’s batting her lashes at you.

The sway of her hips in those cotton pants.

Fuck.

She’s a smirk away from being smug with that stupid grin on her face, she’s begging for you to look her way, to give her attention. She’s trying to impress you. She knows she looks hot and she’s using it against you.

“You look bad ass and I can’t wait to see you ride Jeong” you sigh at her, putting your hands on your hips.

“Thanks,” she beams, “but I’m kinda nervous about you watching, can you like… maybe… not watch me today?”

Oh god she’s adorable, how can she switch from confident to insecure like that? You don’t understand her.

“But I want to see you ride!” you laugh.

“OK well at least let me get a feel for the track again, after dinner I’ll come out and you can watch me practice then, ok?”

“Fine” you sigh finding humor in her bashfulness.

Yugyeom comes out and taps Jeongyeon on the arm, “Hey can you man the store for a few minutes? I gotta deliver this break to a guy up in the cabins.”

“Sure, no problem! C’mon Nayeon let’s go inside it’s kinda cold out here.”

You go into the store and really, it’s just a garage with shelves full of scrap metal and other engine parts with a cashier on a wobbly counter at the back.

You walk aimlessly up to the back of the room, looking around, playing with a bobble-head by the cashier.

Once Yugyeom is away and out of earshot Jeongyeon turns to you, devilishness in the way she spins on her heel so quickly. You feel your body get heavier under the look she’s giving you now, maybe heavier than that damn piece of armor she’s wearing. You rest your palm on the counter, feigning nonchalance.

“You were flirting with Moonbyul,” she states, her thin lips curling up into a smirk.

She seems… amuse.

“I wasn’t really I just—”

Your voice dies because she’s walking slowly toward you, her palm sliding along the counter, advancing closer and closer to yours. You feel like the smallest person in the world, so small she could swallow you whole and the glint in her eyes tells you she just might be thinking about it. You slowly back away from her until your back meets the wall; you’ve now entrapped yourself between the fire extinguisher on your right and the counter on your left. There’s no way out now.

You gulp when Jeongyeon’s boots hit your own, she’s already right in front of you. “It’s fine Nayeon,” she breathes lowly looking somewhere beneath your neck. You stiffen because you feel her breath ghost your collarbone. “A reminder though that this—” she hisses wantonly and suddenly her hand is cupping in-between your legs. “This is mine.”

You gasp. Gasp at the contact, at how her warm palm is now nestled between your thighs, cupping your sex in her palm possessively and you feel yourself moisten.

She’s pressed against you, gripping between your legs so firmly that you almost have to stand on your tiptoes. Your heart is beating all around your body. Murky brown eyes turn a shade lighter, as the aroused smirk from her lips falls less poised and you catch in your vision her swallowing like she’s suddenly tense.

She withdraws her hand from between your legs and slowly, gingerly, slides it up your front; smoothing over your abdomen that your stomach muscles tighten and your eyes flutter shut for the briefest of moments. She’s shifting your tank top up a little and then glides up the valley between your breasts and she’s now touching your skin, eventually resting a soft palm over exactly where your heart is.

God.

The touch is so gentle and sweet your breath catches in your throat. You feel your face burn when you realize she can probably feel how crazily your heart is beating against the palm of her hand.

“And this,” she says, her voice much quieter than before. Her eyes are on you, nervous, confused, a little overwhelmed. You can see a mixture of emotion swirl in her pupils and etch themselves on her beautiful face. Her usual nonchalance, her apathy, her confidence that was there a second ago is nowhere to be seen, she’s unable to muster any of it and you watch her fascinated. Your heart drums against her palm, beating only for her — she could so easily rip it out in this moment. Instead you hope your heartbeat vibrates against her palm and travels all the way up the veins in her arm to her own.

“This,” she says again, her pointer finger gently tapping over your heart. Once. Twice. Three times and your knees feel weak. “This is definitely mine,” she says softly, her voice shaking, uncharacteristically uncertain of itself.

She smiles at you not with her lips but with her eyes and you find yourself drowning in brown and nodding dumbly at her in a blissful near-death haze.

Her gaze is intense, like she’s trying to tell you something without words. You panic a little, a blissful panic. There’s a deliberate glint in her eye and her hand is over your heart. Your heart.

Did she take your earlier slip up seriously? Does she know? Does she know that you’re in love with her?

The smile in her eyes drops down and forms on her lips; she’s beaming so much at you, bringing sunshine into a damp, dark workshop and into a once dark, damp heart.

No. She’d tell you if she loved you, she wouldn’t hesitate. She’s not a coward like you.

But she is falling in love with you and that’s more than ok, you just hope she never stops.

In all honesty you didn’t even realize you were flirting with Moonbyul, you’re flirting without realizing, which is the definition of doing something that comes natural to you, and apparently, you’ve learned today it’s in your nature to flirt with woman. You tuck and hide that realization to the back of your mind. The very back of your mind, the dark corners you plan on not exploring for a while, if at all.

Yugyeom eventually comes back and Jeongyeon walks you back to the cabin.

“Yugyeom and his wife invited us to dinner next week at one of the diners here” she tells you on the way.

You don’t bother voicing your fears to her and simply nod.

Eventually she’s off heading toward the tracks and you invite Jihyo and Beth into your cabin. Jeongyeon comes back for lunch and is off again soon after looking beat, you spend most of the day catching up on sleep you missed out on and spending time with Jihyo.

Later on, in the evening Jeongyeon heads back out toward the tracks when it’s quieter and this time you follow her. She’s got her gear ready again and you notice the grass and dirt marks already on her cotton suit and protective armor. She’s led you to a large track and you think it’s the second biggest here. You watch her as she takes out her gloves that she had stashed under her arm and puts them on. Brown eyes are still darting toward you like she’s very aware that you’re here and you find it cute.

A large, burly man with mousey brown hair suddenly knocks his bike into Jeongyeon’s front wheel as he walks by with his in a very deliberate manner. He looks at Jeongyeon in disgust, he doesn’t even need to utter a word, you know exactly what he’s thinking — Jeongyeon’s a woman, and has no place here riding a bike.

“Sorry,” he spits at her rolling his eyes.

It’s the least sincere apology you’ve ever heard.

“Oh, don’t worry, it was probably my fault!” Jeongyeon chirps and gives a little wave at him as he walks away. He just looks even more annoyed at her.

You take a mental note of the name on the back of his body gear — Sehun.

“Hey man tits” you snarl at him and he turns back around glaring at you, “you better apologize to the pretty blonde here right now or I will seriously go to that scary ass Subin woman about my genuine concern regarding your body weight and whether your fat ass is even qualified to ride a bike without fucking breaking it in half.”

He turns almost as red as the helmet sitting on his bike seat, you can’t tell if he’s really angry or just really embarrassed. He points his finger at you before scowling and turning away. He still didn’t apologize and normally you’d pursue the matter further but you don’t want to cause a scene.

Your gaze flickers back to cerulean brown and she’s looking at you with great interest. There’s a slight surprised expression embedded in her features but she’s also tilting her head like she’s confused. She’s looking at you wanting an explanation, she seems more curious than anything else.

“What?” you shrug at her defensively. There’s no fucking way you’re apologizing for defending her against a douchebag.

To your surprise Jeongyeon’s lashes flutter a little and her cheeks turn red. She chews her lip like she wants to say something but you beat her to it.

“This is why we’re perfect together Jeong” you sigh happily and grin at her, “you’re too nice, you want to see the good in everyone or probably do some counselor shit to try work out why they’re such an asshole, me on the other hand? I just accept that an asshole is an asshole and should be treated like one. You’re a big giant balloon of awesomeness but you need someone to keep a firm hold of your string so you don’t fly too far away from the ground. That’s what I’m here for, to hold your string” you say firmly, looking out across the distance and placing your hands behind your back, “well that, and also to keep the assholes at bay” you finish with a smirk.

You watch in delight again as the red flushing her cheeks trickles and climbs its way to the tip of her ears and you can see her chest rising and falling faster and how she swallows more harshly.

She sweeps some loose blonde hair to the back of her mini ponytail and scrunches her face up as the sun hits it perfectly. Her eyes are narrow but open soon enough when she raises her hand to shield the sunlight. Brown eyes lurking in the shadows look at you with nothing but genuine wonder. “We’re perfect together, huh?” she asks all breathless and awed.

She’s looking at you like you’re special. Like she’s in love with you.

You gulp and give a shy nod, “I think we are,” you admit quietly.

The sides of her thin pink lips twitch and spread themselves into a beautiful smile against her ghost white, freckled face. Your heart pounds in your chest at how even her expressions leave you feeling breathless. She grins at you like she’s never been happier, “I think we’re perfect together too,” she says like she’s so glad you agree with her and it’s too cute for you to handle. “Thanks for defending my honor” she says, her smile falling into an amused smirk.

“I’d defend your anything Jeongyeon,” you shrug honestly and smile back. “Now go kick some ass! Or whatever it is you bikers say…”

She nods with determination and walks off toward the track dragging her bike along with her, a happier spring in her step.

You learn a whole lot watching her do practice laps around the track. A whole damn lot. You thought that this would be a simple race around a track on a motorbike but now you realize by watching her ride the complexity of it and the sheer amount of physical strength needed for this. The track is muddy yet grainy at the same time, the amount of sharp bends simply makes you dizzy and the track is ten times larger than you thought, you can’t even see the other side of it because it’s so far away. This is only the practice track too; it’s a mini-version of the main larger track that’s a little further away beyond a large section of forest.

There are one or two other racers practicing too but you watch Jeongyeon as she zooms around corners, and you hold your breath watching her because unlike the other racers who casually go around in large curves, she takes sharp turns on the inside of the bends so she’s turning a lot sooner and driving around corners a whole lot faster. She’s going so fast and expertly it almost looks like she’s cutting the corners entirely. It looks uncomfortable yet effortless on her part, you know how much her gear weighs so you worry when she bends and twists her whole-body weight to one side of the bike at every corner she takes, and there’s a lot of corners. Her knee’s almost skim the ground and you gasp in worry every time because it looks like she’s about to topple off entirely but soon enough she’s sitting back up straight and getting ready for the next corner.

Her jumps also put the current riders to shame, and now you know what she meant when she told you she wanted to come down fast off her jumps and gain muscle weight in her legs. She’s going so fast that the slowest part of the whole thing is when she’s in the air, but even then, it’s a flash of a second before she’s back on the ground and zooming off again. Her weaving in and out of corners, up and down off jumps and skidding around edges is almost making you dizzy. When it comes to the jumps on the track the others seem to linger casually in the air for much longer, almost like they can’t get down, Jeongyeon however as soon as both wheels leave the dirt she’s bent forward and her thighs are squeezing and pressing down onto her bike so she’s falling almost as soon as she’s rising. You’re scared and stressed watching her frankly but you’re also impressed, really impressed. She clearly knows what she’s doing and if her practice partners today are what she’s going to race against on Friday you now know why she’s the favorite. She looks like a pro.

“Sup’ hot stuff” comes a casually urbane voice behind you.

Moonbyul comes up and stops beside you, you watch from the corner of your eye as she lifts her shades off and rests them above her head. You watch Jeongyeon land from a jump and muck splutter out her back wheel as she zooms onwards, accelerating up a steep looking hill and you feel exhausted just looking at her.

“Hey,” you smile up at Moonbyul because she’s a little bit taller and she simply winks back before looking back out at Jeongyeon. You quickly do the same. You blush a little and will yourself not to act like a total looser around her this time, she’s so damn cool and you don’t want her to think you’re a wimp or anything. “If you’re racing against Jeong on Friday you may as well go home now,” you say, crossing your arms and smirking out at the track as Jeongyeon goes zooming by you at just that moment. You guess she’s doing another lap.

“Ha ha darling,” Moonbyul says dryly and you don’t need to look at her to know she’s rolling her eyes, “as much as I’d love to teach you girls, those over thirty, in motocross terms, are veterans. We have our own veteran race.”

“Oh,” you sigh finding that kind of sad. “That sucks” you shrug, “thirty seems really young to be classed veteran.”

“In sports it’s old” she says casually and doesn’t seem to be bothered at all being “old” in sports terms.

You turn slowly to her once Jeongyeon is out of sight at the far end of the track again, you look to Moonbyul and smirk, “sooooo,” you drawl out slowly, “what age are you then grandma?”

“Thirty-one, and call me that again I’ll wipe the floor with you,” she says with a raised eyebrow. You both stand in silence for a while until Jeongyeon’s zooming past again. Again? She must be doing another lap.

“I hope she doesn’t push herself too hard,” you mumble almost thoughtlessly, “she’s going around again and is it just me or does she seem slower?”

“Yep,” Moonbyul nods jauntily like the situation doesn’t bother her in the least. “She’s probably cramping which means she needs more practice so she’s gonna be in a whole lot of pain tonight, and then she’s gonna come back out tomorrow and do this all day, all over again because she’s stubborn and needs to be perfect. She’s gonna be out here every day till Friday, exhausted as hell, until then no pussy for you Im.”

You stare at her feeling heat creep up on your face. “I… uh… you don’t know that,” you argue feebly, “besides I don’t care about that, we can have sex whenever, this means a lot to her.”

Does she seriously think all you want from Jeongyeon is sex?

“She’s also gonna get some serious Arm-pump gripping like that too, she should be squeezing and twisting the accelerator as gently as she squeezes your tits but the girl is nervous.”

You ignore her tits comment, “Arm-pump?”

“Mhmm,” Moonbyul nods, “She’s grippin’ onto the bike so hard that the bloods draining from her forearms. Which is gonna hurt like a bitch tomorrow.”

“Really? You can tell all that from here?” you ask, dubious, looking back out to Jeongyeon who looks just fine from here.

“Sure can J. Lo,” she says with all the nonchalance in the world. Her and Jeongyeon must seriously be related you think. “Well,” she yawns sounding bored with everything before bringing her shades down in front of her eyes and you feel a little intimidated because you can’t see them. Her shades are just glowering down at you and you have nothing to gauge other than the smirk on her lips. “If you do get horny and she’s too near deaths door, just gimme a call sweet cheeks,” she says so utterly casually to you before punching you in the arm playfully.

You don’t want to show weakness in front of her so you don’t bother rubbing it even though you want to because damn that was sore.

“Pfft, you wish” you say rolling your eyes and dismissing her with your hand.

She walks away but suddenly grabs your wrist from behind and you freeze rooted to the spot. “I do actually,” she whispers before she lets go and you hear her boots thudding against the grass walking further and further away until you can’t hear her at all. You don’t bother turning around to check.

You shake your head at yourself; you don’t know why you’re freaking out. She’s probably just doing this to somehow get at Jeongyeon. She’s another woman hitting on you and it’s the first since Jeongyeon did, you’re just not used to it that’s all. Besides, you think she’s just winding you up anyway, her offer not at all a serious one. It’s an offer you wouldn’t take anyway, but still, you feel excitement tickle your spine. You’re so proud that you seem interesting or at least attractive enough to gain attention from another woman, another hot, experienced older woman. Your ego feels ten times larger than it was yesterday.

You were sometimes flattered but ultimately always annoyed at men’s advances yet getting hit on by a woman just seems to make you feel so good and boost your confidence tenfold. The feeling is completely different from what you’re used to. Maybe you need to seriously start thinking about what you’ve been burying to the back of your mind.

Maybe you are…

You’re distracted when Jeongyeon comes swerving around to the starting line, stops, kills the engine and keels over on her bike, almost all in one motion. She tumbles and hits the ground on her side but then turns around lying on her back, her chest plate heaving frantically up and down. She’s breathing way too fast.

“Jeongyeon!” you call out and run toward her, your voice strangled with worry, the dread trickling horribly down your spine till you feel sick.

Holy shit.

For a second you assume the worst.

You reach her and drop to the ground beside her, not caring that your knees are plunged into the dirt.

“I-I’m fine” she splutters out defiantly sounding utterly winded, you swear hadn’t she spoke you’d think she was having a heart attack. You can’t even see her; she’s got her now foggy goggles over her eyes and her helmet securely on her head. You wince a little looking down at that heavy chest piece that’s on her, it’s probably restricting her breathing.

You’re only a little relieved than she can actually speak.

“Can you move?” you ask, your hands skimming over her chest, looking to do something to help but you’re unsure what.

“Yep” Jeongyeon chokes out, her chest still rising and falling at an alarming rate. She makes no move to prove that she can actually move though. She’s not even moving her hands. You look over at the bike that’s lying on its side on the ground and look back down to her.

You shake your head at her stubbornness, “I’m going to take your helmet and armor off” you inform her.

She makes some sound of protest but it’s lost in her breathlessness.

You unclasp the bottom of her helmet strap just under her chin and she’s gasping for breath frantically through her mouth, almost like she’s drowning. You slowly raise her head and take the helmet off putting it to one side. Her blonde hair is no longer in a bobble; it’s almost soaking, sticking to her head and back of her neck in sweat. You take her goggles off and lethargic brown eyes look up to you giving silent thanks.

“Can you sit up so I can get this thing off?” you ask gently, putting your arms around her back ready to lift her up.

She nods sluggishly so you sit her up slowly at first until she whines and groans like you just stabbed her in the chest. You remember what Moonbyul told you.

“Moonbyul said you’d be cramping because you’ve not practiced enough, she also said you have something called Arm-pump.”

Jeongyeon grumbles in pain, “Moonbyul” she moans and rolls her eyes.

“So, you’re telling me you’re not in pain?” you ask skeptically, wondering why she’s being so stupid and proud.

“I’m fine,” she says but the hiss that comes out afterwards does nothing to convince you. “I can wear this thing for a few more minutes too”. You poke her gently in the ribs through the gap at the side of her armor. “Argh what the hell Nayeon” she practically howls like some injured pup.

“Fine my ass. All right tough guy, let’s get you to bed, can you stand?” you ask sensing she won’t let you touch her anymore or even help her at all.

“Yes” she says shortly, “and I need my ice bath first.0”

“I’m sorry but I don’t see what sitting in a tub of ice does to help you right now” you say as you stand her up and she sways on the spot. You grip her arm tighter.

“I do it all the time when I race, it induces sleep, repairs muscles and keeps them limber and even prevents injury. I know what I’m doing I just need to sit in one for ten minutes and I’ll be good as new. Promise.”

You narrow your eyes unconvinced, especially when she was struggling to even say that sentence without taking large gulps of air after every three words or so.

“I’m out of practice,” she says in a frustration you’ve never seen from her before and she even punches herself in the thigh, which just causes her to whelp again. “I should’ve come here sooner, I should’ve been more prepared, and did you see how long my airtime was today? Not good enough. Also, my timing on the whoops was pathetic!”

“Airtime? You mean how long you were in the air coming off your jumps? Jeong you were amazing you were like the freaking flash! Also, I have no idea what a whooper is—”

“Whoops” she corrects you irritably and retracts her arm hastily from you looking in a mood, “The part of the track that had the mini jumps all knitted together, ten of them at least and you need to jump them and have perfect timing and I didn’t!”

She seems really upset and annoyed at herself and she’s taking it out on you. “Jeongyeon I thought you killed it—”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she grumbles. “I need to be better. I can’t lose this,” she says in a huff as she refuses your help and retrieves her bike.

She ignores you so you just follow her back to the cabin in an awkward silence. You don’t want to upset her more so you deliberately walk slowly behind her even though she’s practically limping back, dragging her bike at her wayside looking in pain. She’s like a near-death Jesus Christ carrying that damn heavy crucifix to some faraway place, but she’s determined to get there, alone it seems. It takes thirty minutes longer to get back than it did to get to the track earlier, because Jeongyeon’s walking that wounded and slow. She’s probably more stubborn than you and that’s saying something.

Once back at the cabin you help Jeongyeon remove her gear and her motocross suit. You lay them over the armchair next to the crackling fire you just lit, trying to warm the place up and make it as relaxing as possible for her. You watch, and ogle a little as Jeongyeon takes her bra, underwear and socks off. She can barely walk in a straight line and winces a little as she takes bags of ice out the icebox.

“Here let me,” you insist, gently tugging the bags of ice out of her hand. She just nods slowly, tiredly, her brown eyes giving you both a thankful and apologetic look. “I’ll run your bath, just sit down for a moment you look like you’re going to die” you just trying to lighten the mood.

She kind of does look like she’s going to die though.

“Cold water” she says weakly.

“I know.”

You fill it almost to the brim with the coldest possible water that comes out the tap; you then look down at the ten ice bags on the floor with uncertainty. “All of them?” you frown up at her; she’s simply been standing in the bathroom watching you in silence.

She nods.

“Your funeral” you sigh as you rip the tops off of each bag and topple all the ice cube chunks into the bath, each one making a plopping sound as it enters the water, plunging downwards and making it icier. Once all the bags are in it’s just a tub of freezing water with chunks of ice floating around the surface. You try not to glance at Jeongyeon and the fact she’s butt naked at your side right now. Not that you objectify her a lot but she’s the most naturally beautiful woman you’ve ever seen and you’d honestly stare at her naked form for hours if you could. You’d then do other things to it for hours.

“Thanks” Jeongyeon says quietly as she scoots by you her arms crossed over her chest like she’s already cold merely by looking at the water. You place a clock on the table next to the bath as per her instructions. Jeongyeon stands for a moment inspecting your work then apparently deciding it’s acceptable enough she quickly puts one foot in front of the other and steps into the bath.

“Mrrmmmmmmpppprrrrrhhhhh oh god, oh god” Jeongyeon stutters out as she bends down, her body getting lower and lower until she’s completely submerged in the icy water that reaches above her shoulders, the surface swishing around her neck.

You blush a little and clear your throat because the sounds she’s making now is gratifyingly familiar to you. You clear your mind and drag the little footstool beside the toilet to the side of the bath, sit down on it and just watch her.

She seems to be focusing forward on the wall tiles as her head jitters around madly, her arms shivering intensely at her sides. You want to hug her but she seems to be coping with this fine, you know this isn’t the first time she’s did this but you sort of admire her, there’s no way you could put a finger in that water never mind your whole damn body.

Your eyes meet her face again and you give a small smile, the work she puts into this is admirable if not a little excessive.

“W-w-w-w-w-w-w-why y-y-you s-s-t-t-t-t-a-ring” she stammers out, her voice inhibited by the cold, evidence of the likely plummeting temperature of her body. Her face is expressionless although her eyes are inquisitive; you think she’s too near frozen to move a muscle on her face anyway.

“This means a lot to you” you state with no real question in mind to ask her.

Her eyes meet yours at their sides and she just nods.

“S-s-s-s-sorry for sn-a-a-apping a-a-a-t y-y-o-ou” she apologizes; her eyes now completely on you like she’s conveying her seriousness with them because she can’t really do anything else with the rest of her body.

You smile softly, shaking your head like it’s nothing. “You want to win this, I get it. I was only trying to help.”

She nods again agreeing with you.

“Moonbyul’s been flirting with me some more” you smirk taking great pleasure in the fact she cannot physically react to that statement.

Her eyes go wide then the smallest of creases appear on her brow, she’s frowning, or at least trying to frown and it’s the cutest thing ever. You giggle at her and she gets that you’re trying to get a rise out of her. A deep disapproving groan comes from the back of her throat and she simply rolls her eyes.

“I know you’re not in this for the money, or fame or even the competitiveness really so… why do you want to win this race so badly?” you ask her.

She puffs out a breath like the answer is a more complicated one than she can physically give you right now. “T-t-t-they might be watching,” she says in the steadiest voice she can assemble.

It takes you a second to realize that she’s talking about her parents, but they’re long dead and can’t be watching, not in a literal sense anyway. You’re curious and want to ask more but you also know that her past, her parents especially, are sensitive topics and you don’t want to cross a line.

“Ok,” you say simply instead and smile.

Maybe a conversation for another time.

You feel your heart rise when the smallest of smiles twitch her freezing lips, a small vibration of happiness, a tremor to show she approves of you. It makes your heart beat with pride. You watch her for a few more minutes in silence as her body practically convulses on the spot. Her eyes are tightly shut like she’s trying to concentrate really hard.

“T-t-towels th-th-th-en b-bed” she says, her eyes darting to the clock then you.

“Right,” you nod knowing what she wants. She needs you to wrap her in towels then put her in bed so she can warm up then fall asleep. You run back into the bedroom and rummage through the toiletries bag, taking two large towels out until body lotion catches your eye. You smile, an idea coming to you and you go back into the bathroom.

“I’ve got an idea,” you say giggling a little, unable to contain your giddiness.

She raises a light brown eyebrow.

“Your muscles are sore and probably knotted, I can give you a mean massage, I mean you’re going to be naked and falling asleep anyway I may as well take advantage” you smirk.

You can see she’s trying to bite back a grin. “N-n-never had someb-b-b-ody here w-with me to g-g-g-g-give me h-h-help w-w-with this s-t-tuff.”

You smile, feeling proud that you’re not only the first person she’s been in a real relationship with but also, she’s including you in things that are important to her. You want to help her in any way you can, especially if it distracts her from her feelings of guilt over her job and your relationship in general.

The clock beside the bath starts ringing, signaling that ten minutes has passed.

You slam it off, “Do you need help getting out?” you ask and stand up holding your arms out ready for her.

She nods frantically as she steadies her grip on both sides of the bath and she stands up shaking like a leaf, ice cold water cascading down from her body as she emerges.

Once you empty the bath and get her to the bedroom she’s still shaking uncontrollably, you wrap another towel around her and pull back the comforter. “Get into bed, do you honestly feel better?” you ask and eye her suspiciously.

She nods and lies down on the bed, her arms wrapped around herself, two towels hugging her body tightly. “My legs and arms aren’t sore anymore. B-b-body heat is the q-q-quickest way to heat up” she says and shoots you a cheeky smile.

You go through to the living room to make sure the fire is still somewhat burning, once you see that it is you stroll back through to the bedroom and get changed into your pajamas. You wear a tank top with loose grey pajama bottoms, in all honesty you’re roasting but you need the place to be warm for Jeongyeon.

The blonde is still shivering on the spot slightly but nowhere near as much as she was, in the tub especially. You cover her feet with the comforter then bend down and retrieve the body lotion from the bag beside the bed. You put it to one side and decide to rub your hands frantically over the towel, trying to get some heat into her whilst also drying her. Once your hands reach her wayside, she giggles a little and the noise makes your heart flutter.

“Oh, you tickly huh?” you tease her, rubbing and pinching her sides just above her hips.

She laughs madly, the cutest fucking sound you’ve ever heard and tries to squirm away from you and out the towels, which is useless because she’s cocooned herself in them. “S-stop it!” she squeals, her eyes wide with delight.

Your own laughter dies down and you straddle her, showing a little mercy. “Uh, it’s probably best I unwrap the towels from you and you turn onto your stomach. Where are you sore and tense?” you ask.

Her giggles die and she looks at you, you watch the muscles in her neck contract as she swallows slowly, her eyelids falling just a fraction heavier. She doesn’t answer you but she brings her arms out and unwraps the towel revealing her naked body to you.

Your eyes drop to her very pink and very hard nipples, you also catch the still slightly wet ab muscles on her stomach.

“Sit up so I can turn over” she says, wearing the smallest of smirks. “And I’m sore everywhere, so you’re going to have to rub everywhere.”

You make a sound that was supposed to be an ’ok’ but just came out as a pathetic whimper. She giggles ever so quietly as she spins and lies down on her stomach. You wonder how to sit back on her but she gives you the answer before you can ask.

“Sit on the back of my thighs, my back’s too sore to take even your scrawny weight.”

You straddle the back of her thighs.

She’s freezing.

“Hey! I have muscles… kind of…” you grin in defense and jab her ass playfully, which is also stone cold. “Jesus you’re like a corpse.”

You hear her laugh into the pillow. She’s got her arms under and is now turning her head to one side so she can still speak to you. You gently tuck her hair to the opposite side and your fingers gently linger on her neck for a moment longer, you smile when you feel her tense under you.

“Alright,” you sigh taking the lotion bottle in one hand and upturning your other palm, “I think this stuff is a little chilly but hey I doubt you’ll notice.”

You squeeze the liquid out and rub both your hands together to get an even spread; you then carefully rest them on the small of her back, one hand at each side and your thumbs resting at the base of her spine. She stiffens a little and you’re still surprised at how cold she feels. You begin gently rubbing small, intricate circles over the base of her spine with your thumbs. Slowly you begin leaning your palms down onto her back, applying little pressure and you rub your hands up her back slowly, massaging her skin in circular motions. Once you reach her shoulder blades you put more lotion on and grasp them firmly, kneading into the muscles with deeper more penetrating ministrations. Your thumbs dig deep into the knots in her muscles, loosening them with every movement.

“Ugghhh… yeah…” Jeongyeon breathes out, her voice hoarse and lower than usual.

You stop for a second feeling your cheeks burn and something stir in your lower stomach. You roll your eyes and resume massaging her, taking her shoulder blades and squeezing, kneading them with your fingers and palms.

“You’re so tight,” you whisper, breathless from how much pressure you’re having to use.

Your face reddens even more once you realize what you said.

The lowest of giggles escapes her mouth.

You continue manipulating her back, watching the side of her face contort between small signs of pain to sighs of relief. Your small circles turn into larger circles, becoming more and more adventurous as your hands skim around her sides. You move from the bottom back up and the tips of your fingers skim along the side of her small breasts pressed against the bed. You both gasp and you quickly move back up to her shoulders to recover.

You swear you heard the smallest of moans.

Jesus, you’d be able to do this properly if she’d stop making those sounds.

Her neck’s too far away from you so you lean up into her more, you part your legs over her ass and swallow thickly when between your legs rubs against it. You close your eyes for a second trying not to perv on her, or worse, rock yourself into her ass so you concentrate on massaging the back of her neck.

You spread your fingers, sticky and wet from the lotion around her neck, spreading the thick warmth over her skin and she shudders. You apply a little more pressure with every circle, slowly pressing harder and harder. You watch as goosebumps erect themselves over her skin, trickling down from her neck to her shoulders.

“Feels so good,” she mumbles groggily, arching her back up slightly.

Fuck.

Deciding that was a bad idea you go back to making circular patterns over her back, loosening the muscles there and under her shoulder blades. “Am I going too fast? Too slow? Too hard?” you ask quietly, your throat suddenly dry.

It’s not entirely a surprise since there’s only one part of your body that feels remotely wet right now.

She makes a humming, contented sigh, “No just perfect, don’t stop.”

God.

It’s your turn to stutter, “T-turn around so I can uh… get at the rest of you…”

You lift yourself and kneel over her for a second, she slowly turns around. You lose your breath as dark, almost indigo brown eyes are staring back up at you, her blonde hair sprawled lazy across the pillow. Your eyes travel downwards over her breasts to between her legs. You snap your eyes back up toward hers and gently sit back down on top of her.

“Ugh,” you involuntarily breathe out because you’re straddling her waist and she feels so good, there’s a buzzing feeling in the small hot air separating you from her sex. God, you could do to her what she did to you when she was in this position last but you know she’s tired so you try ignoring your raging hormones. You’re not sure you’d even know how to do that anyway.

“Are you ok?” she whispers, a knowing glint in her eye.

“Just fantastic,” you mumble and begin to run your hands over her abs.

Your throat tightens and your cheeks burn when you feel her breathing hitch at your touch. You watch her breasts heave and feel her abdominal muscles quiver under your touch; she’s practically squirming with every new area of skin you stroke over. You massage her smooth soft skin higher and higher till you reach her breasts; you cup around them on the outer side, sliding and bypassing them till you’re at her collarbone.

You feel yourself shake when you meet her eyes and they’re the darkest you’ve seen them. You avert your eyes down and put pressure around her neck area, pressing your thumb down onto certain parts that feel particularly tense. You run your hands down her arms, pressing into her biceps to which she winces then sighs. Your hands feel dry again so you squirt some of the lotion onto her navel and she gasps looking up at you, her face flushed a little. You don’t give her time to think on it as you spread the lotion along her stomach again and work her over.

Eventually you scoot down so you can massage her thighs, which feel the tightest. You dig your fingers and manipulate her hamstring, you run your hands slowly down to her calf then all the way back up again, your skin tingling and burning just touching her. Between your legs and your stomach are getting so easily excited you almost feel ashamed.

You work over a particularly tight knot on top of her thigh and your eyes catch Jeongyeon sucking in her bottom lip, her eyes fluttering shut. “Higher… god higher…” she rasps.

Jesus Christ.

She has to be doing this on purpose, right?

You move higher but she interrupts you.

“Higher,” she breathes, “higher and further in…”

You gulp. You know exactly what’s higher and further in.

Sure, enough though when you’re at the top part of her leg and she spreads her legs a little to accommodate, she gives a shaky sigh when you start massaging a part of her inner-thigh, dangerously close to her sex. You wonder if you’re just imagining how wet she looks. You refocus your eyes where they should be and you knead and knead, relentlessly to the point your forehead is sweating, in small circular motions until you feel the muscles loosening beneath the pads of your fingers.

“Oh god, right there, so tight” she moans.

Her legs shake a little after a while like her limb is having a damn orgasm and for a second you think maybe she did. Eventually she lets out a giant low breath from her mouth and you still your movements, looking up at her to see the color return to her face, and more color than usual on her cheeks.

“Uhm… that was… helpful” she says looking shy and embarrassed.

You smirk, “You feel better?”

She just nods chewing her lips still looking shy. “I’m exhausted, and still a little cold, come lie over me please.”

She’s suddenly so sweet and cute it causes you to chuckle, you grab the bed covers, drag them up with you and lie right over her naked body wrapping you both in it, you feel the coldness emanate from her. Your sweaty, sticky hands find her cold ones and you hold both of them, intertwining your fingers, feeling the cold between each one.

“Good night Jeong” you smile down at her.

You find this odd yet nice, she’s normally the one draped over you. You hug her tighter, wanting her to get warmer.

She nods lethargically, her brown eyes roaming over your facial features dreamily, like you’re special.

Maybe you are.

“Nayeon,” she whispers, her breath tickling your neck.

“Mhmm?” you smile down at her. You have no intention of sleeping any time soon, you couldn’t if you wanted to but still, you want to watch her fall asleep.

“After the race on Friday, you should take an ice bath.”

You laugh a little, a deep sound from the back of your dry throat, “Why would I wanna do a crazy thing like that?” you smirk down at her.

“Cause I want to return the favor.”

“You can give me a massage any time Jeong, without the ice bath.”

“Maybe,” she hums and leans up a little placing a sloppy kiss on your chin, she rests her head back down and her eyes flicker between your own and your lips, “but…” she drags out slowly, “I want you to take an ice bath till you can hardly feel anything at all, I want you to be so cold that I bring you back to life with every touch. I want to touch you everywhere, warm you up everywhere, and feel your blood warm beneath me. But before all that I want you to be numb, so numb that you barely even feel me touching you, feeling how wet you are between your legs until, like a giant shock to your fucking system I’m inside you. My warm fingers, suddenly inside you and it’s literally all you can feel, one, two, three, maybe four fingers all in and you’ll grip onto them so hard and tight. You’ll be so numb and firm yet you’ll love it, I bet you’ll love it because it’ll be the only warm thing inside you, I’ll be the only thing inside you and it’s all you’ll be able to feel and think about for hours.”

“Jesus fuck,” you breathe rapidly over her, your heart going crazy and between your legs pounding the same erratic rhythm.

That sounds like both the single scariest and most tempting offer you’ve ever received.

Holy shit.

She shrugs and smiles back up at you, “Sweet dreams.”

Yes, she’s very much doing this on purpose.

She’s being Jeongyeon on purpose and it’s driving you mad.

So wonderfully mad.


End file.
